text丨Yu Fei, Jiang Zuo Mei Niang
It is the National Day holiday, and it is rare to have an appointment with my best friend.
Before the dishes were served, my best friend couldn't help but start complaining about her husband...
In the eyes of outsiders, this husband is successful in his career and is polite and humble. Every time he goes to see his elders, he will take the bags back, and even sees neighbors who can take the initiative and warmly say hello.
In everyone's words, my best friend is really lucky.
However, marriage is like shoes, only those who wear it know whether it fits or not.
At home, this gentleman has a different face:
As soon as he goes home Ge You lie down, short videos are constantly being watched;
never touches housework, and the children are almost never accompanying him;
is angry as soon as he says he is angry, suppressing his wife and children everywhere;
is naturally enjoying the status of the "king" of the family.
is a typical example of being irritable to relatives and being kind to outsiders. No one believes that my best friend has any grievances.
Thinking of Wu Zhihong in "Why Family Can Harm People" said that under the admiration of "power", the rules of rights are easily brought into family relationships, but the rules of cherishing are easily ignored.
Yes, many people always give people a very decent and gentlemanly feeling outside, but they are a "tyrant" at home.
Today we will take a look at what types of people will cause harm to their families.
01. I have no love since I was a child, and I will not love others
French philosopher and writer Albert Camus said:
"It is just a disgrace to not be loved, and it is a kind of misfortune to not love."
Yes, but there are so many such misfortunes.
TV series " Ode to Joy " has made five beauties popular and also made the actor Yang Shuo . Yang Shuo's role as a savvy person is likable, and in the public's heart, it presents a beautiful image of mature and handsome, dedicated work, loving his wife and loving his family.
But it was not until later that he and his wife and children participated in several variety shows that we realized that his true image was completely different from his screen character.
vs. his son Yang Yuchen:
He is domineering, because his son did not get off the car on the same side as him, he asked his son to go back to the car and walk again;
he is autocratic, because his son accidentally walked into the eight characters of , he ordered his son to go up the hillside and then walk;
he is irritable, because his son folded his clothes and did not meet his requirements, he yelled that his son folded his clothes as required;
he is harsh, even if his son helped the children complete the task, he just praised him perfunctorily...
so angry that the audience called Yang Shuo to get off the line quickly.
, and for his wife , Wang Liwen, , he seems not much better.
Once in an interview, he said that if he divorced in the future, all his property would be left to his wife. This sounded really touching, but who knew that when he needed to work hard in the show, he began to point fingers at his wife. Netizens exclaimed that the true image was revealed too quickly.
But if you compare the views in "Why Home hurts people", you will find that this is not inconsistent. In the book, the author mentioned:
"Our 'psychic self' is based on our past. The American psychologist Rogers , who is as famous as Freud , said that a person's psychology is composed of all its experiences."
and behavior is the direct expression of psychological thinking.
Following Yang Shuo’s childhood, we seem to see another “Yang Yuchen”.
Yang Shuo, in his childhood, also grew up under the high pressure of his father, and was almost exactly the same as Yang Shuo's way of treating his son now.
They are not loved and cannot love, but they use the excuse of "love" to deal with family problems in the most direct and violent ways.
People like html are dedicated, diligent, low-key and kind outside, but as soon as they get home, they will immediately reveal their true face of narcissism and fantasy authority, and are strict and harsh to their families. The most fatal thing is that they enjoy such a "emperor" in the family, while thinking that this is "love you" and "love your family".
, but I didn't know that they were always satisfied with themselves, because once you approach him, you will be criticized, controlled, asked, and scarred by him.
02. Parents spoil, selfishness is sexual
British writer Ruth Lundell said:
"Living in the way you want is not called selfish, asking others to live in the way you want is called selfish."
Do you still remember that crazy fan Yang Lijuan ?
The woman who ignored her parents' lives and death in order to chase the superstar Andy Lau , and finally forced her father to jump into the sea to commit suicide.
