The full text is about 7000 words, and it takes 15 minutes to read. If you find it too difficult to read, you can check out the content overview in my WeChat headlines.
This article is only for ordinary single young men working in first-tier cities. The purpose of this article is to explore the feasibility of single young men working in first-tier cities looking for marriage partners in surrounding counties.
The definition of an ordinary single male: a proletarian single man who is 28-38 years old, with an average education, work, appearance, family background, and lacks competitiveness in the marriage and love market in the first-tier cities.
My ultimate ideal
I have an experience working in the county town. Now I think about it is a wonderful life that is closest to my ultimate ideal in life.
In the summer of 2014, I was sent by the company to work in a small county town in Henan. The company promised to have two family leaves a year, and there were winter and summer vacations, and the boss also promised to give me a raise. I always think I am a very ordinary person, from childhood to adulthood. The family is average, the education is average, the appearance is average, the ability is average... I have worked for several years and my salary is only a fraction of that of my colleagues. This is a rare opportunity. Yes, I was so naive back then, and I believe that all changes will have a happy ending.
In July, I left the house and carried a suitcase and set off. I really missed my youthfulness. I felt the wind was sweet on the way to "escape" from Shenzhen. In fact, the housing prices in Shenzhen were pretty good at that time, but for me, who had a monthly salary of 4,500 yuan, 20,000 yuan/㎡ is still an astronomical figure. So I think it's good to go to a small county town, at least there is hope.
Three months after coming to this small county, his salary increased to 6,000 yuan as agreed. At that time, the housing prices in the county were around 3,000, and I felt confident when I walked on the street with this "huge sum of money". After all, he is also a person who can buy a house with a monthly salary of two square meters. When I was working in Shenzhen, I usually walked around brand stores, coffee shops, and Western restaurants. When buying clothes, I go to Dongmen Old Street to fight with the bosses who do clothing wholesale. When I go to bed at night, I take off my clothes and sparks and lightning. When I turned over when I was sleeping, my hair stood up and sparks were splashing everywhere. Anyone who has experienced this kind of life should understand it, just like the poor taste portrayed by director Bong Joon-ho in " Parasite "!
I think I overcame my inferiority , which also started from this time. I talked about the first part of my life for more than three months and had no love that collapsed due to material things. I bought my first mountain bike in my life and took a long journey of 80 kilometers. During the Chinese New Year, I brought two bottles of Du Kang District 12 for my dad. The first time he didn't say that I was spending money randomly. I spent my first winter vacation after work, and I missed my work so much that I returned to work three days early. Here I found a little meaning of life, and my colleagues can get along well with each other, and they can also play basketball together after three hours of lunch break. I rode my bike around on weekends, and I walked around the surrounding villages and towns, including river embankments, hills, dams, and curbs... The world is wide.
At that time, the development zone where our company was located was being built on the opposite side of the resort, with folk performances, hot springs and wetlands. The company's real estate projects invested in the local area are also thriving. Internal employees, booking starting from 50,000 yuan, and the room type can be selected, first come first served. There was a time when I could wake up laughing when I dreamed. I imagine that after work during the day, I go to the wild restaurant on the roadside to grab skewers at night, eat and drink, and then go to the hot spring opposite to take a bath. Later, the company went bankrupt, and we defined the years at that time as: the peach blossom land in the dream, the utopia of tobacco and alcohol. Many years later, when old colleagues met, they were filled with regret when they were drinking and chatting. It can be seen that life is normal today.
What is the ultimate ideal of life? Isn’t it just that love is happy, career is smooth, friendship is always with you, and life is expected?
Values
Later I went back to Shenzhen and found an errand in the marriage and love industry. I live in the torment of values every day.I told my boss, why do we make up fairy tales to deceive users? Why can’t we help those who want to get married find a reliable marriage based on some consensus? Why has the marriage and love industry become such an image that has no integrity, cheating, and has a bad reputation? I often have such vicious thoughts. If you don’t change now, someone will force you to change one day.
