Do you have such doubts?
"Why did he not love me as much as before after getting married, and his feelings changed."
"Why do I always give more, but TA doesn't care about me so much!"
"After having a child, I thought I could keep my heart better, but I didn't expect our relationship to fade."
"When I had a child, I thought I could keep my heart better, but I didn't expect our relationship to fade."
"TA is getting busier and busier. I don't care about me anymore. Do you no longer love me?"
"How to maintain intimate relationships to be happy and successful?"
From love to marriage, the positioning of both partners has changed in the order of the family system arrangement. Two people need to find close links to each other and resist the complicated difficulties in reality. This is a huge challenge for maintaining high-quality intimate relationships.
Question: How can we maintain a good relationship and increase our emotional concentration?
First of all, we need to know the factors that affect the establishment of intimacy:
1. Emotional neglect "inspilling" intimacy
American "pope of marriage" John Gotman Dr. Research has found that maintaining a good intimacy lies in the frequency of how friends can meet each other's emotional connection needs.
Emotional neglect will keep the other person away, and even if the couple stays together every day, they will feel lonely.
It may be that both parties or one of them grow up in an environment of emotional neglect, lacking the energy to be loved and cared for, and causing unconscious trauma. Therefore, emotional neglect will also extend to your partner, turning a blind eye to yourself and others' emotions, and it is difficult to pay attention to and respond to your partner's feelings, thereby increasing the difficulty of maintaining a good intimate relationship.
2. Competitive relationship
The core of maintaining intimacy between partners is the need to respond, respect, pay attention to each other's feelings and empathize with .
But real life is always covered by many trivial matters and endless difficulties, constantly challenging the harmony of intimate relationships. The defense mode is activated for self-protection, and the subconscious allows the two people to constantly compete in the advantageous position and strive to be better than the other party.
The relationship between partners seems to have become an endless arena. No matter who loses and who wins, they will continue to eliminate their love and respect for each other, and intimate relationships will move towards pathological symbiosis.
3. The relationship cannot "resonate with the same frequency"
0 The understanding of this relationship between partners is inconsistent, and there is a lack of consensus between them.
When in a state of lack of explanation, partners will have completely different understandings of this relationship, and there is no way to balance the ideas of both parties through communication. Therefore, two people often have different ideas and make different behaviors, and cannot "resonate at the same frequency", have fewer and fewer emotional links, and their intimate relationships become worse and worse.
4. Missing a sense of security, binding relationship
If both parties or one party establish an unsafe attachment and relocation model with the parent in their early life, then in an intimate relationship, some people will be overly anxious, worried about losing the other party, worrying about being abandoned and ignored, and then binding the relationship, over-dependence and moral kidnapping the other party, making both parties feel suffocated. A lack of security will continue to develop intimate relationships in a bad direction.
Based on these influencing factors, the process of partner operating intimate relationships will inevitably lead to conflicts.
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Psychologist Rahim summarized the conflict handling methods into the following five types:
① Dominant type: deal with conflicts through competition, and have the desire to express oneself and dominate;
②avoid type : escape Conflict, don’t want to face conflicts;
③Compromising type: resolve conflicts by giving and adopting opinions;
④Submissive type: silently accept and obey, willing to sacrifice yourself to meet the requirements of others;
⑤Integrated type: oriented towards solving problems, be able to understand the differences between the two parties, and find solutions that both parties agree through communication and coordination.
In reality, everyone's way of dealing with conflicts is not exactly the same. We need to constantly pay attention to our performance and characteristics in most of our daily life and think about the problems of intimate relationships.
Maintaining intimate relationships is a dynamic process. When partners want to prevent the relationship from becoming split, try these 4 small tips to maintain high-quality intimate relationships.
1. Re-know yourself
Don’t fall into the feeling of disappointment caused by intimate relationships. The feeling of disappointment will turn into negative emotions such as anger, inferiority, self-pity and self-pity. In order to eliminate this negative emotion, criticize, scold your partner, and moral kidnap . Get out of negative emotions, try to face problems, and find a shortcut to maintaining high-quality intimacy is to re-know yourself. Recognize your own growth advantages and blind spots, including your own way of dealing with conflict issues and establishing relationships.
2. Accept the imperfect self
Accept everything on the basis of fully understanding yourself. Only by accepting yourself can you further heal your pain, face interpersonal relationships and life with a more positive emotional state, readjust the way you perceive in the process of getting along with your partner, see the highlights of both parties, and enhance the flexibility of expecting intimate relationships.
3. Develop the habit of adjusting emotions
Learn to adjust emotions when conflicts arise and develop the habit of adjusting emotions. Only by actively managing your emotions and automatically repairing emotions. At the same time, strengthen the ability to think from the perspective of the opposite sex, and learn to think about problems, thereby enhancing one's own independence and allowing your partner to get along with you happier and more comfortable under the existing conditions.
4. Learn to express love, seek emotional support
Learn new communication methods. Instead of immersing in the fantasy and touching of your own love, it is better to express love in the language of "love", so that intimate relationships can be reborn and live a beautiful self in the relationship.
In life, seek emotional support from your partner, or learn to share with each other when you are happy, sad or painful, eliminate invisible obstacles in your relationship, and heal each other step by step.
written at the end
High-quality intimacy is like a mirror. It allows us to see ourselves more clearly, be ourselves as we wish, and both parties can gain the energy to shape externally and explore ourselves inwardly.
