CCTV.com "People" column once launched a recording activity on " Don't Talk Well ".
solicited "What did the family say to you and hurt you" . Then in one night, I received nearly 600 copies of feedback, with a total of more than 100,000 words, and its popularity was astonishing.
Common catchphrases for Chinese parents:
"Why are you so stupid? Are you a pig?"
"I'm doing it for your own good!"
"What else do you do besides eating? Nothing can do, eating is the best!"
"You have flour on your left brain and water on your right brain. Do you start to become a paste as soon as you do your homework?"
"Are you a candle? It burns at a moment?"
"It's all right, and you still don't sleep!" "Hurry up! Why are you slowing down?"
"You are going to piss me to death, right?"
"Look at other people's children, why don't you? Why are you so stupid!"
"You are a child, what do you know?"
"I am my child, when is it my turn to apologize?"
etc
Many times, there are some words that can be said very gently, but parents are always used to expressing them in a rhetorical tone, a commanding tone, a mockery tone, and a suppressive tone.
obviously cares about the child's physical health and academic performance, but he always speaks some reproachful words.
Don’t speak well , or say the opposite, or you habitually express it with derogatory, negative, or some sarcastic remarks. It seems that it has become a daily stubborn disease of many Chinese families.
Let’s take a look at the comments from some netizens who participated in the event :
Some netizens commented, “People always use the word “knife mouth and beans and beans” to conceal some evil words and tongues, which often leads to a sense of physiological discomfort.”
Some netizens left messages saying, "Don't speak well, it is actually a kind of language violence . It often comes from the closest person, and the one who hurts the most is the people around you."
Some netizens left messages saying, "In recent years, my mother has always blamed me for not talking to her. It is not like other people's mother and daughter talking a lot. Then I told her that you would be immediately retorted by you when you do anything, and you would deny it by you no matter what you do? Then I always say that others are much better than me? You see, you are useless and wait?" So, I don't want to feel uncomfortable, so I don't want to chat with you.
So why can’t adults speak well?
[Breeze] First: Parents only regard their children as children, and do not think that their children are also an independent individual , so they do not think that their words will cause harm to their children.
The well-known psychologist Yang Jin There is a book called " Squat down and talk to children "
The book says that Everyone is an independent individual with a free thought. If we want to understand children, we must stand from the perspective of children.
If we want to understand the child, we should squat down and narrow the distance with the child. If you always face your children standing, then the distance between parents and children is not only the difference in height, but also the distance between generations, the distance between a heart. Squatting down to communicate with children is a great concern and understanding for children, and it is a kind of care that children can accept; squatting down to communicate with children, and the distance between children will be shortened; squatting down to communicate with children is a manifestation of parents' care for the inner world of children; squatting down to communicate with children creates a democratic and harmonious atmosphere. Only by squatting down can parents look at their children in a straight face, get the opportunity to communicate with their children, and truly understand what their children think and their real motivation for their behavior.
We often see in news reports that noble like Prince William has been photographed many times, and he squatted down to speak to his son.
Recently, some netizens posted a video, roughly telling that because he couldn't figure out why his children liked to let him hug him every time he went to the mall. So he installed a camera on his child and recorded a video of him taking his child to the mall.
From the video content, you can see that the children see in their sights, all of them are cargo racks, trolleys, wheels, or adults’ big feet and thighs. It just depends on the fruits and colorful snacks on the shelves, so he always wants his father to hold .
So we can see that because of different angles, what children can see is not necessarily the world we see in our eyes.
Swiss educator Fisteloc once said that parents squat down to talk to their children, which not only brings a physical distance to their children, but also brings a psychological distance to their children.
Parents should put down an authoritative airing and communicate with their children with a attitude of respecting independent individuals, just like treating friends. This attitude not only makes children feel respected and recognized, but also makes children have more self-confidence.
So squat down to ensure an equal attitude with the child, and will reach a empathy with the child to the greatest extent, so that the child can understand, understand what is wrong with his behavior, and work harder to correct it more actively.
[Breeze] Second: We always don’t pay attention to the tone of our speech, and the tone of our speech
is in the popular variety show " Where to go to Dad ? 》, there is a very popular picture.
Among them, Jordan Chan's son Jasper, his character is soft and gentle, and he is often called Xiaomian Yang by netizens, and he is likable. His father Chen Xiaochun is very impatient and will automatically speak loudly.
During an event, because his movements are always slow, his father Chen Xiaochun is impatient, so sometimes his tone is fierce or irritable.
When he saw his son slow, he shouted, "Hey, Hurry up!" .
