Store Manager, I am a college student. I fell in love once in high school, and the process was not very pleasant. My discomfort was so intense that I felt inferior to my boyfriend. I had extremely low self-esteem every day. I wanted to cry at every turn and felt like such a waste.
When I have no feelings and don’t like anyone, I am super happy. When I got to college, there was a boy I was attracted to, but I really didn’t dare to confess my feelings to him, and I was afraid that I would miss him. Once we were together, I was afraid that we would separate, and make the same mistakes as the last time. Am I not suitable for intimate relationships? I really want to have a sweet relationship.
In close relationships, we are all more likely to feel low self-esteem. But instead of self-doubt, it is better for us to reflect on the relationship itself, or maybe our own self-esteem level needs to be adjusted, maybe there is another way out. So today, when we talk about this topic, we invited my friends who have three books. The first one is "Inferiority and Transcendence" , and then the other two books are our new friends, one is "The Power of Others" , and the other one is " Proper Self-Esteem" .
1 Inferiority complex prompts us to pursue superiority
Let's first take a look at the "inferiority complex" mentioned by this sugar pill. Adler wrote this in the book "Inferiority and Transcendence": When a person faces a problem that he cannot cope with, he will feel that he has no way to solve and face the problem, and the emotion that appears at this time is inferiority complex.
But no one can endure the feeling of inferiority for a long time. This feeling will definitely make people take some kind of action to stay away from it, or to solve it. Because I have been in a state of low self-esteem for a long time and feel very, very bad, then I must do something to make myself feel better. Therefore, the feeling of inferiority is often accompanied by a lot of efforts to strive for this sense of superiority, or to get rid of inferiority complex, but everyone's efforts may be in the right direction, or they may not be in the right direction.
There is an example in the book, that is, three children who came to the zoo for the first time stood in front of the lion. The first child hid behind his mother, and then trembled all over and said: I want to go home; the second child stood on the spot, his face was pale and his voice was trembling, but he still said: I am not afraid; the third child stared at the lion intently and asked his mother: Can I spit on it?
They are more or less afraid in front of the mighty lion, but their handling methods are very different. Faced with their inferiority complex, they took different approaches. The first child avoids fear and completely avoids it; the second child is afraid but faces his fear; and then the third child even behaves aggressively and rebelliously in this situation.
In fact, the same is true in love. We will become very gentle at first, confiding our feelings to our love partner and showing our innermost feelings. Such exposure can actually make us feel vulnerable and inferior. At this time, everyone's choices and coping methods are different. Because when we feel uncomfortable, we must do some compensatory behaviors, and then face and eliminate this inferiority complex. However, there is no right or wrong in these choices or coping methods. It is just that they are related to your goals. Everyone’s goals are different, so the methods they adopt are also different.
Then I would like to clarify that the goal and action of striving for superiority mentioned here may not be what our subjective consciousness wants, but a behavioral response we make unconsciously. Store Manager, I am a college student. I fell in love once in high school, and the process was not very pleasant. My discomfort was so intense that I felt inferior to my boyfriend. I had extremely low self-esteem every day. I wanted to cry at every turn and felt like such a waste. When I have no feelings and don’t like anyone, I am super happy. When I got to college, there was a boy I was attracted to, but I really didn’t dare to confess my feelings to him, and I was afraid that I would miss him. Once we were together, I was afraid that we would separate, and make the same mistakes as the last time. Am I not suitable for intimate relationships? I really want to have a sweet relationship. In close relationships, we are all more likely to feel low self-esteem. But instead of self-doubt, it is better for us to reflect on the relationship itself, or maybe our own self-esteem level needs to be adjusted, maybe there is another way out. So today, when we talk about this topic, we invited my friends who have three books. The first one is "Inferiority and Transcendence" , and then the other two books are our new friends, one is "The Power of Others" , and the other one is " Proper Self-Esteem" . 