envy those people who have a calm and calm personality, have a relatively stable evaluation of themselves, and have clear and consistent views on things. They will not change easily with the fluctuations of the outside world, and they rarely have inner contradictions, conflicts and chaos.
And because my sense of self-worth and self-evaluation are often unstable, I am still struggling with inner conflicts and contradictions in my thirties.
In order to solve this problem, I read a lot of psychology-related books and materials over a period of time.
including "Psychoanalysis", "Psychology of Self and Object Relations" , "Reconstruction of the Self", "Development Psychology", "Inferiority and Transcendence", "The Road Less Traveled", "The Courage to Be Disliked" , etc.
and obtained a certificate in psychological counseling. After nearly a year of reflection and practice - personality testing, self-observation, social interaction, work, etc., I finally found the answer.
The answer is The personality of each of us is both complete and divided.
Inner conflict itself is not a big deal.
Human personality and inner conflict are innate. It does not come from the conflicts and struggles of different parts of the personality, but just because we do not use the correct method to "coordinate and organize" the different parts of the personality.
At least from a psychological analysis point of view, everyone has a lot of confusion and contradictions in their heart and personality. Most inner and personality conflicts do not actually rise to the level that they need to be specifically resolved.
Just like when we see words like "personality integration", actually associates with the direction of integration, which is to merge two completely opposite parts into one.
In fact, this is impossible. It is like a top student and a bad student are attached to your body at the same time. How can you study hard and indulge at the same time?
So, In order to integrate inner and personality conflicts, it is necessary to give up the idea of integration.
It’s like you, as a student, have to coordinate and organize the two discordant concepts of self-discipline and lack of self-discipline so that the two of them will not fight among themselves and be able to "just give orders" to you, instead of immediately jumping out of the referee's seat to give advice when facing the conflict between the two in your heart.
either tries to kill both contestants, or helps one of them kill the other.
This is obviously unrealistic, because once a person wants to urgently quell a conflict, he will most likely have to act irrationally and rely on instinct.
What happens when people rely on instinct? Obviously: they will choose one of the two rather "roughly".
means to decide on one of the two options as soon as possible, or to quickly clean up these two ideas and let them disappear together.
But countless historical experiences tell us that this is of course impossible to achieve.
The "white bear effect" tells us: the more you try to "not" think about something, the more obvious that thought will become in your cognition.
So the methods you adopt in panic are actually useless.
For example, you are currently in a relationship with a very rich and handsome boy. This guy looks better than Pan An, but he is romantic and passionate.
Then you begin to face inner or personality conflicts, and the little theater in your mind begins a see-saw debate.
A voice emphasized: Wow! If you let such a handsome and rich little brother run away, it will be difficult for you to meet him again in your life! What are you thinking of? Of course you want to chase him!
Another voice replied: You know nothing, being handsome is useless! Go out and mess around every day, if you still have some dignity, kick her ass!
Faced with these two uncertain choices, no matter how you analyze the pros and cons, there will be countless reasons to pull you back. If you want the two conflicts to disappear, then unless you don't think about it in the first place.
But if you ask me, I am now faced with a time-pressed choice, what should I do if I have to choose one? If such a question arises, it means that you have not understood two common senses of life:
The first one: The state of "uncertainty" is a normal part of life. It is not special or pathological, but is completely normal.
Article 2: "Some things just have no solution. No solution is the answer. Don't expect that you can settle and control everything in your life. This is an unrealistic and wrong fantasy.
Maybe you want to ask again, when facing inner or personality conflicts, besides not having an answer and accepting uncertainty, are there any other solutions?
Yes, the answer is to wait and stretch.
until these ideas and conflicts disappear in your mind.
Why do you say that?
Because our psychology has a characteristic, that is: all thoughts and desires Hope and belief, if you face it, will disappear before long.
For example, no matter how strong your addiction to smoking or sex is, if you face this desire, you will feel that this desire will slowly fade away.
However, if you do not face and accept your thoughts and desires, but feel fear and anxiety about your thoughts and desperately want to make this thought disappear, this will instead make this thought continue to persist. As before The white bear effect in Chinese.
Another way is to stretch yourself and let others be strong.
If you just sit there, don't speak, don't express your stance, and act like you're indifferent, it won't matter to you. Soon your opponent will have self-doubt due to a guilty conscience.
Don’t think that the above statement is exaggerated or nonsensical.
You need to know: People’s “self-nature” (the self) is like a company, both complete and divided. How you manage a company is how you manage your own personality by the same principle.
Just like , all thoughts and conflicts are essentially paper tigers. As long as you don't rush to respond to him, wait and stretch, it will be revealed soon.
Many people do not understand this logic, so they are always used to attacking themselves or others as soon as they find a conflict. They will not settle the dispute until the opponent is eliminated. But afterwards I often regretted my recklessness and forthrightness.
This kind of behavior caused them to never discover: "Human psychological activities are nothing more than the process of thinking. If we can calm down many thoughts, we can achieve the goal of not being able to bear the burden of the inner world and the external environment."
So the only solution to many conflicts and personality integration is to accept you as you are.
There is no need to fight with yourself to accept you, just wait a little longer, and the mind and heart will be reconciled.
Although I have tried my best to explain it in detail, there are still many people who do not believe that inner conflicts will disappear as long as they wait.
This is also normal, because most people have not been "desensitized" to personality conflicts, so it is normal for them to pay too much attention to them.
Accepting yourself means that when any part or fragment of your personality appears, give it a space to appear, and just let it relax and fully appear.
"Wait a minute" is to provide such a space for personality fragments. But just because you allow it to exist and provide it with space to express itself does not mean that you have to agree with this idea, nor does it mean that this idea is true.
The essence of self-control is the ability to accept but not agree with one's own thoughts. Then "wait a moment" and give these conflicts a space to be released and manifested. Wait for them to reach their peak and then fall naturally.
The second step is to remain aware of all conflicts and thoughts in your heart, and accept its existence, but you do not necessarily have to agree with it.
Finally, observe your thoughts, but always remember what this article reminds you: "All ideas are just ideas. It does not mean that they are real, nor does it mean that they will definitely happen."
If you observe carefully, you will find that some things can actually be analyzed clearly and the pros and cons can be weighed. Then, of course, you have to choose a more advantageous approach.
If the opposite thoughts are still clamoring at this time, you just need to continue to be aware of them: I hear you, but I will not do what you say. Then there is no need to deliberately ignore those thoughts.
This is the same reason why some people can use it after hearing it, and some people have no use at all after hearing it. In fact, is about whether all parts of your personality are in a state of being willing to accept your instructions.
If the two conflicts are in a stalemate, no matter what instructions you give, it will be useless. But if you wait until the two conflicts are exhausted, or after they have passed their peak and begun to decline, then you can speak again, and they will be willing to listen.
Of course, the personality fragment that has fallen back is powerless. Even if it wants to oppose you, it no longer has the energy.
It's like your subordinates are quarreling. You let them quarrel, and you don't care if they quarrel all the time. When these two people are tired of arguing, tired of arguing, and have nothing to say, they will come and beg you to make the decision.
At this time, you took the initiative and said calmly: "In my opinion, there is currently insufficient information to make a conclusion on this matter, so we don't need to worry about it anymore.
After I have finished speaking, who is in favor and who is against?
At this time, of course no one dares to object.
But if there is any part of your personality that dares to object, then just wait a little longer until they disappear in your mind. Only then will your rationality surpass your instincts and it will be easier to make relatively correct decisions.
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