I have heard this sentence: "90% of people's worries come from interpersonal relationships."
In life, it is inevitable to deal with all kinds of people. Socializing has become a problem that every adult must face. What a person’s interpersonal relationship will basically reflect his personality and personal charm indirectly.
In life, there seem to be always some people who are very likable. They can chat and laugh with friends they just met and exude a unique personality charm; while others are not that likable, and even friends who have known each other for a long time dare not joke with them easily. For example, in " Dream of Red Mansions ", Xue Baochai, is understanding, good at everything, and is at ease in the complex interpersonal relationships in the Jia family; on the contrary, wherever she goes, she can give people a feeling of melancholy, cold and inhumane.
"Dream of Red Mansions" Stills: Xue Baochai
Although Xue Baochai's personality in the story is more likable than Lin Daiyu, people outside the story often prefer Lin Daiyu.
Zhihu once saw a question: Why do most people like Lin Daiyu and belittle Xue Baochai?
One of the highly praised answers said:
"We prefer Daiyu , because we miss the young self who is not damaged and still lives in the innocent world; we don't love Baochai , because we don't love her because we don't like to see herself who compromises the world and is vague in her face."
In summary, Lin Daiyu pays most attention to the relationship between herself and her inner self; and Xue Baochai pays most attention to her relationship with her external world.
"Dream of Red Mansions" Stills: Lin Daiyu, Xue Baochai
In life, there are many people like Xue Baochai who always think about others when speaking and doing things, but unfortunately they seem to have not developed well in the end.
Stanford psychologists once conducted an experiment on social interaction. The results of the experiment show that in social interpersonal communication, how the relationship develops, actually has nothing to do with a person's character. , but more depends on the way a person interacts with others, and the skills of speaking in social interaction.
So whether a person has good popularity is actually not much related to IQ and has nothing to do with personal development.
Good popularity means that everyone likes you. It has no decisive relationship with your career or not. It may have a positive impact, but it must not be said that if you have a good popularity, you must have a good career! Usually, many middle-aged sisters in the unit are good-looking men and have good popularity, but they may not have a good career.
01 A likable personality means it is easier to compromise
Some people say one of the hidden rules in the workplace: The better the popularity, the worse the effort is. This is because good popularity means that you have to make contributions and sacrifices for others. Sacrifice time, money, and opportunity. In the company, you will become a "constant" and a "shoulder", a professional substitute, a sucker, or even a scapegoat.
Management Master Peter Drucker once described in "A Effective Supervisor": "Efficiency is to 'do things in the right way', while effectiveness is to 'do the right thing'.
As a senior manager , it is important to do the right thing, and as frontline employees and managers, it is important to do things correctly. For managers, the correct standards are to bring benefits, while for frontline employees, the correct standards may be related to personal pursuits.
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We often see this type of people: They work hard to deal with different people, trying hard not to offend others, and sometimes even sacrifice part of their own interests just to get recognition from others.
In this case, others of course like you: They take all the benefits, why don’t they like you?
Likeable people always try to manage their cuteness, but forget that cuteness cannot withstand the polishing of time. This situation is particularly obvious in the workplace.
"Na's New Life" Stills
A group of newcomers have joined the company. Some people can speak and behave well, and their seniors like it. Some people are busy doing their own things, but don't talk much, and their appearance is also a passerby, and the seniors have no feelings for this person. However, a year or two later, people who may be likable are still likable, but that's all. My colleagues play after get off work and like to call him, and they need help at work. They also like to call him, but in order to cater to everyone, they perform mediocrely in the workplace. If a person who is not so likable is convinced, he will gain respect and become an important person in the team, which means he can go further in the workplace.
For ambitious people, in order to be appreciated by their leaders, they will focus on expressing themselves. For those who focus on interpersonal communication, in order to win good popularity, they may focus on taking care of others' feelings. Even if they have the idea of expressing themselves, they will hide their ambitions in order to take care of others' emotions. Unfortunately, the workplace is cruel, and any interactions based on good popularity may be accompanied by the sacrifice of interests.
