Editor's note: Jianmu , born in , Dongshan Riverside Farmer, graduated from the Department of Chinese at National Taiwan University. A person who writes prose claims to be a "shockless prose lover". He believes that his writing personality is mixed with the calmness of a hunter and the restlessness of a hunter. He has been walking on the prose marathon in his own way for more than 30 years. He has traveled a long distance and is alone. He still feels like an apprentice, and his learning turns the smoke and dust into the dew of his thoughts. His creations are diverse and varied, with themes ranging from local, family affection, women, education, love, to urban and rural variation, social observation, family and country history, birth, old age, sickness and death, and are in their own style.
jianmu
Two things happened when I graduated from college, one was a car accident and the other was a car accident.
In late spring, two motorcycles collided, and my brother was seriously injured and almost died; in early autumn, a taxi and truck collided, and my mother was seriously injured and almost died. That year, the joy of graduation was like a candy stain on candy paper that was not enough to lick. I was in the double attack of seeking a job and the desire to write. The places I lingered most often were not bookstores, taverns or coffee shops that talked about literature and art, but hospitals, police stations and places to negotiate claims. This year was also the year when I was treated as a wear-resistant and durable rookie in an advertising company and was so tired that I couldn't raise my head to look at the moon. In early winter, I was in a state of extreme fatigue and fatigue, and I felt a sense of fighting determination to be an enemy of (destiny?) with which I wanted to uproot my family.
seems to be a decision in anger on the surface, but in fact, it has a rational deduction. We are growing up, and our studies and employment are all developing northward. My mother and mother are getting older and getting worse. Sooner or later, problems will arise. Instead of facing them in the future, it is better to decide now. Secondly, the two car accidents seriously aroused their inner fear, especially grandma. During the long day, she was alone in the house, and she did not see her grandson day and night without knowing the news, which was a great torture. Third, based on realistic considerations, living together can save money. Isn’t it nice to have someone cook and do laundry (the third point is obviously the most important thing)!
My aunt happened to buy a house in Neihu. If she could stay nearby, she would take care of each other, and secondly, she would leave home to work hard at the age of fourteen. It would be a good thing to have the opportunity to reconcile friendship with her aunt in decades. This is really a ride-hailing ride. I looked at the house near my aunt's house. In order to save money, I rented it on the side of the highway. I could count the traffic on the highway through the window. It was not only very noisy, but there was no need to turn on the lights indoors at night. The night running lights were like a flashlight of a secret policeman who flashed across the face of the sleeping prisoner on the bed. Due to the extremely poor conditions, the owner showed a guilty expression and charged a cheap rent. He only told me not to break the screen (but we still broke it).
号 and mother resisted moving north, and old neighbors and relatives had different opinions. They had their own basic principles when moving and not moving. I said "I have a mouth and said no saliva" and said, "If my dad is here, I will agree." This made it work. They asked the divine divination ancestors for guidance, and got the three holy divination divination blocks in a row, and the situation was heading north. I said, "You might as well move in here and try living there for half a year. If you are not used to it, you can go back at any time. You can also come and go on both sides on weekdays, but no one tied your feet."
decided to move and rent the house. My mother and my mother couldn't sleep for half a month. They packed each other while wiping their tears and blowing their noses. In front of and behind the house, they were nostalgic everywhere, and poultry and wild birds chirped and kept them all the time. Even the wind blew the swaying bamboo branches and the mud stepping into the field, they were like countless hands holding their clothes and circling their feet. Memory is too heavy and too vivid. How can one house and nine rooms be uprooted?