I have to admit that the power of this inertia is huge. As long as women do not give up on the fantasy of finding a perfect man for a day, this deception will not stop. As long as men don’t give up finding a little fairy to marry, this kind of deception will not stop. What is more profitable than following human nature? You said I want to find an ordinary man with a height of 180, education of 985, a seven-digit salary, a handsome appearance, a well-proportioned figure, and a solemn appearance, then don’t blame the emotional teachers for making money by using "family matches". Should I improve my image? Should you learn about emotional value? One-on-one emotional tutoring will teach you how to be tall, rich and handsome, and whether you are moved? Three sentences make a man spend 180,000 yuan on you, and he is not jealous? Normal people really won’t be fooled like this. Only those who have licked the food in the bowl of capital will lose their rationality and be so crazy.
The same is true for men to be addicted to beauty, and middle-aged men are especially good here. Just search for it casually and there are news that cowards heard everywhere: "A man spent 500,000 yuan to protect the "female anchor" to get rid of singleness, but the other party has a boyfriend", "A accountant in Jiangsu is addicted to live broadcasts and embezzled 9.3 million yuan of public funds to reward the female anchor", "A man rewarded the anchor with 120,000 yuan in 30 days, and was exposed to domestic violence against his wife." I don’t think this can be understood by a normal person’s mind. Just like the news posted by any girl in many social software, there are always a bunch of disgusting middle-aged men who leave messages “Ask”. I think they are just a bunch of animals that are dominated by hormones and messed up their brains. The glory of human nature has long been thrown into the trash can by them. Sometimes thinking about it, marriage may not be their redemption, customs and industries are.
I am very happy that some reformers have appeared in the industry, and they have made great efforts to improve the authenticity of user identity. A great change has been made in the mechanism of peer-to-peer dating. It is not enough to evaluate the strength of a friend's willingness through user behavior analysis and to match people with strong willingness...but this is far from enough. They still have a long way to go before solving real problems.
For example, fair marriage mechanisms, such as loyalty issues, such as inequality of reproduction costs (the family expenses provided by men are not enough to cover the physical costs of women in housework), such as loss of female career prospects during childbirth, such as women occupy a larger proportion of household expenses (data reference: The 2020 Insight Report on Quality of Life Trends of Women)), such as excessive marriage burdens for men (mainly betrothal gifts and houses), such as unbalanced job opportunities and educational opportunities (no degree available in places where there is a job), such as the inheritance of female property under the patriarchy (mostly passed on to boys). Such many problems have been weaved into a huge net, and as long as you think of the word "marriage", you will immediately lose the courage to try.
community of cross-city life?
About feasibility consideration in terms of matching relationships
Of course, I am not so arrogant that I feel that I can solve all problems. I just hope, even a very small number of people? Maybe it can help them.
When we were doing user research last year, we did research in this direction. Sort by the intensity of demand, the birth background of men when choosing a mate is as follows: County girls, city girls, town girls, country girls. There will be differences in mate choice preferences in first- and second-tier cities and third- and fourth-tier cities, and men with better conditions would rather find them in the local market. Men with average conditions tend to look for next-level cities. For example, 75% of young men in county-level cities chose small town girls.
Analysis of the birth background preferences of women in county towns leads to the conclusion that it is exactly the opposite of that of men. According to the intensity of demand, the requirements for the birth background of women when choosing a spouse are sorted as follows: urban youth county youth town youth rural youth. Among the public-optimistic women (working in enterprises and institutions, outstanding appearance, have a house in the registered residence, and their parents are retired employees of enterprises and institutions) choose urban youth as their ideal companions.
The figure above illustrates the expected matching relationship, after all, the samples collected are all unmarried single young people. In actual marriage matching, it will still be limited by the availability of resources or matching conditions in other dimensions, such as height, education, appearance, income level and family background.
