A few days ago, the assistant received a call from a visiting mother. Her voice on the phone was full of anger:
“After the teacher consulted the child, she asked me to pay more attention to the child, but the child conflicted with me. Bigger! What should I do?”
I later learned that parents did listen to my advice. Because the child did not go to school, she stayed at home to take care of the child's life. Wake the children up every morning, urge them to study, stop them from playing with mobile phones, arrange for children to do sports, eat and sleep on time...
But the effect of this is not as good as expected. The strong resistance and resistance shown by the children make it difficult for them to do so. She was angry, helpless and aggrieved.
This is also a problem faced by many parents: Why do my children just not see my love after I have paid so much? How can we effectively care for and accompany ?
1 Excessive love
There is no doubt that parents love their children. Many parents "hope that their sons will become dragons and their daughters will become phoenixes" and they do not hesitate to invest a lot of money and time.
I once saw someone enroll themselves in Mathematical Olympiad, English and other classes in order to help their children learn. Under the triple pressure of work, taking care of the elderly, and taking care of children, the rare rest time is increasingly occupied. And the more parents give, the more they hope their children will give the same "return"; in the end, they and their children will be exhausted physically and mentally - this is actually "excessive love" .
Love is a beautiful feeling that can give people warmth and strength. But "excessive love" is not like this. It will overwhelm people and even hinder the growth of children.——
1.1 Exploration of the world in early childhood
Give an example in life: when a child eats a toy with his mouth, Parents worry that toys are dirty and contaminated with bacteria, so they take them away. In fact, at this time, children are exploring the world with their mouths, feeling the material, hardness, and taste of substances... These rich experiences can help children better develop their sense of taste and sensory perception. If these experiences are lacking during the critical period, problems will arise in the child's growth and development.
Therefore, don’t deprive your child of the opportunity to explore and grow out of care and love. :
When your child is young, don’t be afraid of him bumping into him and keep him lying in the crib. Children's vision is broader . When they see the larger world, their spiritual development will undergo great changes, and their scope of activities will become wider and wider.
When your child is learning to walk, don't worry about him wrestling , just hold him and don't let him go. When a child learns to walk, he knows that he can walk over and take what he wants, which means that he begins to gain the ability to control his own life. In this way, children will be more motivated .
When a child is learning to speak, even if you can guess his purpose at once, don't let the child make a sound or make an action to satisfy his needs immediately. Wait for him to slowly express his thoughts through language and exercise the muscles in his mouth, so that the child will not be prone to "big tongue " later on.
If parents interfere too much with their children's growth out of pampering, and the children's task of exploring the world is interrupted by "love", the children may think that exploration and learning are very painful when they grow up. Then they become more introverted, afraid to try too much, and easily withdraw into their own world.
1.2 The autonomy of adolescence
Adolescent children are often described as "rebellious". In addition to the emotional fluctuations caused by changes in hormone levels caused by endocrine, there is also the desire to be more in control of one's life along with psychological and physiological growth.
But for parents, it is difficult to let go of the role of "caregiver."Because I have become accustomed to the parenting model of "children put forward needs/discover children's needs and meet children's needs themselves", and I am used to helping children make decisions and solve problems; and then I have to accept the transformation of children "wanting to make decisions on their own", It takes time and preparation. Therefore, it is indeed easy to ignore the children's feelings out of concern and concern.
At this time, the children will feel at the same time their parents' " care and concern" and their own " autonomy being deprived".
"Deprivation of autonomy" makes them sad, angry, and difficult to accept, and the accompanying "care" makes this emotion unable to be released . If parents and children cannot communicate effectively and adjust the way they get along; if such internal conflicts accumulate for a long time, they may explode - what we call "rebellious behavior".
Therefore, it is not that children cannot see their parents' "love", but that "excessive love" occupies their lives, making them lose their sense of control, resulting in various emotional and behavioral reactions. .
In the process of raising children, what kind of care is appropriate? What kind of companionship is effective?
2 Effective care and companionship
2.1 Awareness and conscious self-adjustment
We must first learn to ask ourselves:
Are our expectations for our children mixed with our own inner regrets and childhood experiences and feelings?
We need to distinguish between "my unfulfilled wish when I was a child" and what is "my child's wish"; we must also see clearly whether the person who "needs a lot of companionship and care" is the child or the childhood self; are we Use "excessive love" to compensate for your lack of companionship and care in your childhood?
We follow the way our parents educate us in our bones. Whether we like it or not, the subconscious imprint is difficult to change.
But we are not entirely controlled by our subconscious mind. Conscious awareness and adjustment is a course of parenting, and it is also the reason why today's parents are constantly learning and improving.
2.2 Listening and respecting
Sometimes we may be able to provide physical companionship, but due to reasons such as lack of concentration, poor emotional state, and neglect of the child's personal feelings, the child is not provided with psychological companionship. This is what counselors call "care and companionship."
When parents put down some excessive care, treat teenage children as independent individuals, listen to and respect their thoughts and feelings, children can feel that "they are safe and supported when they are with their parents." Yes, powerful.” Only then can you tell your true inner thoughts to your parents, and then draw on the power of love in "accompaniment" to start exploring and trying out life.
When children adjust themselves, parents should not worry too much and let the children make their own arrangements. This can also allow the children to feel the unconditional love of their parents, be healed in love, and gain strength.
An appropriate amount of care and companionship is a powerful escort for children's healthy psychology and growth. Sometimes it is more beneficial for parents to ask themselves "what not to do" than to endlessly ponder "what to do".
This is not about letting go, but always being there for the child when he needs it.
