A healthy and happy child needs a free and inclusive growth environment.
Only when we let go of our desire to control and dominate and treat our children as "outsiders", can our children become independent individuals and move towards their own life journey.
Author | Fengzi
I watched a mother's sharing online and was quite touched.
She helped tutor her children's homework at a friend's house. During this period, there was a question that was difficult. She talked several times in a row, but her friend's child was still confused.
So, she continued to say patiently three times, and the child was particularly moved and said:
"Auntie, you are so nice, so patient. If it were my mother, I would have been furious."
She was very embarrassed when she heard this, because she was also impatient with her child.
So she began to reflect on why she was so kind to her friends and children but could not tolerate them.
There are two reasons: one is that she has to take care of her friends' feelings, and the other is that she has to take care of her friends' children's feelings.
But she never felt like taking care of her children.
Since then, when she was with her son, she began to consciously treat herself as an "outsider", control her mouth, restrain her temper, and maintain a sense of proportion.
After a period of time, she found that while she became more relaxed, her son became better and better.
I remembered a sentence in the book "Cognitive Poor": Only by giving up the identity of parents can you be good parents.
Many times, what children lack is not love, but boundaries.
A mother who can't control children's thoughts, can't control their lives, treats children as independent individuals, and treats themselves as "outsiders" is the best gift for children to grow up.
Mothers regard themselves as "outsiders" and their children are more independent
From the perspective of love, mothers always have the illusion that children are still young, unconsciously worrying about their children and taking care of everything about their children.
There is a mother on Zhihu who took care of her daughter very carefully since childhood, so she was in high school and even saved up her weekly clothes and took her home to wash them.
What made her even more uncomfortable was that once her daughter had abdominal pain, she would rather wait for her to go home than go downstairs to community hospital to check it out.
is such a daughter who relies on her in everything, but she has completely changed because she stayed at her friend’s house for a month. She not only knows how to wash clothes, cook, and clean, but also manages herself in an orderly manner.
Mother quickly called her friend and asked her, "What kind of magic did you do? My child has changed so much?"
, but the friend replied, "I did nothing."
Indeed, as soon as the girl got off the plane, her friend told her: Your mother and I are friends, but none of us owes anyone, so you must take care of yourself in this month's summer life.
and agreed with the girl:
First of all, you have to get up on time, I am not responsible for calling you.
Second, you have to help me when I cook, otherwise you have no right to eat.
Third, after eating, you must be responsible for cleaning your own dishes, this is not my responsibility.
Fourth, you can go out and play, I can accompany you when I have time. If you don’t have time, you have to look at the map, make plans, and check the route.
The girl was stunned for a moment, but because she was far away from home, she could not ask for help from her mother, so she could only adapt.
In fact, every child has the ability to take good care of himself, but the excessive burden of parents deprives the children of their growth.
jumped out of the perspective of parents and raised their children with the identity of bystanders, so that parents can give their children the best exercise.
is like Changchang's mother in "The Young Man's Voice". She never holds her daughter in her palm and rarely takes care of her daughter's life, so she has always been said by her neighbors that she is not her biological mother.
But her daughter, who just went to elementary school, could cook simple meals by herself.
After being older, you can cross the road by yourself, take the bus and take the subway.
When I was in the fifth grade, my daughter could go to the vegetable market to buy vegetables independently.
When traveling, my daughter will hold her own even if she is heavy.
Mother said, "I love her very much, these are my protection for her."
Yes, Dr. Huayun, an American Chinese education expert, also said:
"Loving children is different from loving other precious objects or pets. Cherished objects or pets should be kept by your side and appreciate and cherish them.
But love children is to let them leave us one day and prepare for their departure at all times. "
Parents regard themselves as outsiders, not letting them go, but wisely withdraw from their parents' roles, so that their children can learn to take responsibility and responsibilities, and become independent and capable people.
Mothers regard themselves as "outsiders", and their children are more self-disciplined
I believe many mothers have this trouble: their children are not concerned about learning, procrastination, and even bargain with a little homework...
You urge your children to study, and sometimes they use beating and scolding, but the children just don't repent.
even, the more you care about him, the more he deliberately angers you. There is such a girl in the variety show " teacher please answer ".
She is very unconscious in her studies and asks her parents to study every day. She often misses homework and writes less.
After a closer look, I found out that Girls never resist learning, but their mother's control.
Every day, in addition to completing school homework, girls also have many homework left by their mothers.
I have to listen to my mother’s study arrangements from Monday to Saturday, and I don’t even have time to relax on Sundays.