1 Inferiority complex prompts us to pursue superiority Let's first take a look at the "inferiority complex" mentioned by this sugar pill. Adler wrote this in the book "Inferiority and Transcendence": When a person faces a problem that he cannot cope with, he will feel that he has no way to solve and face the problem, and the emotion that appears at this time is inferiority complex. But no one can endure the feeling of inferiority for a long time. This feeling will definitely make people take some kind of action to stay away from it, or to solve it. Because I have been in a state of low self-esteem for a long time and feel very, very bad, then I must do something to make myself feel better. Therefore, the feeling of inferiority is often accompanied by a lot of efforts to strive for this sense of superiority, or to get rid of inferiority complex, but everyone's efforts may be in the right direction, or they may not be in the right direction. There is an example in the book, that is, three children who came to the zoo for the first time stood in front of the lion. The first child hid behind his mother, and then trembled all over and said: I want to go home; the second child stood on the spot, his face was pale and his voice was trembling, but he still said: I am not afraid; the third child stared at the lion intently and asked his mother: Can I spit on it? They are more or less afraid in front of the mighty lion, but their handling methods are very different. Faced with their inferiority complex, they took different approaches. The first child avoids fear and completely avoids it; the second child is afraid but faces his fear; and then the third child even behaves aggressively and rebelliously in this situation. In fact, the same is true in love. We will become very gentle at first, confiding our feelings to our love partner and showing our innermost feelings. Such exposure can actually make us feel vulnerable and inferior. At this time, everyone's choices and coping methods are different. Because when we feel uncomfortable, we must do some compensatory behaviors, and then face and eliminate this inferiority complex. However, there is no right or wrong in these choices or coping methods. It is just that they are related to your goals. Everyone’s goals are different, so the methods they adopt are also different. Then I would like to clarify that the goal and action of striving for superiority mentioned here may not be what our subjective consciousness wants, but a behavioral response we make unconsciously.Under such circumstances, I suggest that you reflect, think, and recall what you did specifically when you developed an inferiority complex in love, and what kind of goals you hope to achieve by doing so. This is a very, very important consideration. Like our sugar pill, maybe after experiencing the last relationship, he subconsciously wanted to eliminate this inferiority complex in love, and wanted to avoid this tension and eliminate this inferiority complex by avoiding it. If this is the case, then the goal set by this sugar pill may be that I want to avoid any situation that may make me feel inferior. As long as I am not in a relationship, I will not feel inferior and I will not have to experience this feeling. And in the real situation, it also provides evidence that when I don’t like anyone, I am really free and happy. Because in this case, you avoid intimate relationships, then you will be more determined that avoiding such intimate relationships is a way for you to solve your inferiority complex. The method does work. But the price it pays is too high sometimes when you think about it. Then if we want to change this situation, there are ways to change it, that is, we have to try to change our goal of pursuing superiority. From the past, we have to stay away from this inferiority complex and do not want to experience this inferiority complex. Maybe we can change it to: I want to try to get along with the inferiority complex, and finally realize that I can adapt to the inferiority complex, and I can be myself when this inferiority complex exists. After establishing this goal, we can choose different methods and make different changes to achieve this goal. 2 Is your relationship "toxic"? Another sentence in the submission caught my attention: "I feel inferior to my boyfriend, and I feel like a waste." I think in addition to the personal inferiority complex we discussed above, is it possible that there are also certain problems in the relationship itself. Because it can't be that there is a problem with this relationship just because you have a problem with yourself. Any relationship or relationship that has this kind of connection between you in a real sense will have a great impact on our thoughts and lives. In the book "The Power of Others" we just talked about, the author tells us that there are four levels of relationships between people: The first level is the isolation state Maybe we are with many people around us, even in the crowd, but you still feel that you are alone. The second level of bad connection This kind of relationship will make people feel uncomfortable or dissatisfied, causing you anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, etc., and the feeling of inferiority and inferiority. It sounds very similar to this sugar pill's situation, so we will focus on this level of relationship later. But there are two more levels that we will mention by the way. The third level of false good relationship is to try to keep all negative things out, a bit like pretending that you can't see the bad things, as if what I keep is the good parts. The fourth level of true connection is concerned about the other party. When speaking, he will be careful not to hurt the other party, and then the communication is direct and candid. There is not much that must be expressed in a subtle, tactful, and indirect way. Let’s discuss it in detail, which is the second level we just mentioned, which is very consistent with the state of the Tang Wan who submitted the article.This state may not only be felt in lovers, but also with friends, teachers, and classmates. But what do they have in common? They all make you feel uncomfortable, inferior to others, and even feel that you are defective, as if there is something wrong with you. When you have such a feeling, for example, your