For Chinese people, home is our eternal harbor.
I was injured outside and wronged, and my first thought was: go home.
Lin Yutang There is a classic saying:
"Happiness is nothing more than four things: one is to sleep in one's own bed; the second is to eat dishes made by parents; the third is to listen to lovers' love; the fourth is to play games with children."
House family should be a couple in love, children accompany each other, brothers and feet are deeply in love, and tolerant of each other.
However, life is not easy and things in the world are unpredictable. Sometimes, the warmest home also brings us the deepest harm.
Among them, the one who was most injured was the weak child.
" native family " has always been a hot topic of discussion. We would like to ask everyone to clarify their goals:
Why do we want to discuss native family? Is it to blame your parents and ask them to apologize for their past mistakes?
is not!
We are to heal the trauma of the past, so that we no longer get tired of the past, and live our own happiness;
We are to cut off the intergenerational inheritance of trauma and prevent our next generation from suffering the same. How to do this?
The stories of the following 3 friends may inspire you:
When I was a child, I was my father's "emotional garbage can"
The first 29 years of my life, I was all "hate" to my father.
Daddy is very selfish. Since I have memories, my dad only adds his own food and never helps others add food.
If there is any problem, it is always someone else's fault. Even if he is accidentally mixed up by a stone on the road, he will stop and complain or even scold the stone, thinking that it is the stone's fault, and the stone should not appear there.
Daddy has a bad temper and is furious at any time. When I am in a bad mood, I will find fault and beat me. It can be said that it is not an exaggeration to describe it as "fist, punch, kick".
After growing up, for a long time, my body automatically blocked this painful memory, and my brain directly chose that all this had not happened, and it seemed that I could not recall it anymore.
Until 2017, my career experienced major setbacks and I began to feel mildly depressed. The scene of being beaten by my father began to "jump" out one by one, and I came to torture me every day like a devil.
I know my father loves me. Although he is serious and never expresses himself, he really gives everything for us, and it is very hard work. I am very grateful to him.
At the same time, I was pulled by painful memories again.
I often wake up in the middle of the night, with tears on my face, and I will feel deeper fear and pain after waking up.
became the 38th day of my practice. I sorted out my relationship with my father and tried to understand him.
Dad is too hard--
Dad died when he was 11 years old. Naturally, his father became the pillar of the family and embarked on the journey of supporting his family, pulling three uncles and an aunt to grow up.
At that time, my family was poor and I had no rice, so I could only eat sweet potatoes, sweet potatoes every meal, and sweet potatoes every day.
Now, as soon as my father eats sweet potatoes and porridge, he will feel nauseated and vomit.
His body never forgot these pains.
Dad eats very fast, often less than one-third of my bowl of rice, and he has finished it. I reminded him many times that this is not good for the stomach. He said it was not that he wanted to eat quickly, but that the meal would go naturally when it came to his mouth.
Dad often said: In that era, I had to grab food, and if I eat slowly, I would have no food.
I suddenly understood why he never gave anyone a meal.
For a long time, my father has accumulated too many negative emotions -
Later, my father got married and had children. With me and my brother, my mother had no job, and the whole family could only rely on my father.
Daddy has never been to school and can only do physical work. Not only does it feel tired, but he has to be angry everywhere. When others scold him, he still has to smile.
His pressure, fear, fear had nowhere to tell, and he didn't know how to correctly resolve it, so he could only hold it in.
people's instinct is to bully the weak and fear the strong. My father can't escape this. My younger brother is too young, and I was the "most suitable punching bag" at that time, and took over most of my father's anger.
After seeing these, I burst into tears and felt very sorry for myself when I was a child. I will love myself well in the future.
I also saw my father's regret and pain, and most of the time he was trying hard to restrain himself.
He has loved me with all his might, and he can only give me so much.
Growing up to now, I have completely let go of the trauma of the past. I have also become a mother, resolved the trauma of the past, learned to manage emotions, and cut off the intergenerational inheritance of trauma. This is the best gift I give to my daughter.
My parents have a bad relationship, I am just taking the blame
My feelings for my mother are complicated.
When I was a child, my mother loved me very much. She could teach me to sing while washing clothes. In summer nights, she fanned me to sleep until midnight. After doing farm work, she took me home.
For me, that was the most beautiful memory of my childhood.
I don’t know when it started, but my mother changed. Her temper became very bad. She always quarreled, got angry, and even became hysterical with her father, threw a basin and bowl, and she would never have any peace.
Every time after a fight, my mother would say all kinds of bad things about my father, and then hugged me and said, "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your father long ago..."
At first, I would feel sorry for my mother, and even became my mother's little guard, deliberately making my father angry and provoking her father.
When I reached adolescence, I became more and more annoyed by my mother, and even looked down on her a little. Once she started crying and said this again. I finally couldn't bear it anymore and shouted to her: "You go to divorce, don't go to divorce for me!"
Mom raised her hand high, but did not fall down, and turned around with red eyes.
There are more and more conflicts between me and my mother, and I hate my mother more and more, "She is just a jealous woman who is incompetent!" This is the tag I put on my mother.
In order to escape from my mother, I studied hard, got into a university in another place, stayed in another place to work, and only went home once a year.
The communication with my mother was an extremely perfunctory call once a week.
