originated from my friend
"I broke up."
In March this year, my friend sadly told me that she broke up with her boyfriend who had been dating for more than a year. When I asked the reason, she replied, "During the epidemic, the feeling between us has changed."
As for how it feels, she can hardly describe it, just saying "I don't feel like we are talking I’m in love. I don’t want him to say it’s okay in the video every time I’m emotionally broken. I just want him to hug me.” According to Gu Yu data (2020), about 30% of couples During the epidemic, they broke up due to a long absence. Many college student couples at are not only affected by the need for online lessons every day, but also face the dilemma of breaking up due to long distances in different places.
Is it the remote place during the epidemic that caused the breakup? Or some other reason?
Here is just an example of a college student couple breaking up during the epidemic to explore the background, reasons and reflections.
(1) The background of remote and "CMC" interpersonal transmission during the epidemic
In the first half of 2020, the new crown epidemic has isolated Chinese college students at home, making many couples need to experience "epidemic love" and "long-distance love" . Z2z
long-distance relationship makes couples have to face long-distance relationship, is not only geographical distance, but also psychological distance . When couples accept that long-distance will bring more autonomy and freedom to the relationship, they should also use more cognitive and emotional abilities to regulate and manage the relationship.
In a remote place that lasted for six months, most college student couples mainly used WeChat as a medium for interpersonal communication. Online communication becomes the only option. This has led to the transformation of the original offline and online communication mode of college student couples into online CMC communication.
(2) Explore the reasons why college students broke up in different places after the epidemic situation
01
The discomfort of the transformation of the mode of communication
Stills of "Love Is Crazy"
(1) The online and offline integration relationship had to be transferred to online communication
Contemporary college students who are "indigenous people on the Internet" have long been accustomed to communicating with couples through mobile WeChat, and switching between offline and online.
However, the epidemic has forced college couples to change their previous diversified modes of communication and can only communicate via the Internet, especially mobile WeChat. This has led to couples not adapting to due to changes in the media.
The intimacy of most college student couples is rooted in the face-to-face (FtF) meeting below the line, and the development of intimacy also depends on the face-to-face communication below the line. This makes the communication mode of college student couples interactive, synchronous interaction, real situational, and participation feedback stronger.
Although the prevailing mobile media nowadays, lovers have long been immersed in the media . Couples also communicate on social media such as WeChat almost every day, and even communicate on social media for longer than the time they spend across the line.
social media gives couples instant virtual presence and interactivity, but this sense of authenticity is actually fluid, and the frequency and intensity of authenticity flow still need to rely on the communication across the line. The accessibility of face-to-face communication is inseparable from the maintenance and development of intimate relationships. Otherwise, there won't be so many online dating couples who want to "run into reality."
The development of the intimate relationship of college student couples in the epidemic is different from the past transmission mode of online and offline integration, and can only rely on mobile phones as a technological medium. The foundation given by the past face-to-face communication collapsed. This makes the mode of communication need to be transformed into a virtual presence, asynchrony, and low social context. The transformation of
media makes couples prone to dislocation. For example, during the epidemic, my friend felt that her boyfriend’s appearance on his mobile phone was somewhat different from the past.
(2) "Front-front zone" and "deep-back zone" in CMC
Goffman (1989) mentioned in the drama theory that people's behavior in a specific environment is divided into "front-end" and "back-end" , People play ideal social roles that meet certain social standards in the front desk, and behave as true and relaxed selves in the background.
In digital media, the relationship between the foreground and the background has becomeblurry. On this basis, Meyrowitz (2002) put forward the "front area" and "deep rear area".
is different from the situation where the front and back displays are displayed in parallel when facing each other. WeChat chat is used as the front desk, and all the behaviors of college couples are selective. Due to the discomfort of the change of the communication media model, will selectively express their “backstage” behavior in WeChat (front zone) chats, such as showing their pseudo-faced makeup at home to give each other freshness. At the same time, couples will be scrupulous and avoid completely expressing their happiness, anger, sorrow, and joy on WeChat. will “backstage” the behavior of “backstage” .
If things go on like this, the freshness of pseudo-no-faces at home is no longer fresh, and all my emotions are hidden due to scruples. The discomfort of the transformation of the media model will make the couples of college students more tired, which will lead to the deterioration of the intimate relationship. The picture of
originated from the network
02
. The nonverbal suggestion of social cues disappeared.
According to Culland and Marcus (Culnan & Markus, 1987) "clue filtering", when interacting face-to-face, people interact through real physical spaces. Material interaction has symbolic interaction . The CMC is purely constructed through communication behaviors, and its key feature is that lacks the rich non-verbal cues in person.
(1) The essence of human beings is embracing, physical
First of all, humans desire physical contact with their partners. Researchers believe that contact is very important for people's healthy life and growth.
However, during the epidemic, they were forced to go to another place, and the physical distance separation caused the physical contact that couples had been accustomed to disappear. And many partners feel most loved when they are touched, hugged, kissed on the cheek, etc. (Hu Chunyang, 2016).
(2) Non-verbal factors lead to misunderstandings and rising costs
Moreover, when a college student couple is chatting on WeChat, it is difficult to see each other's expressions and expressions through text, and to know each other's tone. Due to the lack of these non-verbal factors, many misunderstandings can easily occur. Because cannot fully observe and understand the situation of the other party, only relying on language symbols to communicate may lead to unwarranted jealousy and suspicion.
Therefore, CMC communicators need to integrate more information into the message than the spoken message spread face-to-face, and they need to spell out emotions and expressions literally. But repeated explanations increase the cost and cumbersomeness of interaction (Hu Chunyang, 2016).
