I read an article a while ago, sharing my experience of "when a child asks his mother why he can do this and I can't, how should I answer." The author’s suggestion is to explain to the child, no matter what others do, because this is our standard , so we must do this.
I thought at the time that this explanation seemed quite convenient and sounded quite reasonable, , but I suddenly remembered that our family never had any rules 😂.
So I started to substitute myself. If such a thing happened in our house, how would I explain it to my child?
I think I will: First, explain to the child why we do this; If others don’t do this, mom understands that you feel unfair and angry, but we have no way to interfere with other people’s behavior , so what we can do is knows how to do it right and do what we think is right .
I hate dogma the most. Give your children a dead rule, and they will continue to want to take advantage of loopholes and find loopholes.
I found that when I tried to save trouble and "exclusively prohibited" my children, they would immediately use their brains to find the loophole, "... can I do it? Then, can I do it if I do this?" set a rule like fighting wits and courage with the children, and they have to fight for a win or loss.
But this does not mean that I think children can be without rules . I prefer to stop them immediately when they have inappropriate behavior, and at the same time communicate with them with logical .
Not sticking to formal family rules
Family Rules
Family Rules
When I was a child, my parents never set any family rules for me. But it doesn't mean that my parents don't care about me at all and do not set rules. Their approach is that depends on the matter, and there are no explicit or verbal regulations on .
For example, my mother would want me to remember my elders’ birthdays. If I had been studying, doing business, traveling, or traveling, I would bring gifts to my elders. She would remind me at the appropriate time, but would not ask me in particular.
We have not set up family rules for our children, and the family atmosphere is relatively free. I think home is the most tolerant place, and children can be themselves freely.
Relatively speaking, teammates will have a little more constraints, such as not jumping like this, not kneeling on the ground, not speaking loudly, etc.... But it is also because of specific things to remind you, and there are no fixed rules.
I also have times when I am irritable and impatient. I don’t want to explain too much to my child. I said toughly that doesn’t work, but it doesn’t work! The child will refute or find loopholes in the rules and say that he will not do anything.
But when the child "negotiated" with me, my emotions also have time to buffer. Think about what they said is not unreasonable, and it may not necessarily happen... This will also prompt me to reflect on myself. Is necessary? I think telling children the logic behind rules is more important than what to do or not do.
For example, I have always advocated that children eat with their families, not run around during meals, do other things, and communicate with their parents at the same table.
I will explain to the children why eating with the family is a particularly important thing . "Because this is a precious time for the family to get together to communicate. Usually, parents are at work, grandparents have to be busy with other things, you have to go to school, we can't get together all the family. Only when eating, everyone is gathering together. This is our family time, so mom hopes that you can participate. Even if you don't want to eat, you can sit over and talk to us."
If it is a mandatory and explicit regulation, the child will sometimes be too obsessed with specific behavior: I don't eat, why do I still have to sit at the table? His own logic cannot be self-consistent.
Especially in families with two children, 's rational model can make children feel a "sense of fairness" better than setting strict family rules.
Like our family has two children, Sometimes The same rules for the synchronization level of two people is different .
When my younger brother was still young, although he would try to sit with us for dinner, sometimes he still couldn't sit still and ran away, saying that he was not hungry and wanted to play.
Sister will feel unfair, Why can my younger brother go to play, watch cartoons, why can't I?
Just from the perspective of action, this matter will become a fair dispute, because Niu Niu is eating obediently at the dinner table, without any wine. At this time, I will say to Niu Niu:
You are sitting with us, mom is very happy. We can spend a precious time together, respect the grandparents who cook, and let us all enjoy family time and be able to chat with you. You did a great job!
Jiujiu can't do it like you now. We can't force everyone to do as well as we do , but we can continue to do what we should do and image it.
She will realize that she is willing to sit there not because her mother stipulates that she is going to sit there, but because she is willing to spend some time with her family so she sits at the table and eats together.
I will also repeatedly say with Jiujiu that it is very important for his family to get together for dinner. When he grows up a little, he will become more and more self-disciplined.
Another time I encountered a lot of people queuing. Someone was found by the children when they went to the line. I would also explain to the children: queuing is to improve efficiency and to enable everyone to buy things faster. Those who come first should be served first. If everyone squeezes and grabs, the efficiency will be lower and there will be no fairness.
I always feel that dogmatic rules are dead and cold, and there is no way for people to follow them willingly. It is really unnecessary to set up some tough rules and regulations to establish parents' prestige or to make children obedient.
