author: Shen Xiao Xin national levels counselors
article reviewing: Hulin Guo home two counselors
psychological counseling, sometimes encounter such a case:
Wang divorced, because her ex-husband Mr. Zhang and her mother The relationship really made her intolerable. People in their thirties, clinging to their mothers like a few years old, talk on the phone several times a day to talk about daily life, and ask for advice on major and minor matters: how much money was spent, what food was eaten, one by one report; when to get up, what Click to go to bed, be compliant. Even every time Ms. Wang went on a business trip, Mr. Zhang had to go to sleep with his mother-in-law. This kind of "ambiguous" relationship made Ms. Wang feel that the mother-in-law is Mr. Zhang's "right wife" and she is just a "little concubine."
Ms. Zhao also encountered a similar problem to Ms. Wang: I wanted to sign up for the company's further education in Australia, but the stubborn mother-in-law refused to agree. Ms. Zhao asked Ms. Zhao to take her daughter at home, and she had to conceive a second child. Ms. Zhao was so angry that she didn’t fight, but it was not her mother-in-law’s attitude that most puzzled her. It was her husband who said "My mother said..." "My mother is not easy..." Side, not on his side at all. Ms. Zhao couldn't understand that birth or not is a matter of husband and wife, it is the same as having boys and girls, why doesn't her husband think about it from her own perspective. Image source of
: Zhankuhero
It is not difficult to see that Ms. Wang and Ms. Zhao have met what we often call "Momboy".
At the age when he was supposed to be independent, "Ma Baonan" was not psychologically "weaned", lacked autonomy, and was overly attached to his mother emotionally. In fact, "Ma Baonan" is not only a social phenomenon, but also an unhealthy mental state, and may even be a mental illness.
Part1 What is the essence of "Mumbo"?
Talking about "Momboy", what do you think of?
Mother is in charge of everything, and she doesn't need to grow up. Exams for school, civil servants, love, marriage, life's major events are all up to my mother; pay electricity bills, pay phone bills, choose clothes, choose shoes, and trivial matters require mother's guidance. Faced with a mother who "will carry out interference to the end" after marriage and rob the "two-person world" as a sovereign, no matter whether she actively agrees or accepts it passively, she never dared to say half a "no". Behind the weakness, what is at work? The essence of
"Ma Bao Nan" is the lack of individual "autonomy". Autonomy is a behavioral tendency. Individuals who lack autonomy can hardly rely on themselves to make decisions that conform to social norms, and it is also difficult to achieve goals through self-regulation. Autonomy mainly includes three dimensions: self-reliance, self-control, and self-assertion. When used in "Ma Baonan", it manifests as dependence on the mother, obedience and lack of opinion. Because of the lack of autonomy, "Ma Baonan" often cannot control himself when encountering problems, and cannot act rationally when encountering unsatisfactory things, but is used to avoiding or venting dissatisfaction through tantrums[1]. This "symbiotic" relationship with the mother and the "low-child" personality traits often hinder individuals from managing their own social and economic life normally, and also hinder them from establishing healthy intimacy [2].
Some people think that "Mabao" is a mother's love for her son and a manifestation of her child's filial piety. But in fact, in daily life, this kind of love that is full of "desire to control" and "cross-boundary", as well as the "filial piety" of obedience, will cause the previous generation to over-intervene in the children's life, and bring a lot to the next generation. pressure. For sons, being caught between mother and wife is also embarrassing, but they are accustomed to being mother-centered, either out of fear or intolerance, and in the end they will follow the mother’s wishes, and the result is often to hurt their partner , And even break the marriage.
Picture source: Zhankuhero
Part2 Why is it easy for girls to marry "Mama Baonan"?
Someone may ask, since "Ma Baonan" has so many problems, why not end the relationship when he is in love and get married instead? Empirical research from
[3] shows that many "Mabao men" have good family background, occupation and income, and have certain advantages in the marriage market. In addition, "Mambo men" tend to show docile, easy-going, and restrained personality traits, which tend to leave a good impression of "cultivation and patience" for the woman. There is an example of
that can illustrate the problem: When interacting, Ms. Li felt that Mr. Gao was very quiet and easygoing, and seemed to be incompetent. Although his ability was average, his family background was very good, and considering that Mr. Gao treats himself well, she finally chose marry. I only learned after marriageIn fact, the choice to get married was largely because Mr. Gao obeyed his mother's wishes, and the gifts that Mr. Gao gave to himself were carefully selected by his mother-in-law. The apparent "fitness" of
encourages women to choose to enter marriage and maintain a superficial balance and stability with the man at the beginning of the marriage. However, as the marriage time gets longer and longer, especially when the issue of childbirth is in front of your eyes, the man’s elders will forcefully intervene in the children’s lives in a “pressure” posture. Differences in concepts and poor communication will soon follow. It will break the superficial harmony of marriage and expose problems.
