Text|Zhu Shenyong
Today’s topic: There are people outside my husband, I don’t cry or make trouble, and I don’t let the third sister get right. Can I really win?
I think of nursery rhymes. Mom is going to work, I want to go to kindergarten, and then I don’t cry or make trouble, I am a good baby.
As an adult enters the naive stage, then your mentality is the mentality of a kindergarten baby, an escape mentality, and a very negative mentality. When many clients of
ask me for counseling, their marriage has become like this, which is very scary.
The first category:
This case is very weird. If I say it, you will not believe it.
Xiaogao father-in-law’s relationship outside marriage has lasted for thirty years. The illegitimate daughter has now graduated from postgraduate and is already working.
The marriage of her father-in-law and mother-in-law is nothing but a dead end, only an empty shell is left.
is only on New Year's Day, when their big family gatherings, her mother-in-law will show up, and everyone respectfully calls her sister-in-law or aunt, nothing else.
In her daily life, her father-in-law lives with her third sister, and they live together completely. The whole family also calls her second mother or younger mother.
Of course, her children do not recognize the third sister, but it does not affect her influence in the family.
She has a great influence in the family, and she can talk about the big and small things in their family, because this man has weight in the family. On the contrary,
has a serious wife in the family, no one cares about her, no one cares about her, everyone just thinks she is pitiful, nothing more. The third sister
manages a large amount of man’s property. His wife can only receive 10,000 yuan a month for living expenses. She can't see or get involved with anything else.
Don't cry or make trouble like her, what's the meaning of life?
The second category:
Xiaofu’s husband had a relationship outside of marriage for seven years and also gave birth to an illegitimate child. Her husband belongs to both sides running back and forth.
He and Xiaofu do not live in a bedroom. They are similar to sharing a house, sleeping in their own rooms.
On the surface, occasionally my husband eats with her, and occasionally goes out for a walk. Generally speaking, it is a little bit better than the case above, but what is the meaning of such a marriage?
The third category:
Xiaoshi's husband has feelings outside of marriage, and her husband has been with that woman for five years. The third sister of
forced the man to divorce from the beginning of her pregnancy, and in the process of forcing the divorce until she gave birth to her daughter. After
gave birth to her daughter, she began to force a divorce again, and her husband broke up with her third sister.
During the breakup, the third sister was pregnant with a second child, and the second child was born with a son. The third sister was even more crazy. The third sister
forced the man not to go home, "If you dare to go home, you can't see your son", because Xiaoshi did not have a son, and her husband did not give her home.
Xiaoshi often sighed. She suffered from depression and couldn't be happy. She continued to endure her husband's relationship outside of marriage, but her husband wanted to divorce her.
The fourth category:
Xiao Hu’s husband is also involved in relationships outside of marriage. After nine years, the third sister gave birth to men. The third sister is not making trouble, but the wife is making trouble.
Xiao Hu said to her husband, "You have to end the relationship outside your marriage. You can't always go home in the middle of the night. We don't have a bedroom. You are not at home during the holidays and weekends. How many courses does your son take I was admitted to the university with great difficulty, but now I have to drop out."
Xiaohu also found uterine fibroids and breast nodules, and the nodules were very large. The result of enduring
is that your body is hurt and your child is hurt. Why bother?
Fifth category:
This case is even more distressing. It is also the husband who engages in relationships outside of marriage for five years.
Xiaorou’s husband kept changing to different women outside. She had known for a long time that she was a little bit introverted, her temper was very anxious, and she didn’t want to say, she just endured it herself, and soon found out that she had cancer.
She already suffers from cancer, she still bears it, sometimes she can't help having trouble with her husband.
When I counseled her, I said, "Forget it, you treat the marriage as dead, as long as your husband gives the money, you can support yourself first,Cure cancer." The five types of
cases all have a common feature: forbearance, we have to endure but there are only five endings.
First, you endure and endure the body with problems, either cancer or depression. Either mania.
second, you endure, your own children have problems, their children may mess around, and may divorce.
third, you endure, the third sister gives birth to an illegitimate child.
fourth, you endure, Husband engaged in third sister, engaged in fourth sister...
fifth, you endure yourself, endure your own life, endure your happy marriage, nothing.
We meet outside marriage When it comes to feelings, the only correct choice is to go to war, open war against the old, war against the third sister, war against yourself, fight a world, fight for 50 years of peace, and fight for 50 years of happiness.
Husband engages in relationships outside of marriage, you don’t We do not cry or make trouble, we will analyze this phenomenon systematically.
First, if your husband engages in relationships outside of marriage, you don’t cry or make trouble, are you really not suffering?
If you really don’t suffer, marriage will treat you Saying that there is no value, you don’t care about marriage at all.
Our most painful thing is that our husband betrayed us, her husband empathized, fell in love with others, made us feel worthless, made us feel that we have no sense of existence , So you can’t stop crying or making trouble.