This not only scared Xiaoxiaochun , but also scared the audience outside the screen. Everyone thought dad was about to explode.
But Xiao Xiaochun asked in a humble tone, "what's wrong with you ?", Chen Xiaochun didn't hear it clearly, and the little guy picked up the loudspeaker and said, "can you stop angry now?" I don’t know how many viewers have become cute in ’s move.
So, as a parent, when communicating with children, you must learn to control your emotions and remember to yell when talking to your children.
55387 Law:
was proposed by American psychologist and communication scientist Albert Merabian. It was first used in workplace training and was later applied to family education . This law is a law of interpersonal communication.
The law believes that in interpersonal communication, what is actually effective is that 55% refers to a person's attitude, body language, facial expressions and movements when speaking; 38% refers to the tone and tone of speaking; 7% is the content of speaking, that is, 55%+38%+7%=100%.
So, sometimes when we express something, these attitudes, expressions, appearances, tone, tone, etc. outside the language can help convey information more than the content itself.
Child psychologists have also put forward a point of view, that is, children are a captive of emotions,
, that is, children are particularly good at capturing emotions. If they find that parents are particularly impatient in speaking, and like to blame, complain, etc., they will take these emotions for themselves and then fight with their parents with these emotions.
CCTV.com "People" column once launched a recording activity on " Don't Talk Well ".
solicited "What did the family say to you and hurt you" . Then in one night, I received nearly 600 copies of feedback, with a total of more than 100,000 words, and its popularity was astonishing.
Common catchphrases for Chinese parents:
"Why are you so stupid? Are you a pig?"
"I'm doing it for your own good!"
"What else do you do besides eating? Nothing can do, eating is the best!"
"You have flour on your left brain and water on your right brain. Do you start to become a paste as soon as you do your homework?"
"Are you a candle? It burns at a moment?"
"It's all right, and you still don't sleep!" "Hurry up! Why are you slowing down?"
"You are going to piss me to death, right?"
"Look at other people's children, why don't you? Why are you so stupid!"
"You are a child, what do you know?"
"I am my child, when is it my turn to apologize?"
etc
Many times, there are some words that can be said very gently, but parents are always used to expressing them in a rhetorical tone, a commanding tone, a mockery tone, and a suppressive tone.
obviously cares about the child's physical health and academic performance, but he always speaks some reproachful words.
Don’t speak well , or say the opposite, or you habitually express it with derogatory, negative, or some sarcastic remarks. It seems that it has become a daily stubborn disease of many Chinese families.
Let’s take a look at the comments from some netizens who participated in the event :
Some netizens commented, “People always use the word “knife mouth and beans and beans” to conceal some evil words and tongues, which often leads to a sense of physiological discomfort.”
Some netizens left messages saying, "Don't speak well, it is actually a kind of language violence . It often comes from the closest person, and the one who hurts the most is the people around you."
Some netizens left messages saying, "In recent years, my mother has always blamed me for not talking to her. It is not like other people's mother and daughter talking a lot. Then I told her that you would be immediately retorted by you when you do anything, and you would deny it by you no matter what you do? Then I always say that others are much better than me? You see, you are useless and wait?" So, I don't want to feel uncomfortable, so I don't want to chat with you.
So why can’t adults speak well?
[Breeze] First: Parents only regard their children as children, and do not think that their children are also an independent individual , so they do not think that their words will cause harm to their children.
The well-known psychologist Yang Jin There is a book called " Squat down and talk to children "
The book says that Everyone is an independent individual with a free thought. If we want to understand children, we must stand from the perspective of children.
If we want to understand the child, we should squat down and narrow the distance with the child. If you always face your children standing, then the distance between parents and children is not only the difference in height, but also the distance between generations, the distance between a heart. Squatting down to communicate with children is a great concern and understanding for children, and it is a kind of care that children can accept; squatting down to communicate with children, and the distance between children will be shortened; squatting down to communicate with children is a manifestation of parents' care for the inner world of children; squatting down to communicate with children creates a democratic and harmonious atmosphere. Only by squatting down can parents look at their children in a straight face, get the opportunity to communicate with their children, and truly understand what their children think and their real motivation for their behavior.
We often see in news reports that noble like Prince William has been photographed many times, and he squatted down to speak to his son.
Recently, some netizens posted a video, roughly telling that because he couldn't figure out why his children liked to let him hug him every time he went to the mall. So he installed a camera on his child and recorded a video of him taking his child to the mall.
From the video content, you can see that the children see in their sights, all of them are cargo racks, trolleys, wheels, or adults’ big feet and thighs. It just depends on the fruits and colorful snacks on the shelves, so he always wants his father to hold .
