Text/37 Degree Nuan Dad If you hadn’t seen it with your own eyes, it would be hard to believe this scene... In the green space of the community, an 8-year-old boy slapped two girls on his own, and apologized while slapping himself. The two girls were about eleven or twelve years

Text/37 Degree Warm Dad

If you hadn’t seen it with your own eyes, it would be hard to believe this scene...

In the green space of the community, an 8-year-old boy slapped two girls on his own, and apologized while slapping himself. The two girls were about eleven or twelve years old. One had her hands on her waist and the other had her arms folded. They looked at the boy with a mocking face as he slapped himself, and shouted: "Harder, or I won't play with you anymore." "

This scene made me suffer from occupational disease. I walked up to stop the boy from hurting himself and asked why. The boy lowered his head and said nothing, and the two girls said carelessly: "Who asked him to jump out and scare us just now? If he doesn't slap us, we won't play with him."

"If you are asked by others to slap yourself, , will you be happy?" I asked the two girls.

"Only fools beat themselves up." The two girls seemed to think my problem was very serious.

The boy's head was lowered and his shoulders were shaking irregularly. I squatted down and said to the boy: "Kid, you have to remember that you can't please the whole world, and you can't make everyone like you. If you feel that someone If it makes you uncomfortable, you can tell your parents, you can refuse other people's unreasonable requests, or you can refuse to associate with him. "

Because of worry, I sent the boy home. At the door, my mother said a gentle nonsense to her son: "You are so stupid, you hit someone when they ask you to? Why don't you hit her?"

looked up, and my mother smiled and thanked me: "Little child It's okay to have some conflicts! Please take the trouble to send it back. "

It's okay... Accusing... How many children have become humble pleasers because of their parents' neglect!

I don't want to label others as a "pleaser personality". Maybe there is just a part of people who please, so I'll just call them people pleasers.

They have low self-esteem and are sensitive, with a strong sense of unworthiness and unworthiness. They believe that only by performing better can they be liked by others. I hope that my contribution can be seen in the relationship, but I am always the one who gets hurt. Even if they are unhappy, they dare not show aggression. They are worried that the other party will not be able to bear their attacks and the relationship will break down. They often have high expectations for relationships, so they are often disappointed.

They are like beggars, hoping that others will discover their own value, and then they will find it sweet if they can give a little affection. Therefore, pleasers also easily trust others. They are cautious in various relationships, but it is difficult for them to have a good interpersonal experience. Because of flattery, this kind of boundary-blurred behavior seems to be inviting the other party to "invade" you, which will only make the other party intensify.

Children will internalize the scenes of interaction with their parents and become a template for their own interaction with the outside world. or to put it more bluntly: how children think their parents treat themselves, others will treat them the same way. On the other hand, people pleasers usually cannot see their true value, have a low sense of self-worth, and always attribute other people's problems to the fact that they are not good enough.

In the drama "Female Psychologist ", Mo Yu's workplace story and childhood experience perfectly explain the psychological dynamics of a pleaser:

Scene 1:

It was raining heavily outside, and Mo Yu had already walked downstairs to the company, looking at Following a colleague's request to buy milk tea on WeChat, even though I was reluctant, I still went to buy milk tea. Because he wants others to see his dedication and make others like him.

Scene 2:

Colleagues from the company got off work early and went to KTV together, but Mo Yu did not receive the invitation. The day before, a colleague who had just joined the company invited everyone to dinner and temporarily changed the hotel without notifying Mo Yu. On the way home by taxi, he also received a request from his colleagues to help with overtime work, and Mo Yu compromised again. There was a huge contrast between the happy mood of his colleagues and the state of Mo Yu working overtime holding instant noodles.

Why is he so "cowardly"? Why don’t you dare to refuse other people’s unreasonable requests? Because he has an irrational belief in his heart: I can't be willful. Others don't like me because I'm not good enough.