Picture source: Zhankuhailuo
Part3 What kind of family is easy to raise a "Ma Baonan"? The other side of
lack of autonomy is the "control" of parents over their children. This kind of control often begins in childhood, continues to adulthood, and intensifies. It extends from "controlling the son" to "controlling the son's small family", often manifested in the control of children's fertility, living habits, and family consumption. At the beginning of the article, in the experiences of Ms. Wang and Ms. Zhao, they encountered births, arranging daily routines, and reporting financial situations, which are all typical manifestations.
In fact, every child has dependence, which is natural nature; but on the other hand, children also have the potential of "self-reliance" and "self-determination". In the end, whether the child is more dependent or more autonomous has a lot to do with the family's growth environment. If parents do not take care of everything, children will rarely have the opportunity to explore and overcome doubts and cowardice. They are accustomed to “sit back and enjoy their achievements”, and it is difficult to develop autonomy. Eventually they will develop a dependent personality, even with their parents. The "obsessive" attachment relationship.
is specific to the native family type of "Mabao Nan". One situation is that he was raised in a greenhouse by his parents since he was a child, over-care, smooth wind, and ignorance of world affairs. Such children are well-behaved and obedient since they are young, and when they grow up, they tend to obey their parents' arrangements and have a job and marriage that others seem to be good for. However, the apparent harmony and balance of the parent-child relationship often exposes many problems after the child enters the married life.
Another situation is that parents are traditionally authoritarian, and they are accustomed to adopting command and controlled discipline to their children. Children who grow up in this type of family have too much influence on their thinking and behavior by their parents, are extremely dependent on their parents, and have relatively weak personality.
In many "Mabao male" families, the traditional concept of "patriotism" and "good wife and loving mother" is deeply ingrained. It is believed that the husband must have a dominant position and leading role in family life. The family is first, and any sacrifices can be made if necessary. The previous generation had a lot of requirements for their daughter-in-laws, but their sons were very relaxed, and the "large double-standard scene" was staged every day.
Part4 How to avoid "Mumbo" psychology?
Rejecting "Mambo", it is important to cultivate children's autonomy.
In fact, the earlier autonomy is cultivated, the greater the chance for children to develop autonomy. "Learning to let go" is a compulsory course for every parent. Parents need to change the spoiling or authoritarian wrong parenting style, consciously support and encourage children's autonomous behavior, guide children to make decisions on their own, and solve problems by themselves, which is also conducive to enhancement Children’s self-esteem and self-confidence [4]. It is very important for
to properly handle the relationship between "receiving" and "release". When to give children freedom and when to restrict their behavior, this "degree" needs to be grasped. It is necessary to reasonably intervene in the children's daily life and study, and also to leave their own space for the children. When a child is "disobedient", it is necessary to calm down and understand what the child thinks, instead of blindly "pressing down"-in many cases, autonomy is developed precisely in the process of "bargaining" between the child and the parent.
is not without remedies for the "Ma Baonan" who has grown up and married. Realizing that there is a problem is a big change in itself. Only oneself can truly take responsibility for one's own family and life. Communicate more with parents, give each other more understanding, leave some space, believe that parents have the original intention of loving children, only using the wrong method, causing the "intention" and "result" dislocation. After all, every family member doesn't want to see the end of the family's turmoil, face and heart, and even a broken marriage.
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References
[1]. Liu Xinyi. From the "Ma Bao Nan" phenomenon to see children's lack of autonomy and its countermeasures[J]. Journal of Hubei Normal University (Philosophy and Social Science Edition).2019（6）:111.
[2]. Chen Ji. "Ma Baonan" and "straight male cancer" frequently appear, giant babies psychologically collide with the social red line[J].半月谈,2017(3):84-85.
[3]. Zhang Jing, Li Dongmei. Family power relationship of urban youth "Ma Baonan"——Based on the investigation of 15 divorce cases[J].中国青年研究.2019(9).
[4]. Wang Jiajun. Eriksen’s Theory of Personality Development and the Cultivation of Children’s Healthy Personality[J].Preschool Education Research.2019(6).