original relationship was actually very sweet and happy, but it will slowly begin to be disintegrated by this sense of inferiority, and then your attention will be biased. In fact, it is not particularly related to the relationship itself, but will be biased in the direction of your own inferiority complex. We no longer have the ability to pay attention to the interaction of the relationship itself, the sweetness of our love. Instead, we begin to defend, make up for it, be cautious, and divert or eliminate this feeling of inferiority. Even the other person no longer exists in your eyes. What kind of person he is, what he said, and what I felt may no longer exist. Because at this time, all your attention is: Oh, am I doing better, am I a qualified lover. At this time, it seems that the entire relationship has become a magnifying glass for your problems. Maybe the other person does not intend to lead us into this uncomfortable emotion. For example, he may not show off his success, but just talk about the recent changes in life in an understatement. However, because we have turned this relationship into a magnifying glass for our own problems, any problem he talks about seems to be related to our own shortcomings and weak points. Because when you, as a referee, have already judged yourself that you are not good enough, then you will look for evidence from various details in the relationship. The intention may not be to make you feel bad about yourself, but because you have already made a prejudgment, any details become evidence for you to testify. So what can we do in this situation? is also the author of this book. He mentioned: In your daily life, such as when you are walking with your lover, if you are not afraid to examine and face your heart, what will your relationship be like? In what direction will it develop? What kind of state will you be in? Many people don’t dare to think like this, but we just have to think like this: What will happen? At this time, we are trying to get along with our own inferiority complex and adapt to it. To achieve this goal, we will start to make some efforts. The first step in this effort, , is that when we are anxious, uneasy, and have low self-esteem, we can not run away, but feel what this bad emotion that we have been avoiding before means to you. Because when you start to think like this, you will know what the source of this situation is, because you will find: Oh, maybe it is not your problem. What you have done is good enough, but it was caused by the other party's long-term cold violence or deliberate belittling. At this time, you can analyze the problems in this relationship and help you make a decision. Because before you always thought it was your problem, but maybe it’s not your problem at all. You’ve done a good job, but it’s the other person’s problem. Didn’t we talk about the topic of self-boundaries before? How to stick to your own boundaries? Whose responsibility is it, who should be responsible themselves. He has to solve his problem. If he doesn't solve it after you communicate with him, he doesn't take it seriously, and he doesn't care, then this is actually the time for you to make a decision for this relationship. If the other person does it unintentionally, it means that he or she has not done anything to hurt you, attack you or belittle you. He may even be in your life and in this relationship, a role that tolerates and loves you.If that's the case, is it possible to have a sincere and candid communication with her? Maybe he is really looking forward to understanding your uneasiness and your heart, and then making your relationship more harmonious and better. It's just because when you used escape to face it before, the other person didn't have the opportunity to get into your heart. So after you express your thoughts, you leave the other person a chance to do something for your relationship. Maybe he will explain and clarify your previous misunderstandings. If you can have even one such communication, your relationship will develop from a bad connection state to the fourth real connection state we just mentioned, that is, Both people are truly involved in the relationship, and they are both working together to make the relationship better. This is the way we long for love, right? We have just analyzed how inferiority complex can be solved by changing the target, and then we reviewed the relationship between two people. It is not just a problem of one person, but requires the participation of two people. Next we have to talk about our self-esteem level. Because the reason why everything happened just now may be because our self-esteem level has not reached a level where we can deal with low self-esteem and see that there are actually problems other than you in the relationship. 