Have you ever had such an experience in your life:
A friend borrows money from you, but you don’t know how to refuse;
When you encounter troubles, you always want to tell others;
Relatives always intervene in your life under the guise of caring for you, but you don’t know how to explain it;
If similar problems happen to you, then you may be a person with an unclear sense of boundaries.
We live in a human society. We care more about friendship than those cold rules. This also makes us pay a huge price for all kinds of moral kidnapping , not knowing how to refuse, and not knowing how to say it.
The famous writer Bondarev said: "The root of all human suffering is the lack of a sense of boundaries."
1
A comfortable relationship requires a sense of boundaries
Living in the world is not an isolated island. Each of us has our own network of relationships, whether it is relatives, friends, or colleagues.
In the process of interacting with people, we always hope that the relationship with each other will be intimate, and often ignore independent individuals.
Although we have many things in common, everyone's thoughts are unique, which also makes us have our own space, and the sense of boundary is the boundary between ourselves and others.
The sense of boundary is not alienation, but respect. It is the bottom line when getting along with others without touching others' hearts.
Psychologist Tawab said in the book "Boundaries": "The so-called sense of boundaries is a sense of proportion. It is a measure for self-protection when we are overwhelmed."
When we are in interpersonal relationships, boundaries When boundaries are unclear or undefined, it will make us feel distressed and even make life overwhelmed.
Female writer Xiao Hong is a fan of Lu Xun. When she fled to Shanghai, Lu Xun gave her a lot of care and help.
This was Lu Xun’s kindness, but Xiao Hong ran to Lu Xun’s house every two days to express her feelings.
At that time, Lu Xun was in his later years. Xu Guangping While taking care of Lu Xun, he also had to devote his energy to accompany Xiao Hong, which also made Xu Guangping often exhausted.
Xiao Hong has a good heart. Xu Guangping could only write down his personal feelings in the article due to human feelings, but the slow Xiao Hong did not feel it.
Obviously, Xiao Hong is a person who lacks a sense of boundaries, while Xu Guangping failed to gain the other party's understanding through implicit expressions due to interpersonal relationships.
If we lack a sense of boundaries and do not clearly say no when being disturbed, it is easy for others to violate our boundaries and become a habit.
If we want to establish a healthy interpersonal relationship, we must have a sense of boundaries, so that we can gain a sense of security from them.
2
No matter how good the relationship is, don't poke people's shortcomings
There are always some people in life whose boundaries are blurred and they don't care about the other person's feelings, which makes people feel even more stressed.
When friends get together, they often show off their sense of superiority, showing everyone how high their salary is, what kind of car they drive, how many houses they buy, and how good their children are.
After telling his story, he will ask some questions that you can't answer: How much money do you earn every month? Why aren't you married yet? You’re so old and you still don’t want children?
The answers they want to know may be the scars that others want to cover.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman said in the book "Emotional Intelligence": "The degree to which you make people comfortable determines the height you can reach."
People who always expose others' shortcomings and have no sense of boundaries , often makes people want to distance themselves, and over time they become strangers.
During the Three Kingdoms period, Cao Cao and Xu You were very good friends when they were young. The two talked about everything and had a very good relationship.
Later, in the Battle of Guandu, Xu You offered a plan to burn Wuchao, and helped Cao Cao defeat Yuan Shao, and made great contributions.
From then on, Xu You thought he had made contributions to Cao Cao, and began to take credit for himself, even Cao Cao didn't look down on him.
Once, Xu You called Cao Cao by his nickname at the gate of Yecheng and said: " Ah Man , without me, can you win Jizhou ?"
Cao Cao's nickname was Ah Man, Cao Cao was smiling on the surface, but he was very unhappy in his heart. He felt that Xu You was becoming more and more hateful.
Later, during a meal, Xu You said to his men: "Don't look at how majestic Cao Ah'an is now. When we were children, we stole together, gambled and cheated money, and we were so happy."
Cao Cao was furious after hearing this. Finally, unable to bear it anymore, he ordered Xu You to be taken into custody and soon killed him.
People often say that you should not slap someone in the face, and you should not expose someone's shortcomings. No matter how good the relationship is, you must learn to respect each other and protect other people's privacy.
If you casually talk about other people's privacy and stick needles in other people's sore spots, the boat of friendship may capsize at any time.
3
Intimate relationships must be measured
There is a fable in the West:
In the cold winter, two hedgehogs depended on each other for warmth. At first, because they were too close, their respective thorns stabbed each other bloody.
Later, they adjusted their posture and opened an appropriate distance between each other. Not only could they keep each other warm, but they also protected each other well.
This is the famous " hedgehog effect" in psychology. Even in a close relationship, if you get too close, you will hurt each other.
I have seen many families where parents always intervene in all their children's affairs under the banner of "for your own good" and want to make decisions for them. In the end, the children either become giant babies or become enemies.
My parents may not understand that I have paid so much, but not only have I received nothing in return, but I have gotten this result.
In fact, we must understand that parents who interfere too much in their children's lives will make them become unintentional and boring people.
Therefore, in a family, it is difficult for parents who lack a sense of boundaries to raise children with a sense of happiness.
Yang Jiang's father Yang Yinhang is a very measured person in close relationships. When Yang Jiang has questions, he will not make the decision for Yang Jiang without permission, but encourages her to think independently.
When she was in middle school, Yang Jiang was excellent in all subjects. She couldn't make up her mind whether to study literature or science, so she went home and asked her father.
My father said: "You make the decision yourself, learn whatever you like."
Yang Jiang felt that her father indulged her too much, but her father said: "What suits you best is what you like, don't care about the evaluation of the outside world."
In the end, Yang Jiang chose liberal arts according to her inner thoughts and became a famous writer.
As parents, we are always afraid that our children will be hurt, so we take over everything for our children and do everything for them.
In fact, we must understand that while we are paying for our children, we must also learn to withdraw from our children's lives gracefully and help our children plump up their own feathers.
4
is written at the end
Writer Zhou Guoping said: "All interactions have a final limit that cannot be crossed, and all troubles and conflicts come from wanting to break through this limit."
You must have a good sense of proportion when getting along with others, and while not infringing on others' boundaries, Also protect your boundaries from being violated.
The most comfortable relationship with others is to have a sense of boundaries.
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