You are always too cautious and have you set up a high wall for yourself?
I feel like I am on an isolated island and can’t trust anyone?
wants to trust your partner, but you just can't trust him completely?
You may have "mistrust/abuse schema".
01 What is "distrust/abuse schema"?
In the definition of psychology, schema refers to the "rules" that we accepted in childhood , that is, how the world works, how relationships develop, how we should survive, and how we view ourselves.
"Distrust/abuse schema" is the rule that people learn after experiencing the cruel childhood of that is mean and abused.
"Distrust/abuse schema" is formed in an abusive relationship between an individual and his parents, adults or caregivers in the early stages. People with this schema may have suffered neglect and abuse as a child (physical, emotional or sexual abuse) , and may even have suffered inhuman, exploitative long-term abuse.
If we want to explore the "distrust/abuse schema", we must discuss the trauma we suffered as a child. The trauma of childhood will gradually accumulate, and even if you have grown up, it will still be difficult to get rid of those abused experiences. It feels like your destiny should be like this, and this world should be like this: cruel and full of harm. You can't escape, you can only adapt.
This schema will cause people to suffer strong pain. Many people may have such schemas, but we don’t know it ourselves.
For those who have this schema, when they grow up and are independent, they seem to feel that "the danger is over". They can take care of themselves and no longer have to rely on those who have hurt them. But is this really the case?
Although it looks like this, if you have this schema, you will still be unconsciously living according to the rules you have accepted. Your brain will think that relationships are a potential threat, so you will always be alert. If you see someone as a potential threat, it's hard to believe that he will treat you well.
It's like, When you grow up, you "can't see" the kindness of others to you. and your "invisible" will lead to depression or anxiety because you have been trying to handle interpersonal relationships and satisfy your desires and needs, but at the same time you are troubled by this schema.
You may have this experience: in consciousness you want to trust your partner, but when you can't do it, you will start to criticize yourself, and you will feel that you are flawed.
02 You may have 6 signs of "distrust/abuse schema" in
▨ It is hard for you to trust others. You don't trust people even those close to you, such as your partner or spouse. you think they are trying to control you.
▨ You think people are selfish. As long as people discover other people's handles and loopholes and are impunitive, they will fully exert their selfish nature.
▨ Since everyone is not trustworthy and may even hurt you, you may or have a hasty decision to be with someone, even if this person is not good to you.
▨ When you get familiar with someone, you may ignore the red flag that "this person is not suitable for you". In the end, you were indeed hurt by this person, and you distrust others even more.
▨ You think that in order to handle "interpersonal relationships" well, you must always "obey the other party" .
▨ There may be a mean or sadistic side in your self. When you are injured, this part of yourself will drive you to attack others in turn.
03 How to get rid of "distrust/abuse schema"?
Getting rid of this schema does not mean that you have to let yourself live in this world without defense and let yourself be hurt at will. Not so.
To find a way out from the "distrust/abuse schema", there are two main methods:
▨ Adjust cognition. try to accept the idea that you are growing up now, and the rules you were forced to accept as a child do not necessarily apply to your current life.
▨ Learn to set boundaries for yourself. You can learn to set different boundaries for yourself and then start trying to trust others. But of course there is a prerequisite for this, you must first make a judgment on the person's character.
However, these two points are easier said than done. This requires a lot of practice. you can do it step by step, take a little risk at the beginning, and continue to work hard on the basis of success.
In this process, you need to understand that your "distrust/abuse schema" is actually a self-protection reaction . Because when your schema is triggered, it also evokes the memories of your childhood in your brain. The painful memories that keep flashing back make you feel like you have become again, the abused child when you were a child, the helpless and powerless you.
And that's the key to getting rid of the "distrust/abuse schema": train your brain, makes yourself realize that you are no longer the powerless child when you were a child. You need to learn to believe in yourself, believe that you have grown up and become a capable adult, you have the right to choose, and you can take good care of yourself.
When necessary, you can seek help with psychological counseling in . People with this schema often have difficulty in establishing in-depth connections with others. Sometimes a consultant tries to build trust with the client, and the client will be superficial and not ready to really start trusting the relationship.
However, experienced consultants will see these signs. The consultants will respect and satisfy the wishes of the clients. At the same time, will help them realize this and slowly build trust to let them go of their doubts and vigilance.
Please let the abused self when I was a child see: You have grown up, you can say "no", you can make your life full of kindness, safety and love.
Please believe in yourself, you will eventually overcome those fears, open your heart, and embrace love and warmth boldly. Work hard to change. On this road, you may need professional help. The simple psychological "psychological physical examination" service can help you.
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This article is compiled, original link:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/flipping-out/202208/6-signs-mistrustatabuse-schema
Author: Richard Brouillette
Compilation: xxr
Picture source: Pinteresttml4
Editor: bird man, xxr
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