3 Excessive self-esteem level What is an ideal state for an intimate relationship? That is, each other can truly gain a sense of joy and value from the other's success, instead of secretly competing and competing, and trying to suppress the other's self-esteem to give themselves a sense of accomplishment. This is definitely not the state of intimacy we want. But if the level of self-esteem fluctuates, and if it is not in a stable and balanced state, it is easy to have the situation we just mentioned, where the other person's success or your own success becomes a kind of competition, like an advantage, a kind of voice in the relationship. That's not what we want to see. So how to obtain a relatively stable and stable self-esteem level? I have recommended the book "Self-Esteem" to everyone many times before, and everyone likes it very much. Today we recommend another book about self-esteem, called "Appropriate Self-Esteem". I think the method of adjusting self-esteem in this book is simpler and clearer than that one. It gives three major aspects to adjust our self-esteem. The first aspect is adjusting from the relationship between ourselves and ourselves. We can: 1. Know yourself 2. Accept yourself 3. Be honest with yourself The second aspect is action . We can: 1. Just do it right 2. No more "self-attack" 3. Accept failure The last aspect is Our relationship with others From a practical point of view, we can Let’s try: 1, self-affirmation 2, empathy 3, relying on social support Just now we briefly talked about some method frameworks that we may get in this book, and the following specific practices, the book also gave some very good suggestions. Let’s take the first method in the first aspect of knowing yourself as an example. We often say that we need to know ourselves to know who we are, but how do we know ourselves? This book gives us some very good questions to think about.These questions can stimulate you and see things that you usually don't pay much attention to but are very important. Next, I will select a few questions for you, and then you can practice. The first question: Do you know what you like and what you don’t like? The second question: How do you tell others what you like and dislike? The third question: When others express opinions that are different from yours, how do you usually react? I believe that you can gain some sense of self-exploration from the answers you just gave, and you can ask more questions like this, including many other questions in this book. If you feel that what you have just done is not enough to explore yourself, you can buy this book and then analyze yourself from all aspects. The second aspect just now is from the perspective of action. There is a clause in that no longer attacks on its own. Let’s use this as an example as an exercise. That is, when a person is attacking himself, he feels that this is very reasonable and valid, because he has already assumed that he is not good enough, so he can attack himself unscrupulously. So what kind of practice can help you stop such an attack that is actually very unreasonable? That is, you have to ask some questions to challenge this behavior. The first challenge question: Is your idea of attacking yourself realistic? Is it really reasonable? Second question: Does this self-attacking thought make you feel better? The third question: How can your idea of attacking yourself help you deal with the problems and dilemmas you are encountering now? The fourth question: Can this idea of help you face and solve this problem better next time? I think these four questions are particularly good to ask. They can stimulate the very reasonable self-attack behaviors that we are accustomed to, but in fact there are many, many unreasonable things in them. If we can frequently challenge our own habits, we can re-establish our own self-esteem, instead of thinking that the self-attack method we are accustomed to is reasonable and what we really are. Let’s summarize today’s content. First of all, the first part, when you have an inferiority complex, don’t rush to get rid of it, because we have many, many ways to get along with the inferiority complex. Pick one that you feel is acceptable now, and then use it slowly, and finally form your own style . The second point is that when it comes to any relationship-related issues, never assume that this is your business alone. , this is your alone problem. There must be two people involved in it, which means that both people are responsible. Reflect on whether both of you have done something wrong in this relationship, and don't put the responsibility solely on yourself. The third point is that in fact, one of the foundations for dealing with anything in life is your own level of self-esteem. No matter what the problem is, as long as we can ensure that our self-esteem level does not fluctuate , in fact many things will not particularly bother you. You can always find a way to get along with it and then resolve the problem. As for the adjustment of self-esteem, I have talked about it in many videos before, and I also shared a book about self-esteem, which is very good. Many sugar pills have given me feedback that the methods in it are really very practical. Today, I recommend a book about self-esteem to everyone. You can understand it from a different perspective. I hope these recommended books and today’s content can help everyone think more about this issue. Inferiority is actually not a particularly terrible thing. Each of us may encounter this situation on some occasions. It's quite normal. It's not a monster. We must stay away from it. Learn to live with low self-esteem. In fact, many problems will not appear to attack you, nor will they be used and hurt by others. [Comfort Notes Psychological Store, a psychological convenience store with many practical methods and tools, welcome to visit. 】
public account with the same name: Comfort Notes Psychological Shop
Chapter Rabbit Hole Experience Free Psychological Tree Hole
Chapter Parallel World Participate in Psychological Ability Training
Chapter Tool Kit Get Free Psychological Self-help Tool Kit
When you have such a feeling, for example, your original relationship was actually very sweet and happy, but it will slowly begin to be disintegrated by this sense of inferiority, and then your attention will be biased. In fact, it is not particularly related to the relationship itself, but will be biased in the direction of your own inferiority complex.
