fish balls
A steamy exploratory backpacker
18-year-old took a leave of absence from a key domestic university
Writing as a financial support for world travel
After dropping out, he worked as a volunteer at the "Pioneer" innovative education school
萱Caohua music: Zhai Ruoshan- Ergou Piano
"Click to play, turn down the volume, and travel with the fish balls in the music"
Painting: Lin Xi
In this day when most people are praising the greatness of mothers, I want to embrace the truest appearance of an ordinary mother. .
On Mother’s Day this year, I said Happy Holidays to my mother early in the morning. In the past two years, my relationship with my mother has gotten better and better. We can call each other directly when we miss each other, like best friends who talk about everything. It can be said that my mother is the only person who knows all my secrets so far.
But the relationship between me and her was so cold. I hated my mother. In the past few years, I felt very burdened every Mother's Day because I didn't want to prepare gifts or talk, but it seemed that I had no conscience. The reason is that she did a lot of things that hurt me at the time.
For example, he unjustly accused me of pouring bitter medicine and hit me with a clothes hanger; when I didn’t want to take the exam, he beat me on his knees and jumped off the building to force me; he ripped off my earphones when I was listening to MP3 and then scolded me; and he scolded me in front of my father. He said bad things about me and fanned the flames to get my father to beat me; he looked at me with disgust when he saw me gaining weight...
I was very repulsive to my mother in the past few years. I still remember that during the college entrance examination, my mother wanted to send me to the examination room, but I said coldly that I didn’t want her to. As long as daddy sends it.
Because when I am with my mother, my energy gets blocked and I feel depressed. In daily life, my mother's words always hide the idea of reforming me. There is another perfect girl living in her heart. As long as one of my behaviors is not consistent, she will find ways to correct me and change me, but she has never seen the reality at this moment. of me. There are many things I would rather keep in my heart than say to her.
When I was in college at the age of 18, I was diagnosed with moderate depression, anxiety and bulimia at Guangzhou Baiyun Psychological Hospital. My mother said that the first psychological consultation she had with me that day made her understand where her problem lies. The consultation process is like an operation. Little by little, we are guided to find the deepest tumor and clean up the pus inside little by little. She was awakened again and saw her delusion of wanting to reform me. And I also saw clearly the "poison" in this love, and learned to actively defend my boundaries.
My mother’s idea of reforming me was not given up directly by one consultation, but was put aside through hundreds of “tests”. Whenever she wants to reform me again, I reply to her: "Mom, you want to reform me again. This is my own business and I will be responsible. Please go back to your own business." She started She would deny it or argue that it was all for my own good. Sometimes we would still quarrel, but the difference from before was that she would reflect and communicate in the end.
In the conflicts with me again and again, she gradually found the boundaries, gave up the idea of reforming me, and focused more on herself. My mother and I are now more like comrades-in-arms. We face delusions that may arise at any time together, honestly perceive and give feedback, and help each other return to the present moment. Recognize what you can do and what you should not do and cannot do.
Now I don’t hate my mother. I thought it was because my mother has changed that I don’t hate her anymore. But in fact, even if she hasn't changed, she doesn't have to hate her.
In the past two years, I have received calls from hundreds of mothers. In communicating with them, I have gained a better understanding of mothers. In fact, mothers have already tried their best. We need to see the fact that not 100% of mothers are born to love their children. Real love is an ability that needs to be learned. If the mother herself has not experienced such emotions, she is required to give the same love to her children. It's very difficult. We have to admit that sometimes home hurts.
If you are a mother, you don’t have to be perfect or do everything right. You can’t help but be angry with your children, or you can’t love your children 100%. You just need to be honest, and you are a good enough mother. If you find that you have accidentally done something that hurts your child, you can tell your child: "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, this is the mother's own homework."
If you are a child who is suffering from the pain caused by your original family , I feel that I cannot say such a blessing on Mother's Day, and there is no need to say it. Love exists, it does not need to be denied or beautified. Maybe you wonder if if you do better, your mother will change? Actually no, this is not fact, it is delusion. A mother's change can only come from herself.
I still remember when I was a child, every Mother's Day, "Only mothers are good in the world. Children with mothers are like treasures, children without mothers are like grass." This song seems to me to be very anti-intellectual and even offensive. cruel.
First of all, there are many good people in the world, not just mothers. Moreover, mothers are also ordinary people. She does not need to bear such heavy expectations that they can only be "good". She does not need to be great. She should also be allowed to lose her temper and make mistakes and be understood.
Secondly, a mother’s child may not be like a treasure, because not all mothers have the ability to love their children. If there is indeed no emotional connection between us and our mother, but we have to try to ignore the fact and convince ourselves that there is love, it will only be a heavy burden.
In the end, a child without a mother is not a fool. It may be a pity not to have a mother, but it will not affect us from living the life we want to live, unless you really believe so. Whether we are treasures or not is not determined by the existence of our mother.
Each of us needs to be responsible for our own life, and we can only be responsible for our own life.
