Hello everyone, I am Hu Junli.
Family education entrepreneur who accompanys mothers to raise their children scientifically.
※ In addition to original articles, 3 study notes are selected every day.
Learning notes come from: books, official accounts, Zhihu, Weibo, paid communities, group chats, circle of friends, etc., which do not represent personal opinions, and do not know the original source, so most of them do not indicate where they are excerpted and deleted if they are infringed.
This is the 284th study note: Parents get angry for no reason to divert the anger formed by internal friction.
is the main text of the study notes.
1, provoking conflicts is to transfer internal consumption
If a parent is in a bad state, in most cases, it is more difficult for a child to experience the warmth of the family.
These people are exhausted to encourage their lives. The unknown fear and anxiety make them retreat. Home may be the only place where they can be unscrupulous, and their children become the only object without any scruples.
There is no reason to provoke conflicts just to divert the anger formed by internal friction.
Whether it is a matter of criticism for being in trouble or a harsh criticism in the egg, it is all about diverting the conflict and venting one's inner dissatisfaction.
use up all the vicious insults but don’t feel any guilt. The extremely double standard behavior is actually to find a kind of value of nothingness.
- Excerpted from "Structural Science"
2, see your own stubbornness
When we stubbornly change a stubborn person, we usually can only see the other person's stubbornness, but not our own stubbornness.
Retract the eyes of others and focus on yourself.
Parents can be aware of themselves. When we say that children are stubborn and stubborn, they are unwilling to listen to them no matter what they say or are unwilling to do, from another perspective, are we ourselves also stubborn?
said it hundreds of times, but he didn't listen, but we still wanted to say it. Who is stubborn in
?
3, "good" is the psychological armor of pleasing people
There are logical flaws and errors in the mentality of pleasing people.
They are not only wrong, but also harmful and dangerous.
Because they can lead to negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, self-blame and guilt, which makes you stuck in a backfire tension cycle and it is difficult to extricate yourself.
The mentality of pleasing people is dangerous because they instigate you to find reasons for your pleasing people's habits, allowing these habits to become deeply rooted.
They also indulge you to continue to escape negative and terrible emotions, and the consequence is that you have never learned to overcome or control these emotions.
As you will see, some pleasing mindsets may be appropriate, or even beneficial, in your childhood.
But now you are an adult, most of this mentality is not good for you.
You need to fix and correct your wrong thinking, because your current way of thinking is no longer suitable for you.
On the contrary, They trap you firmly in the trap of pleasing.
To put it vividly, your mind has been poisoned by your flawed and wrong way of thinking, at least it has been polluted.
In today's Internet language, your mind is filled with a virus that is destroying most of the data on your hard drive, including your emotions and behaviors when you are with others.
For example, 's mentality of pleasing people is firmly rooted in the forced self-concept of being a good person.
You not only expect others to generally recognize your unparalleled goodness, but also hope that your heart will always be happy.
"Good" is the psychological armor for pleasing people.
Deep in your heart, you believe that being a good person can win the love of others and protect you from meanness, rejection, anger, conflict, criticism and opposition.
However, when you have a negative experience with another person (this is part of our life and is inevitable), your way of thinking will make you feel guilty.
This is because is in a pleasing mindset. If you are rejected or hurt, you will think the reason is that you are not good enough.
This idea is only a short distance from the frustration that is unfavorable to oneself.
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