1. I met my first love at the class reunion. She took the initiative to say hello to me: "How old is the child?" I said: "I am not married!" First love looked sad: "Are you still waiting for me? Don't be stupid, I won't let you get mine." I sneered and ignored it. The class monitor came over and said, "Old classmate, can you repay the 3 million you borrowed last time next month?" I said yes. Seeing this, First Love couldn't help but approach me and whispered, "It's still time for you to pursue me now!" I moved to the side, "I won't let you get mine either." After First Love left, the class monitor came over and held my hand and said, "Old classmate, I'm so good! I'll give you face!" I quickly pulled my hand away. This fat man had a crush on me for ten years and refused to change his mind!
2. Yesterday I wore a mask to buy vegetables and asked the boss: "How do you sell crabs?" The boss: "89 yuan per pound." I said, "It's too expensive, don't." The boss pointed to the side: "That crab just died, I'll give you 28 yuan." I asked, "How did it die?" The boss glanced at me: "If you think it's expensive, no one would buy it, I'm so angry." I turned to my wife and said, "Look! It's not worth it when you get angry." My wife: "With your mother here, do you think I can get a penny?"
3. The husband accidentally discovered that his wife's nails had grown and wanted to trim her. The wife refused and said, "The nails are of great use, and cannot be cut!" The husband said, "What's the use? It's just a stinky beauty!" The wife said, "You haven't gone to the kitchen, of course I don't know - I raise my nails to protect my fingers - Sometimes when I'm in a hurry, I can easily cut my fingers when I cut vegetables. Now! It's just cutting off my nails."
4. When I was still young, I raised a donkey at home. Once, my father invited a veterinarian to shovel the hoofs for my donkey , and the veterinarian said to my father, "Press the donkey's legs, don't let it move!" But my father turned his head and said to me, "I'm urgent to urinate and go to the toilet! Go and help the veterinarian." So I walked forward and pressed the donkey's hind legs, and then the veterinarian shoveled down, probably shoveling the meat. The donkey screamed and kicked me away in an instant! At that time, I was lying on the ground and crying loudly. At this time, my father rushed over and said to the veterinarian, "I knew you were not very skilled! Fortunately, I didn't hold the donkey's legs just now!" Then I cried even more sadly.
5. When I walked to the street today, I found someone with a famous brand on his back. Being poisoned by the running brother, I rushed over with a steadily, and my hand was in an eagle claw shape, and I immediately locked the brand off. Haha, this person’s name is so strange, his surname is Jiao. Let’s not talk about it for now, the police have recorded their confessions.
6. The rich second-generation guy is a scumbag. He turned aside some time ago after marrying the female anchor who had been chasing him for a long time. Today, my buddy came home from get off work and saw a large table of hearty meals when I entered. He asked the female anchor, "What good day is this so popular today?" The female anchor replied, "Your ex-girlfriend is here!" The friend was moved and tears: "Wife, you are such a gentle and virtuous woman, you are so good to my ex-girlfriend!" The female anchor said lightly: "Yes, she said, if I don't leave you, she will not live! I think! This person must have a good meal before he dies!"
7. My husband first came to the door when he first started working, and my mother stewed a chicken. According to the custom, I put the chicken claws in a bowl and told him: "Eating chicken claws means scratching upwards!" Unexpectedly, this 1+1 guy said to my mother, "Auntie, you should give me the chicken thighs! I work hard to raise upwards, I think it's faster than scratching!" Later, my parents agreed to this marriage, because this kid not only reacted quickly, but also had a thick skin and did not suffer any loss!
8. The word "克" was used by many girls when I was in junior high school. In the era of typing and chatting, "Do you like me?" "Do you love me?" and so on... Looking back now, I was really too young at that time!
9. The manager's father suffered from terminal illness and unfortunately passed away some time ago. Many colleagues in our department went there, and I happened to catch a cold at that time. Then he kept running and his eyes were red because the scene was serious, so he could only hold it back and then he endured it until he was crying.Today, the manager suddenly called me to the office: "Last time I went to my house, you were the only one who was the true nature and cried the most sincerely. Today, another elder left. You can go with me later. Then you can let go and cry loudly!" Me: "..."
10. My wife got married, and when she came back from the wedding, she brought me a bag of Zhonghua. Unfortunately, she was only one cigarette left. My wife said I have many friends and advised me to keep the empty cigarette box, so I can use it when my friends get together! I lit that cigarette and thought about using three or five-year boxes of cigarettes to pretend to be Chinese . I have to admire my wife for having many tricks. Unexpectedly, she grabbed my hair and tortured me, asking me where I came from and where my private money was hidden... In the end, I lost 2,800 yuan because of a cigarette. It was so difficult for me!
