In the process of educating children, many parents will have these questions:
Why does love fail?
Why does the more you talk to your children, the more they forget?
Why do children always make the same mistakes again and again?
...
The author of this book, Zeng Jizhou, combines his educational experience to make a unique and profound understanding of these problems, and provides parents and friends with practical coping methods, which has been welcomed and recognized by hundreds of thousands of parents.
These understandings and methods are summarized in the book "Eleven Questions on Family Education".
No matter which issue you first encountered this book, we hope it can be helpful to you, because - if the parents are right, the children will be right!
"Eleven Questions on Family Education" Chapter 1 (Part 2)
1
On Douban there is a group called "Anti-Parents Parents Are Disasters". There are more than 110,000 people in the group, and everyone is accusing their parents.
There is such a report: An 18-year-old boy chose to commit suicide after taking the college entrance examination. Before committing suicide, he wrote a suicide note - a 3,000-word complaint against his parents, saying that he did not feel the love from his parents at all. His grief-stricken parents didn't know what kind of person they were in their children's eyes until now.
What your children see about you may be completely different from what you think you are. It’s not that children misunderstand their parents, but that parents don’t “know” themselves.
Your expectations for your children may come from your own unsatisfactory life; your way of disciplining your children may come from your childhood experiences that you no longer want to remember; all your devotion to your children may be to comfort the loss and imbalance in a corner of your heart.
To educate children, you must first view yourself correctly, know yourself, and accept yourself.
2
Duke University in the United States conducted a study. By interviewing mothers of preschool children to learn about their own childhood conditions, it was found that the conditions of these mothers can be divided into three groups.
The mothers in the first group had warm and beautiful memories of their childhood peer relationships. This type of mother believes that she was a child with good social adaptability when she was a child, and now she is a mother with better nurturing skills. They also believe that their children have good social adaptability.
Such children and mothers are lucky. They can welcome every day with sunshine and confidence. They understand that even if they have a bad day or a bad period, it is just a small bump in the predictable path of a wonderful life.
On the contrary, in the childhood memories of the other two groups of mothers, most of them showed unpleasant experiences with peers.
The mothers in the second group felt that their ability to adapt to society was poor when they were young. Likewise, they believe that their children's social adaptability is relatively weak. This group of mothers believed that they did not have good parenting skills, and they were also quite anxious about the social development of their children. Unfortunately, they are unable to channel their anxiety into effective help for their children.
What’s interesting is the third group of mothers. Like the second group, the mothers in this group also believed that most of their childhood experiences with peers were lonely and anxious, and they all felt that they were children with poor adaptability when they were young. However, they believed that they were mothers with good nurturing skills. Of the three groups of mothers, this group made the most effective efforts to intervene in their children's partnerships.
After reading this study, I remembered a mother I once met. She is very cheerful, has a sweet smile, and is very warm to people. It should be regarded as the kind of personal social interaction without any obstacles.
Her son has a little friend who is easily out of control. Once out of control, he will hit someone. If the other person fights back, the child will cry all the time. Whenever her son has a conflict with this little friend, the mother will say to him: "It's a blessing to suffer a disadvantage. You are sensible, so you have to give in to him." Constantly emphasizing the concept of "you should be good friends with him."
I feel that this mother completely ignored the child's inner feelings and used a concept that the child could not understand to suppress some of the child's instinctive reactions (such as disgust, resistance, etc.).
3
When I was in elementary school, the school organized a singing team. On the one hand, it may be because my grandfather was the principal, and on the other hand, it may be that it needed accompanying dancers. One of the songs was accompanied by singing and dancing. I had learned dance in the Children's Palace for many years, so I was "put" into the singing team. Why is
put in? Because in the words of my teacher at the time, when I sang, the rhythm was very good, but the timbre was not good. Sometimes the opening of one's mouth affects the harmony. So much so that the teacher told me, "When you sing, you only need to open your mouth and don't need to make a sound."
You can probably imagine what kind of psychological blow this was to an eleven-year-old child. To describe it as a bolt from the blue is not an exaggeration. The teachers stood there and evaluated every child "unscrupulously", treating the children as if they existed like air.
When I first entered junior high school, my grandfather took me to register. On the way back, I went back to school with a classmate who graduated from the same elementary school and her mother.
Her mother is also a teacher, and our family all lives in the school. A bicycle behind me kept ringing its bell, and I kept walking along the side of the road, trying to make way for him, but I didn't look back. Suddenly there was a sudden braking sound, and I felt my heel being touched. When I turned around, the front wheel of the bicycle was right next to my feet.
