lives in a family that favors boys over girls. Sanshui Xinghe and the women around her have never received the respect they deserve.
Relatives said that preparing her dowry was "abused" and her father was even unwilling to hug her sister. Because she was afraid that the daughter would be thrown away by her third child, her mother could only bear the pain and miscarriage...
The father's absence and neglect made her experience a nightmare childhood and youth. In the family, my cousin pressed her on the bed while no one was paying attention and "handed up and down"; in school, she was surrounded by a group of people and stripped off her clothes, slapped her in the face, and was almost raped...
She didn't understand why her father's love for her mother could not be transferred to her and her sister? I can't figure out why a child who should be innocent and innocent is so cruel?
The following is the story of Sanshui Xinghe.
narrator｜ Sanshui Xinghe
Editing｜ Dream of the wild Candy
While there was no one, my cousin pressed me on the bed
For a long time, my father worked outside all year round. Because I am a girl, I can't congratulate my ancestors and pass on my family line. I have always been lukewarm with me and I am unwilling to ask more about it. The work of taking care of my children fell on my mother's head. She had to go to work and took us two, and she was so busy that she was not stuck in the ground every day.
Mom is a student and insists that her children cannot be left uneducated. But she was so busy. In order to help me learn better, I had to send it to my aunt's house and let my cousins teach me homework.
When my mother was there, they welcomed me and warmly greeted me to have a meal. But as soon as my mother left, the people from my aunt's family immediately treated me coldly and hit me with all kinds of attacks. They often say that giving me food is a waste of food, saying that I am so stupid that I can't do anything, and even calling me a waste and ugly person, how ugly it is.
these are commonplace, and gradually I got used to it. But what happened later became a nightmare for me all my life.
that day was very sunny, and everyone else went to the field to work. My brother who was in high school and I stayed at home to do my homework. I wrote it well, and he suddenly pulled me up and pushed me down on the bed, and then pressed me down with his whole body.
His hands kept touching me, and asked me to touch him too. He buried his head in my neck, and the heat blew onto my skin, and goosebumps rose layer by layer. I was only in the second grade at that time and didn't realize what I was doing. I just felt uncomfortable, but I couldn't resist my tall brother at all.
Later, when there was no one at home, this happened several times. I was scared and refused to go to my aunt's house to do my homework again.
my mother didn't understand why, thinking that I was not good at it, so she hit me in anger. I kept crying, but she refused to go and didn't dare to tell her the truth.
This secret has been buried in my heart for decades. It was not until some time ago that my mother urged me to find a partner that I pretended to tell her lightly. Unexpectedly, she cried heartbrokenly after hearing this, and kept complaining to herself, "It's all my fault for being bad, I blame her for being busy with work and letting others ruin my daughter like this. You should tell me, why don't you tell me! Mom will make the decision for you!"
I could only comfort her with a smile, everything was over.
But, how could such a thing be passed so easily? More than ten years have passed, and I have never dared to fall in love. I am afraid of getting close to boys. I often dream that I am being pressed on the bed and can't break free no matter how hard I use it. It's called it a day and a place that doesn't work. After opening his eyes, he was sweating coldly.
"Who are you going to seduce?"
's absence not only made my cousin feel that there was an opportunity to take advantage of it, but also gave those bad kids from schools the opportunity to bully me. They are truly the most sinful creatures in the world, the pure evil that makes adults creepy.
Since I was very young, the children around me saw that my parents were often away, so they threw the persimmons into me and scolded me in the most ugly language, saying that I don’t have a father or a mother, and I don’t know where the wild child came from.
The first time I had my period was in the third year of junior high school. That day I was cleaning the blackboard when I suddenly heard the ridicule behind me. As soon as I turned my head, a book smashed directly into the center of my forehead. I was stunned, but the classroom burst into laughter. Several girls in class said like a knife: "Who are you going to seduce? Even if you look like a boy, you have the face to seduce a boy?!"
I stood alone on the podium, shy and angry, blushing, and couldn't say a word, but just shed tears in silence. I rushed out of the classroom and ran directly to the roof of the experimental building, and I felt desperate to die.