The specific analysis of specific things is nothing bad. gives children the greatest freedom within a controllable range. , telling children the reasons behind the so-called rules, , and they will definitely understand. Even though may not be able to comply with it immediately at that time, this impact is longer than the rules themselves.
Of course, some parents think that after explaining the truth to their children, they still hope to list some rules that they think are very important. Of course, there is no problem. My only advice is not to check the so-called " A family sets these 10 family rules for children to have a promising " articles or templates online.
There is no copy-able household rules
Family Rules
Family Rules, family rules, are rules that every member of the family needs to abide by . is not specially formulated to limit children.
family rules should be All family members discuss the final decision to restrict all family members , so if the child is old enough, invite them to discuss the reasonable rules they think are suitable for the family.
If they participate in this process, they will also be able to have a sense of belonging to the family rules . They will feel that this is the rule that agrees and recognizes . Not only will they be more willing to abide by it, but they will encourage others to abide by it.
So If parents cannot abide by the rules, it is not recommended to put them in the family rules: For example, you must go to bed before 8 o'clock and play with your mobile phone for more than 30 minutes.
In addition, compared to very vague conceptual rules, I recommend that be more practical and involves the establishment of rules for specific behaviors .
If they just put forward conceptual rules for children, it is actually difficult for them to understand. When encountering specific things, they still don’t know how to do it correctly.
For example, if you want to be "polite", where is the boundary of politeness? : I have met a friend whom I met on the road and said hello, or did someone snatch my toys and I would give it to him. : It is difficult for the child to confirm by himself.
The last suggestion is that family rules cannot be modified in the end. As the child grows up, it is necessary to constantly modify and adjust the family rules.
Family rules are not the end point that restricts children
Family Rules
Family Rules may be the framework on the road of children's growth, and can be the model for family members to get along with each other in the family, but this decision is not the end point of standardizing and educating children.
There are many things, children need to learn to judge by themselves and judge how to do . Now, it may be because they are still young and need guidance from their parents, but in the end they need their own values and worldview to judge right or wrong. is better to give them the correct value orientation than giving them rules.
When we give our children the correct values, you will find that rules is actually so important sometimes. For a child, he doesn’t have to fight to the point of doing or not doing this, because he understands the meaning behind the rules.
For example, before, our family went skiing, and I was having a snowball fight with Jiujiu. He wanted to cross his snowball fight to block the snowballs I threw over. He thought this was particularly handsome.
But I thought this was very unsafe, so I said to him: You can't wave it with snow pole , it's easy to poke people!
I hope he can manage his own items well. When there are many people, especially when queuing up on the cableway, the snow pole he waves can easily block the road or poke others.
But I only told him, Don’t wave it with a snow pole, it will hit others.
Wine and wine will defend: There is no one around me... (Me: What if someone comes?) But I can't poke someone else's, I just don't, why not?
I began to explain to him that if you keep waving the snow pole and forming a habit, if someone suddenly appears around you, you are just waving the snow pole and will poke someone else. This is a public place, everyone is active together, and your behavior may be may hurt others, so you can't!
It seems that I asked Jiujiu not to wave my snow poles, but the logic behind it is that we don’t want him to hurt others because of his own carelessness, and respect others in public.
In fact, when he truly understands the logic behind it, he can actually not be so dogmatic. If our surroundings are really empty and there is no one in the radius of 100 meters, he can play on the spot, but it is actually allowed because there is indeed no one in this space.
So I always think that is the worst way to restrain children by relying solely on rules. We and children emphasize what we can do and what we cannot do. What is more important about is the logic behind it, the truth behind it and the values output to children.
After laying this foundation, You will find that following the rules is just an effect , and the child starts to have a scale in his heart. The balanced weight of this scale can leave a certain amount of spare. If he knows that the truth is like this, he will not learn from the present, but when the child is older, he can make a judgment on his own, and it is okay to wander in this remnant.
Even if we are too young sometimes, we may not be able to grasp the surrounding situation. We will master this scale and grasp the elasticity of the scale. The logic and values we convey to him will remain in his mind and continue to play a role. When he grows up, he will also know how to handle various situations appropriately and uprightly.
The growth of a child is like growing from a sapling to a towering tree. Instead of constantly setting up fences and fences around him and constantly trimming his branches, I would rather be a beam of sunshine to accompany and guide. Children always grow towards the sun like trees, bathing in the sunshine and becoming beautiful and unique.
"Mom, I want this!"
Can't control the child? Gentle but not firm. No matter how much reason is, it will be useless.
is these three sentences.
destroys your chance to set rules for your children
Assistant editor: Gan Tian
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