But while we condemn Yang Lijuan, a truth that cannot be ignored is: Yang Lijuan’s parents’ unconditional spoiling of this only daughter is an important reason that cannot be ignored.
The couple who had a child in their old age responded to Yang Lijuan's request. In order to help their daughter chase stars, they did not hesitate to sell their houses or even sell their kidneys to support them.
says that the spoiling couple is more crazy and unreasonable than Yang Lijuan’s star chasing, which is even better than that.
Yang Lijuan, who was spoiled since childhood, began to be angry and irritable when her parents could no longer satisfy her, and verbally abused her, and forced her to death.
Teacher Wu Zhihong once said:
"Spoiling = excessive hindrance."
That's right, they have been spoiled since childhood and have been hindered from developing their own independent personality and hindered from developing empathy. Therefore, even after adulthood, they cannot feel the emotional needs of other family members, cannot do housework, are unwilling to assume family responsibilities, and call their partners around like their parents, ignore their children, and are still self-centered.
As mentioned in "Why Home hurts people":
"People who grow up in spoiling are prone to have a chain reaction: they have a big temper and are prone to lose their temper at their parents, and in severe cases they will also punch and kick their parents." People like
look weak and delicate, and sometimes you may think they are cute. In fact, once you do not meet his needs, you will find that he is selfish, stubborn and paranoid. There is never anyone else in their hearts, only himself.
In their hearts, the relatives around them all exist to meet their needs. If one day you refuse their request, then what you get is their craziest backlash.
03. Let’s please and go home to find fault
"Why does home hurt people", the author said when talking about the word “jealousy”:
"In fact, jealousy is often an excuse, the purpose is to control couples and hurt couples. Or fundamentally, it is to transfer your own inferiority complex."
Yes, there are many men in marriage who have the problem of “jealousy”.
They love face more than anyone else and like to be good people in social interaction. They are modest, polite and smiling... They are the "good gentlemen" in social scenes, and the "pillar" for everyone to make money to support their families.
But this is just outside. In the bones, they are inferior and sensitive. If they feel that they have not got the understanding and respect they want, they will get angry and go home to find fault.
Especially when their partner is stronger than him, he will feel that his authoritative personality is challenged without asking, and the status of the head of the family is shaken, so he begins to speak coldly to his partner, scolding others, and even punching and kicking.
In the TV series "Happiness to Ten Thousand Family" starring Zhao Liying , this is what the male protagonist Wang Qinglai is like:
Wang Qinglai, who came from the countryside, usually looks like a simple and honest good man, but whenever something happens, he completely changes his face: he is timid and retreat, complains about society, and blames his wife...
My sister-in-law was bullied by the village tyrant, and he advised his wife to bear it.
went to the city to find a job and hit a wall, and he blamed his wife for "it was all you can do";
Seeing that his wife was doing better than him, he was jealous of his wife;
In the end, he lost his job, which almost led to the divorce of the two.
For such people, I talked to my old Yang. I said that it is not a bad thing for men to have stronger self-esteem, but if they have strong self-esteem, they should not improve their strength, keep up with women's pace, or even surpass women, so that they can be ashamed!
Lao Yang said that it is so tiring and difficult to work hard to improve his strength! How easy is it to sarcasm to sarcasm with a partner! Well, it is indeed more difficult to have big abilities, and it is indeed easier to have big tempers, so don’t blame some men for being so good at “being arrogant in the nest”.
However, in today's families, there are fewer and fewer women who still have family integrity as their ideals. If a woman marrys a man, if the money is earned by herself, love and love are also gained very little, and even respect. If respect cannot be possessed, then why should a woman marry you?
04. Interest is first, love is zero
"Why does home hurt people" says:
"Feeling is far more important than the so-called facts, and in a family, understanding and accepting each other's feelings is the most important, and interests have retreated to the secondary position."
But most men in families do not understand this sentence.
Not long ago, I saw a video of Su Min, a 58-year-old Zhengzhou aunt with millions of fans on the Internet, went home for the first time after "running" on her own for two years.
