Author: Lan Xi (Fushu columnist)
There is a topic online: Why are children unwilling to communicate with their parents when they grow up?
A netizen pointed out the problem sharply: When your child wants to communicate with you, you ignore it or just preach, instead of comforting him from the child's perspective. Over time, the child will no longer want to communicate with you.
When facing children to communicate with themselves, they do not realize that they need to listen attentively. In the long run, not only will the child be unwilling to talk anymore, but it will also have a great impact on his heart.
An organization once conducted 280 questionnaires on the communication situation between children and parents.
The results found that 52% of children have nothing to say to their parents, 26% of children occasionally say a few words to their parents, and only 22% of children communicate with their parents regularly.
In a survey of parents, 70% of mothers did not have the patience to listen to their children.
Whether children are willing to communicate often depends on their parents.
As parents, it is important to pay attention to listening and learn to listen. This is of great significance to both the children and the parent-child relationship.
Not knowing how to listen is the fuse that destroys the parent-child relationship
In the documentary "Mirror", there is a high school freshman named Jiaming.
Two weeks into school, he still hadn’t gone to school and was unwilling to communicate with his parents. Later, he learned that the root of the problem lay with his parents.
Before Jiaming’s high school entrance examination, his parents promised him to travel after the high school entrance examination, but they did not fulfill their promise.
In daily life, his parents never trust him or affirm him. Any request he made or something he wanted to do was rejected directly before he had even listened to it.
He has been fond of kittens and puppies since he was a child. He has proposed to keep them many times but has not been able to do so. Even if he bought them back, his parents would throw them away.
His daily necessities were bought by his parents. He never asked for his opinion, but only asked him to study hard.
Parents who are unwilling to listen never know his inner thoughts, let alone what his hobbies are, and will only impose their own ideas on him.
Because he has been denied and suppressed by his parents, he gradually rebelled against his parents by surfing the Internet and skipping school, which caused the relationship between parent and child to become very bad.
Jiaming was not unwilling to communicate with his parents from the beginning, but it was the fruitless communication that made him no longer willing to tell his parents about his thoughts.
But deep down in his heart, he longed for his parents to listen to his voice and understand his thoughts.
Children communicate with their parents in order to attract their parents' attention, to pay attention to what he said, to pay attention to the impact of this thing on him, or to pay attention to his current mood.
If parents don’t know how to listen, or are unwilling to listen, in the eyes of their children, it means that their parents don’t pay attention to themselves and don’t love themselves. This will not only undermine their children’s self-confidence, but also make them feel insecure.
When children lack a sense of security, they will try to attract their parents' attention in some ways, but parents do not have the patience to listen and understand their children. As a result, the relationship between parents and children will endlessly fall into a vicious cycle, getting worse and worse.
Listening is the key to a child’s heart
Writing teacher Sister Mao once shared an incident between her and her children.
One night, she took her children to ride on the amusement car in front of the shopping mall.
There are two seats in each row of the amusement car. Her child happily climbed onto the car and sat on the right seat. At this time, a little sister came and wanted to sit on the left side of the child.
When the little sister sat down, the child quickly reached out and hit the little sister. Sister Cat scolded the child out of instinct.
The child retracted his hand after being scolded, his mouth pursed in grievance, and tears welled up in his eyes.
Then, Sister Cat thought of his recent obstacles in expression, changed her attitude, and asked him softly: Why do you want to hit someone?
Unexpectedly, the child patted the position on the left and said: Mommy sits here.
It turns out that Sister Cat always sits on the left side of the child every time she takes the amusement ride, so in the child's mind, this position belongs to the mother and no one else can sit there.
Fortunately, Sister Cat changed her mind and listened to her child's voice, so she did not misunderstand her child's behavior.
Voltaire said: "The ears are the road to the soul."
In the process of getting along with children, listening is really important. It will allow parents to understand the reasons behind things more deeply, so that they will not misunderstand their children. , causing the child's soul to be harmed.
Psychological research has found that: Parents who listen carefully will make their children aware of their own value, and will make their children feel that they are important in the eyes of their parents and worthy of being respected and loved, which will make them understand better. Self-esteem and self-love, while being more willing to express yourself.