But this matching relationship exists. Last year, I was a Wuhan boy who was working on the job. I will call him Chao Ge for the time being! His family conditions are OK. His father is the secretary of a fishing farm in Wuhan, and his mother retired from Wuhan Light Bulb Factory. He has 3 apartments at home, one is next to Yanjiang Avenue, and two are located in Hongshan District . Working in a state-owned enterprise myself, 174. Undergraduate. It’s more than 6,000 yuan a month, and if you do some side jobs, your overall annual income is about 130,000 yuan.
He described his embarrassing situation in a blind date in Wuhan: during the first blind date, he invited the woman's family to have a meal, and it cost more than 3,000 yuan for a meal, and then the woman said she didn't like him. The second blind date was that I spent more than 8,000 on two weeks of meeting each other. I either followed him to pay the bill or called him a driver. If I had any dissatisfaction, I would lose my temper. The woman's family's conditions are actually average. She just demolished and distributed a 140㎡ house. In addition, the girl looks pretty good, so the family is also very indulgent and feels that she doesn't have to worry about marrying. Later, he broke up because he didn't go to pick up the girl from get off work once. He said he knew that sooner or later, he just wanted to give an explanation to his family.
Because we were doing research on the marriage matching problem between young men in core cities and young women in surrounding counties at that time, I mentioned to him, why don’t you go to the surrounding cities to look for it? I think Xiaogan and Huangpi are not far from you. For your conditions, you should have a more competitive advantage! If it doesn’t work, county-level cities like Yingcheng and Jingshan can definitely be chosen casually. A year later, he really found a Xiaogan girl, but she didn't seem to be happy. Reality may often be like this, and you solve one problem and the next problem. He joked with me that her girlfriend's salary was more than 3,000 yuan, and she looked at houses worth more than 40,000 yuan, and forced him to take the civil service exam, and if she couldn't pass the exam, she would break up. He said that I was a young talented man in 1995 and found an old girl in 1992. I really couldn't figure out how she got her confidence.
I think this feedback does not mean that the matching relationship is not feasible. I still think that this matching solution has the advantage of matching efficiency, but it requires more accurate screening of the matching population.
Features in terms of living costs
For example, from Shenzhen to Dongyuan County, Heyuan, Guangdong, it takes more than two hours to drive, more than one hour to a high-speed rail, and the round trip costs about 170 yuan. Even if you go back once a week, the monthly cost will not exceed 700 yuan.
The average price of local houses is about 6,000 yuan, and there are also many areas below 4,000 yuan, and there are no restrictions on household registration (reference news: Guangdong officially issued a document, Heyuan and 14 cities including 14 cities have all cancelled settlement restrictions). Suppose you buy a 100㎡ house with a total price of 600,000 yuan, a down payment of 200,000 yuan, a commercial loan for 15 years, and a monthly loan repayment of about 3,000 yuan (the mortgage interest rate is calculated at 4.5%), this pressure is something that most people can bear. If you do the decoration yourself, make a good plan and budget, you will definitely get 200,000 yuan.
Children go to school: the cost of county-level kindergartens is about 2,000 yuan per semester, and private kindergartens are about 8,000 yuan per semester. Compared with first-tier cities, the cost of 40,000 yuan per semester (universal private kindergartens) is within the affordability of most people. If your monthly income is around 20,000 yuan, and you are considering getting married and raising children, you can at least afford to live in a county-level city. In first-tier cities, I guess I have to be in debt every month.
Of course, there will be other problems: such as commuting time issues, separation problems in two places, pregnancy risks issues, child raising issues, education quality issues, asset preservation, etc. I will discuss these issues carefully in the next article, and everyone is also welcome to leave me a message and provide clues.
Features in terms of matching value
How to make the matched parties feel that marriage is worth it, not an exploitation of each other, I think the following points need to be rebalanced:
Marriage cost and benefits are not equal : The controversial item here is mainly that the man in the marriage invests more resources than the woman, but the income is far less than that of the woman. First of all, the house. If the house is purchased by the man, the woman actually enjoys the same residence rights but does not pay the cost. This is definitely the man who suffers. Then there is the car, which is purchased by the man, and the woman also enjoys the same right to use, but the depreciation cost is borne by the man, which is also unfair.