11. The young couple had been married for three days, and the wife complained to her husband: Your mother is too anxious! He said every day that she wanted to hold her grandson earlier. The husband said, "Mom is a little anxious, but Dad never says much." The wife pouted and said, "Dad didn't say anything, but he held the book " Sun Tzu's Art of War " all day long and shook it in front of me!"
12. My sister-in-law is pregnant, and I am very happy. Today, my sister-in-law sent me a message saying that she wanted to eat cherries and asked me to buy some for her to give. I immediately drove to the cherry orchard in the mountains to pick fresh cherries. At the door of the cherry orchard, I saw a man in his fifties and sixties squatting at the door crying. I went over and asked, "Uncle, what's wrong with you? Who bullies you?" The old man said, "I broke the bowl at home, but they didn't let me eat!" I heard the fire and got up: "What! There is such a teenage girl!" When I wanted to continue talking, a grandfather in his nineties suddenly came out from the corner. The old man pointed at the old man beside me and said, "You little bastard, come home quickly, don't squat there to embarrass you!"
13. My wife died of dysfunction when she gave birth to a son. The mother-in-law saw that the child was not pitiful to her mother, so she asked the matchmaker to introduce me to her partner. We met in a very restaurant, , and the girl looks quite pleasing to the eye. After dinner, the matchmaker asked us, "How do you two feel?" The girl lowered her head shyly, and I said, "It feels good. In the future, I will eat braised pork ." The girl said, "Yes!" She obviously saw the matchmaker's face twitching...
14. My brother-in-law bought a second-hand Tesla . After driving it for 2 years, she spent 200,000 yuan to replace a set of batteries. As a result, the battery was not working for less than half a year. My brother-in-law was particularly angry and went to the repair shop where he replaced his battery. He asked the boss: "When I bought the battery, you said that this battery could be used for my car to be scrapped, but it will not be used in less than half a year. What's going on?" The boss of the car repair shop apologized and said: "I'm so sorry. I thought your car would have to be finished in less than six months."
15. My brother-in-law thought the salary was too low and planned to switch jobs to work in a new company. Last night he asked me to drink and asked me if I should change jobs. I said, "Brother, I think you are so talented. No matter where you go, someone will welcome you." My brother-in-law: "Haha, I was a lie when I heard it. You are lying to me!!" I said, "How did I lie to you!!" My brother-in-law: "I'm not popular at all. I was beaten by someone when I went to the women's bathroom today."
16. I bought a Xiaomi 10proicon and my phone broke after using it for a week. But there was nothing big wrong with it, it was always restarted, so I had to take it to the mobile phone store for repair. The boss told me, "You can put it on the counter! It costs 260 yuan, and you will get it after 2 hours. After paying the money, I arrived at the store 2 hours later. The boss stared at me and asked me, "What mobile phone? Who saw your cell phone? Want to blackmail? "I thought that I had fallen into a black shop. The hero didn't suffer any loss in front of me. He quickly apologized and turned around and left.When I left the door, I reacted, it seemed that it was not this store!
17. Today I went to the hospital for treatment. A female patient, who is in her 50s, insisted on going to the line, and said she was very anxious! I took a curious look and it turned out that I was using too much force during the shower, so the soap slid in... Then the doctor asked her to stand with her legs apart against the corner of the wall, and the soap slammed the woman's lower abdomen with one punch. The soap came out in an instant, and she laughed to death. Diaopai's soap.
18. Last night, my friend invited me to KTV and everyone called me a girl. The one sitting next to me was pretty, and she touched my hands and played with it, singing a few songs together. At the end, her face pressed against my face and said, "It's not easy to make some money. Don't come in such places in the future. Look at the calluses on your hands, save some money for your sister-in-law and children!"
19. Every morning, I have to call my husband five or six times before he gets up. I was very angry. This morning I prepared the meal early and finished it lightly. Close the door gently and go to work. When I got home at noon, I saw my husband sitting there with an unhappy look on his face. I asked provocatively, "You got off work very early today!" My husband said angrily, "I just got up!" I couldn't help laughing out loud.
20. In the past, I rented a house for someone else and was with my beautiful girlfriend. I hugged her and sighed, "Other people's girlfriends are 100 pounds, why are you 120 pounds?" My girlfriend said, "Add the amount by 20%, the price is not increased, and you are still good at getting the cheaper!" My girlfriend looked at me and said, "Other people's boyfriend is 1.8 meters tall, my boyfriend is 1.6 meters tall, my boyfriend is short, I have lost a lot!"
21. "Dad, why are the road repaired over and over again?" The child asked with a child's face. The father smiled and said, "Son, do you really want to know?" The child nodded, his eyes full of desire. "You go to the refrigerator to get a piece of pork, and then get the meat."