02 Popularity means being more likely to be bullied
People with likable personality mean to be flattering to a certain extent, and most "pleasant people" belong to " highly sensitive group ", and they are good at detecting other people's emotional changes.
Most of the people with flattering personality have a cognitive misunderstanding: As long as you are a good person yourself, you can get acceptance and love from others. So I will never refuse.
Xiao Mo in the TV series " Female Psychologist " is such a "good workplace". There is such a scene in the play. Once, Xiao Mo was already on the way home from get off work and suddenly received a call from a colleague singing in KTV and asked him if he could help with a PPT. Although Xiao Mo felt a little embarrassed, in order to establish the image of "good old man", he still compromised.
"Female Psychologist" Xiao Mo stills
Computational social scientist Sandra Matz and colleague Joe Gladstone once conducted a survey experiment. Data showed that people who showed easy-goingness in are more likely to fall into desperate financial difficulties, and if their income was not high at the beginning, the correlation would be even more significant.
In addition to facing unreasonable work, Xiao Mo also suffered various "losses" in finance. Not only did he bring free breakfast to his colleagues every day, but his colleagues would call him when he didn't want to pay for the meal, because everyone was sure that he would not refuse even if he was reluctant.
Pussy personality always regards other people's evaluation as particularly important. They are kind, friendly, afraid of conflict, and take care of other people's feelings everywhere. They work a lot to please others, but they become more and more tired.
Cornell University in the United States once conducted a survey and found that people who are overly easy-going and do not know how to refuse at all have not created harmonious interpersonal relationships, but what they get is despised by others.
A flattering personality may be recognized as a good person, but it is difficult to be loved and respected by others, and it is impossible to establish a real relationship. In social interaction, in order to appear more pleasing, pleasers tend to uplift others and belittle themselves. Such people are destined to be difficult for leaders to discover their highlights in the workplace.
03 People who are good at doing well know how to please themselves
Halifax, England said: "Self-love is far from a disadvantage, and this definition is appropriate. A person who knows how to love himself properly will definitely do everything else appropriately."
Other people can help, but you must know whether you have the ability to do this; others can help, but you must know the right amount and have your own bottom line. Don’t let others think that you have no principles and oppress you at will. Over time, they will take it for granted.
There is a word in psychology called "psychological boundary", which is the boundary that the psychology can withstand external forces. This boundary can be understood as a limitation in interpersonal communication, divided into two parts: to others and to yourself.
"Neal's New Life" Stills
Neil Paulson vividly called psychological boundaries "psychological wall" in "Organizational Boundary Management". Psychological boundaries are like a wall that protects our hearts. Its clear definition will directly block behaviors that may hurt us from the wall, reduce our unnecessary psychological internal friction, and directly improve the stability of our emotions, help us form a good interpersonal relationship and communication model, and promote the healthy and stable development of the heart.
We are all independent individuals and have the right to choose freely; but at the same time, as an objective existence in society, we inevitably need to establish various links with others and maintain communication relationships. So protect your own psychological boundaries and don’t please others in order to become a likable person. You will get more opportunities.
The ideal interpersonal relationship is: Everyone is responsible for their emotions and behaviors, and does not need to be responsible for other people's emotions and behaviors.
In the workplace, in order to become a likable person, it is inevitable to join the "Tucao Conference" in the workplace. However, sometimes listening to too many negative energy topics will not only affect your views and judgments on some things. Over time, your interpersonal relationships will tend to be pessimistic and complaining, which will not help your work development.
blindly please others, but it will only reduce your value. It is impossible and unnecessary to please everyone. People who do well should please themselves the most.
Topic discussion today: Why do you think some people with unpleasant personalities are more likely to succeed?
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This article is original by Mei Zi’s Xiaomengxu. Welcome to follow and take you to gain knowledge!
