Author: wild child
counselor practitioners nine years, I received a lot of cases of juvenile delinquency. Children have bad behaviors, and different ages have different performances. For example, elementary school students may not be interested in learning, do small movements in class, do homework slowly, do not abide by classroom discipline, etc.; middle school students often show weariness, test anxiety, Internet addiction, early love, rebellion, confrontation with parents, and even running away from home and other inappropriate behaviors, these behaviors will affect the child to complete his main task-learning. Parents are often helpless and anxious in the face of such problems. The causes of these problematic behaviors are often not formed solely, and the parents may have tried various methods both soft and hard to fail.
What should parents do when facing children with behavioral problems? In fact, as long as parents do these two points well, children's behavior problems can be improved and gradually corrected.
1. Let go of control and return the initiative to the child
I remember watching a documentary many years ago that tells the story of mother fox. Mother fox gave birth to four little foxes. Mother fox takes good care of the children. In addition to taking care of the life of the little foxes, her mother also takes them to hunt together every day, training them to run, avoid beasts and recognize traps. The four little foxes grew up like this day by day. Suddenly one day, the mother fox made a move that caught the little foxes off guard: she drove the four little foxes out of the cave, guarded the cave, refused to return home.
The little foxes didn’t know why their mother suddenly refused them to go home, so they forced to get into the hole again and again, and the mother pushed them out again and again. After so many times, the mother fox finally got angry and began to tear them mercilessly. Bite them. In desperation, the four little foxes had to leave their mother reluctantly, and each stepped into the vast forest.
Why does mother fox do this? Because only in this way, let the little foxes leave their mother's shelter, they can learn to live independently, and they can live on their own after their mother is old or dead and can no longer shelter them.
There is a saying in the book "Let Your Child Grow Freely"-As parents, we should establish this concept: Growth means that the distance between children and their parents is increasing. The farther the distance, the better the children will grow up.
To make children become talents, parents should learn like fox mothers. Parents with mental health are able to leave enough space between their children and themselves for their children to grow up freely. The way parents help their children is to keep helping and letting go. Only in this way can the child be cultivated to have the spirit of independence and self-responsibility, and will be able to deal with the various problems faced in his life. This is the greatest expectation of each of our parents for their children. What is the appropriate approach to expectation like
? That is, when the child cannot do anything, we do everything for him; when the child can do something, we no longer do what he can for him; when the child can do everything, we don’t do anything for him. He does anything.
Parents may wish to think about this: Is learning a matter for children or for parents? Of course it is the child's own business! However, many parents frequently cross the line in their children’s affairs. First grade children have just entered elementary school. They need to adapt to various aspects and lack literacy. Therefore, he may not understand many questions by himself. Parents should be accompanied appropriately to help children understand the problems. Is appropriate. But if your child is in third grade or even in middle school, you still keep your eyes on him, including helping him organize his schoolbags, checking his homework, and urging him to do his homework over and over again. Pay attention to the writing posture... This is part of depriving the child. Autonomy of learning. Children will not really build up the concept of "learning is my own business" in their hearts. He doesn't think this is his own business, so he will not be solely responsible for his study. Many children with problem behaviors will also use the degree of parental care about his learning to threaten parents and make conditions. Because he thinks learning is for parents.
There was a video on the Internet last year: In the video, a middle-aged mother could not kneel outside, begging for a 10-year-old child. This child is not someone else, but her son! The reason for this mother to kneel was simple, begging her child not to drop out of school. In consideration of the future of the child, the mother worked hard to persuade her to prevent her from dropping out. The child said: "If you kneel down, I can consider it." As a result, the mother really gave herselfHis son knelt down. Looking at the kneeling mother, the son was not moved at all, but continued to play with his mobile phone with his legs up. He also took a picture of his mother kneeling down and sent it triumphantly to his QQ space, and wrote "Happy every day."
This mother begged her child to go to school in such a humble way, which makes people really sad! When we condemn the child for being ignorant and ruthless, we might as well reflect: This mother regards the child's affairs as her own. It is her greatest anxiety, and has the effect of doing so met her expectations? Obviously not.