Until I got married and had children, I became a mother.
The tired torture at night, the helplessness of fighting alone, the pain of facing the child's illness...
I finally slowly understood the heart of a mother and finally saw the real life of her mother at that time.
When my father was working in another place, he met a woman. The rumors were passed back to his hometown. My mother was alone with three children...
She hated her husband's infidelity, hated her inability to do so, and felt sorry for the child being too young. In order to protect the integrity of this family, she endured and persevered until she was exhausted.
Everyone wants to live tenderly and decently, but life is real and even cruel.
When life tests follow one after another, mothers can only fight against the world with a strong look, and even have to live like they are disliked and disgusted by their children.
Mother's life sounded the alarm for me: the love between parents is the best love for children.
After getting married, my goal is to build a home where my children and lover don’t want to leave when they come back.
I have been learning the course of managing marriage, and have been practicing various methods to actively create a relationship with my husband. Along the way, he and I are both lovers and relatives, and are the most solid pillars of each other.
Under the shadow of favoring boys over girls, I grew up stubbornly
When my mother was pregnant with me, the whole family hoped that my mother could have a son, but she didn't expect it to be a girl.
When I was just born, my grandmother took me from the midwife and took a look. Her face changed suddenly. She let it go and left. She never came to see me again during her confinement period.
As far as I can remember, my grandmother always said intentionally or unintentionally: "Why are you a girl? If only you were a boy..."
I am a girl, and this is my biggest mistake.
The first scene that remembers childhood, which is left in the deepest part of my memory, is like this:
On a heavy rainy day, I don’t know what I did wrong, grandma and uncle suddenly grabbed me and stumbled me into the yard.
I stood in the rain and soon became wet all over, cold and scared, and cried so much that I was scared.
Grandma and uncle looked at me coldly, letting my tears and rain intertwined...
The strong mother kept saying to me: "You have to fight for your breath, they look down on you, just study hard and let them open their eyes and take a look."
Mom has very strict requirements on me, no matter whether it is learning or dealing with people, she is very strict.
When I was three or four years old, I ran back from outside and was so hungry that I reached out to grab the dishes on the plate. My mother picked up the stick and knocked my hand hard.
When she first started school, she didn't write her homework seriously, so she teared it for me without saying a word.
She said with a grudge: "You have to be strong!"
Mother's words were engraved in my bones, I must be strong.
I never have to worry about studying, listen carefully to the class, complete every homework carefully, and always tighten the clockwork for myself, and will not relax a little.
I must first take the exam and be a "three good student". Only then will my family give me a good face.
Later, I got into college and got a very good job.
Everyone in the family looked at me differently and began to change their attitude towards me. The whole family could sit together happily.
It turns out that the love of family members is also conditional. Only girls like me are qualified to be loved only if they are excellent.
I long for someone to save me, someone to love me unconditionally and without reservation, the person I chose is my husband, I work hard to get my husband's care and recognition.
So, I used twelve points of strength to please him and take care of him. I gave my happiness completely to my husband. When he said yes, I was happy, and when he said he didn't say yes, I felt uncomfortable.
Only now knows what a huge burden this is for him.
When our relationship is in crisis, I am completely disappointed and instantly fall to the bottom of my life.
After drinking, I finally broke out and pointed at my husband and cried loudly: "Can you do it well? Let me love you well, can you do everything for you?"
...
Thank you very much for the coach and partners who accompanied me. If it weren't for them, I would have collapsed completely.
"Don't pay for other people's mistakes." The coach said to me.
Yes, I'm not wrong.
At that time, I realized: Although I am an adult, I am still the timid little girl in my heart.
I went back to the past again and again, accompanying myself of fear, fear, inferiority, and anger, and embracing them warmly and meeting their needs.
I found the person who can always love me, accompany me, and never abandon me, that is myself.
I saw my own excellence - cleverness, decisiveness, agility, strong observation, tenacity, and ability to endure hardships... and these qualities come from the sufferings of the past. Others' rolling eyes, indifference, and unfairness have inspired my potential abilities.
I also saw: From childhood to adulthood, many people love me, mother, brother, teacher, classmates, friends, husband... and even many strangers, who have supported me along the way to achieve what I am now.
When I look at my grandma's preference for boys over girls, I feel relieved: Grandma is very pitiful. As a woman, she looks down on women. She grew up in such an atmosphere, and this concept has been implanted into her bones and blood, which is a burden of intergenerational inheritance.
Grandma is old and can't change it.
However, I have removed this burden and my daughter will not repeat my past.
Finally, I want to give you a sentence from Hailan teacher:
If you indulge in the past, you will become a victim; if you learn and grow from past experiences, you will be the leader of your own destiny.
The original family is a place that each of us can't escape.
The more you grow up, the more you find: there is no perfect native family, everyone's growth is accompanied by more or less regrets.
Why should we heal the wounds of our native family?
Because we could have lived happier;
Because we don’t want our children to repeat the old paths of the past.
Is it difficult to heal the injuries of the native family?
When you start to change, it is not difficult.
The most difficult thing is that you know that you have injuries and know that the pain can be healed, but you can't take the step of change and are always addicted to pain.
Dear, do you have any pain that has not been healed? You are invited to share in the comment section.