The first thing my mother said when she came back from get off work every day was: "Have you completed your homework? Report on today's learning situation."
Sometimes if the daughter does not do extracurricular homework, the mother will force her daughter to finish it, even if the daughter has already fallen asleep, even if it is already eleven o'clock at night.
Psychologist Li Xue said: External drive can also drive a person, but the feeling it brings is competition, pain and internal friction.
Only " heterologous " can't create "self-disciplined" children.
Mom is overly involved in learning, and what it destroys is the child's internal motivation.
In response to the problem of parents' excessive control over their children, the book "Self-driven Growth" has long pointed out:
If parents want to cultivate their children's self-control and stimulate their internal motivation, they should regard themselves as their children's "consultant consultants".
withdraws from the child's learning, returns the initiative to the child, treats himself as an "outsider", and provides guidance only when the child needs it.
is like Deng Mingyang's mother who sent her son to MIT in the United States. At first, she also liked to help her son plan and arrange it, but later she found that this would not only make her anxious and angry, but her son would also lose interest, so she decisively gave up with school.
Learning depends on Deng Mingyang himself, and his mother is responsible for information collection and logistics support.
Because he has enough autonomy in his studies and his mother has not focused on his grades, so Deng Mingyang has always maintained a passion and is self-disciplined in everything he learns.
Every child has a desire for autonomy and self.
Mothers are outsiders in their children's learning. It is not that they are irresponsible, but that they use a way of retreating to advance to protect their children's autonomy and interest in learning, so that their children can transform from "I want to learn" to "I want to learn".
Mother regards herself as an "outsider" and the parent-child relationship is more harmonious
Fudan Professor Wang Defeng once shared a story.
One day, he suddenly received a call from his former old neighbor for help.
It was a middle-aged mother. Her son was already in his third year of high school, but the relationship between the mother and the son was particularly stiff. As soon as the mother spoke, the son immediately rushed back.
When we arrived, the mother could only remain silent. The mother and son met every day but were strangers.
Now that the college entrance examination is about to be held, my son's grades have been declining. The mother was determined to communicate with her son, but she could only end up in a quarrel every time.
After listening to it, Professor Wang only gave one suggestion: "From today, you can withdraw yourself from it."
Mom was puzzled, and Professor Wang explained:
"That is to say, from today on, you don't think of him as your son, and you don't think of yourself as his mother."
html l5 "You just think of him as your good friend and can't take care of him, so you entrust him to your child." At the end of the call, Professor Wang also told the mother that as an outsider, you only need to do three things:
Don't let him be hungry;
Don't let him be frozen when it's cold;
Let him sleep peacefully at night.
This mother was skeptical, but she still did it.
Two months later, she told Professor Wang in surprise:
"I didn't expect that my son has so many advantages, why didn't I see it before?"
"I also know, it turns out that my son loves me deeply."
It turns out that when this mother no longer imposes her ideas on her children and no longer evaluates her children with her own standards, she is no longer anxious, and the parent-child relationship breaks the ice, and she has more and more things to say to her son.
There is a saying that love needs distance. What we are talking about is the hedgehog effect in parent-child relationship :
hedgehogs stay close to each other to keep warm when it is cold, but keep a certain distance, otherwise it will become mutually stabbing.
As parents, we often feel that we know more than our children and have more experience in life than our children, so we unconsciously practice the reality of manipulation in the name of love.
But every child has his or her own psychological safe distance. They need respect, freedom, and growth.
Interference from parents often only arouses children's resistance and rebellious emotions, causing constant conflicts between parents and children.
host Meng Fei said that the deeper the previous generation intervenes in the next generation, the lower the possibility of children's happiness.
Mom treats herself as an "outsider", just hides half of her love, puts away her control hands, gives care but does not interfere, gives care but does not cross the line.
Only when the boundaries between parents and children are clear can children be truly happy and the parent-child relationship will not be imbalanced.
Educator Yin Jianli said:
The relationship between mother and son should be long and full, but the degree of participation in children's lives must be diminished.
The flooded maternal love is like the flooded flood. It is no longer the energy flowing in the riverbed, but the destructive power and disaster.
Yes, mothers who truly love their children will not blindly indulge themselves and interfere with their children, but will look at them for a long time and love them rationally with the mentality of an observer.
Learn to change your mind, don’t worry, don’t worry.
learn to withdraw from it, let go, and let go of your desire to control.
Treat yourself as an outsider, temper your children, respect them, and give them boundaries.
thus stimulates the energy of the child's growth and allows him to separate as an independent living individual as soon as possible.