If she learns to let go and let her child know how to take responsibility for her own affairs and her own future, I think her child will have the opportunity to think about it: What should I do in the future? If this child is an orphan and does not have parents to take care of him, even if he is not going to school, should he think about it, what shall I do tomorrow? What will I have for next meal?
I once did a case of a senior middle school student who was addicted to games and did not go to school. The child did not want to come to the consultation room. I told his parents that it does not matter if the child does not come. Your parents come first to see if a solution can be found. After the child’s parents came to the consultation room, they told me the general situation of the child: This boy was advised by the head teacher to study art in his second year of high school, but he refused, insisting that the college entrance examination only depends on cultural classes. The head teacher is a math teacher. Once the boy's math test scores were not satisfactory, the head teacher took the opportunity to criticize him: As far as your current grades are concerned, you can't even pass the college exams based on cultural classes alone! The child felt humiliated. After the summer vacation of the second year of high school, he studied hard at home, thinking about the first exam in the third year of high school. However, when the third year of high school started, he did not achieve his expected ideal score in the test, so he stopped going to school and played games at home every day. Parents are too anxious, both hard and soft, to no avail. Talking about going to school will arouse strong emotions in children, yelling at parents and smashing things. In the consultation room, the child’s mother shed tears as she talked about it. She said: The child used to be very motivated. Why is it so degenerate now?
I asked this mother, are you very anxious now? She answered yes, and I said, do you think the child is anxious? She said that if he is anxious, why is he still addicted to games every day? I said: You feel you are very anxious, but your child's anxiety may be 10 times that of you. Because you only worry about your child's future, what should you do, but in addition to worrying about his own future, your child will also worry about how his classmates think about him? How does the teacher who humiliated him think of him? How to deal with parents' emotions? It is precisely because of the high anxiety that he evaded to paralyze himself in the game and let himself not think about these things. So you parents, you should see your child’s anxiety at this time, and relieve him of pressure, just like deflating a balloon that is about to burst, telling the child that he has a kind heart, a good character, and three views. The child (this is the parents' evaluation of the child), will live well in the future. There is more than one way to success. Your parents will support you whatever way you want to go! We know that you are under a lot of pressure right now, it doesn't matter, you adjust according to your own pace and method, and you need to do what mom and dad do, just say it and see what we can help you.
After this consultation, the parents reported that the child’s time for playing games has been reduced. The parents visited the consultation room twice to give the child more acceptance and support. Later the child successfully participated in the college entrance examination, and his mother ended the child’s college entrance examination. After calling me, she said that the teacher and our family are very grateful to you, no matter what grades the child gets in the exam or what school he can go to, we don't care, because the child is finally back on track.
This is a case of returning rights to a child. When a child feels that his parents no longer arrange his life, he can slowly think about his future and learn to be responsible for himself. On the contrary, the more parents control too much, the less the children will be responsible for themselves. Most of the parents who can't let go of control have imposed their anxiety about survival and unrealized ideals on their children. Parents seem to believe that "the child will definitely be stronger than me in the future", but they do not really trust their children to have the ability to self-adjust and grow. Behind the distrust, it is also because of the parents' own narcissism that they always feel that their own life experience can guide their children, so that they can avoid detours. The best shortcut for children to succeed is to arrange and plan by themselves. But is that the case? And do not question whether the parents themselves have reached the "success" standards that they expect their children to achieve. The times are constantly evolving. Does the successful experience of the previous generation really apply to the children's era?
The first step in letting go of control is to let go of narcissism.Then let go of authority.
Many parents think that their children are born by themselves, so they have to listen to me. I beat and scold you for your own good. If you don’t listen, you are ignorant. If you resist, you will be rebellious and never give your children equality and respect.
Children are weak and unable to resist when they are young, but if they reach puberty, they will be like a spring. The more pressure you put on, the more he rebounds. Many children will rebel, confrontation, and even violent conflicts with their parents.