The child didn't know why his father asked him to do this, but he did as well. "Move back." "Take it over again." After several times, the child was a little tired. "Son, look at your hands." The child looked at his chubby little hand carefully and said, "Dad, there is oil and water."
22. In ancient times, a soldier was shot with an arrow on his shoulder during training, and then he went to ask the doctor to treat him. The doctor looked at the wound and smiled and said, "This disease is simple." As he said that, he took a small saw and saw the part of the arrow exposed, and then asked the soldiers for medical expenses and wanted to say goodbye.
The local soldier was speechless and said anxiously: "Doctor, don't leave first! There is an arrow left on my shoulder!"
Doctor replied: "This is the internal medicine business. Go and find another internal medicine doctor!"
23. A and B discussed making wine together. A said to B, "You produce rice, I produce water." B said: "If I produce rice, how to settle the score in the end? A said: "I will never take advantage of you. When the wine is brewed, I will only return the water to me, and the rest belongs to you. "
24. My wife was on a business trip today, and my parents went to buy vegetables early in the morning. Before I woke up, my sister-in-law pushed open my door, sat by my bed and looked at me silently, and reached out to touch my nose. I knew she was urging me to send her to kindergarten!
25. The famous economist Ma Guangyuan said: When the economy is good, you don’t make money. If the economy is bad, you want to make money. I advise you not to make things so difficult for yourself. As long as you are poor, the economic crisis has no impact on you, and the shrinking of assets will not affect you, because you are not rich at first.
26. How to hurt a person three times in one sentence? "You are not married yet, so you must have saved a lot of money! ”
27. A classmate did a math problem in order to prove that the money was depreciating, but the teacher cried. The question is:
Proof: 1 yuan = 1 point
Solution: 1 yuan = 100 points
=10 points × 10 points
=1 corner ×1 junction
=0.1 yuan × 0.1 yuan
=0.01 yuan
=1 point
proof is completed. The math teacher cried. Because there is no flaw. The money is gone in a mess.
28. A farmer drove a donkey cart to the city to go to the market and met a gangster at the market.
gangster said: "Hello!"
Farmer replied: "Hello!"
gangster continued: "I said to your donkey! "He laughed after saying that.Suddenly the farmer turned around and slapped the donkey and said, "Your livestock, when will you have relatives in the city, don't tell me in advance."
29. Last night, we attended a class reunion and everyone had a very happy meal. One of them was drunk, so the male classmates discussed calling her husband to pick her up. After a while, her husband came in the car. A male classmate walked over and asked drunkenly, "How do you prove that you are her husband? His husband thought for a while and said, "My wife has an mole on her butt." Several male students present nodded drunkly and said, "That's right, there is a mole. You are her husband, take it back quickly!
30. My girlfriend came to my house for the first time yesterday. She accidentally sprinkled some broth on her clothes while eating. So I washed her, but I didn't do it all day, so my girlfriend had to stay at my house at night.
The next day, after my girlfriend left, my mother said to me, "Actually, I sprinkled the broth on her on purpose. The clothes were dried after washing for an hour, because I sprinkled water every half an hour, so I didn't let it dry."
I was shocked and couldn't help but sigh that maternal love is so great!
31. Almost all the children in the neighbors' houses got married, and my mother was so anxious that she nagged me every day. That day I was resting at home. After dinner, I took me to marriage agency and paid 500 yuan for agency fee. A staff member came over to greet us and asked, "What do you want? What are the requirements?" I thought about it and said, "You must be beautiful, have a good figure, have a gentle personality, know how to cook, and be able to make money..."
was talking with great enthusiasm, but suddenly my mother slapped her in the head.
My mother smiled and said to the staff: "Don't listen to him nonsense, there are no requirements. Just be a woman..."
32. A female colleague bought a piece of clothing worth 1,000 yuan. I doubt it's a bit expensive. She said, "Price? Let me tell you, the original price of this dress is 2,000 yuan, and after 50% off, half of the price is equivalent to I earning 1,000 yuan. Although I spent 1,000 yuan, I earned 1,000 yuan at the same time, so this dress is equivalent to free and free. Do you understand?"
I was shocked by her economics mind and didn't answer for a long time...
33. In order to express my feelings, a friend of mine tattooed his girlfriend's avatar on his heart. Unexpectedly, they broke up not long after. After breaking up, I was at a loss when I looked at the tattoo on my chest. Fortunately, the tattoo shop owner had a trick and changed the photo of his ex-girlfriend to a cute dog. Not long after, he had a new girlfriend. When his girlfriend saw that he had a dog tattoo, she asked him to replace the dog's position in his mind! Change the dog's photo to hers!
34. The two guys and his wife had a dog when they were together, and they had been with them for five or six years. The dog was accidentally lost some time ago and couldn't find it anywhere. In order to comfort his wife, he raised another dog, and yesterday his family ran back again. The family was very happy and kept two dogs together, but today the dog could not be found. My buddy thought that the dog might have seen another dog be adopted at home and ran away sadly. The dog was back this afternoon, followed by a big belly stray dog.