Only when a child is willing to express can parents have the opportunity to understand him, know his true inner thoughts, and get along better.
The important thing is that when parents are willing to listen to their children, children will also be more willing to listen to their parents and respect their parents.
The relationship between parents and children is mutual. Parents are attentive to their children, and children will naturally be attentive to their parents.
Listening requires methods
Psychologist Li Meijin said: If parents do not understand their children's psychology, then your efforts will be in vain.
As a parent, it is important to know how to listen. Because you know how to listen, you can understand your children better and educate them accordingly.
But when listening, you also need to master a good method in order to listen effectively.
1. Pay attention when listening.
said in the book "The Road Less Traveled ":
"Real listening requires considerable effort no matter how short the time. First, it requires the listener's undivided attention."
You can't listen to others and do other things at the same time.
Parents should put things aside and really pay attention to what their children are saying. If you are unwilling to put aside what your children are saying, it means that you are not willing to really put things aside. Listen.”
Paying attention is important when listening to your child. When your child is telling you something seriously, you might as well put down your phone, stop what you are doing, and listen to your child carefully.
At the same time, respond with "yes", "right", "that's it", etc. at the appropriate time, or nod and smile to let the child know that you are really listening to him.
Usually when my child tells me interesting things about his kindergarten, I will listen to him carefully and respond from time to time until he finishes.
Therefore, the child will often share his things with me and can bravely express his thoughts.
Whether a child is willing to express often depends on whether the parents are attentive when listening.
There is a Buddhist proverb that asks the listener: Don’t rush to do anything, just stand there.
2. Listen without rebuttal
A mother bought two corns and asked her child to give one to her grandma. As a result, the child said she wanted to taste both corns first.
After hearing this, the mother angrily reprimanded the child: "How can you do this? This is a selfish act. Give one to grandma quickly."
Unexpectedly, the child cried and said: "Grandma has bad teeth. I want to pick one." Give grandma a soft one."
French educationist Pamela Druckman said:
" Even if there is something wrong with their children, parents have the responsibility to listen and understand their children's motives when they have unusual reactions. , there must be a reason behind it. ”
When listening to a child talk about something or a request, even if it seems wrong to us, we should not rush to a conclusion to refute or educate the child. You can listen to what he has to say first, and many times there will be unexpected results.
3. Listen without expressing
Dr. Marshall Luxemburg once said: "In order to listen to others, we need to put aside our existing thoughts and judgments and understand the other person wholeheartedly."
Dr. Luxemburg's daughter looked in the mirror one time and said: "I am ugly. Like a pig."
So Dr. Luxemburg comforted her: "You are the most beautiful girl in the world!" However, the daughter slammed the door and left with an unhappy look.
At this time, Dr. Luxemburg realized that the comfort was obviously inappropriate, or he should pay more attention to her feelings and ask: "Are you disappointed with your image today?"
As a parent, sometimes it is not necessary to listen. Speak, let alone express your thoughts.
Because sometimes when a child expresses something or a certain point of view, what he needs is not his parents’ evaluation of the matter or suggestions, but for his parents to understand his situation or understand his inner feelings.
If his parents comfort or suggest him at this time, it will only make him feel uncomfortable.
Psychotherapist Scott Pike pointed out: A true listener focuses on the other person, which is a concrete manifestation of love.
To truly love your children, you need to pay attention to them and listen carefully. Listening can help us enter the child's inner world and get along with him better.
Especially for older children, listening is more useful than reasoning. Therefore, we might as well swap roles with our children and let them become the narrator and we become his listeners.
When parents become the audience and the child becomes the protagonist, he can continuously tell his parents his thoughts, and then parents can know what their children need and what they don't need.
Under this premise, what parents give their children is what they really need, so that conflicts will not occur.
Like, A good parent-child relationship can be heard, not spoken. As a parent, knowing how to listen is more important than being able to speak.
About the author: Lan Xi, Fushu columnist , use words to heal yourself and warm others at the same time , article: Parents evolution theory , the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, no reproduction is allowed without authorization, and infringement will be prosecuted , Fushu launches a new book "Good Life"
in 2018