The wind on the roof of the floor made me feel chilled all over. I stood in the guardrail and looked down. My mind was full of pictures of myself falling. I wanted to end all this, but I was still too timid. I was afraid of pain, I was too ugly when I died, and I was afraid of my mother being sad. I can only comfort myself and endure it again, and I will graduate in half a year.
However, I still underestimated the malicious intentions of those people. Their bullying of me soon evolved from verbal insult to physical beatings and humiliation.
When I was in junior high school, I always wrote my essays well, and some of them were even used as model essays by teachers. I was very happy and felt that I finally found my strengths, so I started to write novels and practice writing styles.
Unfortunately, my novel was seen by the girl at the front desk. She inexplicably tore them to pieces in front of the whole class, and threatened me, "If I see you writing these things again, I will beat you to death!"
I dared not resist, and picked up the broken works without saying a word. She is a gangster, who dares to provoke her? I thought that as long as I don’t provoke her on the initiative and write secretly to prevent her from discovering it, there should be no problem.
But the next day, she called me out of school alone. A dozen people surrounded me in an instant, stripping my clothes while punching and kicking me. As soon as I resisted, they beat him harder.
may not feel it was enough, so they brought in another boy who was often bullied by them and ordered him to come to me in public.
A circle of people cheered happily. I was pushed to the corner and watched the boy approaching me little by little, and I was so scared that my whole body trembled. For so long, I endured humiliation and did not fight back, and I did not scold me. I just wanted to find a little room for myself to survive. My life is still so long, how can I just be ruined in their hands like this? !
The strong desire to survive made me hold a girl beside me, and let her press on me. No matter how others hit me, I would never let go.
I don’t know how long I was pushed, beaten and scolded by those people. They gradually felt that it was difficult to get others to rape me, and gradually lost interest. Everyone gave me a slap, warned me to be "be honest", and walked out of the alley.
In the crowd, I found a familiar figure. That was my elementary school classmate. I protected him when he was bullied because of his low figure. But when I was in danger, he became an accomplice.
I squatted on the ground, curled up in a ball, and tears fell on the clothes covered with mud. I cried until I didn't have any tears, and then slowly walked home.
My mother saw me and asked me what was wrong. I only told her that she accidentally fell.
I dare not tell my family what I had experienced at school, for fear of causing them trouble. The school teachers never reached out to me either. When I asked the head teacher for help, her answers were always those words: "Then why didn't she bully others, but just bully you? It's not because you are not good at studying!"
has no friends, is not liked by teachers, and is frightened every day when going to school. I really couldn't hold on anymore, so I told my mom that I would drop out of school.
My dad happened to be at home at that time. He thought that I was losing face when I dropped out of school. Without saying a word, he picked up a feather duster and beat me, and sold all the feather dusters. Usually, I am a crying person, but I didn’t shed a single tear that day.
Is it wrong to be born as a girl?
When I was a child, all the children around me liked Ultraman , and only I liked Sun Wukong the most. Every time I was bullied by them, I would hug myself tightly and fantasize that Sun Wukong fell from the sky. But miracles never happened. During the days when I was suffering from school violence, no one has ever stood up to protect me, even for a moment.
seems to be born as a girl, so I should have to bear all this.
I was born in Pingyao, Shanxi. In that ancient city, in addition to historical relics, the absurd concept of favoring boys over girls.
Everyone around me has a strong prejudice against women. My sister and I were going to college, so they sarcastically said, "What's the use of girls studying?" Mom prepared a dowry for us, and they also pointed at them. "Preparing so much for girls is simply a waste of things!"
was born as a girl, as if it was our original sin.
Under the influence of this environment, my dad naturally has this kind of thinking.
In my memory, he never hugged his sister. On the day she was born, my father saw that it was a girl again, so he turned around and left. Behind her sister's heart-wrenching crying was heard. In his heart, his daughter is not as close as the sons of his siblings.
Compared with my sister, he treats me quite well, at least he hugged me when I was born. But in the days that followed, this "goodness" was only about material giving. When I was a child, I was so envious of other children who could hold their father's hand and act coquettishly in front of them. I never knew that father and daughter could be so intimate. After all, no matter what I do, my dad doesn’t say or scold me, and he doesn’t want to care about me at all.
