[Mind Education Space] Worried that criticism will cause harm to children? Try this little method

to get together with friends on weekends. They are all mothers, and the topic is naturally inseparable from parenting. My friend

is a good mother who pays great attention to her children's mental health. She said that she was very depressed when she read the news recently. Now her children jump off the building at every turn, making herself afraid to criticize her children now. When the child is too old, the child slams the door shut. You still worry about the child not to overreact; don’t say it, look at the bear child and get angry, hold a fire in his heart, and don’t know when it will erupt.

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criticized the child about this matter, how to handle it, the artistry is actually quite high. After all, criticism is a form of hostile communication between parents and children. Parents are above all, and it is related to the value of the child. Although many parents, including myself, use words and sentences when criticizing their children, they will be very careful and restrained, but sometimes what they say will hurt their children.

"If you can watch less of your cell phone, you will do better in the test and surpass XX." (The child will be very wronged, I have worked very hard, you still think that other people’s children are good...)

"I know you are very I like painting, but you have spent 8 years on Guzheng, and you have won a lot of awards. It’s a shame to give up.” (Children will be very angry and always let me do things according to your preferences...)

When the above words are said, the hidden meaning behind it is "not good enough". The message conveyed is that the child does not like it, and the child will usually be unhappy or skipped after hearing it. We can express our disappointment and dissatisfaction with the child's behavior, or say "no" to the child, but only for the child's behavior or choice, not the child himself. For example, if a child hits other children and refuses to apologize, we can say "Mom is very disappointed and unhappy for the behavior of not apologizing for you hitting someone", but saying "I don't like a child like you" will make the child fall into In a state of emotional confusion, children will have doubts that "mother doesn't love me anymore, I'm not a good boy".

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We always hope that our children will become better, and we hope that our children are as good as the children of others. Maybe some children can achieve it under "spur", but the children's self-awareness will be impaired, the children will think that they are not worthy of being loved and accepted, and they will develop feelings of hatred in their hearts, which is particularly bad for children. Studies have shown that some teenagers may experience depression, self-harm, and suicidal behavior, many of which are related to the fact that children are always criticized and devalued by their parents.

Correcting children is a very important and necessary part of raising children. But the principle of correction is to do things and not people. For example, because the child is not well prepared and has poor test results, we might as well correct him like this:

A bear the consequences. "We said before, but the test is not good, we can only watch the mobile phone on weekends, other time to study."

B help children find reasons. We can first listen to the child say, “You usually do your homework well and master the content well. Why did you fail the exam this time? Do you need help from your mother?”

C expressed disappointment with the child’s learning status. "I know you have to work harder, and you will do better in the test. If you want to do well in the test, you have to work harder. The score is yours. Next time you want to work harder, you can decide by yourself." We can also ignore

Children, show that they don’t care about their scores, but don’t give them a feeling of indifference. Supervise your child's homework as usual, and the child will work hard to compete. A more hurtful way of saying that is "I knew you would fail in the exam. I usually watch mobile games and play games..." This way, not only can't solve the problem, but it will make the child feel that he is defective and break the jar.

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How to criticize children so that they will not hurt them, there is a small way, is to listen to what you say to yourself. For example, in response to small mistakes in your work, you will use a harsh and critical attitude to say that you are "not capable, you are really an idiot", or use a gentle attitude to relieve yourself. "After a busy day, no matter how good the cook is, the best cook will also fight the bowl." "? It's the same with criticizing children. Put yourself and think about it, tell yourself what you want to say to your children, rehearse it, and see how you feel. If you feel hurt to your self-esteem, then switch to a softer language and a more relaxed tone. An approach like

requires our parents to have a certain amount of patience and more training. It feels a bit troublesome at first, but after getting familiar with it, you can do it freely. This is a challenge for our parents. In order to protect our children, we work hard together!

author: Li Fenfen

"psychological issue" magazine editorial director

senior editor parents and children, two baby's mother

in the process of raising a child, you have any parenting experience and knowledge; or you have a kind of personal growth story; or you If you read any parenting books recently, you can also send us the notes of the open book. Welcome to pictures and texts. Articles supported by psychological theories are more popular. The word count is more than 800 words, and about 1000 words is the best. Once the manuscript is accepted, the remuneration is favorable.

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