35. When I went on a blind date in the evening, the girl chose a high-end Western restaurant. She had a good chat, but after a while, she came three times of friends. If you said that if they were all beautiful women, I wouldn't say it anymore. The key is that there are men. The man was unconscious and ordered more than 1,000 red wine when he sat down. My budget for a blind date meal was only 800 yuan. This is nothing. The most annoying thing is that after the man came, the girl who was on the blind date kept chatting with him and completely neglected me. The beautiful waiter next to them suddenly greeted them and asked them if they wanted to have some special dishes and red wine, and they said they would go there. I looked at the menu and it was at least over ten thousand. If the waiter wasn't a beauty, I really wanted to hit her. But she smiled and said, "Brother, let them talk, let's go!" Only then did I realize that I had blamed the good guy by mistake. I'm leaving. When they checked out later, it would be very exciting. The most amazing thing is that I established a romantic relationship with the waiter. She had sufficient reasons, saying that she was shameful and honest people were bullied. Therefore, honest people will be blessed.
36. My brother is a very addicted person. He usually has to smoke two or three packs if he has nothing to do. Last night, when my brother came home from get off work, he was sitting on the sofa playing with his phone, he accidentally saw a video about smoking. The video talks about the harm of smoking, and finds many cases of lung cancer caused by smoking, saying that those who often smoke even have black lungs! The brother was frightened at that time and quickly ran to the bathroom to smoke a cigarette!
37. Yesterday afternoon, I went to my mother-in-law's house to help her make dumplings. Suddenly, my mother-in-law's cell phone shook and I glanced at it. It was my wife who sent it. I clicked on and checked: "Mom, my husband and I are eating outside tonight, so I won't go back." Then my phone rang again, and it was also the WeChat message sent by my wife: "Go to accompany my best friend tonight, and I won't go back!" I deleted the WeChat message sent by my wife from my mother-in-law's mobile phone. Then I replied on WeChat on my phone: "I have deleted the WeChat you sent on your mother's phone. I'm making dumplings for your mother now!" Wife: "I'll be there in a while!"
38. I borrowed two million to buy a bag for my girlfriend. Today, I told my girlfriend to break up on Double Eleven.
My girlfriend cried and made a fuss and asked me if there was a woman outside, if I thought she had become fat and ugly, the cooking was not delicious, etc.
I said helplessly: "It's the holiday, it's a bit of a festive atmosphere."
So I paid a loan of two million by myself next.
39. My best friend is very beautiful and has a very irritable temper. After getting married, my best friend's temper has not been reduced by half. After the fight between her best friend and her husband, they beat her husband up to a very bad end. During that party, I advised my best friend: "Resist the temper. If such a good husband is beaten away, it will be too late to cry." The next day, her husband ran directly to my company to find me and said to me with horror, "Go and persuade my servant! If you have any opinions, she would apologize after the quarrel last night. I was so scared that I didn't dare to eat at home, for fear of being poisoned to death by her."
40. Drinking ice black tea in a bar, a girl wearing a tight skirt came over. The strange girl said, "Handsome guy, can you invite me to have a drink?" I rang the service bell: "The waiter brings a bottle of the most expensive white wine here, don't open it." The girl was very happy. Ten minutes later, the girl couldn't help it and asked, "Why don't you open it!" I smiled and said, "I don't drink. If I really want to drink, I will go crazy and hold on to the things and bite it. Do you want to open it?"
41. While the female boss was on a business trip, I specially brought the best female colleague in the company to the restaurant where we usually eat. Usually, I sign a contract, so I am not scruples when ordering. When checking out, the waiter said 3999, the female colleague was shocked. I smiled faintly and said to the waiter, "Sign the order!" The waiter looked at me and said, "You need a lady!" The female colleague was stunned for a moment, and she was about to write after taking the order. The waiter said, "Not you!" I hurriedly said, "You forgot, I often come!" The waiter thought for a while and said, "I call for instructions!" I originally thought that she asked the restaurant manager, but the phone call was called directly to the female boss. A few minutes later, the waiter said that I could sign the order. I secretly breathed a sigh of relief. She had gained a lot of face in front of the female colleague. At night, she wanted to go home with me, but I always felt something was wrong, so I refused. The next day, when the female boss came back from a business trip, the first thing she did was to punish me to kneel on the keyboard, but the 20 yuan pocket money a day was not deducted. She sneered: "Luckily you didn't go home with her!"
