"It doesn't matter if you are beaten, it's better than living alone."
This is " The Life of Matsuko, who was despised by her boyfriend " . When the protagonist Matsuko was beaten to scars all over her body by her boyfriend many times, she used the words to comfort herself.
Because she could not get enough love in childhood, Matsuko placed her life on falling in love after she became an adult. Even if she was framed, beaten, and deceived, she still did not leave the men who hurt her.
She gave and delivered desperately in love, just like she tried her best to make her father smile in childhood.
Unfortunately, she didn't realize the real reason for her pain until she died, so she could only repeat it until she died.
The most important relationships we grow up begin in our early years—they come from our teachers, mentors, friends, parents or parenting people. When we grow up, some aspects of our interpersonal relationships are often related to what we learn in childhood.
There are some parenting people who have a safe attachment style. They will show healthy behaviors to their children from the perspective of trust, vulnerability, truth and self-care; as children, we will also learn and imitate such behaviors accordingly.
On the contrary, if the parent has an insecure attachment style, the behaviors they demonstrate are more likely to inadvertently affect the formation of the child's attachment style based on their own pain.
There are a large number of studies showing that there is a correlation between how children are raised—that is, the parenting method adopted by their parents—and their probability of suffering from stress disorders or trauma-related personality disorders (such as borderline personality disorder).
The parenting method adopted by parents and the attachment style they show in parenting are affected by a variety of factors—including occasional events in the environment, genetics and potential intergenerational transmission of child abuse.
If parenting people are still fighting against their own unhealed trauma or attachment pain, they may abuse their children.
study showed that teenagers raised by parents with borderline personality disorder had experienced abuse or humiliation compared to the sample of teenagers raised by undisabled parenting.
As of these teenagers, as many as 47% of admit that the abuse they received in their early stages would also make them abuse their children.
Similarly, parents' Depression and other factors are also related to the abuse of parents, and it will increase their children's risk of depression when they grow up.
Because many factors, including individual differences, growing up in harmful parenting does not mean that we will inherit attachment trauma, nor does it mean that we will inevitably suffer from other disorders (such as borderline personality disorder) or negatively affected by relationships.
1. What is attachment trauma?
Simply put, trauma is defined as the experience that causes severe emotional pain that our natural resilience and ability cannot cope with.
During the growth of children, the connection between parents and children has breakage , and trauma occurs in attachment.
This is usually associated with neglect, abuse, emotional loss or abandonment of in parent. For example, parents may be distracted by work and forget to cover their children with a quilt at night; or parents may scold their children because their children disturb their work.
One break after another occurs, but it is not repaired. This often makes children feel confused, angry, ignored and abandoned .
Finally, without social support, children's sense of self-identity is impaired, which often makes them prone to similar trauma patterns in their intimate relationships as adults.
If there is an security base between the parent and the child, then the breakage of attachment can usually be repaired and corrected. This will be an opportunity for both parents and children to be taught, and the connection between parents and children may be stronger after that.
2. Attachment trauma and our adult self
If we have experienced attachment trauma, it will leave an indelible mark.
attachment style has been formed before the age of three, and is usually relatively stable, so how we attach to others in life will follow a stable pattern.
We may not realize that unmet emotional needs are unconsciously guiding behavior, but in adult relationship patterns, we may be able to see these needs.
When self-awareness is incomplete, we cannot figure out "who am I?" based on it. If we don’t know who we are, we have the potential to repeat those attachment pains in adult relationships.
We may jump from one relationship to another impulsively, trying to "find" ourselves.
We may have had turbulent friendships, changing hobbies, or interest as we please.
Although the reproduction of these traumas is usually unconscious, the more they are not repaired, the more this reproduction will damage self-awareness.
III. Traumatic connection ("push-pull relationship")
Unresolved childhood attachment trauma often manifests as the following themes in adult relationships:
- "Traumatic connection"
- Compulsive repetition of unresolved core trauma
psychiatrist, researcher and trauma educator Bessel van der (Bessel van der (Bessel van der (Bessel van der (Bessel van der ) Kolk explained:
"Many traumatized people seem to forcefully expose themselves to environments that remind them of the original trauma."
Therefore, we often tend to stay in environments that make ourselves feel comfortable and familiar, even if they continue our trauma .
For example, we may have been constantly "chasing" in relationships, a behavioral pattern that is usually associated with attachment trauma and fear of abandonment.
In this pattern, we find ourselves being pulled into a relationship ("chasing") to avoid loneliness. These relationships may develop very quickly and have a cycle of " idealization—deprecating ".
Similarly, we may feel bored or bored for a long time, and may also need to push or "escape" the intimate relationship - because intimacy can have a sense of coercion.
Or, in a relationship, we may also be swaying between pulling and pushing away, mainly because we want to connect but are afraid of connecting at the same time.
In the treatment of attachment trauma, it is important to remember our behavior patterns—even if they are not adaptable to the environment now—but play an important role in the early stages of our lives.
If our behavior patterns are no longer healthy as adults, it is also important to recognize where they come from, why, and how to create healthier patterns in our relationships.
End
Author | Wang Li (183)
Proofreading | A cup of coffee English psychology compilation team Wind chime
Edit | A cup of coffee All-media editorial department editor Luo Sansui
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