Today is the last day of 2022.
At this moment, the virus is rampant across the country. Many elderly people cannot survive this winter and will not see the Year of the Rabbit. How many families are in grief. A grain of ashes in the
era is like a huge mountain falling on the heads of ordinary people.
Grandpa passed away in October, so it might be a good arrangement to avoid this disaster. Grandpa, you must protect grandma and let her survive this epidemic safely.
It has been almost three months since my grandfather passed away, and I still can't let go. Every time I think about it, I can't stop crying.
It’s the end of another year. Looking back on the past year, my grandfather’s death gave me a new understanding of life and death.
1. The saddest thing: Grandpa is gone
Grandpa is the first relative I lost as an adult. In the past, my grandparents and parents were in perfect order, but now that my grandfather is gone, it’s like black and white impermanence is coming at me with all its teeth and claws, and there is a gap in the whole. Impermanence will take away other elders in the future, and then to me. This is the fate of being a human being. When my grandfather was still alive, I felt that death was very far away from me. It wasn't until I saw my grandfather off that I discovered that I had also entered a countdown.
Grandpa was only in his 70s when he passed away. In my mind, he is a healthy little old man. Every time I go back to my hometown, I can see him. In winter, he always wears a black hat, and while calling my name, he pulls up a chair and sits down to bask in the sun.
Two years ago, my grandfather suffered a sudden gout attack. He was unable to move one side of his body and had to lie on the bed all year round without taking medicine. These years happened to be when the epidemic control was the strictest, and I have not returned to my hometown to celebrate the New Year in three years. All in all, I only met my grandfather once from his illness to his death.
Usually, I always learn about my grandfather's current situation from my parents. He is feeling better or is in the hospital again. In the more than two years before my grandfather passed away, half of the time was spent in the hospital. I also need to use a wheelchair at home, which makes me suffer a lot.
I remember one year during the Spring Festival, I had a video greeting with my grandfather. My grandfather, who was ill, was much older. But I still ignorantly thought that grandpa would get better. I never thought that he was already in his 70s.
In March of this year, I finally returned to my hometown after a long absence. I saw my grandpa in the hospital and he recognized me immediately. He was in a good state of mind at that time. When leaving, he said there was no need to worry about him and he wanted me to live a good life and raise my children well.
Later, I learned from my mother that grandpa’s condition was not good again. He was last hospitalized for a month and even had to be put on a ventilator. There may be no way to save him, so the doctor suggested that he go home to recuperate. At that time, my grandfather was living with his third son in the county town.
On the evening of October 9, my mother called me and said that grandpa might leave at any time. He was speechless and unable to eat. My father and uncles took the old man back to his old house in the countryside overnight.
Grandpa agreed to return to his old house in the countryside. Grandpa no longer thought about going to the hospital for treatment. He wanted to spend his last days in his old house.
When I heard about my grandfather, I cried bitterly in Hangzhou. Ever since we met in March, although I was mentally prepared, I still couldn’t imagine that this day would come so quickly.
Early the next morning, I called my father. My father said that grandpa was fine. Looking back now, my father probably said that on purpose. He didn’t want me to worry. Within a few hours, news came that my grandfather had passed away.
Later, from the mouths of my grandma and father, I gradually pieced together some fragments of my grandpa’s life before his death.
Grandpa was in a slight coma on his way back to his hometown. He couldn't eat and couldn't speak. But he said he wanted to drink. Grandpa has always been a good drinker, and he wanted to take a sip before he left.
His father and uncles all felt that giving him wine at this time was tantamount to giving him poison, so Grandpa's wish was not fulfilled.
Early the next morning, grandpa brushed his teeth, washed his face, and said he wanted to eat noodles for breakfast. As a result, he passed away only two or three hours later...
2, Silent Hillside
In Hangzhou that day, the autumn sun was warm and the sky was blue. I burst into tears when I thought that my grandfather would no longer be alive...
I hurriedly asked for leave and rushed back to my hometown.We set off in the morning and arrived at the old house at 4pm. I couldn't stop crying when I saw my grandfather lying in the ice coffin and my haggard and old grandma...
He came, and he left again, without a trace...