Grandpa saw it and glared at me, "You won't look back and give way to the car?" Fortunately, the classmate's mother was there, "He was already giving way. It was the cyclist who had a problem. He was trying to compete with pedestrians." She turned around and said something to the cyclist. I was very grateful to that classmate’s mother.
Although I studied with my grandfather, and my grandfather was the principal, I never dared to ask him any questions about his studies. Because no matter what I asked, I got a scolding in return, "What did you do in class?" "Think about it for yourself!"
Other students were very envious of me. They felt that I had a tutor at home and didn't have to worry about not being able to do my homework. The envy of my classmates was in stark contrast to the helplessness inside me.
These scenes always linger in my mind. For a long time, I didn’t think that anything good would happen to me. Once any problem arises, I will have all kinds of worries. In fact, the problem may not have anything to do with me at all.
4
A group of friends who lived in the school were playing together and running along the edge of the circular flower bed. One of the friends stumbled, lost his balance, and fell into the flower bed, crushing a hollyhock. The other friends continued to play as if nothing was wrong.
I began to feel uncomfortable, and all kinds of worries began to come to my mind. The classmate I just mentioned who went home together after registering for middle school saw that I was distracted and comforted me, "It's not you who is overwhelming me. What are you worried about?"
I think her state is related to the education her mother gave her. I have kept in touch with her, and she has always lived a relaxed and comfortable life.
Fortunately, I can self-aware, self-transcend, self-repair, and choose to work hard and work hard to change, instead of being negative and self-exile. Otherwise, my life would probably be a bottomless abyss.
5
Parents should constantly reflect on their childhood experiences, constantly feel their own feelings, go through their own past pain, and understand themselves, so that they can better understand and educate their children.
But in fact, many adults are "forgetful", as if they grew up overnight. When they were children, they were so smart, so obedient, and so passionate about learning. There is always a question, what is wrong with today’s children?
In fact, there is nothing wrong with today’s children, it’s just that you have forgotten your childhood. If you are not aware of yourself, you will not be able to truly understand your children. If you are not careful, you will become the annoying "adult" you saw when you were a child.
If you have an Aladdin's magic lamp on your hand, rub it gently, and a little fairy will appear:
"Dear, you can make a wish now, health, happiness, wealth, please choose one, and you can only choose one to accompany your child's life."
I believe that every parent will choose health without hesitation. "If the skin is not there, the hair will not be attached." Without health, everything else is empty talk. However, in real life, many parents say that health is the most important thing, but their actions run counter to it.
When I was growing up, there were two things that remained fresh in my memory. When I was in junior high school, I would sit on the threshold and memorize words with an English dictionary in my arms. I am from the south, and there is a threshold at the door of my old house.
My mother was cooking and walked back and forth beside me for several times. Finally she couldn't help but ask me, "What are you doing?" "I'm memorizing words!" "Are you trying to put everything in this book into your brain?" "Yes!" My mother was in the second grade of elementary school. At this time, she showed great worry, "How can this brain be tolerated? Don't memorize it! Read a book and ruin your brain. It’s not cost-effective!”
When I first decided to write a book, I called my father very proudly and said, “Dad, I’m going to write a book!” I originally thought that my father would be particularly pleased, but the other end of the phone turned out to be endlessly worried, “Writing a book takes too much brain power, so don’t write it if you can’t!” “It’s okay, just convert what happened before into words, it doesn’t take a lot of brainpower. "I comforted my father. "Okay, if you insist on writing, I won't stop you. Remember to drink more soy milk and eat more tofu to replenish your brain!" My father said to me.
These are my father and mother. I believe that for them, the health of their children is really important. Academic studies, fame, etc. are not worth mentioning in front of health.
6
Which one is more important? Smart parents must combine knowledge with action. Children's meals must be reasonable, and children must often be taken for outdoor activities. Let them run, jump, and bump into each other as they grow up.
Why are children so active? Why can't they concentrate? Why can't they sleep well at night? Why don't they eat well? Why can't they balance when walking? Why do they fall over when they run? Most of them are due to lack of exercise.
As soon as you move, you will consume your energy, you will be exhausted, you will be exhausted, you will sleep when it is time to sleep, and you will eat when it is time to eat; your strong energy will have an outlet, your attention will not be easily distracted, and the phenomenon of hyperactivity will be alleviated.
The health of children is really more important than anything else.