I went to work and took care of the rental office. I had no time to go back to my hometown to help organize it, and only reminded them to take the opportunity to get rid of the old and the new ones. On the auspicious day of the housewarming, they sincerely bid farewell to the gods and ancestors, indicating that they are temporarily renting them, so it is not convenient to invite the gods to accompany them. When they buy a house and have their own new house, they will definitely welcome them grandly. The truck set off in the morning and arrived in Taipei near noon. It stopped at the door of the rental office. The mother and mother didn't know how to operate the doorbell and shouted my name.I leaned out from the window on the second floor and almost fainted. The farming equipment and bamboo trays for making cakes were exposed in the loaded home. My mother's old antique dowry sewing machine and a bundle of drying bamboo poles. All the household debris I sincerely told me to abandon appeared in front of me. The two of them even joined forces to argue that they had lost so many hats and pairs of slippers that they really "collect debts" (waste). It is useless to say more. The missing corners, bowls, long and short chopsticks, and pots are all based on the position of the company. Among them, the old small clay stove also came. I suddenly remembered when my father was there. Before the fire was surrounded by New Year's Eve, he personally burned charcoal, put it in the small clay stove, fanned out the red charcoal fire, and placed it under the dining table. While eating the New Year's Eve dinner, the whole family stretched their feet and snuggled up to the warm fire. This scene suddenly flashed on the day of moving north, causing me to feel sad and my nose was slightly sore. But then I thought about it, maybe this was a message sent by my dad from afar, a sign of reunion!
A cloth bag of white rice, red dumplings, and a sacrifice. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law worship the Sunday and the foundation master is equivalent to moving the household registration to the household registration authority of the Heavenly Court. Fortunately, they brought all the old things to relieve the feeling of root pulling up. That night, there was no trouble of not sleeping when they recognized the bed. Perhaps it was too tired. The three generations of grandparents and grandchildren all snored smoother than those on the expressway.
The seventy-year-old grandma showed amazing vitality. She is a person who is unwilling to spend time complaining about the past and picking on the present. Her labor inertia quickly integrated into urban life, remembering the relevant locations of the streets, markets, buses and homes, memorizing phone numbers, and learning to operate various home appliances. Her space ability is super strong enough to make up for the shortcomings of illiteracy. Soon, she was able to take a bus across the bridge to buy vegetables at the big market. She took the train back to the old house to worship Qingguo and worship the gods. When she was young, she scolded us: "If you look around, you must know the shadow." This means that you must grasp the situation by taking a glance, and do not rely on others to point out everything and say it clearly. That is fool. Sure enough, she set an example and blinked a few times, and a community map was built into her mind.
Grandma likes to live among us. The grandchildren are at work and school. Those who wear uniforms should wash uniforms frequently, and those who bring bentoes should remember which one to use. She is very busy and her life is pushing her around and forgetting her old injuries.
Years, she came out of the house of Wu Gu and looked up and saw a house on the third floor of the next building with red paper. She couldn't read and asked me to go and see it. It was a word "sale". It was so close to Wu Gu's house. We happily looked at the house, and the price was small, and the transaction was completed. Grandma was very proud that she "looked" at such a good side room. She couldn't believe that our eyes were always stuck in clams and didn't see them.
This is the clearest time she saw before her vision changes.
th that decade should be the happiest period for her. Her grandchildren were married and the fourth generation was born. When she became an ancestor, she could still carry some housework with her "Shanzai Sun" (great-grandson). Gu took her out for a few times. She saw the straight wings from the plane window and asked Gu, "How dare it be the iron branch road (railway)?" There were often dinners at home, and there were nearly twenty people in the room. My mother had a big meal, and it was as exciting as a whole banquet for Manchu and Han, and the dishes were so rich that they opened the tables of adults and small tables.