42. The power suddenly broke down at home, and she kissed her wife while she was in a dark state. As a result, the mother-in-law whispered: "Oh! Annoying, don't make a fuss..." I was stunned, why did you kiss the wrong person? I wanted to confirm if I had kissed the wrong person, so I touched my girlfriend's butt... My mother-in-law said quietly again: "Why are you so annoying?" I thought to myself: "I'm done, I really kissed the wrong person!" I was so embarrassed that I really wanted to find a crack in the ground to get in! But he obviously kissed his girlfriend! I thought I was worried about it! Anyway, I have kissed and touched.Before leaving, I asked my girlfriend, "Did I kiss you just now?" My girlfriend said, "Yes, what's wrong?" I quickly said, "It's okay!" I feel relieved now! You probably touched your butt right!
43. When studying at Harbin University , I had a particularly good relationship with my roommates. I have been in touch for many years after graduation, and we have had a dinner together last night. There is a sister who was very fat when she was in school, but she lost a lot this time. I asked her, "Sister, what made you determined to lose weight?" She replied, "That time on the bus, the bus was unstable, and an old lady was about to fall down. In an emergency, the old lady grabbed a piece of meat on my body and stabilized!"
44. The young man asked the Zen master, "Master, can you see life with a smile?" The Zen master suddenly slapped the young man to the ground and handed him a cold medicine. After eating, the young man realized, "Master, are you saying that I am still weak in the cultivation of chicken soup. Should I use chicken soup to improve myself at any time in life?" The Zen master shook his head and said, "You took the wrong medicine!"
45. I met my first love girlfriend on the street, with my seven-year-old daughter. When I saw me, I asked, "Are you still single?" I scratched my head awkwardly: "Don't worry, don't hurry!" In order to relieve the embarrassment, I said, "Cough~ Cough~ Your daughter is so beautiful! It looks like you!" She quickly blocked the child behind her: "Don't think of hitting my daughter!"
46. My wife went back to her parents' home and made me very happy. She took out the beer, and the cigarette she hid was blatantly put on computer desk ! I made some peanuts, hummed a small song, and prepared to play a few games. It was a bit light to eat peanuts, so I went to the pantry to get a green onion! As soon as I entered the house, my wife was sitting on the sofa with a smirk. Now I am still kneeling and reflecting!
47. Finally, I can go out for fun. On May Day, I proposed a self-driving trip. My father disagreed. He said, "There are people everywhere on May Day. Do you go see their butts?" I said, "Is there no place with few people?" My father smiled humorously and said, "Yes! There are few people in the school!"
48. I spent 12,000 yuan to buy a particularly high-end electric car. Today I rode my beloved car to buy groceries, and when I came back, I passed by the corner of an alley. I was afraid that someone would be there, so I honked the horn and said "drip". Then there was a "drip" sound, and I planned to let him pass first. After waiting for a while, no one came out? Then, I slowly rode forward, poked my head out beside the wall, and the elder brother also poked his head out, and we looked at each other.
49. My brother had a crush on a beautiful woman. Yesterday, he finally mustered up the courage to confess his love. Brother: "I am the son of the owner of a nearby pork head meat processing factory. My family has tens of millions of assets. I found that we are very friendly and be my girlfriend! I will let you live a life of food and clothing without worries. Can you believe me?" Beauty: "I only believe in the first six words you said! "Brother: "..."
50. That Sunday, I was fine at home, so I carefully made a pot of buns. After the buns were prepared, I tasted very good. When I couldn't help but eat 3 consecutive times, I found that my husband, who was sitting next to me, had just eaten one. When I was about to eat the fourth bun, my husband stopped me and said, "Wife, don't eat it anymore!" I said to him with some displeasure, "What's wrong, do you think I've eaten too much?" My husband replied angrily, "Wife, I don't think you eat too much, but I think you eat too fast!"
51. A girl lives downstairs, who lost two bicycles in a row in a week. So angry, she bought another bicycle worth 3,000 yuan and placed it downstairs. Then she held a brick in her hand and squatted in the grass opposite. In this way, after a night, the expensive bicycle was still stuck in place, but the girl squatting in the grass never appeared again since that day!
52. A male colleague in the company just came to the company and fell in love with a beautiful female colleague in the company. He chased her for more than half a year and refused to agree. When I went out for dinner yesterday, the girl was so hot that she went to the bathroom and didn't bring her cell phone in. The phone just happened to ring, and it was her father who called it. The guy answered the phone and said, "Dad..." When the girl came back, she saw her snatching her phone and ran outside to answer the phone.More than ten minutes later, the girl came back and said, "You won, my dad asked me to take you home in two days."
53. Just now, my ex-boyfriend transferred 520 yuan to me, and I was stunned and sent him a few question marks. He replied, "Actually, I have never forgotten you. I want to be with you again but I don't know how to speak. Forgive my cowardice... If you want, accept the 520 and send me another 520. It means that we can go back to the past." After seeing it, I burst into tears. I accepted his 520 and sent it out again immediately! Suddenly he sent a series of shameful expressions and said, "My girlfriend and her ex-girlfriend sent the wrong person. They thought you wouldn't give me back, which scared me to death!"
