02 Practice cycle: From September 27 to October 3
This week, from September 27 to this morning, I have kept a heart to observe the child. Then I found that compared to discovering traits that children have never discovered, I actually discovered my shortcomings.
Let’s talk about my discoveries first.
My girl is not focused, has strong curiosity, has strong ability to accept new things, and has a good memory. But we are not interested in learning yet - we don’t force it, we have enough staff to accompany us and have not enrolled in early education classes.
Baby has received good education on our safety and will urge friends who play together to implement it: you cannot step on the lawn, you cannot go to motor vehicles to walk without the care of your adults, and you will definitely not play in the open-air parking lot.
And, she would remind other children not to go over—but she was not persistent and reckless, reminding others that they would not go to a safe place, even if they played alone, they would not go to a safe place.
This is a very independent manifestation and will not over-tatize or follow others, which is very good.
This is my most satisfying discovery this week, I like my girl!
3. Third, the power of genes, or words and deeds, is very powerful. We girls are active, picky in food, have poor concentration... in fact, they all look like me.
, especially when it comes to picky food. Since giving birth, I have never been picky about food or food. You have to grab time and take turns to eat when you eat. Only when you are full can you have the energy to take care of your children. After the child starts to eat complementary food, I feed the child first and then eat by myself.
The child didn't see me eating at all, but she just chose it. I picked the first sip of milk from my birth. The temperature and taste were wrong. I refused to drink it when I was hungry. Even if I changed the glass bottle to ppsu's bottle, she could not drink it--I don't change the pacifier, and she didn't touch the bottle with her hands, and I don't know what she thought was wrong.
After eating with adults normally, she just doesn’t eat meat, vegetables, doesn’t eat mushrooms without mushrooms, and she also chooses mushrooms... It’s so laborious and expensive (she has been in nearly half a year, she only loves morels , but she doesn’t eat rice without morels).
This is really puzzling. So, I can only say that the genes are strong.
Of course, she has inherited my strengths, so I won’t say much here.
03 Only by understanding yourself and growing up on your own can you know how to better your children
It was not until last night that I truly understood the meaning of this Exercise 1, and I really figured out why the professor said in the preface that this book does not teach parents how to discipline their children, but teaches parents to become smart parents.
This week is not so much about observing the child, but rather about understanding yourself and understanding your own bugs in parenting.
Tell me what happened yesterday:
Yesterday, my girl played the role of "deaf and blind" at home for the first time this week. After taking a shower at night, she refused to drink milk well. No matter how she said that she just didn't listen, she either changed the topic or pretended not to hear it, and said something else to herself.
Even if I use the usual method of trying it out - it's useless to use teeth for tooth, she also extends this state to her father and mother-in-law who talks to her and ignores others.
Finally, it took about 15 minutes for the three of them to remind each other in turn (the side effects of nagging were fully understood by our whole family before and would not be used on the child). At the end, she had 30ml of milk left for 240ml.
Dad went to wash the bottle with a dark face, and grandma was also summarizing the statement while drying clothes, expressing her disappointment that she wasted food today.
I should be grateful that during this nearly a week of training, I habitually retained some attention and did the 'observation self'. When I was rinsing my mouth with her, I thought that she was abnormal in drinking milk today, and recalled the whole process and slapped my forehead. It was our adults who were wrong.
First of all, the girl used the "deaf and blind" method to fight us, and we ignored her first.
The first thing was because when she was drinking milk, I didn’t watch TV with her, but sat on a single sofa farther away to play games.(I haven't played it for half a year before, and it was discussed by the girl, and I only played it after she agreed to me.)
But in less than 5 minutes, the girl was unhappy. She talked to me, and I was immersed in the game and answered very perfunctorily. The girl felt that she was neglected and went to find her father. She was more perfunctory than me. She said, "Dad is sleeping with you later, and then she pushed the person away." The girl went to find her grandmother again, who was busy washing clothes and strictly stopped her from playing with water.
After she was neglected, I was still playing games, but seeing that my father and grandmother were unwilling to put down what they were doing with her, I hugged her and played games together - at this time, the girl had been distracted and was no longer drinking milk.
I realized this problem and took her down, asked her to drink her grandma seriously, raised her voice and asked her father why he couldn't watch the child drink milk. It took me half a year to remember to play games.
His father was used to being silent, so the girl began to be unwilling to drink milk. She played by herself, and slowly she became a 'deaf and blind' man. She ignored us without listening or watching us, and the bottle was sent to her mouth, and she also left her head to not drink.
Then the family was in three places, persuading, threatening, and forcibly urging the baby to empathize with . For example, her father and grandmother were also saying that the mother played once every six months and did not let the mother play happily. She was not a good child.
When I recalled this, I was almost suffocating. Is this what three adults did?
Put your heart in mind, the whole family is in this attitude towards you, can you still have a good meal? The girl drank only one-eighth and was already very proud of her face. If I were besieged by someone for about 5 seconds, I would be able to put chopsticks on my face.
I understood this point. When I rinsed my mouth, I apologized to the girl, and then repeated the communication rules of our family: say something, don’t cry, don’t make a fuss, don’t pretend to be indifferent. After the girl repeated it, she had an intimate interaction before going to bed, kissing, hugging, good night kissing, etc. The girl happily said good night to me before leaving the bedroom.
came out of the bedroom (I still have to continue working, my father sleeps with me), and my mother was still saying, I am too spoiled to my children, so how could I apologize to them?
Then I realized that there are probably quite a lot of bugs in our so-called scientific parenting and happy parenting. So, I didn’t go back to my master bedroom last night, and I slept in the small bed in the study, and I was reflecting on this problem all night.
04 Authoritative parents are not parents = Authoritative
In the book "Love, Money, Children", the most ideal parents are authoritative parents: parents who guide their children's behavior with a rational and problem-oriented attitude.
As for the post-70s and post-80s, we actually grew up in the original family of control parents and arbitrary parents, especially when our parents are involved in our parenting process, we will become arbitrary and love to control.
I recalled it and looked through the previous parenting log. I found that when we girls are disobedient and uncooperative, we mostly set rules for her (such as during the quitting diapers), or just like the above, because the child cannot understand the adult’s arrangements and hard work, and preach to her.
learned this rule, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I found the root cause of the problem and could also be dealt with in a targeted manner.
Although this lesson cannot be considered a blow, it does remind me that I still have a long way to go to completely get rid of the influence of my original family and get rid of inertial thinking.
During the parenting process, this "observational self" should be implemented throughout the whole process, especially after a conflict with the child, you need to reflect on it with your heart.
I really thank Dr. Christopher Meng for this book "Intimate Relationship: Parent-Child Relationship". I am also really grateful that before the child entered the kindergarten, I was able to get rid of procrastination and start executing it immediately - the effect has come out.
I'm a step ahead of my growth, right? After the girl was ignorant and reflexively disciplined, she immediately reflected on her own and realized her problems and apologized to the child.By the way, I also found bugs during the raising process, which is gratifying.
Finally, there is an mind map attached. I hope that interested friends can take a look at the thirteen exercises of this book, and I will continue to share them here, the changes this practice has brought to me and my family. I hope I can become a mother who is not confused, anxious, and can maintain emotional stability for a long time.
As for wisdom...it may take longer to practice.