Let go of authority, parents must learn to treat their children equally, respect their children’s personality, take into account his face and self-esteem, and not arbitrarily scold, humiliate, or demean children, and give him the right to choose. Only he himself has the right to control a child's life. Rugged or flat is his own choice. Living out of himself is the greatest meaning of each life in this world.
2. Learn to communicate, parents’ suggestions are effective.
When a child shows behavior, it may also be the time when the parent talks to the child the most, but how much does the child really receive? Or how much is the purpose of the parent's communication achieved? The results of some dialogues are often invalid, or even run counter to the original purpose, and arouse greater and more intense conflicts. Such communication is invalid. The reason why communication is ineffective is that parents may have overlooked a lot of things in the process of communicating and communicating with their children and failed to use reasonable methods. I have summarized four effective communication methods. Parents can try them in the next communication with their children.
1. Control emotions and communicate with an equal and respectful attitude.
Parents are anxious and angry because of their children’s behavioral problems when they travel. If they can’t help themselves, they begin to criticize their children. This is just to vent the parents’ emotions and cannot achieve the purpose of communication. Parents blatantly criticizing their children will reduce or even lose their sense of intrinsic value. He will feel that he is useless in the eyes of his parents, and then he may give up on himself and embark on a less positive path. Therefore, the attitude of communication is very important. When children grow up with behavior problems, we must calmly and accompany the children to face them. The more peaceful the parents are, the more helpful the children's adjustment.
Parents can ask their children in a negotiated tone: "I want to hear the reason for this problem. Can you tell us?" "We are not very clear about your thoughts. Can you tell us more specifically." We want to know your own views on this matter, can you talk to us?" In this way, the child can tell his true inner thoughts and let the communication continue.
2, learn to listen first, and then accept empathy
When a child says "I just can't learn", "I just can't control to play games", when listening to the child tell the reason, don't judge, "You are lazy", "Who doesn't study hard?"... These words can only make the child's desire to close communication, arouse resentment and resistance, and will not have a good communication effect. The timely empathy and acceptance of parents may give children the power to face difficulties. "I know this is not easy for you", "I see you are also trying to control", "What do you think we can do to help you?" These words can make the child feel that there is a huge However, he is not alone. His parents are trying to solve the problems with him, so he can have the courage to learn to face it instead of avoiding it.
3. Use a discussing tone to make suggestions
When a child has behavior problems, the most sensible way for parents to do is to study besides anxiety and anger. You may not be professional enough, so you need to learn professional methods from professional teachers. I have been working as a parent without a certificate for so many years. When a child has a problem, it also gives the parent a chance to grow up, listen to expert advice, learn time management methods, and then give the child useful suggestions. When you make a suggestion, you can say "I learned some methods from a teacher. Let's try them together and see if we can help you?" "You know the methods and adjust them at your own pace. We will slowly Come, give it a try."
4. Amplify the advantages and enhance the child's inner positive motivation
. When communicating, you can praise the child's recent good performance in a timely manner, the more specific the better. For example, if a child’s mobile phone time is reduced, he can say: "I see that you have not spent more than three hours playing on a mobile phone for three consecutive days. I know you are trying to control yourself. This requires willpower. Your child is great!" For example, if the child is practicing calligraphy, you can take it over and write it in a mess, but one of the characters is written well. At this time, if the parent only criticizes and demands, "Look at what you write.What? Like a worm, I will practice ten more today! "This will definitely discourage children's enthusiasm to continue to practice calligraphy. If we say, "Hey, this mountain character is well written, horizontally and upright, continue to work hard, I believe you will be able to write all the characters so well soon!" "When the child's every bit of effort is seen by the parents, it will strengthen his inner positive motivation, and he is willing to continue to face difficulties and strive for a better direction. This is "positive reinforcement."
Conclusion
Cai Yuanpei Mr. once said: "The family is the first school in life. "Parents are the children's first teachers. Family education accompanies one's life, affects one's life, and is vital to a person's growth and success. Therefore, educators say: Parents study hard and children make progress every day. Every child With the motivation for upward growth, parents can learn more scientific education methods to make their children grow up healthily and happily.
Children’s physical and mental health is the best future. Encourage parents all over the world!