54. My nephew's academic performance was relatively good. He scored another 100 points in this final exam, so his sister-in-law signed him up for a math class in the Olympiad. My little nephew didn’t want to go, but my sister-in-law comforted him: Olympic ! It is to teach table tennis, swimming and so on. When my little nephew heard this, he felt very happy, so he wore swimming trunks and took his swimming ring the next day. Later, I was laughed at by my classmates for a whole year.
55. Working in Futukang, I finally off work this weekend, and my wife and I went out shopping. We were not very hungry until noon, so we ordered a basket of buns. The buns tasted pretty good, my wife ate 3 in a row. When my wife was about to pick up the fourth bun, I held her hand. Seeing that she was unhappy, I hurriedly said, "Wife, I don't think you eat too much, but I think you eat too fast!"
56. A friend of mine opened a fish pond. If someone came to fish, he would collect 100 yuan and fish at will. One day, a man who often came to fish suddenly said, "Boss, don't raise grass carp , you should raise tilapia in the future!" My friend was puzzled: "Is there any other specialty to raise what fish?" The man smiled silly and said, "There are many thorns in the grass carp, and my wife can't get used to it!"
57. My brother-in-law worked in an electronics factory and found a girlfriend. That time, the two of them were drinking coffee on Starbucks . After going out, my brother-in-law said to my girlfriend, "Dear, do you want to go and see the stars with me?" My girlfriend said, "It's cloudy now, how can there be stars?" My brother-in-law said, "Believe me, I know a place where I can lie down and watch comfortably!" An hour later, the two were lying on the floor of the home, counting the glittering stars posted on the ceiling of the ceiling together.
58. The man felt weaker and weaker recently and was very uncomfortable. After examination, he was diagnosed with early lung cancer. The doctor told the man, "You must smoke less every day, it is best to smoke once after dinner." Two months later, the man went to the hospital for a review and found that his physical condition was worse than before. The doctor asked in confusion: "Why are you so serious?" The man said bitterly, "I did what you said." The doctor was puzzled: "Then why do you look more serious?" The man, "You asked me to smoke a cigarette after dinner. Now I eat more than a dozen meals a day, and I can't stand it anymore!"
59. In order to get into my ideal university, I repeated the school in middle school for three years. After school last night, I walked through the back door of the school. As soon as I walked to the back door, I suddenly heard a sentence: "I want to take the Oxford exam!" I was particularly moved at the time. I didn't expect that there were such aspiring young people in our school, so I decided to see who they were. Then, I suddenly heard another sentence: "Two more big waists!"
60. In order to successfully marry the goddess home, I secretly bought a second-hand Maserati with my dad's credit card. Today I drove to my hometown in Goddess Countryside, but the rear wheel got stuck in the drainage ditch. There was no one nearby, and I suddenly thought of a video. Someone encountered the same thing. He ordered ten takeouts, ten young men came and carried them out, and then invited the young men to have some takeout. I also plan to try it, and then I and the delivery guy gathered around ten takeouts while discussing which part was wrong!
61. The man dated a goddess who had been in love with for a long time. The waiter said, "What are you going to order?"
The goddess said, "I can't drink. After drinking, I felt hot all over. I couldn't help but think, let's have two glasses of juice!"
The man was happy. While the goddess was going to the bathroom, he asked the waiter to change the juice to red wine.
The next day, the goddess came to the bed with flowers and said to the man with bandages all over her body: "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but want to hit someone after drinking. I'm so sorry, you'll recover."
62. Me: "Why didn't your mother come to sell vegetables?" The child: "Mom is sick, I'll come today!" I bought some vegetables, and the child quickly weighed and handed them to me: "Ten yuan, three cents, three cents, and three cents!" I made me hesitate for a long time with the 50 cents!
63. The two started dating. The girl was a little inferior and wanted to go for plastic surgery. The two came to a plastic surgery hospital. After seeing this, the nurse smiled and said to the doctor: "I'm busy now. Two big orders are here! You guys are ready!"
64. Teacher: "Don't talk anymore. Who can imitate the screams of animals?" The deskmate: "Don't talk anymore!" Teacher: "Stand out!"
65. Everyone sat there and started chatting. , asked, "How to describe a person's black hair?" My colleague didn't think anything and said, "When crossing the zebra crossing, it appears, disappears, appears, disappears."
66. Wife: "The New Year's party is no longer good now, why do you still have to watch it?" I didn't answer, looked at my wife, and my wife: "What do you think I'm doing?" I said, "Some things are the same as you. Although they are not good-looking, they have become a habit!"