You are nothing more than crying secretly, you are nothing more than making trouble with yourself, making yourself anxious, making yourself insomnia, making yourself too much to eat, making yourself troubled Losing your temper with your child, you are living this inhuman life.
You don’t cry or make trouble outside, your heart is overwhelming; you force your face outside, your heart is gnashing your teeth.
You just You’re just forbearance, you’re just attacking yourself, you’re just crying with yourself, wailing with yourself, and irritating with yourself.
You think that you have the ability, so you divert your attention to work, to your children, to With the old Wang next door, how long can you transfer?
needs energy to transfer attention. You have to suppress yourself and put your feelings elsewhere. I don’t believe you can transfer.
you think you can transfer with your mind , But you see other couples in pairs, you see other couples holding hands, you see that your relatives and friends are husband and wife affection, you will not be able to stand it.
You divert your attention, but you are living alone, Live yourself negatively, live yourself anxiously, live empty and lonely and cold, and the final end is to waste yourself.
Second, "I just consume the third sister", you ask yourself, you In marriage, who are you consuming?
Your husband is engaged in relationships outside of marriage. You don’t cry or make trouble. It seems to consume your third sister. The third sister is youthful and easy to grow old. Your youth is not youth ?
You want to consume the feelings of the two of them. In the process, do you have the feelings of your husband and wife? The relationship between the third sister
and your husband, he is the relationship outside of marriage, he is an extra gain, he takes advantage outside, he has the psychology of stealing.
Every time the two of them meet each other, they book the best restaurant, the best room, gifts, and sweet words. What do you have?
Is it impossible for your husband to be tender and sweet to you when he is outside.
1, you burn yourself to death.
You are eager to be loved, and you see him loving others alive; you are eager for warmth, and you can only be empty and lonely and cold, and you consume your blood full of blood into a pool of cold blood.
You are also destroying your own concept of marriage. What you think about in marriage is that husband and wife work together, and what you think about husband and wife love, grow old, but your marriage is different.
You are also destroying your own emotional loyalty. You think that loyalty is necessary between husband and wife and between male and female friends, but if your husband betrays you for a long time, you can only consume yourself to death.
Have you considered your dignity? You have no dignity at all, and no feelings, and your three views are crooked, and you are also consuming yourself to death.
2, you want to consume your husband.
Your husband is out for relationships outside of marriage, just at the beginningAt the time, he was still a little worried, afraid of being discovered by you. When later, he found that you already knew, but you didn't say anything, so he was bold and indulged in feelings outside of marriage.
What he worries about is nothing more than whether the third sister will force him to marry. If the third sister forces him to marry, he has a very useful shield, "My wife does not agree to divorce".
If you want to consume him, he will only live younger, he will only live more aggressively, because kill the third sister, he can be replaced by a fourth, he always has expectations, he always has these beautiful things.
As long as he has a hard hand and a soft hand, the two women are obedient. If the third sister is not obedient, he will switch to another person. Anyway, you are wasting in that place.
3, you want to consume the third sister.
If the third sister is a grumpy person and you have no way to waste her, she will immediately force your husband to divorce. If the persecution is unsuccessful, she will leave. After she is gone, will your husband stop messing around?
You can consume the third sister, the fourth sister, etc., can you consume them all?
If the third sister is someone with very low sense of existence and low value, she is a parasite personality, she will pester your husband for a lifetime.
If the third sister is a divorced woman, but her sense of value is relatively low, "Anyway, I don't want it. Anyway, your husband gives me love, your husband gives me money, your husband gives me company, you still consume me?"
4, your emotional attachment has dissipated.
It turns out that your emotional attachment relationship is of a secure type. You have a lot of satisfaction to support your emotional attachment and maintain a safe state.
Now you are not emotionally satisfied, you are anxious, you are depressed, you are waiting for your husband, but your husband is outside.
People’s emotions are the same as when we eat. If you don’t eat for three meals, you panic. If you don’t eat for three days, you are too hungry. You have to add fuel to your emotions, and you must also water and fertilize.
Your tree of feelings cannot grow, and in the end it will wither, and the emotional community of the two of you will be consumed and scattered.
5, wasted life.
Life is short, and you use your life to fight a war of nothingness, meaningless.
You could have a divorce, and then find someone else, you can live a happy life, but you want to spend with him.
There is only one time in your life. If you consume this time, you will have no future.
Third, let's discuss "not allowing the third sister to get regular".
If you don't let the third sister turn into a normal position, can't the third sister turn into a normal position? Three factors are needed for the third sister to be able to become normal.
1, your marriage, your relationship is broken, she may get back to normal.
2, the feelings between her and your husband and the value created between her and your husband can replace you, so you have no chance.
3, she can get your husband to divorce you by means, what is the specific means to avoid the third sister from learning, I won’t talk about it here. You can't control whether the third sister
can turn into a positive, it is controlled by your husband and the third sister, and your husband is controlled by the third sister.
Fourth, if you don't cry or make trouble, and you don't let your third sister turn into a normal position, what will happen?
If you do not consider the consequences, how can you fight for the final victory?
