Regarding "yelling at children", many parents said that after yelling at their children, they are not afraid that they will cry or reason with you afterwards, but they are afraid that their children will no longer "stop crying or scolding" and mute their emotions. status.
For children, there is a kind of helplessness in the world: "Mom thinks it can't be done without yelling." For parents, there is a kind of despair in the world: "After yelling at your child, you don't know what the silent little thing is thinking."
Compared with children who talk back and reason with their parents, those who do not speak after being yelled at are the ones that worry and worry their parents the most.
A domestic educational short film called "How Much Damage Can Words Cause" is only two minutes long, but it is very shocking. Maybe you may have just said some of these words to your own children:
"You don't think it's embarrassing, but I think it's embarrassing!"
"I've never seen anyone as stupid as you!"
"Look at other people's children!"
......
We should not think that only hitting children will hurt them. But they don’t know that verbal harm will also leave a deep mark on children. The terrible thing is that this kind of verbal harm exists in large numbers in our daily education, and it happens repeatedly over time.
searched for the keyword "parental verbal violence" on Zhihu and found that many self-reporters who grew up in a "yelling" education environment from their parents were either fearful and did not know what crazy actions their parents would do next; or they were timid. , can't arouse interest in anything.
Some self-reporters wrote:
"I know that my mother's verbal violence is terrible, but what's even more terrifying is that I found that I had subtly learned her language habits, and unconsciously brought emotions into my words. , every word is hurting... I know that if this continues, it will only push the person I love further and further away, but I can't control myself." So I gradually closed the window in my heart. When I was sad, I tried to comfort myself, write diaries, go shopping, and reward myself with delicious food. I started to be silent in front of my family, and tried to escape to places other than home. I also remembered that if I was lucky enough to start a family in the future, I would take care of him. , I can’t let the same sadness happen to my children. "
" looks normal outside, but is very irritable at home. I can never talk to them in a gentle tone, and I have low self-esteem and sensitivity. Every word from others can hurt me. , moody, and very defensive about others. Anyone who has hurt me will never come close to me again. "
Children who don't speak after being yelled at are actually a manifestation of psychological trauma.
The reasons are as follows:
Some children are out of fear, their sense of safety is hurt, they no longer trust their parents, they forcibly disconnect from their parents emotionally, distance themselves from their parents, and begin to doubt in their hearts, "Mom and Dad are Don't you love me anymore?"
Some children have become accustomed to it and just break the rules. Although they are full of dissatisfaction, they are too lazy to refute. Deliberately using this kind of "uncooperation" to annoy parents, the subtext is "I can't afford to offend, I can afford to hide";
The most serious thing is that the child feels that his self-esteem has been crushed, has emotional disorders, is no longer confident, and even has low self-esteem and autistic tendency, afraid that whatever I say to my parents will be wrong.
Indeed, yelling at children can temporarily calm them down, or make them obedient and obedient, which can solve some minor problems at hand. However, it leaves great hidden dangers for children's growth. Especially for the kind of children who "cannot cry when beaten or scolded", the psychological damage is inestimable.
For parents, yelling may only happen for a minute, but for children, the damage may last a lifetime. Dr. Montessori said: Every character defect is caused by some kind of wrong treatment experienced by children in early childhood. Psychology also believes that any mental illness can be traced back to childhood trauma.
Children who have lived under the "yelling" education for a long time are like the little penguin in the classic German picture book "The Mother Who Yells When She's Angry".It was frightened out of its wits by the roars of its parents, and was filled with fear and insecurity. Although it wanted to speak and express its feelings and needs, it was worried that no one would listen.
Over time, the only way to avoid harm is to "not speak".
Children who do not speak after being yelled at are prone to develop the following personalities:
Indecisive and unconfident;
Cowardly and lack of opinion;
Solitary and unsociable and poor at dealing with interpersonal relationships.
What's more important is that these children generally have no sense of security, have an instinctive rejection of family affection, and do not know how to get along with family members in the parent-child relationship.
Deep love brings deep responsibility. No parent can avoid yelling at their children. If the child "doesn't cry, scolds or says anything", we should be more vigilant.
What should we do to "rescue" the injured child?
Put down your body and go to comfort the frightened child
Although we all say that we want to be a loving mother and love each other with our children, however, in parent-child education, if we are not careful, we will end up with a plastic mother-child (mother-daughter) relationship.
Once we yell at our child, please remember to give yourself a few minutes to calm down. After the emotion calms down, squat down, try to hug your child, and tell him:
"Although mom yelled at you, mom still cares about you." The love has not diminished at all. Next time, mother must try to control her emotions. "
Guide children to express their emotions.
Emotions are energetic. Parents yelling at their children transmits negative energy to their children. Children are projected by negative energy and feel fear. , resist this energy by "not speaking".
But in fact, many children do not have the ability to digest negative energy. If they do not speak for a long time, they will only let the negative energy accumulate in their hearts.
When the harm is caused, parents must make amends afterwards.
Calmly guide children to express their true thoughts, teach them how to express emotions and resolve emotions, and solemnly assure them that this is just an exchange of emotions, not a correction of right or wrong.
Accept your own imperfections and accept your children's imperfections
There is a "perfect child" living deep in everyone's heart. We try to educate our children according to this standard and let them live according to the way in their hearts. growing up. Yelling at children is actually a form of parents' disapproval of themselves.
In fact, every child is unique. He can only be himself, not a copy of us, and it is impossible for him to grow up to be what his parents want.
Yin Jianli once said:
When it comes to children, the greatest civilization for adults is to stand from the child's perspective, try to understand what he is doing, and guide his growth in a way that he is willing to accept.
You must treat him as an equal as a "person", not as a "weak person" to conquer.
