When many parents educate their children, they may try their best to reason with their children, but the children just don't listen, so they are very frustrated.
My friend Xiaoyun has been troubled by this recently. Her children don’t know what’s going on lately. They always like to throw toys around. Not only does the house become messy, but they also like to throw toys at people.
But because Xiaoyun has always adhered to the principle of "not hitting children", even if she is very angry, she will try to restrain herself and continue to reason with her children, hoping that the children can stop their current behavior through her reasoning. .
But the child didn't appreciate it. He still threw toys around, and even got worse. Whenever he saw someone coming to the house, he would throw toys at people. Finally, Xiaoyun couldn't bear it anymore, so he beat the child.
This scene must have appeared in many families. Parents were reluctant to do anything to their children, so they would try to reason with their children, but in the end they got too worried and beat their children.
Therefore, many parents feel very confused. Today's education experts have always advocated reasoning with children, but after they reason with their children, the children do not cooperate at all. How can this be reasonable? So why do parents try to reason with their children, but the children don’t cooperate? Let’s take a closer look at this for parents.
Why is it ineffective to reason with children?
Many parents feel that they are doing it for their children's benefit, so they reason with them and do not fight with their children. They are very qualified parents, but why don't their children cooperate with them?
1) Children cannot understand what their parents mean.
Many parents actually ignore the differences between children and adults when educating their children. For example, thirty plus forty-five is a very simple addition in the eyes of parents, and the result can be obtained by mental arithmetic, but children cannot do it. They even need to use scratch paper to calculate the result step by step.
Therefore, in the eyes of parents, although some truths are very simple, children cannot understand them. They don't even know what the parents mean, so they have no way to cooperate with their parents.
For example, parents always like to talk about how hard it is for them to make money, but their children have no experience of making money and working, so they cannot understand what the hard work their parents mean.
Therefore, if parents want their children to understand what they are saying, they might as well put themselves in their shoes and think about whether their children can understand what they are saying.
2) Constantly reasoning will bring pressure to children
Professor Li Meijin once said: Many parents’ nagging will actually bring pressure to children invisibly. When many parents educate their children, their original intention is to hope that their children will avoid detours and suffer less losses, so they will constantly reason with their children, hoping that their children will follow their own ideas.
But after a long time, children will feel pressured by their parents’ nagging, because they may not be able to do what their parents say, so they don’t know what they should do to satisfy their parents.
Therefore, in this case, children will gradually develop resistance. They may consciously avoid their parents' demands and are unwilling to bear the pressure brought by their parents. Therefore, parents will feel that their children will not listen to anything they say, which is very disrespectful. Cooperate with yourself.
3) Children have their own ideas and codes of conduct
After each child is born, he will gradually develop his own thoughts. They will have their own understanding and understanding of the world, and they will also have their own codes of conduct.
However, many parents are not aware of this, so they do not regard their children as independent individuals, so conflicts easily arise.
Take the author as an example. My parents have never been aware of this, so they always impose their ideas on me and compulsively require me, which leads to many conflicts.
Even though I now have my own family, my relationship with my parents is still very poor, because my parents don’t think there is anything wrong with me, and they even ask me to act according to their requirements.
What is the side door effect?
As a parent, if you want your children to listen to you, it is for the sake of your children, but if you choose the wrong method, your children's uncooperation will become more obvious.
Therefore, parents can try to use the side door effect to educate their children, because this method can not only play a good educational role, but also prevent children from developing rebellious psychology.
Why can the side door effect be so effective? Because the "side door effect" does not directly affect children, but affects children indirectly, so that children are affected subtly.
Therefore, under this influence, children are more likely to accept their parents' requests for themselves, and it is not easy to arouse children's rebellious psychology. Therefore, the "side door effect" is very suitable for children who refuse to listen to reason.
After all, under this effect, children will not feel the parents' intentions, so they will not feel the pressure brought by their parents.
How do parents use the "side door effect" to educate their children?
Since the side door effect can have a very good effect when educating children, parents can take advantage of this effect and educate their children accordingly based on the actual situation.
◎ Let the children bear the consequences of their mistakes
Many parents often have such misunderstandings when educating their children. Because they feel very sorry for their children, they are unwilling to let their children suffer for fear that their children will suffer a blow.
However, when educating children, the author does not agree with this view, because under the influence of the side door effect, properly allowing children to bear the consequences of their own mistakes often allows children to better understand and remember.
For example, the author's child likes to play in the fitness equipment area in the community. However, because the child is not tall and not very old, some projects are not suitable.
Children are very good and have their own ideas, so no matter what the author says, you should play projects that are not suitable for you. Later, the author thought of a way. As long as the child wants to play, he will agree to it and will not block the child. At the same time, he will no longer watch him from the side like before.
So that time, the child did not have a good experience at all without the help of the author. Because he was not tall enough, it was very difficult to even stand on it. Later, when I took my children to play, they no longer clamored to play with equipment that was not suitable for them, but actively looked for equipment that suited them.
Therefore, when raising children, if parents try to reason with their children, but the children always refuse to listen or cooperate, then they might as well let go appropriately. Because the consequences of mistakes can make them remember the problems very deeply, so that they will not make these problems again.
◎In life, use actual situations to educate children
In the book " Positive Discipline ", the author mentioned that it is best to discipline children in a positive and good atmosphere, so that children can be compared Positive influence, not hurt by violence or scolding.
Therefore, when many parents are struggling with how to obey and discipline their children, they might as well use some actual situations in reality to educate them, which can often achieve good results.
Because parents give all kinds of reasoning to their children, but the children cannot listen, and they also feel that the parents have given them a lot of pressure, so parents might as well give up nagging and instead use things that can be seen everywhere in life to educate their children.
For example, parents can watch some social news with their children in the evening. Then while watching the news, parents can discuss with their children through the played content and exchange ideas and opinions with their children.
In this way, the children will not feel that the parents are giving them ideological education lessons. Instead, the children will be subtly influenced and brainwashed by the parents under this kind of insinuation. This is far better than constantly giving the children It is better to be reasonable and achieve better results.
◎Parents use their own behavior to guide their children
Many parents will actually ignore this, but parents are their children's best teachers. Because the time children spend with their parents far exceeds the time they spend with other people, the words and deeds of parents will affect their children in a subtle way.
So instead of worrying about educating your children at home, but the children always don’t listen to you, you might as well reflect on yourself and see if your words and deeds in front of your children are appropriate.
Let’s take the author as an example. My child doesn’t like eating green leafy vegetables very much. Every time I let him eat a green leafy vegetable, it’s like killing him.
Later on, I stopped forcing my children, but I made an agreement with every member of the family that everyone would rush to eat vegetables at every meal, creating the appearance that vegetables are very delicious.
This trick worked really well. After seeing the family members rushing to eat vegetables, the children also tried to eat vegetables, and even became the ones who enjoyed the most. Every time they eat, they will I took the initiative to put a lot of vegetables into the bowl, for fear that there would be no more vegetables later.
Therefore, when parents educate their children, if preaching is not effective, they might as well try this author's trick to directly influence them through their daily behaviors, and the effect will be very good.
When parents educate their children, if one education method does not work, then they might as well change to other education methods, because this may have very good results.
is like a "side door effect" education method. Parents can also apply it to real education based on their own actual situation. This is far better than directly beating or scolding their children or nagging them endlessly.
However, for this kind of education method, parents should also look at the actual reactions of their children, because not every education method is suitable for children, and it is inevitable that there will be situations where the child is not adapted to the environment or does not work.
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