Finally, there is a dowry. In many places, this dowry is one-way. The man pays the cost, and the woman does not make any profit. It turns into a childbirth compensation for the woman's family or alimony for parents. Does that mean that if the dowry is given, the woman has no obligation to support her? This is obviously illegal. In the past, as a buyout mechanism, the woman did not bear the pension of her parents, nor did she have the right to inherit property in . Now, regardless of whether you get married or not, your children have the same obligation to support them. There is another saying that bride gifts are regarded as an external manifestation of men's importance to women. The more they are given, the more they pay attention to them, and they will have more say after marriage. I don’t know if there is any right to speak, but there are really many bloody cases caused by high bride price, so the form of bride gifts must be changed.
For example, like in Guangdong, it's all right.
or as a small family to invest in capital. The man gives the woman a dowry and the woman gives the man a dowry, which is also a balanced strategy. As for the woman's losses in other aspects, she should also compensate her in other aspects. For example, when it comes to supporting the issue, you can negotiate how much money you invest every month as your obligation to support your parents. For example, the issue of expressing attention through bride price is actually the exploitation of women by the family under the patriarchy. Since the woman’s obligation to support her has been agreed in Civil Code , the daughter should also obtain equal inheritance rights. When getting married, the woman’s family should also invest in the new family. Either they don’t invest, or both families have equal investments.
Family contribution and financial power are not equal : According to the data in the "Her Finance" White Paper" released by the First Financial Daily and Ping An , in most families, men account for a higher proportion of family income.
However, on household consumption decision , women enjoy greater voice, and among household consumption expenditures, women's expenditures are much higher than men.
Women still enjoy most of the decision-making power of family consumption when their contribution rate to the family is lower than that of men and their consumption is higher than that of men. This relationship is unequal. Either women express gratitude for this obviously dominant way of family resources allocation and make compensation in other ways. For example, when it comes to having a child, no other rights and compensation are declared. Or take on more work in family labor.
Many women feel that their quality of life has decreased after getting married, so they are not getting married well. But isn’t the real impact caused by raising children? This contradiction is not caused by the marriage itself, nor is it caused by your husband's incompetence. In first-tier cities, even if you have a dual-employee family’s comprehensive monthly income can reach more than 30,000 after tax, it’s not easy to raise a child! Those who attribute the suffering of marriage to men are either bad or stupid.
Nursing risks and benefits are asymmetry : This asymmetry comes from two aspects. On the one hand, it is about giving birth. Women pay higher costs and should receive certain compensation.
On the other hand, the family raises children, but does not enjoy the material benefits brought by the children. Parenting costs, education costs, and also consider funding him to buy a house, subsidize his family, and help take care of his children. Most of the surplus value of labor is deprived of society and capital. What do parents get?
First of all, let’s talk about fertility compensation. A special compensation mechanism should be set up, such as 100,000 or 200,000 yuan to women in one lump sum. Of course, long-term payment plans can also be adopted to pay special birth subsidies every month until the amount agreed in the agreement is reached. Originally, women's willingness to get married is lower than that of men. If they talk about everything, who is willing to take this risk?
Regarding the inequality in the parenting process, this can only be given family care in terms of social welfare, such as universal childcare institutions and educational institutions that tutor children's homework. Let parents concentrate on social production and reduce workplace discrimination caused by marriage.
Sense of security and loyalty are not equal : Sense of security is actually a kind of loyalty, or it is called loyalty testing. In the process of evolution, the long-term adaptability problem that women face is: the men they choose not only have the necessary resources, but are also willing to make commitments and are willing to provide resources for them and their children. In a traditional patriarchal society, it is difficult for women to break their loyalty to men. In addition to the very cruel punishments they may face, property relations will also tightly restrict women from taking risks.
