In our house, although yelling at children is not common, it is definitely not a 0-probability event.
But have you ever thought about it? Why do we still can’t help getting angry even though we know that it’s not good to yell at the child?
PART1 Why can't I help but yell at the child
1. Because children always make things contrary to our wishes
- Just after dragging the tired body, the child sprinkled a lot of water on the ground again?
- It was almost 10 o'clock, and the little boy was still playing with the car excitedly, but he just refused to go to bed?
- Just packed up toys, and in a blink of an eye, I have tossed over this pile, which one?
- complementary foods that have been made with great effort, but the child refuses to eat them no matter what he says?
- …
For reasons similar, I think everyone who is a mother can list 100 items.
looks varied on the surface, but in fact, the underlying logic is only one:
We clearly hope that he will do/don't do this, but they just make things contrary to our wishes.
Let anyone do nothing, and the people who don’t let do everything do it...
And every rebellion of a child and every time he releases negative emotions, it almost makes people feel extremely disappointed.
If we catch up with ourselves a little unhappy, the outbreak will naturally become a matter of a moment.
The famous relationship psychologist John Gottman calls this model "emotional flooding."
was in a bad mood, but encountering this kind of feeling pattern again is like adding fuel to the fire, making it difficult for people to think rationally, and their ability to solve problems will also decrease, which will eventually lead to emotional outbursts.
For example: yell at the kid.
2. Roar is really useful
In addition to this, there is another reason - Roar is really useful!
The author of the best-selling parenting book "How to Say Children to Listen", American parenting expert Adele Faber once said:
When parents seriously increase the volume appropriately to describe problems, children can focus on the problems that occur.
can also be seen from the frequency of old mothers using "roar". Although this method is not good, the effect is actually OK.
Otherwise, how can old mothers in the country achieve unity?
Although every mother can't help but yell at the child, the regret and self-blame after yelling are almost the same.
After all, the little kids are so cute
However, we don’t need to blame ourselves too much.
is honest. In the first few years when I was a mother, I was also very careful about "roaring at the baby". I wish I could silently recite it in my heart every day before going to bed and before eating. I should be gentle, empathetic, suppress the fire, and don't yell with my children...
However, the fact is that when something happens, it doesn't work at all.
Moreover, I have been in a vicious cycle of yelling at the baby - regretting it - yelling at the baby again - regretting it again.
In fact, if you think about it now, that period of time has no meaning except internal consumption.
Everyone has their temper. When the fire comes, the words are already on the lips, and few people can swallow them back immediately.
has been used for twenty or thirty years and has been engraved in my bones. How could it be that suddenly change just because there is a little life around me~
figured this out and felt relieved.
In fact, the regret after yelling at the baby must be the mothers' fear of scaring their children or causing bad effects on them.
Although yelling at the baby is not good, of course it will not be recommended, but in fact, the baby is not as fragile as we imagined, and will not have psychological problems because of being yelled occasionally.
Moreover, there are also studies that "roaring" children scientifically also has positive significance. The conclusion of
was published in Journal of Family Psychology in 2016.
This study analyzed the data of 284 mothers and children.
results show that if the mother shows negative emotions to the child because of improper behavior, it will have little impact on the child and can help the child realize the behavior problems.
For example:
You broke the cup because you were too excited to play;
You stomped the ground that your mother had just wiped clean...
But if you express disgust to the child himself, or yell at the child as a punching bag, this will affect the child's emotional management and social ability.
For example:
Why are you so stupid?
is not obedient at all, not a good child;
Why can't you do anything well...
So, although yelling is not a good way to communicate and solve problems, as long as you pay attention to the way of yelling, children cannot listen to a harsh word.
is not that we can’t yell, the key is how we yell.
PART2 Methods to shout for children
We mentioned in previous articles about shouting for children that frequent shouting for children can easily cause "acquired helplessness" in children.
However, Professor Seligman , the father of positive psychology, has also proposed this concept that is relative to it - learnt optimism!
is just a common saying that no matter what problems a child encounters, he can consider it in a positive direction, and dare to try, change, and be optimistic.
Seeing this, someone must have said: What does this have to do with yelling at the kids?
really exists.