Scene 3:

When Mo Yu was a child, he told his parents: "Some people have bullied me recently. I don't like others giving me nicknames and pushing me."

The busy father lowered his head, his eyes never leaving the desk: " That's because your classmates are joking with you! If you don't like it, just tell them that you can't be as willful as at home and get along well with your classmates. "

" I said it, but they didn't listen," Xiao Moyu retorted very aggrievedly.

"If you didn't provoke them first, how could they bully you?" My mother applies the theory of "no fly bites, no eggs" with ease.

With the encouragement of his parents, Mo Yu mastered new skills to please. I think little Moyu must have been lonely, scared and helpless at that time!

Generally speaking, parents who have the following behaviors are likely to raise children with a pleaser personality:

First, they often blame and criticize their children. parents hope that their children will be obedient, because this can greatly reduce the parents' investment in child care. In such an environment, children gradually learn to ignore their own feelings and force themselves to pay attention to their parents' emotions and feelings.

Second, there is a lack of unconditional acceptance and love. For example, : if the test scores are good, the parents will be happy, the family atmosphere will be more harmonious, and the children will be rewarded with gifts. This method will make the children feel that their parents' love is demanding. Only if I perform better and be more well-behaved can I maintain a harmonious family atmosphere and gain the love of my parents. Therefore, children will cater to their parents requirements and ignore their own needs.

Third, parents always compare their children with other children. Parents like to compare all aspects of their children with other children, especially comparing their children's shortcomings and weaknesses with outstanding children. As a result, the child loses self-confidence, has low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth, and develops a pleaser personality.

Fourth, parents ignore the needs of their children. When children make certain requests, parents reject them with a tough, neglectful, and indifferent attitude. For example: Dad is busy, you can't ask for this thing, you go play by yourself... Words such as this will make children think that their needs are not important, thus creating feelings of guilt and shame.

In short, humans are social animals and have social attributes. When a child cannot get his spiritual needs met at home, he will naturally look outside. Children who are pleasers, because they lack a safe emotional connection with their parents at home, or cannot get it at home, can only seek it from outside the world. Therefore, people behave in a pleasing manner in interpersonal relationships in the hope of gaining acceptance from the group.

Regarding ingratiation, something special needs to be explained: We need to help children get rid of subconscious ingratiation, which is unconscious ingratiation behavior, rather than saying that there must be no ingratiation behavior. For example: We will please our leaders, wives (husbands), and friends. This kind of flattering is conscious flattering, so that we can deal with some things or live better.

Therefore, there is no right or wrong way to please. Ingratiation is also a resource for people. Generally speaking, pleasers have high emotional sensitivity and can easily detect the subtle emotional changes of others. If you adjust and use it well, you will show high emotional intelligence in relationships.

If you have discovered that your child has begun to show favorability or even has a pleasing personality, you can do this:

First, encourage your child more, build up self-confidence, and develop an independent personality. On the basis of accumulating successful experience, adjusts its own cognition, rediscovers and affirms its self-worth.

Second, no longer use well-behaved, obedient, good grades, etc. as exchange conditions for loving children. tries to accept children and love unconditionally, and will not increase or decrease parents' love for their children just because the children behave well or poorly.

Third, parents respect their children's personal feelings, rather than using their own life experiences, standards, and feelings to judge and measure their children's feelings. The purpose of respecting children is to help them learn to respect themselves and their own feelings. Only when children start to like themselves and respect themselves will they win the respect of others.

Fourth, allow children to express aggression and different opinions. Only when children can start to express their emotions and aggression reasonably can they have enough psychological energy to reject other people's unreasonable demands.

Conclusion: Pleasers are good people who are reluctant to hurt others, so they often endure grievances to cater to others. Therefore, if they cannot get rid of the flattery attached to them, they will not be able to live a good life. When grievances, self-blame, and guilt accumulate too much, it can even lead to depression. If your child also has pleasing traits, please help him become strong and independent as soon as possible, because he is very weak and will not reject others or protect himself.