So we can see that because of different angles, what children can see is not necessarily the world we see in our eyes.
Swiss educator Fisteloc once said that parents squat down to talk to their children, which not only brings a physical distance to their children, but also brings a psychological distance to their children.
Parents should put down an authoritative airing and communicate with their children with a attitude of respecting independent individuals, just like treating friends. This attitude not only makes children feel respected and recognized, but also makes children have more self-confidence.
So squat down to ensure an equal attitude with the child, and will reach a empathy with the child to the greatest extent, so that the child can understand, understand what is wrong with his behavior, and work harder to correct it more actively.
[Breeze] Second: We always don’t pay attention to the tone of our speech, and the tone of our speech
is in the popular variety show " Where to go to Dad ? 》, there is a very popular picture.
Among them, Jordan Chan's son Jasper, his character is soft and gentle, and he is often called Xiaomian Yang by netizens, and he is likable. His father Chen Xiaochun is very impatient and will automatically speak loudly.
During an event, because his movements are always slow, his father Chen Xiaochun is impatient, so sometimes his tone is fierce or irritable.
When he saw his son slow, he shouted, "Hey, Hurry up!" .
This not only scared Xiaoxiaochun , but also scared the audience outside the screen. Everyone thought dad was about to explode.
But Xiao Xiaochun asked in a humble tone, "what's wrong with you ?", Chen Xiaochun didn't hear it clearly, and the little guy picked up the loudspeaker and said, "can you stop angry now?" I don’t know how many viewers have become cute in ’s move.
So, as a parent, when communicating with children, you must learn to control your emotions and remember to yell when talking to your children.
55387 Law:
was proposed by American psychologist and communication scientist Albert Merabian. It was first used in workplace training and was later applied to family education . This law is a law of interpersonal communication.
The law believes that in interpersonal communication, what is actually effective is that 55% refers to a person's attitude, body language, facial expressions and movements when speaking; 38% refers to the tone and tone of speaking; 7% is the content of speaking, that is, 55%+38%+7%=100%.
So, sometimes when we express something, these attitudes, expressions, appearances, tone, tone, etc. outside the language can help convey information more than the content itself.
Child psychologists have also put forward a point of view, that is, children are a captive of emotions,
, that is, children are particularly good at capturing emotions. If they find that parents are particularly impatient in speaking, and like to blame, complain, etc., they will take these emotions for themselves and then fight with their parents with these emotions.
[Breeze] Third: We always take turns to use multiple violent communication methods without knowing it!
Chinese parents cannot escape the following communication methods:
The first type of - is to suppress
for example, "You see, you can't study, your attitude, your attitude is not good, you can't do anything!"
expression will give people the hint that you can't do, you are not good, you can't do anything you can do? Children who have been under pressure for a long time will fall into a strong self-negation and their entire personality will become pessimistic and negative.
The second type of - is to threaten and intimidate
For example, "If you play games again, I will smash your computer!!" Threat and intimidate seem to be able to suppress it, but violence will inevitably cause greater violence. Some children will apply what they have learned and use the same threatening means to fight their parents, such as "You are forcing me, I will die, jump off the building, run away from home, etc."
The third type - is to stand on the commanding heights of identity, love, and never repent if you do something wrong
For example, "Although I did something wrong, I am also your father!" "I do this for you, you are ungrateful!" "I am yours!"
remarks always make children more rebellious and want to escape from their parents' control!
The fourth type of - is to confuse objective comments with subjective comments.
"You broke the cup!" is an objective fact.
"Why did you break the cup again? Can't do such a small thing well?" This is a subjective evaluation, which has a strong personal emotion.
often confuses evaluation with facts in communication, which will make the child very hurt.
As a parent, do you give your child a chance to explain? Maybe, he was just trying to pour you a glass of water, and accidentally got fucked and knocked off the cup?
What impact will violent communication have on children?
[Breeze] Waterfall psychological effect :
refers to the psychological calmness of the sender, but after the information is accepted, it causes the other party's extremely uneasy mentality, which leads to the change of the recipient's attitude and behavior. Just like a waterfall, it is calm above, but the water is surging below, splashing flowers and fog.
In short, speakers are unintentional, and listeners are intentional.
Because children's mental state is relatively fragile, they are still in the growth stage.
Therefore, if parents habitually appear some bad words in the process of communicating with their children, it will cause some indelible trauma to their children. Many parents are unaware of this and continue to make some unintentional mistakes. Then this psychological trauma will continue to intensify until it affects the child's learning, personality, life, and other aspects.
The consequences of doing this for children are nothing more than developing in both .
