1
After meeting a gentle person, he found that the other person was confident, delicate, patient, proactive, brave, romantic and firm in his feelings.
It seems like I was a few years ago: I want to show all my enthusiasm and tolerate someone, I want to give infinite acceptance, understanding, and consideration, I want to make the other person soft, let go of his guard, and be loved with confidence.
But I suddenly felt sad to find that I was not the one I was at that time.
I really thought that all the bad experiences in the past were without a shadow on me. I was as happy as before. Speaking of the past, it was like telling other people's stories. I got the practice that I deserved, and I turned all the articles in the past.
I thought my indifference to love was because I didn’t need it anymore. I was so comfortable that I didn’t have to hand over my future and share it with anyone, nor did I have to bear the responsibility of others, and I had the greatest control over my life.
But after meeting this person, I found that there was a big reason for those coldness, because I learned distrust of people and feelings.
First, I have become pessimistic about my feelings. I often think that no matter how good a person likes you and treats you, it does not mean that he really cherishes you. The spoiled and considerate on the surface actually does not mean that you are really important, so I am less and less looking forward to it. Someone will really understand me, appreciate me, and fall in love with me.
Second, I am more pessimistic about people. I don’t think anyone can give me so much gentleness, understanding, and considerate, and have so much wisdom and knowledge that I think is necessary. I can also give the firmness and wholeheartedness I need. I won’t accept my bad state and start with me, but I don’t have any pursuits to live by myself, so I think it’s too difficult to meet a worthwhile person, so I simply don’t give me any hope.
2
Over the past year, I have known some people, most of whom are popular for three minutes, chatting for a few words, and the other party feels that you are cold or not easy to fool, so he even takes a taxi and runs away overnight. This person is the first person I have met who feels serious and firm.
When I first met, it was a time for friends to get along with each other. I was very proactive, enthusiastic, and humorous, free and generous. But when others expressed their desire to develop further, I found that I was actually psychologically resistant, and I thought it would be better to be friends and chat. It would be too troublesome to move forward. Moreover, I asked so many things, and I probably would have to collapse if I couldn’t take two steps.
But although I was pessimistic, I would not have rejected all opportunities, so I was willing to cooperate with it. But as if I was determined to "death", I told the other party: I have a preset in my mind, and I feel that one day there will be huge differences and I will not be able to communicate. I seem to be waiting for that day as if I am waiting to watch a good show.
In the past, I would create pleasure, pay more attention to developing the co-productive and happy part, and strive to be tolerant, gentle and considerate. But now, there will be gentle and considerate, but I am not stingy to take out the stingy, calculating, sensitive and difficult side of myself early, as if subconsciously I want to verify: Look, I just said you won’t like it, I can’t bear it, we are not suitable.
3
Thinking of love in his early 20s, he is really unprepared for people. If you love someone, you will feel that it will last forever. If you trust the other person and the future, all happiness is 100%. You are scheming like a stupid fool. You think that the world is simple and all are simple people, and the same beautiful things are believed forever.
At that time, if others said they liked me, and even without others proof, I would be self-indulgent and thought that this would last for a long time. I believed everything others said, and I thought that every little thing I did was considered true love. At that time, I was silly and sweet, easy to fool, but it was really relaxed.
Now, it seems that other people's likes have nothing to do with me, and it is difficult to penetrate into my heart. If you like it, you like it. If you want to walk, you can go. I may be moved by affectionate words or actions, and I will be happy for a short time, but I still don't believe how firm you are.
No matter how sincere or open the other party is, rationally I think this person is completely trustworthy, but there will still be some doubts in the subconscious mind. Suspicion is fake, suspicion is made, and even doubts are deception and concealment.
Now I suddenly understand why those who grew up in a broken family are so much prepared for the world, and I have learned a little bit.
is not afraid of harm, but I just think it is really difficult and too difficult, so I won’t expect it easily, and I am too lazy to discover it, put it on my own, do whatever I want, don’t ask others, and don’t want to establish a connection. Everyone is free and does not have to promise or be responsible to anyone.
4
The reason why I thought of so much is that it is because a small thing cannot be more small. It’s just that the other party has not given me a message for several hours when it’s time to get off work.
If it were before, I wouldn't have any ideas at all. If I don't send it, I won't send it. If I want to chat, I can send it to the other party. It doesn't matter if the other party doesn't reply in time. I will continue to be busy with my affairs because I know that the other party is there and will not leave.
Now, I still don’t have any emotional fluctuations about this kind of thing, but many automated ideas emerged in my heart. "Maybe I went to date a girl" and "Maybe I was annoyed, run away", and then I was busy with my own affairs.
Reasonically, I clearly believe that the other party is not such a person. I didn’t give me a message and must have worked overtime, but my distrust of human beings was also suddenly revealed at this time.
I remembered that in the past, I heard many people say that if others do not reply to messages in time, they will think randomly, feel denied, and abandoned. I used to think too much, but now I understand that it is because of experience that people understand how impermanent things are and how unreliable people’s hearts are.
But I don’t want to be crazy about this kind of thing, I just spread my hands and whatever. If the other party really disappears suddenly and never appears again, I won’t even be disappointed, just think that this person has never existed before.
If I had at least felt puzzled, sad, and even wanted to ask, but now I am really a Buddha, so it’s okay to stay or leave.
5
Later, the other party came back and said it was an urgent work overtime. I shared the automation ideas in my mind. I originally wanted to say: Look, I have made a new discovery about myself, but now I don’t trust people so much.
But he cared very much and quickly apologized to me, saying that he was careless. I said, it’s not your fault, it’s normal to work overtime, I can understand. But he said that he still didn't do it well. He knew that I didn't trust my relationship now, but still didn't explain everything.
Then in order to eliminate my automation ideas, I even explained the ins and outs of this overtime work and the content of my work in detail. I want to say, no, it’s not you that I don’t trust. The problem lies with me. You don’t need to bother you too much about it. You have no problem.
But he still explained, and even took pictures of all the scenery on the way off work to prove that what he said was true, and he said a lot.
He said: For me, your feelings are bigger than the sky. You don’t have to be so sensible. I hope you will express your feelings. During the time I met you, I know how reasonable you are and how considerate you are for others, so I want to tell you more that you can do whatever you want with me.
Then, I cried while listening.
It seems that the grievances of being treated unfairly in the past have spread all of a sudden. In the past, I was always afraid that I would not do well enough, and I always hoped to be better and give more to others. Now someone actually told me that you don’t have to do so well, you are good enough in yourself.
His performance made me suddenly admit the bad treatment I had received in the past. I dared not admit it in the past. I insisted on making myself believe that no one is wrong. It was just my own experience. I asked myself to accept and let go, and I should not have any grievances or grievances, because self-sympathy is meaningless, and resentment is meaningless.
But when someone really feels distressed, he suddenly feels that what I should have received is this treatment.
This person is so good. I have never encountered so much understanding and tolerance, such a strong and firm choice, so some of myself are blessing him: Come on.
But I'm sorry, he didn't meet the me who was full of confidence in his relationship and was willing to actively establish a connection, but he met me who is now Buddhist, sloppy, casual, not proactive, no demands, no expectations, and no desires to be responsible.
I am still very easily moved, but I am stingy with love.