But now the loyalty that men need is not well protected, such as chastity (I don’t think this is patriarchal thinking, this is an adaptive choice for men to ensure parental relationships. For details, please see the description of evolutionary psychology 166-167p), such as the certainty of parent-child relationships. Therefore, the sense of security that women need is the certainty of emotional and material investment, and the sense of security that men need is the certainty of parent-child relationship.
So there is also an equal restriction mechanism here. We do not have a support mechanism like the United States, nor do we have an equal pension mechanism like Japan. We can use house ownership as compensation for women's need for security. For example, how much property rights can be obtained by determining that the child is a parent-child relationship. How many property rights can be obtained every year when the marriage lasts. If a woman experiences infidelity and betrayal during marriage, part or all of the property rights will be reclaimed. If a man experiences infidelity and betrayal during marriage, he or she also needs to pay 50% or a certain proportion of the property rights to the woman as compensation.
This can be formulated into prenuptial agreement and implemented in accordance with the plan agreed in advance between the two parties.
Family labor allocation is unequal : In 2021, the fourth survey on social status of China Women released the main data. The survey shows that the daily care, homework and pick-up of children aged 0-17 years old account for 76.1%, 67.5% and 63.6% of the families whose mothers are responsible for daily care, tutoring, and pick-up, respectively; therefore, women invest more energy in parenting, but they do not get more rewards.
Women's time to take care of family members and cook, clean, and daily purchases is 154 minutes, which is about twice that of men. Women participate in more housework but are not calculated, which is also a serious ambition. The model of the male lead and the female lead and the female lead and the inner one cannot be explained in many dual-working families. As for men's income is higher than women, so men have the right to participate less in family labor, this is itself a kind of discrimination against family labor. You go to work, so are you noble? If you buy women's labor entirely at market value, the three melons and two dates that men earn is really not enough. If women's career development losses are taken into account, men cannot afford to compensate. Labor in the name of love is the PUA and oppression of women. Related content refers to the description of inequality in the burden of reproduction costs in "Patriarchy and Capitalism".
At this point, men and women must first understand the efforts of women to the family and recognize the value of their wives. Either quantify housework and divide the work and cooperate; or compensate the person who pays more according to market value. If a man doesn't want to give money and is unwilling to participate in family labor, he deserves to be single.
Of course, marriage and love matching is not only a matter of cooperation value, but also a matter of supply and demand relationship. Women have a low willingness to get married, and men have a high willingness to get married. If women are really required to be equal to rights and responsibilities, it will inevitably lead to women's willingness to get married, resources are scarce, and men have a weaker voice in marriage. I think a benign strategy should be to establish a long-term fair exchange mechanism in a marriage relationship, rather than to beat the short-term interests.
Many people do not recognize the utilitarian side of "marriage" and it is stupid to think that love is rooted in fair exchange of returns. Do we sometimes fail to consider rewards when meeting our lover’s needs? Indeed, those who are in fair long-term relationships don’t care about short-term fairness.
It should be noted that social norms are carried out in accordance with social norms trading strategies, and not all behaviors can be market-oriented valuation and trading. Market norms are carried out in accordance with market norms trading strategies and cannot be confused. Men need to dare to make their own claims, such as not giving a bride gift, but claiming a 200,000 yuan birth subsidy, and a one-time payment. For example, admit that family labor also creates value, respects women's labor results, and is willing to pay for the more housework women undertake at market value. For example, you are willing to distribute the property rights of a house with women, but you need to agree on a long-term mechanism of equal security and loyalty.
In competition strategy , those who make concessions will gain more competitive advantages. Everyone should have this kind of experience. If your friend invites you to dinner first, you will feel particularly indebted. Even if you ask him back, it is still difficult to erase your feelings of indebtedness to him.
written at the end
I believe most male compatriots still want to get married, especially in the cultural atmosphere of China. Only by striving for consensus can we gain more consensus. If one party insists on criticizing the other party, it will only cause a deeper division. Don't base your judgment on assertions. Don’t base your hatred of the group on resentment towards the individual.
Public Account: Small Communist Family, Together explore a new equal and mutually beneficial marriage mechanism.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-