Someone asked on Zhihu: "What kind of family is happier in ?" There is a highly praised answer below
: " respects each other, and has discussions when encountering things."
When couples get along, if they can respect each other and understand the difficulties they encounter, even if they are in average financial conditions, they can feel happiness and warmth, and on the contrary, they will feel anxiety.
Ms. Wang is like this. She has been married to her husband for 19 years. Her husband filed for divorce several times, but she silently resisted it. Others only see her family completeness, and only she can experience the sorrows in it.
01
Sloppy work VS perfectionism
Ms. Wang and her husband Mr. Xu met on blind date. Not long after they met, they got married after their parents arranged for them.
After marriage, Ms. Wang became a full-time housewife and was responsible for washing and cooking at home. They had a warm time, especially after their daughter was born, Mr. Xu ran home after work.
Mr. Xu has certain requirements for life. He likes that the house is clean and tidy, the items are placed in an orderly manner, and the cooking needs to be matched with meat and vegetables, so that life can be of quality.
Unfortunately, Ms. Wang is a carefree person. She cooks very easily and likes to put several dishes together to stew them. Her husband talked about her many times. Ms. Wang felt that her husband was difficult to serve: "Isn't it just to have enough food? Why is it so demanding?"
Ms. Wang is not concerned about the hygiene of the house. She puts children's toys everywhere. There is no place to put her feet when walking in the living room. The coffee table is full of snacks and peels. Once, Mr. Xu came home from get off work and was hungry. He ate something first. He opened the refrigerator and found that a bowl of rice was furry and a piece of lettuce was rotten.
He was very angry and asked his wife to clean up, but his wife ignored him at all. When he returned home the next day, the house was still in a mess.
Mr. Xu is a person who can't hide the trouble. The more he thinks about it, the more angry he becomes, so he wrote a note to his wife: Let's get a divorce. Then I went back to my hometown.
After seeing the note, Ms. Wang took her daughter back to find him and stuffed her daughter into his arms. Her daughter was only one year old. It was when she was learning to speak. Mr. Xu loved to rub her daughter in her arms, but Ms. Wang slapped her daughter in the face.
This angered Mr. Xu. He couldn't control his emotions and attacked his wife. What's strange is that after the two quarreled, they did not really divorce, but continued to live.
More than a year later, Ms. Wang still doesn't understand the reason why her husband is going to divorce, and she doesn't want to know.
02
Communication and resistance
At the mediation site, Ms. Wang talked about her grievances and said that her husband was domestic violence against her and also had cold violence.
host asked her: "Why did you beat the child? The child did nothing wrong?"
Ms. Wang said: "I'm angry. He cares about his daughter the most. I can't control my emotions."
is really sad! Ms. Wang has no strength to compete with her husband, so she can only extend her hand to the weak child. You must know that it is also her own flesh and blood. Don’t you feel sorry for it?
From this point, we can see that Ms. Wang has a narrow mind. She can completely reject her husband's request, but there is no need to rely on the other party. If you don't want to do housework, just go out to find a job. If your income is higher than your husband, you can also ask the other party to share housework. Why do you need to fight with an indifferent attitude?
Mr. Xu said that he had been married to his wife for many years and found a phenomenon, that is, no matter what he proposed to his wife, the other party would fight against each other in a negative way.
Once, my father-in-law was feeling unwell and came to the city where they lived for medical treatment. Mr. Xu asked for leave for a few days and his father-in-law's health improved. He said to his wife, "You can also take time to buy clothes. In a few days, my niece got married, so we have to go and participate."
The wife didn't say a word, and took her parents back to her hometown the next day. When Mr. Xu came back from get off work, he saw that there was no one in the house, so he called his wife. Then his wife told him, "Cook your own meal, I'm back to my hometown.”
In Mr. Xu’s opinion, his wife is sensitive and suspicious. She always refuses to attend the gatherings of her relatives in the family. She thinks that everyone will talk about her behind the scenes. In fact, the more she escapes, the more likely it is to misunderstand everyone.
The most important thing for a family to be together is to help each other. How many times can the eldest sister marry her daughter in her life? If she doesn’t go as a sister, it will make people lose face.
The conflict between the couple, through the accumulation of small things, the conflict reached the high point . Sometimes, Mr. Xu lies in bed, and his mind will recall the experiences of the two of them like a movie. The more he thinks, he becomes more angry. He turns around and sees his wife sleeping soundly, and kicks the other person under the bed.
Ms. Wang is stunned by being kicked. She doesn't know why her husband is angry. It's obvious that the two people's thoughts are not on the same channel .
03
can only get the happiness you want
Ms. Wang is a carefree person. She doesn't like socializing or being criticized. She longs to be recognized and encouraged.
But what she does cannot meet her husband's requirements. Mr. Xu is a perfectionist. He hopes that the house will be clean and tidy and hygienic to meet his own requirements. But he found that his wife cannot do it, and the more he blames, the more he resists the other party. .
So a vicious cycle formed, one dislikes and the other one resists, and the two go further and further.
It seems that the two have no principles, but in fact it exposed a big problem. Many couples will encounter such a problem, that is, different values.
What is different values?
Everyone The cognition is related to one's own experience and vision, and it forms one's own judgment of things.
Ms. Wang has always been a mother at home. Her life circle is very limited, and her understanding of beauty is also limited to her habits. She cannot understand her husband's requirements at all. Her husband hopes that the family will be cleaner, which is deliberately looking for trouble for her.
And the care she longs for is nothing in her husband's eyes It is reasonable. Mr. Xu believes that his wife does not work at home, so why can't he even do hygiene well? In this case, how can she praise her?
The two have different requirements, so it is natural to find it difficult to reach a consensus. Mr. Xu proposed several divorces, but his wife did not agree. His wife believes that he has given his youth to the family and that his husband abandoned him is not a conscience.
Anyone with a discerning eye can see that if such a marriage continues, there is no happiness to speak of. If you want to change it, you can It is not enough to rely on Ms. Wang to resist the situation alone. If she really wants to cherish her marriage, she must change herself, take the initiative to step out of the house, find a job, and demonstrate her value.
This will break the imbalance between husband and wife. Mr. Xu will also look at his wife from a different perspective. When he discovers the other person's strengths, he may change his attitude.
The profession of full-time mothers is risky, and some women After the child quit his job, thinking that he devoted himself to his family, which can be grateful to his husband.
In fact, everyone desires that his partner is evenly matched with him. If you leave society for a long time, it is only a matter of time to be abandoned.
Women must not have a dependent mentality. It is better to rely on themselves than to rely on the heaven and earth. Only when you work hard can you win the appreciation of your lover.