She thought she would be warmly welcomed by the whole family after not returning home for a long time, but the result was completely the opposite:
Auntie returned home in a dusty manner, working hard, busy cooking outside. As soon as her husband entered the door, she had a series of attacks. "Do you still know you're back?" "I can't make it anymore, right?" "How much does it cost to pay for two trips?"...
Then there was a "bang bang" sound of bowl smashing, completely ignoring the grandchildren and daughter were also in the house.
Aunt Su, who was eating, was so scared that she raised her hands and said nothing.
As a stranger, I can feel the suffocation and fear through the screen.
Aunt Su Min once said that since her marriage, her husband asked both parties to live in AA system, with an actual salary of 6,000 yuan per month, and defrauding Aunt Su was only 4,000 yuan per month. Aunt Su's salary not only has to bear half of the family expenses but also raises a daughter, but also has to be a free nanny to serve the whole family.
But even so, Aunt Su still cannot get the respect of her husband. Cold violence is common, PUA is daily, and there is even family violence . Later, the aunt couldn't bear the humiliation and suffered from depression , and once slaughtered herself twice.
In order to "treat the disease", the 56-year-old disheartened Aunt Su decided to drive on his own and escape from her husband.
And the aunt's husband, even if he wasted, had to buy more things and pretend to be generous; at home, he kept talking to the aunt for a long time, and even the ETC toll cost a few cents.
This makes people sigh: What is the purpose of marrying a woman with such a man who is more profit-oriented?
I think, if it weren't for the times, concepts, and love for children, Aunt Su Min wouldn't have endured that long. In today's open era, even Aunt Su Min, who has a low level of culture, has been forced to bravely leave the house, let alone new women with knowledge, culture and pursuit now?
Even though some women may still survive in such a marriage, making such loving men feel at ease, these men don’t think about what kind of impact their children will encounter.
I know a friend who had neither his three uncles nor two aunts got married. The reason was very simple, because the marriage of her grandmother and grandfather was a nightmare for uncles and aunts back then.
When I was a child, my grandfather was extremely selfish. Whenever there was a piece of meat at home, my grandfather would secretly eat it by himself, not leaving any money for my grandmother and children. The money earned by my grandfather was basically spent on me, and my grandmother used her meager income to support a family. It has become a miracle for such a selfish father to survive. Therefore, when they grow up, no one wants to get married, for fear that they will meet their partner like their father.
This friend's mother is the only married person in this family. She was not happy at the beginning, and her friend has not been married yet.
A family is not that you cannot talk about interests, but everything is based on interests. If you do not care about love, tolerance, understanding, and feelings, you cannot make you feel warm and cannot become the destination of your heart. So what should you do at home? It's okay if you don't want it.
05. Mei Niang said
has to admit that home sometimes really hurts people. Whether it is family affection or love, people often do harm in the name of love.
Today's families are mixed with too many factors, including portals, economy, values, education, grades... Behind the seemingly more and more actuarial, the most fundamental core is that love itself is ignored.
The heroine of the old movie "The Wrangler" back then, "Because I met a good person", she entrusted the hero's wholehearted efforts without hesitation and the sentence "I gave him my whole body", and she cried so many young men and women, and the beautiful pure love that went in both directions was the happy picture of how many people's dreams.
th that innocent era may never be restored, but our desire for love has always been there.
Teacher Wu Zhihong told us in "Why Home hurts people":
"Real love is a life, happiness does not lie in finding the right person, love is a deep understanding and acceptance."
I sincerely hope that everyone can understand: a person's best temper is infinite tenderness, understanding and acceptance of his family.
"Why does home hurt people" is the best-selling masterpiece of the well-known psychological counselor Wu Zhihong for 10 years. Since its publication, the book has caused lasting shocks among readers and has received rave reviews.
In this book, the author meticulously reveals the operating mechanism of Chinese families, and uses the warmest and most powerful words to help us find the power of self-healing at home, so as to embark on the journey of pursuing happiness and freedom. I hope you and I can all gain enough wisdom from the book, so that we will all love others and make our home warmer.
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