She was the happiest during the Chinese New Year. After the New Year’s Eve dinner, it is time for red envelopes. My family is a custom that there is a pack of one size and one can be noisy. Each person sends more than a dozen packs and receives the same red envelopes. Even the children use copper coins to make up the numbers, and the loss is not inferior to the formation. Grandma has a good harvest, so she needs to secretly announce that her grandson will act as a temporary accountant, close the door to handle the account, and count the roll title to find out the size of the red envelope.
red envelopes are followed by "gambling", the dining table is cleared, the sea bowls and dice appear, everyone has sufficient gambling money, it is time for strong soldiers to fight, so please invite grandma and mother to take their place, a brother fight and sister fight is about to begin. At this time, someone shouted, "How much do you plan to lose?" The person asked put down a stack of 100 yuan bills and replied, "Come and get it if you have the ability!" The challenger looked down on him and took out a thousand yuan bill to show his power. Everyone was very excited when they saw the big people fighting, and all of them stimulated, clamored, and made fun of them, forcing the conservatives to use their troops, took out their bags, and took out all the thousand yuan bills.
Someone asked grandma: "How much do you want to lose?" She had already collected the red envelopes and held a few hundred yuan in her hand. After losing, she gave up and kept her money cautiously.In my memory, Grandma never asked us for money. She and my mother were both shy and uncomfortable people who would get money from their children. Her material desire is equal to zero, and she has already been satisfied with her three meals of food and clothing. She never cared about clothing and jewelry. Most of the homely clothes were made by my mother on a sewing machine for her or bought by her aunt. The household consumption is extremely cost-effective. Even if we give her the New Year red envelope or small pockets, she will be considerate of our hard work in starting a family and making money and refund most of it. When buying things for her on weekdays, she will be subject to "collection of debts". "Making money is a disciple, saving money is a teacher" encourages us that we have a lot of salary, and saving money is a master. If you talk too much about encouragement, the listener will be despicable. Every time she shops for her, she will ask her how much it costs, and we will automatically discount it. "Fifty yuan" is the most commonly used number. The red envelopes for the New Year were recognized and willing to receive them, so we took this opportunity to give them all, and the best time was on the card table.
The dice war started, and grandma's gambling was aroused, and she shouted like us, "Ten-eight" and "Fan-eight"! We play real, with her, and play fake. Every time she bet 100, someone immediately counted: "Grandma, I have it and have it! Make a hundred!" The boss immediately compensated her. In fact, the dice in the bowl was still turning and the last number was ugly. She was quite proud that she had good luck. Her grandson beside her was sweet and filled with some ecstasy and acted in improvisation. She never found that her grandsons had joined forces with a group of gamblers to gamble for her for 10 or 20 years with excellent tacit understanding. A cunning person encouraged her: "Ma, take a little more, five hundred!" She hesitated, afraid it would be a pity to lose. The cunning person said: "Don't be shocked, just bet it!" The banker secretly hated her heart, and said, "Remember it for me!" My mother laughed at the sight of her, and said to expose the truth. Kong Wu's powerful man covered her mouth to avoid ruining the overall situation. Seeing grandma muttering and nervous, we all laughed secretly. Finally, she counted five bets and threw them out. The dealer automatically gave five hundred yuan to her. The dedicated actors played in unison: "I have it! I have it!"
We performed a grandma's show together to make grandma's heart happy. A big bet made a lot of money, which often made her happy for half a year. My mother often said, "You grandma is valuable (worthy), and I will be filial to my son, and you grandchildren are also filial to me!" In fact, the most filial one is her. If my grandma does not have this daughter-in-law who eats and sleeps with her and loves mother and daughter, her old age may be another situation.
Grandma is a person with great self-esteem and self-reliance. She and my mother are both pillars. They are pillars, which means that we rely on them for a long time to surpass them rely on us, so it is easy to ignore their physical and mental changes. Grandma has always been healthy and never takes medicine. She has never even paid for a can of health food. She is an extremely patient person and never calls people this and that pain. If she has a minor illness, "It's good to get sleepy", and it will be fine. Looking back now, we are negligent about her physical aging process. Without the experience and medical knowledge of the elderly, we ignore that she is such a strong and independent person who silently digests the discomfort caused by physical aging. We are unwilling to occupy our time to take her to seek medical treatment. When she spoke out, "Wu Nai is also foggy?" After examination, the cornea ulcer is irreversible.