1, emptied your marriage.
If you don’t deal with the feelings outside of marriage positively, your husband will feel that you don’t value him at all, you don’t love him at all, you don’t put him in a key position at all, you don’t care about him at all, you don’t care about him at all, you It doesn't matter.
There is no substantial interaction between the two of you, there is no flow of love, no flow of affection, no sexual satisfaction, and there is no way for your marriage to continue to operate, or even money consumption.
Everyone is not in the mood to devote themselves to the marriage, the marriage will dissipate, and the marriage will be emptied.
Your marriage has maintained this form for a long time, without the function of marriage and the role of marriage, your marriage will be hollowed out.
2, the cost of silence will become greater and greater.
If you don’t cry or make trouble, keep silent, the third sister is not willing to go, and your husband is not willing to let her go, then your husband will have to pay a huge cost. zSister 2z
had an abortion and her uterus was broken, what should I do? The third sister gave birth to an illegitimate child, what should I do? The third sister and your husband started a business together, what should I do?
3, makes you feel cold, cold, and even desperate.
You will see that your husband is getting more and more alienated from you, he is getting closer and closer with the third sister, your husband goes home less and less, and he goes to the third sister more and more.
Your husband often sighs when he comes home, like seeing a ghost, as if he was in debt, like a mountain on his back, so he can't breathe, his face is pulled down. There are so many consequences for
, don't you think about it at all?
fifth, let's talk about "winning".
When we face feelings outside of marriage, how can we win?
1, many people think that as long as I keep the shell of marriage, I will win.
Who wants the shell of marriage? Many people think that the shell of marriage is what our children want.
Does your child need a marriage shell? The child needs love, the love of his parents, the support of his parents, the strength to him, the energy interaction of normal love, the healthy marriage relationship, and the normal flow of relationships.
Your marriage is only the shell, you still failed.
2, you think the third sister did not marry your husband, I won.
More and more men and women do not need to get married. Why do they have to get married? The two of us just need to love each other. The three sisters
and your husband are de facto marriages. Although China does not recognize de facto marriages, they exist in the form of marriage.
They eat and live together, they have a lot of love flows together, they may have children, and they may even buy common property.
Although they are not married, they have the fact of marriage. If they are not married, you win?
3, let your husband be in this home, and you will win.
Is your husband at home? Your husband's heart is not at home, but people will come back occasionally.
His people are back, but the distance between him and you is more than a safe distance. The distance between you is completely hostile, and the distance is completely tense.
sixth, what is our real victory?
1, knocked out the feelings outside marriage.
You have to get rid of your husband's feelings outside of marriage, get rid of your husband's thoughts of feelings outside of marriage, and dig out the soil in your marriage that produces feelings outside of marriage. This is the first small victory.
2, your husband and wife rebuild their marriage together.
If your husband and wife don’t rebuild their marriage, there will be no victory at all. You will only get rid of the relationship outside the marriage. Your husband will go home and he will continue to remain indifferent to you. He will continue to pass his, you pass yours. Marriage is meaningless.
You have to ask him to return to the marriage to be considered a victory.
3, healing wounds.
If you don’t heal your wounds after you finish the battle of feelings outside of marriage, you still have a lot of misfortunes about marriage, and you still have a lot of difficulties in feelings outside of marriage, and your husband simply ignores it. Is this a win?
When we encounter our husband’s feelings off track, the correct way is to fight him.
If you want to win, you must get rid of the feelings outside of your marriage, heal the wounds in your marriage, heal the wounds of feelings outside of your marriage, rebuild your marriage, and rebuild the trust between your husband and wife. Only then can you achieve true victory.
The first step: facing her husband's feelings outside of marriage, the first thing is to fight him.
You must have the idea of starting a war, I would rather kill the marriage, I will never swallow.
I am going to war, I want to have strategy, I want to have tactics, I want to have goals, I want to have steps, I want to have measures, step by step.
Step 2: We are going to evaluate our marriage.
What happened to our marriage? Can our marriage bear the impact of feelings outside of marriage? Is it necessary for our marriage to continue? If the marriage is not necessary to continue, we can end thisMarriage.
Step 3: We are going to evaluate this man.
He engages in feelings outside of marriage, because of marriage problems, he engages in feelings outside of marriage, or is it because of his motivation to engage in feelings outside of marriage, or is his parents' marriage pattern that leads to his intergenerational inheritance? Or was it his parents’ upbringing model that prevented him from entering this relationship?
During the entire evaluation process, we are going to see what happened to this man.
The fourth step: to grasp the weakness.
Their weakness is your advantage.
You have to figure out all these issues before you can go to full-scale war with him.
Step 5: Determine the goal.
We are sure that this marriage is worth saving, and we are fighting in the direction of saving the marriage.
We are sure that we must get a divorce, and we go to war in the direction of divorce.
When we are at war with him, we will adjust our direction and even change our entire course.
Author: Zhu Yong body, Fudan MBA, marriage management school founder, author of the bestseller "affair governance"
