Every time I see a mother who has two children in three years in the yard, with a small one lying in the car and a big one holding a big one in my hand, I will respect her and think that this mother is a shining god of war.
Although I did not have a second child, I have come into contact with many consulting cases of second child families and saw the difficulties and chaos of second child families.
"Take a baby with you, and bring two babies with you, and you can grow up together" may not be so beautiful in today's society.
If the eldest and second brother are under 6 years old, parents will face great parenting challenges. Happiness is doubled, but worries and collapse are also doubled.
If both children are under 6 years old, the three major parenting challenges parents have to face
If both children are under 6 years old, these are probably the following situations: the eldest is 2 or 3 years old, the second is born, the eldest is 4 or 5 years old, the second is born, or the twins are in place in one step. Age range like
means that the following parenting challenges will have higher chances and probability of the following parenting challenges. The difficulties parents generally encounter are:
1, Dabao's sense of security problem
Many mothers have found that the arrival of the second baby will more or less damage Dabao's sense of security, because Dabao is also a little baby, and the maternal and infant attachment relationship and sense of security are still being improved. Although he can do many things independently, reading, eating, going to the toilet, playing, and speaking, Dabao's dependence and attention on his mother has not decreased.
Instead, it will be sad because my mother spends most of her time and energy taking care of Erbao. She feels that she is neglected, her mother no longer loves herself, and her younger brother and sister stole the mother who originally belonged to her.
Big treasures who lack security usually experience the following behaviors to rob mothers:
- becomes scared, timid, and dare not stay alone. They must be accompanied by their family. They suddenly start wetting the bed and wetting their pants.
- What they could do in the past, but now they are unwilling to do it. They must help their family.
- are not friendly to younger brothers and sisters, and rob them of younger brothers and sisters toys
- are unwilling to go to kindergarten. I prefer to stay at home
- deliberately oppose parents, which is very rebellious. In order to gain attention, I deliberately anger my family
- says some surprising things, such as: I want to run away from home, you don’t like me
2. I often break the lawsuit, and I have to buy two copies of things
often have parents to consult. The eldest and the second child always snatch toys, the eldest and the second child always beat the second child what to do, or I bought something for the eldest, and the second child also had to buy two of the same things at a time, guaranteeing one for each person, otherwise they would fight.
Mom is like a judge at home. She has to make a lawsuit every day and make a judgment on right and wrong. She always has children to complain, and she is really not at peace for a moment.
If parents always ask the boss to give in to the second child, it will destroy the boss's sense of security and hinder the development of the second child's social awareness.
3. Comparison of two children, hold one and step on one and
When there are two children in front of us, "contrast" occurs, so everyone generally believes that the second child is smarter than the eldest, and the second child is easier to take care of.
The same behavior, we will think about how the boss did at that time, how the second brother did, or when criticizing the boss, he said: Look how good the brother/sister is, you are not as good as your brother/sister.
In front of the boss, he praised the second child without hesitation. However, when the topic turned to the boss, he looked disgusted and hated.
Perhaps what parents don’t know is that when you can’t see it, the boss will vent his dissatisfaction on the second child and deliberately bully the second child.
Because of parents' comparison and stomping, there is less care and care between the two children, and more hatred and dissatisfaction.
The fundamental reason for these parenting challenges is that the ages are too similar, and they are both in the same growth stage
The fundamental reason for the above challenges is that the age range of the two children is under 6 years old, and the age difference is at most 3 or 4 years old. This objective fact brings:
The growth rules of the two children are similar and the growth needs are highly the same, and the parenting help provided by parents is basically the same. However, parents' time, energy and financial resources are limited and cannot be taken care of. It is just a simple bowl of water.
From the child's cognitive development level
Both children are in the stage of self-aware development, but the second child may be in the stage of self-awareness budding stage, and the eldest child has reached the peak of self-awareness. Although the cognitive level is different, the development performance includes: self-centeredness, rebellion, facing parents, not, not, and not always.
Big rebels and small rebels are fighting each other, big rebels and parents are fighting each other, and small rebels and parents are fighting each other, isn’t it all very upset?
From the child's growth needs
The growth opportunities that both children need at this stage are: being able to choose and make decisions by themselves, the company and love of parents, and the establishment of a sense of security.
However, parents have limited time and energy.
Take reading picture books as an example. The picture books the eldest brother reads cannot understand. The picture books the second brother reads are naive. If only mothers are the only ones, how can we balance it?
When you coax your second child to sleep, eat breastfeeding, and change diapers, you will definitely not be able to accompany your eldest child. While playing with the boss, the second child suddenly woke up and cried, and he must let go of the boss and take care of the second child.
Although under normal circumstances, second-child families will have the help of the elderly, their attachment to their mothers cannot be replaced by the elderly. The children cannot remember that they were taken care of wholeheartedly during their infancy. At the age when he "knows something", what he saw is that the mother spent more time on the second child.
How do parents deal with the difficulties of raising second-children whose two children are under the age of 6
or above, although the difficulties of raising second-children are inevitable, they have already given birth to a second child. How should we deal with it?
1. Set a separate and exclusive parent-child time for the boss
The boss's sense of security is the biggest parenting problem for second-child families. When the mother's energy and time are limited, how to avoid the boss's sense of security? Here is a very important core principle: the quality of companionship is more important than companionship time.
Therefore, the measures we need to take are: set a separate and exclusive parent-child time for the boss. This time can be fixed every day and does not take too long. 40 minutes or 1 hour is enough. During this period, the mother and the boss are alone in the same room, chatting, playing games, reading books, and doing what the boss likes to do.
The second child is handed over to other people in the family to take care of to ensure that the parent-child time with the eldest child is not interrupted. Although such company is not long, the quality is very high. The child feels his mother's unique attention and love for him and is also very happy. He knows that this period belongs to him and his mother and has nothing to do with his younger brother and sister, and his sense of security will be consolidated and repaired.
2. Use all the family members who can be used, divide the work and cooperate
Raising two children requires teamwork, using everyone in the family, instead of putting everything on the mother alone.
Especially during the suspension of classes, before going to bed, and on holidays, when both children are at home, everyone in the family should do their own jobs and work together.
For example, during the period before going to bed, both children have to wash, read, and eat, but the sleeping time and reading level are different, so the division of labor is given. The father or the elderly are responsible for washing, reading, and coaxing to sleep, and the mother is responsible for washing, reading, and coaxing to sleep. After the child is done, there are still a lot of housework at home, right? Continue to divide the labor, wash dishes and clean the kitchen, wash clothes by one person, clean toys by one person, and mop the floor by one person.
Unity and cooperation can prevent everyone in the family from feeling excessive fatigue and emotional irritability. A irritable family member will not benefit the emotional development of two children.
3, have clear family rules
For solving the headaches between two children, one eats well and the other does not eat well, playing with mobile phones, the most effective way is to formulate clear family rules and use rules instead of repeated preaching.
For example, two children should have their own territory for toys and set rules. If they want to play with each other's toys, they must seek consent and cannot be taken casually.
Don’t mix the toys of two children together. Take whichever you want to play, it’s unlikely to achieve.
For example, eating rules, sitting on a dining chair, not eating and playing, etc., snack rules, everyone has the opportunity to buy snacks once a week, how much each time they buy.
Clear family rules can not only avoid a lot of quarrels, but also help two children establish a good sense of rules. Most importantly, it makes it easy for parents.
This is how raising children is. It hurts and is happy. I hope every second-child family can have less worries and more happiness.