However, the traditional Chinese social norms require implicit expression of emotions, and the tendency of the couple to always hope the other can guess their own thoughts. In the absence of expressions and gestures, it is difficult to spell out emotions literally.
(3) Virtual presence is difficult to provide real-time transactional assistance
College student couples can also make videos through WeChat. In the video, the lovers crossed the space and realized virtual presence communication in the medium, making it surprisingly similar to face-to-face communication.
On the one hand, will magnify the long distance that cannot be embraced, and cannot provide real-time transactional help and emotional support. For example, one party is very sick, but can the other party do anything practical besides saying "drink more hot water"? Perhaps no amount of comfort is worth a face-to-face hug.
On the other hand, after the video went offline, the sense of distance and asynchrony re-emerged and strengthened. For example, after a sick party has a video call, he may be distressed by the short time of online video and the loneliness of the person who is eager for a partner. This sense of suffering may make people more uncomfortable. The picture of
is derived from my friend
(4) The epidemic is the emotional anxiety caused by the social environment. The natural environment and social environment that
spread will also affect interpersonal transmission. As a major public health event, the new crown epidemic will inevitably bring people a lot of emotional anxiety and uneasiness, which is intertwined with the insecurity caused by university students’ couples in different places.
And college student couples don't know how long it will take to end the long-distance interaction and get along face to face together, which puts a great test on the relationship between couples.
signal theory (Donath, 1999) shows that people believe in all kinds of information obtained from offline communication, but tend to holdSelf-information provided by the suspect in the CMC. Coupled with the tension of the epidemic, people turn their attention to mobile phones, eager for more information and emotional exchanges.
However, because lacks the trivial details shared in life, too little communication with your partner, or too much self-disclosure with your partner in order to avoid this situation, will inevitably lead to communication helplessness-nothing Say, and then get bored.
(3) Rethinking: Love is the ability to learn from each other
But thinking carefully, is it really the remote place during the epidemic that caused the college couples to break up? A study by
believes that has the same, even closer, and more satisfying long-distance romantic relationship than its geographically close counterpart (Hu Chunyang, 2016). This is because compared to the geographically close spouse, the distant spouse can carry out more adaptive self-revelation and form a more ideal relationship perception.
CMC is sometimes even more friendly and social than FtF. In a long-distance relationship, couples have their own independent space, and communication tends to resonate spiritually. The contradiction without the trivial composition of life will also bring freshness. As for the missing information, both parties will automatically fill in, thus idealizing.
"Long Distance Love" stills
In today's digital media, intimacy shows a trend of liquidity and rapidity, without stability. To a certain extent, social media has reshaped the situations and methods of communication between the two parties in an intimate relationship, but it is not the main factor that causes the failure of long-distance relationships (Zhang Liangyue, Li Jinhui, 2020).
Love is indeed a kind of instinct, but it is more of a kind of ability, which requires the mutual study and hard work of both parties. Not only need to fall in love with each other, but also learn the language of love and the password of heterosexual sex (Hu Chunyang, 2016). The
epidemic and long-distance relationships are indeed the reasons for the breakup, but perhaps the real reason is that the two parties have not yet mastered the ability to love, have no mutual understanding and tolerance, and are still self-centered rather than each other. After all, love is "tolerant of all things, to believe in all things, to hope for all things, and to endure all things. Love never stops." (St. Paul, 51)
(4) Suggestion: Both parties need to use more cognitive and emotional abilities
But the heartbeat" stills
said so much, is there any way to deal with long-distance relationships? According to "Interpersonal Communication: Theory and Ability" (Hu Chunyang, 2016), the only trick to a long-distance relationship is the joint efforts of both parties, which requires more cognitive and emotional abilities to regulate and manage the relationship.
● care about each other's needs : Both sides see the need to maintain a long-distance relationship and work hard to make it work well.
● Realization of face-to-face : Both parties know that they will eventually end the long-distance interaction and face each other together.
● The stability of the relationship premise : When both parties have a strong degree of commitment to the relationship, and the relationship has been firmly established before each departure.
● Spread a lot : Both parties can basically make voice calls.
● Integration of major and trivial matters : Both parties are willing to talk about "major matters" as well as "trivial matters" that are happening in life.
● Has the ability to deal with relationships : Both parties talk about relationships and have various ways to deal with them, and these relationships may have a negative impact on long-term relationships.
● Meet more : As long as the two parties have a chance, they will create opportunities to be together (Sahl-stein et al., 2008).
References:
[1] Hu Chunyang. "Interpersonal Communication: Theory and Ability"[M]. Beijing: Beijing Normal University Press, 2016
[2] (US) by Owen Goffman; Huang Aihua, translated by Feng Gang Self-presentation in daily life[M].Hangzhou: Zhejiang People's Publishing House.1989
[3] (America) Joshua Meyrowitz (Joshua Meyrowitz); Xiao Zhijun translation. Disappearing region[M]. Beijing: Tsinghua University Press. 2002
[4] Zhang Liangyue, Li Jinhui. Research on the Intimate Relationship of University Students' Long-distance Lovers in the Social Media Era[J].Media Observation.2020.9
[5]Tang Mingyi. Discussion on the love pattern of college students——Taking long-distance relationship as an example[J].Sociological Research.2011.1
[6]Gu Yu Data-Tencent News. "The epidemic is not over yet, our love has melted"丨Gu Yu Data. URL:
[7] Paul. "New Testament · 1st Corinthians": Chapter 13
Yang Yunlu, an undergraduate student of journalism, School of Journalism, Fudan University.