In those years, my mother, my aunt and my sister took her to seek medical treatment and gods. She went all over the world and was helpless.
About eighty years old, his eyesight has disappeared. She said, "Oh, my father cried too much, so that he could be Qingming (blind)!" It seemed that most of her stayed in the world to accompany us, and her eyes retired early to find her heart.
Even so, she didn't complain too much. Relying on the outline of light and shadow, I groped to wash rice, cook rice, collect and fold clothes, and never let myself become an old man who is idle and complaining and asking for service. She couldn't see the clock face, and Limei bought the Gugu clock to let her know the time. We set the phone to speed dial to make marks so that she can communicate. Pouring eye drops becomes a big event in one day. If you fold a piece of paper and then fold it over, you will not waste it. Later, I bought a small cloth bag, filled with ointment, potion, and facial paper, and hung it on her chest, looking like a kindergarten child’s outfit.
Grandma's life habit is that after eating, she takes the dishes and chopsticks to the kitchen to wash them. She teaches us this way and sets an example. Now that we are weak, rice crumbs fall on the table and the ground. When we get up, we still have to fumble and get it in the kitchen. We often step on it and sticky. We just need to keep it there. She can't correct it and will not stop until she is completely blind. These details of life are not big events, but they happen every day and form a test. Fortunately, grandma lives with us, and she is always a way of fighting and joking. There is no need to hear unpleasant comments due to old age and illness. Sometimes, only blood relatives can tolerate physical changes that are inevitable and not suitable for remarkable in the process of aging. Since childhood, my grandma has never disliked us by shit and urine. Now, my mother has returned to us to repay her.
Due to keen self-esteem and image considerations, grandma no longer eats with us at the same table. Since I can't persuade her, I will follow her wishes and let her be at ease. She sat alone on the sofa, quietly looking at the front where she couldn't see clearly, and listening to us making noises and making noises on the dining table. Occasionally, she would name her great-grandson little by little and ask, "Have you gone to have a meal?" We would always broadcast her live so that she could imagine the picture in comparison with the sound. Only after we finished eating would she be willing to take the old seat and asked one by one: "Are you full?" It seemed that she could eat with confidence that we were all full. Sometimes, if she thought she asked again and again, she would simply lift her clothes and hold her hand to touch her belly: "Look, I'm so full!" She also found it funny and did not ask anymore. My mother helped her prepare a large bowl full of food. She took the bowl and slowly cut the food, and she had a very good appetite. The person who had not yet left the table and was drinking wine described the dishes for her, peeled shrimps and put them in her bowl, and invited her, "Ma, do you want to drink?" She must have refused, "Oh, tsk, I dare not!" But she likes to ask if there are any dishes with wine, and is the soup cold? My mother always stir-fry a dish and reheat the soup. Grandma likes to drink soup, and it sounds like she gets the joy of raising a glass to drink together.
Grandma gradually lost the fun of walking by herself, and someone must accompany her when she goes out. Fortunately, my aunt was next door and took her there to chat and chat, which was quite relieving her boredom. Yuancheng returned to his hometown with my mother, lived in my second aunt's house, and gathered with his old neighbor and house. After charging for a few days, I always have endless plots to talk about when I return to Taipei. Grandma never listens to the radio or watches TV. When she returns home, she becomes material, and performs a rural drama in her mind to relieve her boredom.
As vision declines, we realize that we must get along with her from her perspective, not from our own habits. The decorations and locations of objects at home should not be changed at will, so as not to get lost in her home by exploring space memory and touching. Helping her walk must be more detailed than satellite navigation. Otherwise, she will not dare to take steps because of fear, for example: "Ma, walk straight, no car or person, it doesn't matter if you strode. Wait, there is a flower pot in front, flash a little to the left, okay, keep walking, there are two steps after five steps, okay, the road is flat now, it's almost here!"
