Problem: My daughter has depression . Her own way of decompression is to play games. She can go to school four days a week and play games at home one day. My mother is very anxious and doesn’t know what to do?
Do you still remember what your child looked like when he just learned to walk?
At first, he couldn't walk. When you held his armpit, he slowly took one step, two steps, and his body towards the person opposite him. Slowly, he began to walk by himself, his legs were still trembling, his two little arms were spreading openly, but his two small fists were clenched tightly, as if to cheer himself up, and it seemed to be to maintain a balance, slowly and stagger towards you, and finally plunged in your arms...
Naturally, you can't even feel his daily progress, but just a few months have passed, and he is walking better and better. After a few years, his running speed has even exceeded that of an adult. It is difficult for you to catch up with him!
Life is such a magical process!
All parents of children do not have so many expectations for their children when they first learn to walk, but the children practice every day and work hard toward one place every day, and in the end they can walk very well.
But when we grow up, we lose this spirit of perseverance. We are always so anxious. We think about whether one thing can be successful before it even begins. What should we do next? I gave up as I thought about it.
"Cognitive Driven" author Zhou Ling believes that as adults, we should learn from our childhood self.
First, only do things that are urgently needed. For children with depression, what is the "necessary need" for parents and children? Is it learning? Or to overcome depression, or live in peace with depression, slowly get out of depression, and make your children happier?
If learning is compared with "happiness", which one will parents choose?
If you put learning first when your child is depressed, then parents are asked to think: What is the most important thing for you?
second is that there is no expectation. When the child was learning to walk, we had no expectations for him, and the child walked slowly by himself, right? If the child is learning to walk, we follow him and urge him: You should walk faster! Be more stable! If the child can understand our urging, he will probably be driven crazy by you! Or just sit down and stop walking!
Zhou Ling said: actively reduces expectations is the trick to take the fun. Because anxiety only keeps us from stagnating.
For example, in my opinion, a child with depression can go to school four days a week without playing games at home every day. This is already very admirable. Yes, I admire it from the bottom of my heart.
In my opinion, the school’s “full house” teaching model actually makes children very hard, and I can’t stand it. I was sleepy all day long when I went to school. Although I went to school every day, I absolutely couldn’t say “going to school well”. I just used formal efforts to cover up my actual laziness!
was a coincidence. My daughter, who had just entered the first year of junior high school, accidentally "don't go to school one day a week" one month after school started. I also support her sometimes "I just don't want to go to school and want to stay at home for a day." Because when I was in school, I never experienced the joy of going to school, I hope my daughter can be happier.
I think it is not that important for a child to get into in the future. It is the most important thing for her to have the ability to be happy. If I use the matter of "must go to school every day" to make her unhappy or painful throughout the middle school stage, it may not be too unprofitable! And I also know that in school, she learns passively, and this kind of learning efficiency is actually very low.
At home, she will take the initiative to learn when she is free.
Every time she took the leave and didn’t go to school, she would take the initiative to tell me: I want to take online classes, and the homework assigned by the school that day can be completed.
For a child with depression, going to school for a week is too hard for her. She has to deal with the interpersonal relationships between teachers and classmates and maintain a good learning state. In fact, it is very consuming for her. One day a week, she is staying at home and "lying flat" to play games is the best care for herself. Only when this day is happy and happy can she persist in the hard work of the other four days.
At this time, if she is still forcing her to keep going to "go to school well" every day, it is to consume her every day without giving her the chance to charge her.
In fact, she can never go to school every day now. After all, her parents can’t do anything about her, and she can’t beat or scold her. But she still chose to go to school, which shows that this child is still alive and has his own yearning for the future.
Let’s talk about balance again: I think it is important for parents to learn "balance". The task of parents is to help their children become a comprehensive person, rather than sacrificing everything and only outstanding in academic performance.
Mother said that her daughter is too determined to win or lose. She cannot complete her homework without going to school. She is afraid that the teacher will be angry if she can’t win at home. From this, it can be seen that the girl has great requirements for herself, but she doesn’t know that this high demands on herself are born? Or is it formed after birth? For example, parents have high requirements for themselves, so they unknowingly agree with their parents’ requirements?
Mother also said that the child is "dissatisfied with himself" and felt that "he is not good at anything, has no specialties, is very fatal, and is not good at studying."
I was focusing on solving the eavesdropping of the "cloud gathering" of students in the parent growth camp. I happened to hear the student Dongdong say: If a person is satisfied with himself, even if he can't do anything well, he will like himself.
This is actually a person's self-confidence. Even if I am just a piece of shit in the eyes of others, I still think I am a flower!
But in reality, many people are just the opposite. They are obviously a flower, but they think they are not good at anything, and they are clearly a piece of shit.
People who live in inferiority are unfortunate. People with inferiority are always in the shadow of life, unable to see the sunshine or feel happiness!
Most of the children's evaluation of themselves comes from their parents' evaluations, because the children are very young and do not know how to evaluate them at all. parents are his mirror. When they see what they are from their parents' eyes, they think they are.
In your heart, what does a child look like? Are you proud of him? Do you think that having such a child feels life is better?
If not, what will the child think he is?
If the child is competitive, she is likely to have a projection: if I do this well, if I succeed, I am "good", and I deserve to be loved, otherwise, I am nothing.
At this time, parents should tell her: Even if you can’t do anything well, you are the favorite child of your parents, and you are also the unique child in the world. You don’t need to do everything well. And at this time, we should talk about the things that the child does well: You see, although you are not good at playing games, you are very good at drawing. The teacher says you are talented!
Let children know: everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it doesn’t matter if they can’t do anything well.
I have a good friend who is very smart. The second child is a primary school master who is born strong. He always wants to get first place in the exam. Instead, she said to her child: Baby, you don’t need to get first place in the exam. There are many interesting things in life. She pulled the child to play ball and learn piano (not grading exams, just to experience the beauty of playing the piano), so that the child can have a rich childhood.
Finally, let me tell you a story I have written before: A good friend of mine took her daughter home after she was the last exam and was humiliated by the class teacher. She stayed home for a whole month without going to school. During this month, she never mentioned the word "study" to her daughter. She said to herself: I am her mother, and my most important task at the moment is: to make my daughter happy and happy! Nothing else matters! However, the magical thing is: a month later, my daughter returned to school to take the midterm exam and actually got 17!
So, when we are anxious, we have to think about it: What is the most important thing for you as a parent? Have you worked hard every day for what matters you most?
Zhou Ling said in "Cognitive Driven": fate must love those who are willing to become better slowly.
I think that the girl who is depressed and still works hard to learn four days a week will slowly get better in this way, and her destiny will love her.
As her parents, are you willing to wait patiently for her to get better slowly?
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