We no longer have the ability to pay attention to the interaction of the relationship itself, the sweetness of our love. Instead, we begin to defend, make up for it, be cautious, and divert or eliminate this feeling of inferiority. Even the other person no longer exists in your eyes. What kind of person he is, what he said, and what I felt may no longer exist.
Because at this time, all your attention is: Oh, am I doing better, am I a qualified lover. At this time, it seems that the entire relationship has become a magnifying glass for your problems.
Maybe the other person does not intend to lead us into this uncomfortable emotion. For example, he may not show off his success, but just talk about the recent changes in life in an understatement. However, because we have turned this relationship into a magnifying glass for our own problems, any problem he talks about seems to be related to our own shortcomings and weak points.
Because when you, as a referee, have already judged yourself that you are not good enough, then you will look for evidence from various details in the relationship. The intention may not be to make you feel bad about yourself, but because you have already made a prejudgment, any details become evidence for you to testify. So what can we do in this situation?
is also the author of this book. He mentioned: In your daily life, such as when you are walking with your lover, if you are not afraid to examine and face your heart, what will your relationship be like? In what direction will it develop? What kind of state will you be in? Many people don’t dare to think like this, but we just have to think like this: What will happen?
At this time, we are trying to get along with our own inferiority complex and adapt to it. To achieve this goal, we will start to make some efforts. The first step in this effort, , is that when we are anxious, uneasy, and have low self-esteem, we can not run away, but feel what this bad emotion that we have been avoiding before means to you.
Because when you start to think like this, you will know what the source of this situation is, because you will find: Oh, maybe it is not your problem. What you have done is good enough, but it was caused by the other party's long-term cold violence or deliberate belittling. At this time, you can analyze the problems in this relationship and help you make a decision. Because before you always thought it was your problem, but maybe it’s not your problem at all. You’ve done a good job, but it’s the other person’s problem.
Didn’t we talk about the topic of self-boundaries before? How to stick to your own boundaries? Whose responsibility is it, who should be responsible themselves. He has to solve his problem. If he doesn't solve it after you communicate with him, he doesn't take it seriously, and he doesn't care, then this is actually the time for you to make a decision for this relationship.
If the other person does it unintentionally, it means that he or she has not done anything to hurt you, attack you or belittle you. He may even be in your life and in this relationship, a role that tolerates and loves you.If that's the case, is it possible to have a sincere and candid communication with her? Maybe he is really looking forward to understanding your uneasiness and your heart, and then making your relationship more harmonious and better. It's just because when you used escape to face it before, the other person didn't have the opportunity to get into your heart.
So after you express your thoughts, you leave the other person a chance to do something for your relationship. Maybe he will explain and clarify your previous misunderstandings. If you can have even one such communication, your relationship will develop from a bad connection state to the fourth real connection state we just mentioned, that is, Both people are truly involved in the relationship, and they are both working together to make the relationship better. This is the way we long for love, right?
We have just analyzed how inferiority complex can be solved by changing the target, and then we reviewed the relationship between two people. It is not just a problem of one person, but requires the participation of two people. Next we have to talk about our self-esteem level. Because the reason why everything happened just now may be because our self-esteem level has not reached a level where we can deal with low self-esteem and see that there are actually problems other than you in the relationship.
3 Excessive self-esteem level
What is an ideal state for an intimate relationship? That is, each other can truly gain a sense of joy and value from the other's success, instead of secretly competing and competing, and trying to suppress the other's self-esteem to give themselves a sense of accomplishment. This is definitely not the state of intimacy we want. But if the level of self-esteem fluctuates, and if it is not in a stable and balanced state, it is easy to have the situation we just mentioned, where the other person's success or your own success becomes a kind of competition, like an advantage, a kind of voice in the relationship. That's not what we want to see.