Rural affairs are still relatively traditional, and I accompanied my grandfather on his last journey with a very sad heart. Before cremation at the funeral home, my father pulled off the towel that originally covered my grandfather's face. Grandpa looked peaceful, but his face was ashen and skinny. I couldn't help crying again. Grandpa has suffered. Have a good journey. I hope there will be no pain in heaven! You must remember the way home!
If there is a soul after death, then I hope grandpa will remember the way home and come home often. As I write this, I start to choke again. Just the thought of never seeing this person again brings tears to his eyes. I wish he could be at home as usual, drinking some wine, chopping wood and cooking. On the way to the funeral home, I kept thinking silently, Grandpa, the funeral home is a bit far, but you must remember the way home. As long as we are here, you will definitely come back, right?
People live forever, and vegetation lasts only one autumn. Grandpa left in the autumn. There were few people in the small mountain villages and mountains. It was freezing during the day and the teeth were frozen at night. The quiet mountain village became lively because of grandpa. The sound of the suona was extremely desolate. The sound of firecrackers filled the sky.
Grandpa was buried on a quiet hillside. There are fir trees all around, and only the chirping of birds can be heard, it is very quiet.
Grandpa likes quietness all his life, he will like this place, no one will disturb him. He is still with the old people in the village, hoping that he will not be lonely.
3, Nostalgia
Because we are busy, or because of the epidemic, or for other reasons, there are many relatives and friends who have not seen each other in several years. Instead, it was because of grandpa that the whole family came together.
We met at the starting point, and then we realized that everyone had run far away.
The small mountain village is also my starting point. The place I dreamed about countless times in my dreams was always this ordinary village. Maybe this is nostalgia.
I walked around the village carefully and found that there were only three or four households in the village, and they had all moved away.
My father’s house is still there, that’s where I grew up. My brother and I discussed renovating the house and bringing the children back to live there during the summer vacation.
Who can not love the village now? It has been beautifully renovated and is still a natural oxygen bar. There are childhood memories everywhere.
Grandpa is still sleeping here, just like when he was a child, I always feel that he is there.
The older I grow, the more lonely I become, and the older I grow, the more I want to go back. Even though I am in a foreign country, I always feel like my hometown in my heart.
Go back if you want, there are so many reasons.
Life is only a few decades, and we always think that the future is long, but in fact it is not! Do what you want to do immediately. Don't always think there is still time. This is the most naive idea.
4. How should I exist?
As night fell, looking at the lights of the city, I began to imagine what the hillside where my grandfather was buried looked like. Where has he gone? What did he leave behind?
Grandpa's death had a great impact on me. As a clumsy person as I am, I often think about the drama of life.
"Where do I come from, where do I go, why do I live."
Grandpa has completed his life and completed all his mission, but he cannot express it. I can only think to the best of my ability, how should I exist?
In the play of life, everyone has their own appearance time and curtain time. Perhaps this is destined by God. But how to perform this play and how to live it must be studied carefully.
Grandpa is a farmer. He worked hard all his life with his face facing the loess and his back turned to the sky. In his later years, he fell ill and suffered all kinds of torture.
Having a healthy body is more important than anything else. Maybe this is what grandpa wanted to tell me.
In the past year, I ran more than 600 kilometers, which is not a lot. It was all for exercise. I think I will stick to this habit forever.
Be yourself, act your own play, go your own way, and slowly move towards the end. A person's life really has nothing to do with others.So there is no need to care about other people’s opinions. It is better to please yourself than to please others. This is what I have figured out.
In 2022, I have always lived a simple and orderly life. I go to work and go home between two o'clock and one line at a time. I cut off ineffective social interactions as much as possible and leave time for reading, running and coding. I confirm that this is the way of life I like, and I hope it will still be like this in the coming year. No matter how noisy the outside world is, I will always be immersed in my own world.
In 2023, reading, running and coding. Of course, you can’t lose your job. What worries me the most is the virus. After an attack, my body will collapse. I hope all my worries will stop tonight and I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling like a new baby.
is written at the end:
After getting new crown , my brain is always a mess. What I want to express can't be explained clearly. I would like to write this article in memory of my grandfather. I will carry my endless thoughts of my grandfather into the coming year.