My dad always felt that it was particularly embarrassing to have no son. It was our two daughters that made him unable to raise his head in front of relatives and friends.
Actually, my parents love each other very much. Sometimes I really want to ask my dad, why do he loves my mom so much?
Of course, when it comes to favoring boys over girls, father is simply a slight witch to grandpa.
Grandpa hates girls very much. He thinks that having a son can join the army and fight, defend the country, but having a daughter is useless.
When my sister was less than one year old, my mother got pregnant again. It was a gratifying thing, but my grandfather ran to my house and said: "If you gave birth to a boy, throw your second daughter to the door of the Public Security Bureau and wait for someone to pick her up!"
My father was a little embarrassed and wanted his son, but he couldn't bear to throw his daughter away directly. My mother was completely scared. She ignored everyone's opposition and insisted on abolishing the child. Her attitude was very tough: "I would rather have no son in my life than let my girl be looked down upon."
Because of a grandfather's words, my mother lost a child. Because of the cultural concept of favoring boys over girls, there are also many Shanxi women who have lived in panic all their lives.
The evil man who grew up
After the summer vacation of my senior year, I couldn't wait to jump on the train and watched the town that had been trapped in me for more than ten years gradually fade away from my sight. I felt extremely calm. I went to Shandong to study in college, and after graduation, I came to Beijing without hesitation, hoping to get farther away from my hometown, the better.
However, my home is there, even if I don’t want to, I have to go back during the Chinese New Year and have to have another interaction with those disgusting people.
One year during the Spring Festival, I went to my aunt's house to pay New Year's greetings. My brother already has his own family and looks like he is living a happy and comfortable life. For him, those things in the past seem to have never happened. And I sat at the dining table, not daring to look up and talk to him.
When the junior high school classmate reunion, the elementary school classmate I had helped was always laughing and playing with the girls who bullied me. I mentioned to him that they bullied me, and he smiled a little embarrassedly: "Is this happening? I can't remember it, just have fun."
At that moment, I thought the world was really absurd. I was tortured by those who experienced all my life, but the perpetrator could use the sentence "playing around" to excuse myself, and then continue to have a peaceful life. 's clear conscience seemed to have never done anything that was harmful to the world.
But if I jumped that day, they would be the murderer who killed me.
I can never forgive them, but I know that I can't get justice for myself, and I can only stay away from that hell-like place. I am wandering in another place, even if my salary is only enough to live, it doesn’t matter if I beg for food, as long as I don’t go back to that place. Because even when I hear the words "Shanxi Pingyao", I feel disgusted.
However, physical connections can be cut off, so how can you say let go of your blood relationship?
There are many complaints about my dad deep in my heart. If it weren't for his preference for boys over girls, not his absence and negligence, how could I suffer so many nightmares inside and outside the family? But he is my father after all, and I can't ignore his old age. I don’t want to go back to
house, but I will buy things for my house from time to time. But even so, relatives often say that I have no heart and no feelings for anyone. Every time I hear these words, I can only smile bitterly. Maybe it’s because I’ve lacked love since I was a child and I really haven’t learned how to love others.
However, for my mom and my sister, I will definitely pour 200% of my patience and love into it.
In a family that favors boys over girls, my mother has been doing her best to protect me from cold words. Although my sister is younger than me and missed the stage of my school violence, since she became sensible, if she saw me bullied by others and beaten by her father, she would definitely stand in front of me and resist those abuses and attacks for me.
It is through our love for each other that we were able to survive in that cold and cruel environment.
My life is moving forward little by little. I will never easily compromise with those who have hurt me, and I am also learning not to punish myself with their mistakes. When I think of those who hurt me, I live a comfortable and comfortable life, I have to live a good life even more.
However, when I occasionally think about it, I will sweat nervously when I think about what I might encounter in this world if I give birth to a girl in the future.
I don’t know, can the next generation of women live better?
This article is a true story. In order to protect the privacy of the respondents, Sanshui Xinghe is the pseudonym
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