So how to obtain a relatively stable and stable self-esteem level? I have recommended the book "Self-Esteem" to everyone many times before, and everyone likes it very much. Today we recommend another book about self-esteem, called "Appropriate Self-Esteem". I think the method of adjusting self-esteem in this book is simpler and clearer than that one. It gives three major aspects to adjust our self-esteem.
The first aspect is adjusting from the relationship between ourselves and ourselves. We can:
1. Know yourself
2. Accept yourself
3. Be honest with yourself
The second aspect is action . We can:
1. Just do it right
2. No more "self-attack"
3. Accept failure
The last aspect is Our relationship with others From a practical point of view, we can Let’s try:
1, self-affirmation
2, empathy
3, relying on social support
Just now we briefly talked about some method frameworks that we may get in this book, and the following specific practices, the book also gave some very good suggestions. Let’s take the first method in the first aspect of knowing yourself as an example. We often say that we need to know ourselves to know who we are, but how do we know ourselves? This book gives us some very good questions to think about.These questions can stimulate you and see things that you usually don't pay much attention to but are very important.
Next, I will select a few questions for you, and then you can practice.
The first question: Do you know what you like and what you don’t like?
The second question: How do you tell others what you like and dislike?
The third question: When others express opinions that are different from yours, how do you usually react?
I believe that you can gain some sense of self-exploration from the answers you just gave, and you can ask more questions like this, including many other questions in this book. If you feel that what you have just done is not enough to explore yourself, you can buy this book and then analyze yourself from all aspects.
The second aspect just now is from the perspective of action. There is a clause in that no longer attacks on its own. Let’s use this as an example as an exercise. That is, when a person is attacking himself, he feels that this is very reasonable and valid, because he has already assumed that he is not good enough, so he can attack himself unscrupulously. So what kind of practice can help you stop such an attack that is actually very unreasonable? That is, you have to ask some questions to challenge this behavior.
The first challenge question:
Is your idea of attacking yourself realistic? Is it really reasonable?
Second question:
Does this self-attacking thought make you feel better?
The third question:
How can your idea of attacking yourself help you deal with the problems and dilemmas you are encountering now?
The fourth question: Can this idea of
help you face and solve this problem better next time?
I think these four questions are particularly good to ask. They can stimulate the very reasonable self-attack behaviors that we are accustomed to, but in fact there are many, many unreasonable things in them. If we can frequently challenge our own habits, we can re-establish our own self-esteem, instead of thinking that the self-attack method we are accustomed to is reasonable and what we really are.
Let’s summarize today’s content. First of all, the first part, when you have an inferiority complex, don’t rush to get rid of it, because we have many, many ways to get along with the inferiority complex. Pick one that you feel is acceptable now, and then use it slowly, and finally form your own style .
The second point is that when it comes to any relationship-related issues, never assume that this is your business alone. , this is your alone problem. There must be two people involved in it, which means that both people are responsible. Reflect on whether both of you have done something wrong in this relationship, and don't put the responsibility solely on yourself.
The third point is that in fact, one of the foundations for dealing with anything in life is your own level of self-esteem. No matter what the problem is, as long as we can ensure that our self-esteem level does not fluctuate , in fact many things will not particularly bother you. You can always find a way to get along with it and then resolve the problem. As for the adjustment of self-esteem, I have talked about it in many videos before, and I also shared a book about self-esteem, which is very good. Many sugar pills have given me feedback that the methods in it are really very practical. Today, I recommend a book about self-esteem to everyone. You can understand it from a different perspective.
I hope these recommended books and today’s content can help everyone think more about this issue. Inferiority is actually not a particularly terrible thing. Each of us may encounter this situation on some occasions. It's quite normal. It's not a monster. We must stay away from it. Learn to live with low self-esteem. In fact, many problems will not appear to attack you, nor will they be used and hurt by others.
[Comfort Notes Psychological Store, a psychological convenience store with many practical methods and tools, welcome to visit. 】
public account with the same name: Comfort Notes Psychological Shop
Chapter Rabbit Hole Experience Free Psychological Tree Hole
Chapter Parallel World Participate in Psychological Ability Training
Chapter Tool Kit Get Free Psychological Self-help Tool Kit