The first type of child . If he is relatively fragile or weak in his heart, he will be controlled by his parents and then become a so-called "obedient child" with regular rules.
They will bury the pain in their hearts very deeply. But these things do not disappear as they become adults, but continue to strengthen . After adulthood, perhaps because of some specific things, it will trigger it, causing it to explode, and then various psychological problems will begin to arise.
The second type of child has a stronger personality and will be rebellious. They will be unwilling to give up and will act rebelliously against their parents' various accusations, sarcasm, and control. He will fight with his parents in his own way. In severe cases, some conflicts will arise, and even physical violence will increase, etc. When dealing with other people around him, he will habitually adopt violent behaviors when dealing with people!
Be a growth parent, speak well
[Heart] Learn to squat down and talk to your children, and treat your children as independent individuals!
Squat down to talk to the child. First of all, you have to squat down psychologically, movements, and verbally, so that you can understand what the child thinks and solve the problem.
[heart]: Let children make mistakes, accepting children's imperfections
Growth is a process of continuous "trial and error".
I once saw a writer saying, " I broke the coffee cup and was scolded by my parents. Their scolding did not make me no longer break the cup next time, but just made me more afraid of the cup! "
Zhu Yongxin said, "The heart of a child is like a young bud, which is easy to be hurt. If you say a wrong sentence or do something wrong, you will be severely criticized by parents. You will never dare to say it again or do it again. These will hinder the growth of the child."
allows mistakes to make children, which will make children have a psychological safety net. You will not be timid and afraid of things. If you do something wrong, you will dare to admit it and actively correct it!
[Heart] Parents will also have imperfections, learn to actively admit their mistakes
We are all the first time we are other people’s parents, it is impossible to be perfect. If you do something wrong, you must have the courage to admit your . I think children are always particularly tolerant of their parents and will love their parents more!
In the scene of Chen Xiaochun and his son Xiaoxiaochun just now, Chen Xiaochun heard Jasper's sentence "can you stop angry now?" for two seconds, and finally said to his son "sorry, sorry!".
In the subsequent interview, Chen Xiaochun also said, "I never thought he would have that answer with me. In that moment, I believe I will never forget that conversation in my life!"
Jordan Chan, as a father, did not say , I am yours, I can't bow to my son , but realized that my tone was indeed wrong and took the initiative to admit my mistake. This made his fans love this Shanji Ge more from the identity of "father"!
[Heart] Do not label children negatively, use positive and positive words more often, and encourage children to
Everything that parents and children say is a magical magic wand! It will help him deal with all kinds of thorns in the future!
What you say to your child determines which direction he develops and what kind of person he becomes.
CCTV released a documentary "Mirror"
There is a saying in it that every child is born with a blank piece of paper. Parents are the ones who paint. The key to what the blank piece becomes is the parents.
movie " Miracle Boy " , Aoji is a little boy with natural facial deformity. He is often ridiculed and bullied by his classmates at school. But his mother Isabel has always been his strongest backing. Her mother always tells him with the warmest and most powerful language and actions:
Because I'm your mom, it counts the most because I know you the most.
Precisely because I am your mother who knows the most.
Speaking is the most important thing, because I know you the most.
You are born different, and you are not destined to be drowned in the crowd.
You are born different and are destined to be drowned in the crowd.
Look at me.We all have marks on our face. I have this wrinkle here from your first surgery.I have these wrinkles here from your last surgery. This is the map that shows us where we’ve going.And this is the map that shows us where we’ve been.And it’s never ever ugly.
Look at me, everyone has a mark on their face. I had these wrinkles on the first surgery and I had these wrinkles on the last surgery. This map will guide us. And this map marks where we have been, it is definitely not ugly.
You're different by nature. You don't have to hide.
You are born different, you don't have to hide.
This positive and positive guidance, positive encouragement and remarks allow this child to slowly accept himself and have a positive and independent viewpoint.
He would think " I know I am not an ordinary ten-year-old child. I have undergone 27 surgeries so that I can breathe, see things, and hear sounds without relying on hearing aids. But all of this makes me look unusual."
and can treat the world around me with a humorous, tolerant, and even understanding attitude, and finally gained a lot of friends of the same age. I believe that even as an adult, he is still a warm young man! !
Classic movie "Forrest Gump" isn't that warm mother an admirable mother
For Forrest Gump, who is born with a low IQ and has a physical defect, Forrest Gump's mother always tells him
"You are the same as others, and you are no different from others.