The correct way to yell at children is actually a way to guide children to learn optimism.
It is not difficult to have this effect, just remember one thing: is about the facts and the matter is !
only discusses what he is doing now, not bringing up old accounts or evaluating people.
For example: Children are littering building blocks at home, throwing them all over the floor.
Must not blame the child like this:
throw it every day and you will know how to throw it around. Last time I broke the thing. I told you how many times!
Why are you so unbearable and don’t listen to anything!
This passage becomes in the ears of children: I am not right in everything I do, I always do this, I am not an obedient and good child...
However, in fact, the fundamental reason why children are upset about building blocks is that this thing is not used to throw it around.
You can try "just the matter":
You see you throw the building blocks everywhere, and you messed up the living room that my mother had just finished tidying up, or you can help her clean up the living room again;
The sound of building blocks falling to the ground is very loud. You will disturb the neighbors downstairs like this, or you can throw them away with something softer and lighter.
The message to the child is: It’s not that you are bad, but that you are not good at this, why is this bad at this, how can you do it better?
"roaring" the child like this, even if the voice is louder, it doesn’t matter.
But the child is still young after all, and the tone will increase by chance will definitely make the child feel more or less scared, so it is best not to forget to clean up the mess after "roaring".
PART3 What should I do after I shouted at the child?
1. Apologize to the child in time and explain why he shouted
No one can control his emotions at all times. No matter how much methodology you master, it may fall apart in an instant.
For example:
Once, I was communicating with the publishing house while rushing to the manuscript. I was so busy that I was dizzy when I heard the balcony "clang" sounds twice. When I went over, I found that DD was "watering flowers" by himself while my grandma was using the gap between her toilet, making the water everywhere, and her pants were wet.
Seeing this scene, I was so angry that I was so angry that I couldn't help but yelling at him!
But I regretted it immediately after shouting. When a 1 and a half year old kid likes to do something and explore everywhere, it is normal for me to make it happen everywhere.
I quickly realized my problem and quickly apologized to DD:
Mom shouldn't have raped you just now, but Mom was really busy just now. You see that you got your clothes wet again, and Mom had to change them for you, so Mom would be even busier, so Mom was in a bad mood for an instant.
We cannot be perfect parents, but at least we are willing to be parents who dare to admit their mistakes.
2. Go deeper into this incident and agree with your child to solve the problem
You can try using ABC method to sort out the process of the incident with your child.
Antecedented(anterior cause)
Behaviour(behaviour)
Consequence (Result)
Or use the previous example of sprinkling water:
Mom was really busy just now. You see that you got your clothes wet again, and my mother had to help you change it, so my mother was even busier (The cause of the matter) ;
Mom was in a bad mood for a moment (performance/behavior) ;
is abusive to you (result) ;
Although children are young, their minds are very delicate. As long as you say patiently, be willing to express, and tell the children why they are angry, they will empathize and understand the mother's difficulties.
can also let the child know more clearly: it turns out that this is because of this.
Of course, I also need to give my children a chance to explain
For example:
DD just wanted to help water the flowers, because there was too much water in the flower pot and I couldn't handle it, so I accidentally wet my clothes.
Of course, the most important thing is to agree with your child to solve the problem:
For example:
Next time you want to water the flowers, the next time you want to water the flowers;
or you can ask the adults to pour it together with you;
…
Older children can also guide their children to think about solutions.
Finally, you can also make a small signal with your child:
Our family is, if I am very excited and I am about to yell, the children will do "shhhhh".
No matter how angry I am at the moment, I will force myself to pause for a moment when I see this signal.
realizes that I am about to overheat, so it will be less difficult to collect!
C Mom said: Now, there are really too many articles about emotional management. I believe that mothers are also well aware of the importance of emotional management. However, after all, is still an ordinary person after all. You can't yell at the baby's string, and there is no need to keep tense up so tightly. When you are emotional, you yell once or twice, and there is no problem. There is no need to blame or regret too much. Being a mother is already very tired. Just try your best to do your best in your emotional matters. Don’t be too harsh on yourself! After all, we always have to be ourselves first, and we are XX's mother!