One day, on a rainy morning, I led my grandma downstairs, holding an umbrella while dictating the road conditions, and walking towards the car diagonally opposite the gate. It is only a dozen steps away for ordinary people, but it is a slow journey for her. Just as I was carefully helping her forward, a car that was impatient to wait and honked us three times. I was extremely angry and realized that one of my feet had crossed the boundaries of reason. I wanted to rush over and pat the car window and scold him in the old dialect of my grandma: "You don't see the old man, do you? Will you die after a while?" But I rationally (or cowardly) restrained my emotions because I could not throw my grandma in the middle of the road to get wet in the rain. When we got into the car, our anger was somehow connected to the pain deep in our hearts. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of never before: My grandma was looked down upon all her life, my grandma was looked down upon all her life, and I never protected them!
Where is their justice? In us who grew up safely, or in the words I can’t bear to break the ground?
Grandma's self-reliance and self-reliance personality is also reflected in her persistence in taking care of everything. She relied on groping in the glimmer of light and drew a map of her life in her own way: washing, bathing, washing her hair, washing her wardrobe, dressing, and going to the toilet in the middle of the night, and doing it slowly by herself like a snail.She never complained that her grandchildren did not help her, she never thought that others should serve her, focus on her, and obey her orders. She silently practiced a kind of calm and lonely beauty of the old man, which was natural. Originally, I thought all the elderly were like this. Later, I heard it many times and realized that she was as determined and dedicated her life to her grandchildren. When she was old, she was like a shy bird. She did not shout for illness, did not ask for material things, or interfered with her busy life, but sat on her single sofa in a calm posture, as if she was sitting in a nest. She was still concerned about her grandchildren and great-grandchildren, not herself. There were not many respectable and cute elderly people like her! It was not until something went wrong with my own eyes that I could fully understand that my grandma endured the eye disease for so many years in a silent way because her love and care for us had long surpassed her own body.
It was about the time when she was 88 years old, and we returned to Wuyuan and lived in the second aunt's house. After dinner, I saw the cool breeze outside, and the early moon rose, and asked my grandma, "Would you please take you back to the old house?" She immediately said yes, and I asked, "Are you moving around? If you don't move halfway, I will let you kill (abandon) there!" She deliberately laughed angry and said, "You let me kill you, I don't know how loudly (screaming)?"
I helped her walk slowly, describing her to her who renovated the building, how many cars were parked, what kind of crops were planted on the roadside, how strong the loofah trellis was, how small the guava fruits must be astringent, where the dog barking comes from, and the name of the fragrance of flowers. What she kept in her mind was the old map, and this was the new direction after the road was re-drawn. I had to describe the relevant locations of the bamboo circumference, houses and small river more accurately, so that she could finally say the name of the family and judge how far away it was from our old house. I left my hometown too early, and I remembered the old pictures, but I had forgotten most of them. After she mentioned it, my faded map was clear. I made her eyes, marking rivers, rice fields, houses, telephone poles and stars and moons in the sky, she described stories, marking characters, plots, and time, and guided me.
Halfway through the journey, the old house appeared. The crescent moon hangs above the uninhabited bamboo bamboo, and the black melts into the black. Looking from my eyes, the dark outline, either thick or light, looks like a page of an old picture book, like a broken heart turning into a quiet memory, like a past life that was seen through the rain, like the most suitable home for a strong man named Azhang, a young man named A Tian, a child named Aqing, and a baby named Alu to continue living.
"Ma, I saw the old house, in front of my head (front)."
She stopped, gasped slightly, and wanted to sit down, but she had nowhere to sit. It's a pity that I was too small to carry her back. I pinched her feet and asked, "Ma, can you turn around?" She said yes, and sighed, "There is no use for you, I can't walk!"
She can never go back to the old house again, and the world has brought darkness to her.
This article is excerpted from "I and Life's Secret Talk", written by Jian Mom, CITIC Publishing Group May 2019 edition
