The reader wrote to me and said:
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We met through online social software. Before this, we both had failed marriages.
We live in different cities, and the distance between us is about 90 minutes away. We will meet on holidays or half a month, and we will call and send messages on weekdays. He often asked me about my well-being, and occasionally made noises and fought.
Two months ago, because he borrowed me a few thousand yuan, I didn't lend it to him, so he blocked me. A month later, I met by chance near my house and got back together.
One morning half a month ago, he told me on the phone that he was going to the station to pick up his ex-wife to go through the divorce procedures (I had not completed the divorce procedures before, so I could not sell his current house). Me: Haven’t you shown me the divorce certificate ? He: That was the document for divorce from another ex-wife.
On this day, he did not have any contact with me. I sent him a video tonight, but he didn't answer. Call him and he blocked me. I then sent a few text messages scolding him, and I felt relieved.
A few days later, he began to pester me again and asked me to make peace with him. His explanation: His ex-wife has never been heard of, and the court sentenced him to divorce because he has been separated for many years. During
, he invited me to his house for dinner. While he was cooking in the kitchen, I found a stud in his bedroom. I asked him to give me a reasonable explanation. He said his son stayed behind after living with his partner. But I knew his son and his partner would rather live in a hotel than live in his bungalow, and he firmly refused to admit that he had done something sorry for me.
Later, I learned from others that during his blocking me, he had a girlfriend and was quite satisfied with each other. Then they lived together for a few days.
My confusion: Have I met a scumbag? Should I withdraw in time?
Muzili Emotional analysis:
Your boyfriend’s love history is still relatively rich: two ex-wifes, one you, and recently I met a new girlfriend. I will tell you a detail, please give me some comment: One morning, your boyfriend called you and said he would go to pick up his ex-wife to go through the divorce procedures. Then he told you that his ex-wife had no news. The court forcibly sentenced them to divorce because they had been separated for many years. Sometimes, people cannot see the details clearly in an emotion. In fact, if you think carefully, lies are easily exposed. It means that your boyfriend has not been with you recently because he has a new love and wants to give each other a time to get to know each other. The reason why he contacted you again now is only one explanation: he has not passed the running-in period with his newly met girlfriend.
Regarding your relationship, it’s better to break up. My reasons include: 1) You have all had failed marriage experiences. At the level of reorganization, you need to give each other more opportunities to understand, but after dating for 4 years, you haven’t received the result of marriage. Don’t you think it’s a bit strange? I understand this, he will think you are very good, but he will feel that he is almost in a hurry to reorganize your family with you; 2) He had two divorces before he met you. Let’s just say that his second wife ran away from home means that he is indeed not very attractive to women; 3) He went on a blind date with other women without telling you, isn’t it a typical example of riding a donkey and looking for a horse? At least it shows that his private life is not decent.
Another three points about your boyfriend's unreliableness: 1) Since he is dating you for marriage, and about the relationship between him and his two wives, he can not tell you the details, at least give you the right to know about his previous two divorce experiences; 2) A middle-aged man borrowing money from his girlfriend is a taboo thing. The key is that after you reject it, he will block you. Do you think this man is calm? 3) I have been reluctant to marry you, and you have found out from the side that he has indeed lived with other girls in recent times. Can you guarantee that if you marry him, he will not betray the marriage? At this moment, do you have this feeling: Although you have been dating for 4 years, you don’t understand him at all?
At the beginning of your letter, tell me that he would ask you about your well-being on weekdays. What I want to ask is, what has he paid for you in the practical level of action over the years? Remember, in the adult world, those so-called sweet words and taking time to chat with you can only be a harmonizer to consolidate love. Those who truly love you will come up with more affordable things to consolidate love: 1) at least be willing to give you a material level; 2) When talking about the future, you will plan in; 3) After a year or two, you will consider giving you a title. I just ask you: Have he given you these affordable things in the emotional field? You are no longer in your teens, so there is no need to see the other person draw big pie for you in the field of love.
needs to be admitted that everyone has advantages and disadvantages. If one of them looks good, has a good figure, and is good at saying sweet words, it is indeed very useful in front of women. The key is that once a relationship grows over time, you will become dependent on this relationship, so sometimes you will find that you are a little ruthless when you break up. But when faced with unreliable relationships, if you don’t know how to stop the loss in time, what happens afterwards will only delay the time of breakup, and the key is that it will make you more entangled. You can feel that you are quite concerned about this relationship. To be precise, in this relationship, you love him more. The key is that you need to have a more accurate definition of this relationship: if you are having fun, don’t be moved; if you want to find someone to live a dull life, he is not suitable.
Another detail, his son is already at the age of talking about his girlfriend, which means that his age should be around forty. Love at this age is often more pragmatic: 1) He will definitely focus more on buying a house and getting married for his son; 2) You have been dating for 4 years, and his son should know your existence. He is unwilling to marry you, and perhaps there are factors that take care of his son's feelings; 3) People have lived for most of their lives, and when reorganizing their families, they should consider material conditions; 4) People of this age should be loyal to their feelings, especially after two failed marriages, but their ability to play riding a donkey and looking for a horse means that he may no longer have plans to remarry, or feel that it is inappropriate to you. What you should do now: Don’t continue to pull and pull in this relationship, you can’t stop him.
Postscript:
is a relationship that is reliable or not, one's own perception is very important. In fact, when many people examine their relationship, they often get mixed with this emotion: they want to break up but are unwilling to give up. After all, humans are species with emotions. Even if they stay with kittens and dogs for a long time, they will have emotions, let alone humans. But in the emotional field, we should form mutual: be good to those who are good to you, and don’t waste time on those who are bad to you.
Sometimes, people will sigh like this: I know he is not good to me, but I just like him. Since this is the case, you should show your feelings of willingness to accept defeat, so that you can continue to be humble in this relationship, or get the other party’s love response, so that your relationship can continue, or after you have accumulated enough disappointment, you will decisively withdraw. However, in a relatively stalemate relationship, don’t let yourself be humble for too long.
(The picture is from the Internet, the picture is irrelevant)
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