Why do some couples quarrel, the more they quarrel, the better their relationship, but you only know how to fight and say harsh words to each other? Why do some people chat very much, giving people a feeling of high emotional intelligence, but what you say will only make people feel aggressive?
In the final analysis, it is because you don’t know how to communicate. So if you are quarreling with your partner now, you must finish this video carefully. Once you learn it, you can make the other party calm and follow your ideas.
First of all, we must learn to allow the other party to make different choices.
First give you an example. Some time ago, I went downstairs to queue up for nucleic acid (hs). The queue was quite long. Then an older sister in front asked me, saying, "Is the information I filled in the same as before? Do you need to scan the code there to fill in?"
I told her that it was the same, but she took out her previous QR code information and asked repeatedly: "Is the same? Do I want to scan the code to fill in again?"
I replied yes, but the older sister was still worried, and pointed to the QR code again and asked, "Is it the same?"
I instantly lost patience and didn't want to speak. After a while, I thought this was not good, so I told her that if you are worried, you can also go and scan it, anyway, I am still queuing up now.
Then the sister went to scan. After scanning, she said it was the same. She also said that she had used this information once in another place before, but it was not available. She had to scan the code locally to fill in it. She thought this was the same, so she repeatedly confirmed with me.
I understood when I heard this. In fact, this is the same as a quarrel in love. During my consultation process, many visitors would tell me, Yuchen, I communicated well with him, but he didn't listen.
But to be honest, I am very impressed every time I hear this kind of answer. You are not communicating, it is clearly a requirement, and it is the Queen who is giving orders. You don't allow others to refuse or deny you.
You are asking the other party to follow what you think, because you think you are right, so as soon as the other party refutes, you will be angry and impatient, and feel that he has not followed you, just don’t love you, and even thinks he is a fool.
But in fact, communication is not simple. I say you do it. But even if I say go east, you always insist on going west, and I allow you to do this. When you find that the west side is not good, you will naturally think of my previous reminder, change the direction and choose the east side.
communication requires allowing the other party to take detours, and even more importantly, let go of the correctness of "I thought".
The second point is to learn to understand the other person.
There is a golden rule in relationship management: companionship, care, understanding, and guidance. Many times we only focus on "guidance", but in fact the previous 3 steps are more important.
is still the example of me doing nucleic acid. I have been telling this elder sister bluntly that she doesn’t need to scan the QR code anymore, but she doesn’t do what I said. Why is this?
The answer is simple because her inner doubts have not been resolved. She still lives in her past experiences, and that experience proved that her decision was correct. So no matter what I say at this moment, she couldn't listen.
For example, your boyfriend is an avoidance attachment . You ask him to call you every day, and the message must be replied in seconds. Do you think your boyfriend will do it?
is simply impossible because the growth experience of avoidant attachment makes them dislike their private space being violated. At this time, you think you are setting rules for him, but in fact, you will only push him further and further.
avoidance is very principled. It will only do its best to maintain its bottom line, so the more you force and demand, it will only make him more escape.
What is the best way to do this at this time? The answer is permission and acceptance. Within a safe range, you must allow the other party to do and try according to your own ideas and give him space.
What is giving him space? It means allowing the other party to make their own choices and constantly verify them, and treat the other party’s difficulties. When the other party refuses, you should also express your willingness to understand his situation and give empathy.
At this time, he will think that you are asking rather than asking, which will make him respected psychologically, and then his heart will gradually open to us, explaining the reasons for making other choices, and helping us better understand each other.
so in communication, the most important thing is not expression and guidance, but permission and acceptance. If you are like two warriors who refuse to admit defeat, and are obsessed with what to say to make the other party compromise and obey yourself, then you will only push the other party into a relationship that is hostile to you.
do you understand?
Psychological test: Test the words your ex wants to say to you most
1. Do you quarrel over trivial matters when you are together?
Yes, I often feel very tired —2
rarely argues over trivial matters —2
Occasionally, but I can make up soon —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to reflect on yourself and is willing to correct your mistakes?
is —3
is not —4
3. Will TA take the initiative to tell you about your troubles?
often says - 5
doesn't say much - 4
4. Will you tell your parents about the process of your love?
, and often complain to my parents. —6
, occasionally, they will talk about it when they ask. —5
, hardly say it, there is nothing to say —5
, there is nothing to say —5
5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?
Everything goes with the flow, it’s mine after all, it’s mine —7
Work hard, maybe you can succeed —6
Try your best, I have to get everything I want —B
6. Is it because a third party appeared?
Yes—A
No—7
7. Has the other party contacted you actively after breaking up?
Yes—D
No—Ch