Forrest Gump's mother knew that Forrest Gump would encounter strange vision and special treatment when she grew up. In order to protect Forrest Gump, her mother kept telling Forrest Gump that he is normal and like others, no one else is better than him. Because Forrest Gump's mother has always been positively suggesting that Forrest Gump never felt that he was an alien.
When others questioned that he was stupid, he always said with confidence:
"Mom said that those who do stupid things are fools. "
So !
Those children who are treated gently, no matter what their future achievements will be? They always have an irresistible sunshine and self-confidence, and a natural self-esteem and self-love. Who wouldn't like it?
END
[heart]: Let children make mistakes, accepting children's imperfections
Growth is a process of continuous "trial and error".
I once saw a writer saying, " I broke the coffee cup and was scolded by my parents. Their scolding did not make me no longer break the cup next time, but just made me more afraid of the cup! "
Zhu Yongxin said, "The heart of a child is like a young bud, which is easy to be hurt. If you say a wrong sentence or do something wrong, you will be severely criticized by parents. You will never dare to say it again or do it again. These will hinder the growth of the child."
allows mistakes to make children, which will make children have a psychological safety net. You will not be timid and afraid of things. If you do something wrong, you will dare to admit it and actively correct it!
[Heart] Parents will also have imperfections, learn to actively admit their mistakes
We are all the first time we are other people’s parents, it is impossible to be perfect. If you do something wrong, you must have the courage to admit your . I think children are always particularly tolerant of their parents and will love their parents more!
In the scene of Chen Xiaochun and his son Xiaoxiaochun just now, Chen Xiaochun heard Jasper's sentence "can you stop angry now?" for two seconds, and finally said to his son "sorry, sorry!".
In the subsequent interview, Chen Xiaochun also said, "I never thought he would have that answer with me. In that moment, I believe I will never forget that conversation in my life!"
Jordan Chan, as a father, did not say , I am yours, I can't bow to my son , but realized that my tone was indeed wrong and took the initiative to admit my mistake. This made his fans love this Shanji Ge more from the identity of "father"!
[Heart] Do not label children negatively, use positive and positive words more often, and encourage children to
Everything that parents and children say is a magical magic wand! It will help him deal with all kinds of thorns in the future!
What you say to your child determines which direction he develops and what kind of person he becomes.
CCTV released a documentary "Mirror"
There is a saying in it that every child is born with a blank piece of paper. Parents are the ones who paint. The key to what the blank piece becomes is the parents.
movie " Miracle Boy " , Aoji is a little boy with natural facial deformity. He is often ridiculed and bullied by his classmates at school. But his mother Isabel has always been his strongest backing. Her mother always tells him with the warmest and most powerful language and actions:
Because I'm your mom, it counts the most because I know you the most.
Precisely because I am your mother who knows the most.
Speaking is the most important thing, because I know you the most.
You are born different, and you are not destined to be drowned in the crowd.
You are born different and are destined to be drowned in the crowd.
Look at me.We all have marks on our face. I have this wrinkle here from your first surgery.I have these wrinkles here from your last surgery. This is the map that shows us where we’ve going.And this is the map that shows us where we’ve been.And it’s never ever ugly.
Look at me, everyone has a mark on their face. I had these wrinkles on the first surgery and I had these wrinkles on the last surgery. This map will guide us. And this map marks where we have been, it is definitely not ugly.
You're different by nature. You don't have to hide.
You are born different, you don't have to hide.
This positive and positive guidance, positive encouragement and remarks allow this child to slowly accept himself and have a positive and independent viewpoint.
He would think " I know I am not an ordinary ten-year-old child. I have undergone 27 surgeries so that I can breathe, see things, and hear sounds without relying on hearing aids. But all of this makes me look unusual."
and can treat the world around me with a humorous, tolerant, and even understanding attitude, and finally gained a lot of friends of the same age. I believe that even as an adult, he is still a warm young man! !
Classic movie "Forrest Gump" isn't that warm mother an admirable mother
For Forrest Gump, who is born with a low IQ and has a physical defect, Forrest Gump's mother always tells him
"You are the same as others, and you are no different from others.
Forrest Gump's mother knew that Forrest Gump would encounter strange vision and special treatment when she grew up. In order to protect Forrest Gump, her mother kept telling Forrest Gump that he is normal and like others, no one else is better than him. Because Forrest Gump's mother has always been positively suggesting that Forrest Gump never felt that he was an alien.
When others questioned that he was stupid, he always said with confidence:
"Mom said that those who do stupid things are fools. "
So !
Those children who are treated gently, no matter what their future achievements will be? They always have an irresistible sunshine and self-confidence, and a natural self-esteem and self-love. Who wouldn't like it?
END