67. My deskmate: "I really angry just now. If The director doesn't take back what he said to me just now, then I'll drop out of school! "Me: "What did the director tell you?" The deskmate: "He asked me to drop out of school!"
68. He was about to go to the scenic spot to see it. He stopped a taxi on the side of the road. After half an hour, we were still stuck there. After a few rounds, the driver pointed to a place a few meters away and said, "Look, it's where you got on the bus just now."
69. Wife: "Do you still like me in your heart now?" Husband: "Of course." Yes! "Wife: "I said that because you are afraid of hurting me?" Husband: "No, no, I said that because I am afraid of hurting me!"
70. Friend: "What kind of person do you want to meet in your future life?" Me: "When I said 'I'm fine,' that person could hug me tightly and say, 'I know you are not good', and then take out a stack of bills and and stuff them into my arms!"
71. Recently, a female colleague had a fight with me.
My online name was changed to "Emperor", and she changed to "Empress Dowager".
I changed it to "Wing Zheng", and she changed it to "Zhao Ji".
I changed to "Guangxu", she changed to " Cixi ".
I changed to "Xuantong", she changed to " Longyu "...
is always one generation older than me. Today I thought about something unique, and decided to change it to "Sun Wukong". Let's see how she changed it?
I just had a meal, and when I logged in, I found that she changed it to "stone crack".
I have no tricks anymore.
72. My buddy went on a blind date. The woman said, "Do you have a car or a house?" My buddy replied, "You have the face of Korea, do you have the technology of Neon Country ?" Then she left the girl and left!
73. My mother stewed mung bean soup at home and gave me 10 yuan to buy some candy at the convenience store. Happiness came so suddenly that it was simply incredible. When I returned home with a large bag of candy and still holding a piece in my mouth, my mother saw the big bag in my hand and asked me if I was tired. I said of course I was tired. My mother said, "Then let's take a break and get enough energy. I'm afraid I'll beat you to death later!"
74. My wife was on a business trip, and the father and son were in a hurry. Her husband and son were unwilling to cook, so she had to go to the hotel in anger.儿子对服务生说：“ 给那角落的老头上好酒好菜， 我买单！” 服务生不解： “为何？” 儿子说：“我和他儿媳相好！ ”服务生看老头吃的欢， 便问： “他和你儿媳妇好你不揍他？ ”老头笑了： “他和我儿媳好才几年？ 我跟他妈好三十年了！”
75、如果头发咋梳都不好看的时候，是该剪发了；可是如果你头发怎么剪都不好看的时候，是脸有问题！
76. Friend: "What's going on? I keep crying?" Xiaofang: "Those stinky boys laughed at me as carrot legs."Friends: "Don't pay attention to them. Listen to their nonsense, how can radishes be so black! ”
77. In the hospital ward, Aunt Wang from bed 1, who was asked Aunt Li from bed 2, "You are hospitalized here, why don't you see your children coming to see you? "
Aunt Li: "My daughter is too busy with work, so I didn't tell her. "Aunt Wang: "Although I have no children, my goddaughter will come to see me later. "Goddaughter? "I met when I bought health products. I was so filial to me. Look, she is here..." At this time, a young woman came in at the door and looked at Aunt Li in surprise: "Mom! "
78. I am a construction company. Every time I do the design, the boss always changes it again and again. Yesterday, the girl at the front desk gave me a suggestion, and she said that she should not let others have too much time to pick on you. It is best to show the boss what I have finished half an hour before getting off work. Do what she said... Then I was left to work overtime until the early morning!
79. Xiao Ming: "Dad, our house is too small! "Dad said: "The house prices are too expensive now, and Dad doesn't have that much money. "He said again: "So you have to study hard and make money to buy a big house in the future! "Xiao Ming: "Then why didn't you study hard when you were a child?
80. I just had a wedding with my wife and went to an uninhabited island. Three months later, I returned home with my pregnant wife. My brother asked me, "Why choose an island to spend my honeymoon?" My lips trembled and said, "I just want to have a child of my own!"
81. The leader said at the table: "Now I have three glasses of wine, the first glass, whoever doesn't drink it, will I be my father!" Everyone was uproared, and cheers! The leader said, "No. 1, 2016." Two cups, whoever doesn’t drink it will be my father! "Everyone hurriedly toast! The leader continued, "The third cup, whoever doesn’t drink it will call the person who has finished drinking it." Everyone drinks it with tears in their eyes!
82. Nowadays, this society is getting better and better. Apple has indeed done things that other companies cannot do: "That is to queue up when buying, and when repairing, hum! You have to queue up too. I am still in line now!"
