In the morning, the little girl in the office talked about her recent confusion.
Some time ago, she kissed her at home, and the boy gave her a good impression.
Two people talked about it as soon as they met, and various topics seemed to be kept on the same channel, which can be said to be the same as before.
The two of them chatted from noon to afternoon that day, and had supper together, and then they parted reluctantly.
This short afternoon made their relationship progress by leaps and bounds.
The little girl once thought that this boy was sent by God to save her single dog.
As they get along more and more harmoniously, they will meet once every day afterwards.
Although the two people have never clearly expressed their preference for each other, the care in their words and the tenderness in their eyes all say everything.
Since the beginning of love, the little girl chatted with boys until the early morning almost every day, and came to work with a yawn the next day, but her face was filled with happiness.
I thought two people would talk about marriage in such sweetness, but less than two months have passed, and the relationship began to take a sharp turn.
The little girl told us that when the two of them started, they did have endless topics to talk about, and they would not feel tired at that time.
But half a month ago, the two of them suddenly lost their topics and chatted a few times from time to time. They felt it was meaningless, so they simply stopped contacting each other.
The two have been in a stalemate for half a month, and no one has proposed to break up, but no one has gone further.
The little girl is very confused now. She doesn’t know whether this relationship is suitable for her, and she doesn’t know whether the two of them have a future.
In fact, many couples have encountered similar problems. After the passionate love period, when the relationship cools down, I don’t know how to face the future?
1
Fishner's Law
In psychology, there is a noun called Fishner's Law , which refers to the difference threshold of feeling changes with the change of the original stimulus and manifests itself as a certain regularity.
In layman's terms, the stimuli we receive during the passionate love period is the same, but as time goes by, the feeling these stimuli bring to us is gradually decreasing.
In other words, the long talk a month ago and the long talk today gave us different feelings.
Maybe a month ago we would be full of expectations and excited, but now we will think that this is just a simple little thing.
so is not our feelings fading, but our feelings fading.
However, some people have refuted that the chat time between the two people has been significantly reduced. Isn’t this also an abnormality?
is indeed the case. From the previous chat to one or two in the morning, to the current conversation, there is indeed a big contrast.
However, this is an inevitable process of the evolution of feelings. It is impossible for couples and even couples to have endless topics. What the two people need is to find a point of fit in this communication process.
So in general, the fundamental reason why couples have changed their relationship after the cold love period is cooled is two points: their mentality has changed; lacking a perfect fit.
2
How to achieve balance
In close relationships, the reason why early chats feel that they are in love is actually a very important factor, that is, each other's " error tolerance rate " is very high.
Once we enter the passionate love period, it makes sense for the other party to say anything. Even if the other party shows low emotional intelligence, they can tolerate it, and even think that the other party is a little "silly and cute".
However, when the relationship enters the stabilizer, all the problems that were not exposed in the early stage become the fuse of contradiction.
So during the passionate love period, it becomes even more important to find a balance point between each other.
If two people want to find a balance, we need to start changing from three aspects:
(1) Synchronous cognitive ability
no matter how good the relationship is, it cannot be static. If the relationship can develop for a long time, continuous growth is an indispensable task for us.
In many failed emotional cases, people always struggle with a question: Why is the other party not as good to me as before? The root cause of this problem is, in addition to the "Fishner's Law" I mentioned above, one more important reason is that the speed of each other's growth can no longer be synchronized.
No matter which party is in the intimate relationship, as long as one party refuses to grow, it will become very difficult to maintain the relationship.
So in the early stage of a passionate love, the two people should talk more about their future plans and make good growth in simultaneously. This will allow each other's levels to always be on the same level.
(2) Improve emotional intelligence
High emotional intelligence is definitely a good medicine for emotional stability. With the same problem, what people with high emotional intelligence say is often easier to accept and feel happy.
On the contrary, people with low emotional intelligence may suddenly make the originally relaxed atmosphere tense in one sentence.
Improve emotional intelligence is not only important in dealing with human feelings, but also in emotions.
Before, a female fan talked to me about her relationship experience.
She and her boyfriend also met through blind dates. The relationship between the two had not made much progress. At this time, the boy kept talking to the girl about work that only he could understand.
The result was that the girl was angry and deleted the boy.
The boy also felt very wronged. He just wanted to find some topics to talk about, but he was deleted by the other party.
In fact, a boy made a very serious mistake, that is, he always focuses on "self-centeredness". The purpose of what he said was to make himself more talkative, but he ignored the girl's feelings.
A girl listens to the other party’s boastful talk like a book of heaven, and she is like a fool. How can she not be disgusted?
Improve your emotional intelligence, and when dealing with emotional problems, you will become more at ease and easily resolve conflicts in the face of them. These will lay the conditions for long-term relationship in the future.
(3) Create unforgettable memories
Couples in the passionate love period never lack memories, because this stage may be the craziest stage for two people to eat, drink and have fun together.
After this stage, the romantic activities between couples may only be limited to certain special festivals.
Since there are so many romantic rituals during the passionate love period, why do you still create unforgettable memories?
The key here is the word "unforgettable".
Eat together, watch movies together, climb mountains together, travel together, etc. These may be romantic, but they are not unforgettable. In other words, after breaking up, these are not enough to remind the other person of you.
The reason why we want to create unforgettable memories is to give each other more bonds.
After the relationship is stable, eating and watching movies may be the norm, but some activities with special significance will become a luxury.
Things that have only been done with you will become the nourishment for this relationship and nourish it to continue to grow.
3
Mentality absolute future
In fact, among many emotional problems, the reasons for the broken relationship between two people or one family are in most cases caused by mentality problems.
It can be said very precisely that mentality determines the direction of an intimate relationship.
Many couples were a little numb and excited when they first got together. In addition to the influence of hormones, there are other hormones such as oxytocin that cause us to feel strange.
But we cannot always be excited. When time goes by and hormones return to normal, we will begin to examine the true value of this relationship.
But this cannot deny the joy and happiness that this relationship brought to us in the early stage.
But a considerable number of people have thought it wrong. They hope that in this relationship, they can always gain the excitement and pleasure of the passionate love in the first place, which is simply impossible.
Love may be exciting in a specific period of time, but after the baptism of time, it will be integrated into our minds and become a part of our body.
The reason why people who are truly in love are happy together is more of a feeling, down-to-earth, security, etc., rather than tension, which stimulates these factors.
If we want to use the feeling of being in love to judge the value of a relationship, it is actually quite irrational.
Hot love is more like a warm-up before entering love, and what can really make us enter love is actually the state of getting along after the warm-up.
Conclusion:
Want to make the feeling of passionate love continue in this relationship forever, which is a tragedy.
Love needs to be evenly matched. Whether we are a good match or the three views we are talking about, we are actually pursuing a balance.
Love cannot be felt in one day or a few days. It often takes a long test to allow us to truly experience its beauty.
