Whether it is in the course of parent-child relationship or during consultation, I have "antibody" : "Teacher Shuhui, you have the problems you mentioned in me." Or: "Teacher Shuhui, I have the problems you mentioned in my children."
At first, I felt very useful when I heard such feedback. This at least proved that what I said was correct, which aroused the reflection of parents to a certain extent. I imagined that with such reflection, they would try to change.
However, at that time I made changing my imagination too simple and imagined everything too beautiful. There are many parents who are very good at learning, reflecting and blaming themselves, but it is more difficult for them to change. I even find that the more good at learning and the deeper people reflect, the faster they will rebound when they return to their families. In psychology, this phenomenon is called "reverse formation" .
A case
A mother told her confusion in consultation. Her child had been off school for more than a year, but in the past year, the child did not give up the idea of returning to school. She said to her every few days: "Mom, I will go to school next week..." Then there was a series of grand goals and ideas. At first, she was naturally full of joy and discussed with the child very actively, but just like this, one week after another, one day after another, and one year after another, she had been used to this pattern of her child.
In the past year, she has never given up on studying and consulting. She has discovered many problems with herself. She has been working hard to change herself. However, in the face of her children, in addition to dealing with them on the surface, she is still powerless. Of course, her heart is also full of anger towards her children.
She later asked for consultation after hearing me talk about class in in the school. The first consultation was . She told me about her confusion and her efforts in the face of these confusions. I also talked about my own views from different angles. When the consultation was about to end, she reflected on her own questions seriously and said that my feedback and suggestions were very helpful to her, and she would try to change herself after she went back.
The second consultation is still the case. She continued to tell how she reflected on it, and then asked me to help her with advice and see what else she did not do enough. Whenever I try to remind her to slow down and not be busy reflecting, she doesn't know what she should do. In this way, our consultation unknowingly formed a rule. I didn’t have to look at the watch. Whenever she summarized, reflected on herself, and told me what she was going to do after she went back, I knew that the time for the consultation was over.
After consulting several times , she seemed to have discovered something once and suddenly asked, "Teacher Shuhui, why have you never cared about whether I have made progress? I think I can learn a lot from you every time, and I can reflect a lot every time. I have a lot to change."
I smiled and responded: "I see You are reflecting seriously every time, and I think you must have done a good job. " (This is a "small trick" I often use in consultation, giving the client a space to let her realize whether those reflections are helpful to her in a practical sense.)
She frowned: "It's not like this, I also think I have reflected very well, but it won't happen when I do it. It feels so difficult, which has always been a trouble for me.”
A topic
This is exactly the thm that I want to discuss with her, and then responded: “If that is the case, then we might as well discuss first why your reflections are difficult to help you. Maybe for you, is now a very important topic . "
When discussing such an issue, we made a major discovery. Every time her son made up his mind to go to school, he regretted that he had been wasting time in the past, and was full of guilt for some of his past practices. However, when it was really necessary to change, he could not do it.
Why is this said a major discovery? It is not that because we see that the problems in the child also exist in the mother, we arbitrarily said that the child's problem is that the mother is "contagious" , but we found a path to understand the child .
Facing a child who has been saying that she is going to school but can't move, the mother has not understood it in the past. Now that the mother finds that there is the same problem in herself, she should not rush to understand the child. She can try to understand herself first.
This is like when we see someone accidentally knocking her teeth and grinning in pain, and her heart may be full of doubts: "Is it that painful? "When one day I accidentally knocked and felt the piercing pain, we may think of the scene we saw, so that we can better understand the person's feelings at that time. I think this is the deepest empathy between people. In parent-child relationships and intimate relationships, this is also the most powerful support for each other .
We re-agreed html l5 Consulting target . She tried to relax a little, not let herself always study so hard, and kept falling into endless reflection and guilt, and see what would happen.
Some changes
One day, her son found his mother and continued to talk to her about her future and how she planned to go to school. As she talked, her son was a little lost : "Mom, why do I feel that you are absent-minded recently? Is it because I haven't been able to go to school? "
She is very honest responded: "Child, mom feels that she doesn't have the energy to talk to you about these things now. Mom finds that she also has things that she always makes up her mind to do but cannot do, such as mom has always made up her mind to accept your current state, but mom can't do it. There are also things you can't do with your mother, so she really doesn't know how to help you. "After hearing this, the child said nothing, and left silently.
A few days later, the child asked his mother to help him find a psychological counselor to talk to. This is a huge change for the child. You should know that he has always refused to do psychological counseling in the past. Once the child's motivation is rising, the problem will be solved. Later, I met this family in the consultation room, and they did family consultation .
Some reflections
Some examples have been encountered in my work. I don’t believe that the big problem can be in a family has not been solved after a long time of hard work; I don’t believe that there are parents who have made all the bad mistakes and have done all the harm to their children in this world; I don’t believe that there are children who have all the problems in this world and who don’t even have one advantage.
If the problem you encounter is repeatedly bothering you, it may mean that you need to re-knowledge the possible problems in k.If you are a good person, especially when you are learning psychology and family education knowledge in , you need to re-aware whether has over-learned and over-reflected .
Where are people, they are the most important. The purpose of our study of psychology or psychological counseling is not to simply reflect on our past actions, but to make ourselves more relaxed and more calm and understand when facing our lovers and children. Time will not go back, be pragmatic, closer to our lives, and all our efforts will be towards the present and the future.
Author: Teacher Shuhui
A practical psychological counselor who concentrates on counseling
A person who does not do the right thing in front of the client,
But you can be a psychological counselor who can be used to be a gem
A person who often has some weird theories,
But you will be a non-famous psychological counselor who will penetrate into your heart
In short, it is a psychological counselor who is the most unlike a psychological counselor.
(accepts ground & online video consultation)
Author | Shuhui
Edited by | Qingyu
Picture source online, the copyright of the picture belongs to the original author