83. How shameful was I when I was studying? One day, I stolen my head teacher's cell phone, saved my phone number and noted his goddess' name, and then sent a text message to him and said, "I promise to be with you!" Then the head teacher went to his goddess to confess his love. Finally, when he came back, there was a slap on his face! Then I was in a tragedy!
84. Girlfriend: "What are you doing?" I: "I'm talking to Jian Lin and Yunyun!" My girlfriend "talk!" I: "I'm on Wanda and buying things on Taobao!"
85. Brother: "I'm here to a new unit, I've met Bole!" I: "Have you promoted you?" Brother: "No!" I: "Why?" Brother: "That Bole said that I've been looking for horses for so many years, and this is the first time I've met a donkey and sneaked in!"
86. At a banquet, a singer and a painter met. The singer said, "You are a villain, I am a gentleman." The painter asked angrily, "Why do you say that?" The singer said, "You use your hands to draw, I use my mouth to sing, but a gentleman doesn't move!" The painter suddenly had a black look on his face!
87. In the restaurant, two friends had dinner together. A: "How is your salary?" B: "We are all in the annual salary system." A: "Then your salary is good!" B: "You don't know anything! Every time we ask for a salary, the boss said that when the funds arrive, they will pay together at the lowest level. I haven't seen the money yet!"
88. Last night, our roommate took a shower and went back to the dormitory. He took off his vest and looked at it. He was confused. He said with a clarity: "There were three holes yesterday, but why did they become two today?" Finally, I replied casually on the upper bunk, "It's very simple. One of them was merged after bankruptcy. I don't understand this truth!"
89. A couple walked on the street, and my husband said, "Wife, who is the woman in this advertisement?" My wife: "Why are you so poor in your memory? I have told you so many times!" My husband: "Is that true? Please tell me again."Wife: "Let me listen to it, I'll say it for the last time-I don't know! Don't ask me again next time! "
90. The students in our school are all in the CET-4 exam, and I kept copying the answers of my classmates next to me. After I handed over the paper, the student glared at me coldly and said, "What do you think of me? What I did was B volume. Our two test papers are not the same! "
91. I want to see gorillas. I went to the zoo to see gorillas. You are here. I politely told you what I was going to do, but you turned against each other and shouted, "Didn't you see me right in front of you? You actually have to go to the zoo to see it. "It makes sense to say it well!
92. Mom: "You are disobedient, mom doesn't want you anymore, what should you do? "Son: "Let you be subject to legal sanctions! ”
93. I was queuing up to get tickets, but suddenly an uncle behind me said, “What’s the use of studying? College students have to work for me after they come out. "After I finished picking up the ticket, I changed the language of the ticket pickup machine to English!
94. A colleague worked with me in sales before, and later changed careers to become a chef. Don't say that his skills are really good, and the boss and the boss's wife like him very much. It is said that before the boss met, both of them opened restaurants and the shops were connected together. Later, because they took care of each other, they were together, and the hotels became one. But recently they were having a divorce. That day, the couple called their colleagues in front of them and asked him seriously: "Who do you want to be with after we divorce? "Who with...
95. In the mall, a boy was grabbing a baby for his girlfriend. After only 10 pounds, he easily caught 5 different babies. Passers-by were envious of this and came to ask him for advice. The boy held the baby and showed off to his girlfriend proudly, "Let me see I am awesome?" His girlfriend swung his mouth and said, "Tell me honestly! Talking about how many girlfriends have developed this skill!"
96. One day, a young man on the bus refused to give up his seat. The aunt standing next to him said angrily: "For a young man like you, I really want to slap him. "
The young man said calmly: "Auntie, everyone is mutual. When you want to slap me to death, why don't I want to kick you to death! "
The carriage became quiet in an instant.
97. The boss was on a business trip and asked an employee to help him feed the fish. After a few days, he called the leader: "Hey, leader, your fish is so beautiful! What kind of variety is it and where did you buy it? "
Boss: "Don't say that is useless, how many of them are dead? "
98. A girl said to me when taking a photo, "Some girls nowadays have good faces and some have good figures, but I am not jealous. Do you know why? "
" Because you have a good mentality? "
result, she and she complained to me!
99. Please note that recently, a person selling human organs is hidden among the vendors selling fruits. He sells fruits openly, but secretly sells human organs. Just now, when I was about to try the 23rd lychee next to a fruit stall, the boss suddenly asked me: "Do you want shame? "I didn't dare to ask for it, it's so scary!
100. Once my buddy came to me to borrow money, and that's what I said. My buddy: "Brother, just borrow some money! Pay the salary next month. "Me: "How much do you borrow?" My buddy: "If you don't have much, just borrow 200 yuan. "Me: "Not enough! I'm only one hundred and seven, why don't you lend me thirty and I'll make up an integer to give it to you?" My buddy: "No. "Me: "Haha, you don't even lend me thirty, why do I want to lend you 200?" ”
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