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The most ideal and noble parents in the world must be the parents who love their children sincerely. And some parents naturally do not love their children, and they are also aware of this reality.
There is a kind of extremely "bad" parents in the world-parents who obviously don't love their children, but think they love their children deeply.
However, the above is not the worst parent. What is the worst parent?
The most hateful and worst parents are those who abuse their children emotionally and emotionally, but think they believe that they are parents who love their children. Simply think about it, and you will shudder: Such parents will obviously cause irreversible psychological damage to their children.
Because what they are best at is that they often practice emotional violence against their children in the name of love, turning them into their own ally to destroy their partners.
"The Art of Love", the famous psychologist Fromm, once gave a very clear definition of this category of people, that is "human kindness" Abuser" . Psychologists call this behavior of these parents "abuse" .Parents who love their children in this way are countless and most do not know it.
is a well-meaning abuser who is best at using emotional violence.
People who are accustomed to emotional violence or have such violent tendencies usually place themselves on the moral commanding heights of "I'm telling the actual situation" and "I'm all for your good."
and once the abused believes in the bewilderment of the words "I'm all for you" and "I'm telling you the actual situation", they will be like a pair of shackles, which will lock the emotions and hearts of the abused. Locked firmly and controlled by the other side ever since.
Fromm once sharply evaluated parents who abuse their children and emotionally violently, calling them "emotional devils" who wear moral masks and distort and constrain their children's lives and self-awareness at all costs.
Parents who are good at using emotional violence after conflicts between husband and wife often adopt various methods and methods to draw their children to their side.
They will speak bad things about each other in front of the children, expose each other's shortcomings in front of the children, and unscrupulously abuse each other's personality, and tell the children: "I'm telling you about you." The true face of his/her father/mother allows you to recognize exactly what kind of person he/she is."
Some parents are not just limited to venting their dissatisfaction with their partners in front of their children, and even asking their children to agree. Your own point of view, act together with yourself, and resist each other in daily life together.
This is the "alliance with children as a partner" relationship we mentioned earlier, and we are trying to use this as a bargaining chip to win this war between husband and wife.
The child is still young and cannot tell right from wrong. Of course, he will follow his father and scold his mother in a confused manner, or follow his mother to blame his father. And in the day-to-day quarrel between the parents, they were repeatedly "brainwashed", thinking that the father or mother is the bad person and the bad person that the other party said.
For example, when someone recalls childhood, he will think that his father is indifferent to himself, always busy working to make money, and never cares about his/her studies, because mother once told him/her: all your mother’s hard work What you can do, your mother has given everything for you, and your father is always going to lose your home, no matter how you study and no matter what you live...
In fact, many people only found out when they were adults. Without the father to make money to support the family, the mother alone cannot shoulder the responsibility of taking care of oneself independently.
For example, some people will intuitively feel that mothers actually care about and love themselves, such as being gentle, understanding their own thoughts and opinions, respecting their wishes, and taking care of their own life and diet.
But my father always tells him that his mother is unqualified, and his mother is busy at work, regardless of his home or him. In the mother's heart, your son/daughter is not as important as her job, and the father is taking care of it. You, dad gave everything for you, you have to stand on the side of dad and criticize mom so that she can correct her evil and return to righteousness...
Obviously sharp contradictions will be formed. When the child has no way of judging, the inner split is inevitable.
We all know that parents are the closest and most influential people to their children. The words and ideology of parents usually have a profound and ingrained influence on children.
Under the control of parents who are good at emotional violence and benevolent abuse, young children are paid attention to too much negative information by their parents during quarrels, so that they start to face the victim from a very young age. The emotionally violent father or mother develops resentment, dissatisfaction and even contempt.
This kind of emotionally abused child often does not know who is right and who is wrong between his parents, but he is confused by his parents and joins each other’s war team, and is considered to be split into the father’s camp and the mother. camp. And the self is distorted and deformed in this pull, and negative psychological emotions are accumulated.
Children who grow up in this environment, children who are kidnapped by their parents morally, will unknowingly give birth to "Why do I have to judge right or wrong?" "Why do I feel and see, follow me What my parents told me is different." Such questions and doubts, and tried to resist this kind of moral kidnapping, and sort out the inner confusion.
However, under the strength of their parents, they are often powerless to resist and can only be forced to choose the camp, but their heart must be collapsed and sad, which will gradually produce "I must Become strong, so that my parents will have no way to control me" thoughts and thoughts, the external manifestation will be a yearning for heroism, powerism, elitism, etc.
So,When they grow up, because subconsciously they have been in a state of resisting their parents to drag themselves, they will unknowingly substitute this state of resistance into their lives, leading to job burnout, desperate living, and living. Death from work, workaholics, power addiction and so on.
Objectively speaking, there are many parents who quarrel, and there are many stupid parents who force their children to choose sides to expand their own results.
Compared with wise parents who are quarreling between husband and wife and do not affect their children at all, couples who speak ill of each other to their children, men and women who push their children back when they disagree, are psychologically selfish and distorted to the extreme. .
When they quarrel, they all selfishly want to win by themselves, regardless of the child's position. Such parents are emotionally selfish, and emotional violence will be more serious and irreparable. And children often become the first victims after two adults kill each other.
Fortunately, many people have begun to understand and capture the truth as they grow up.
That is, when they gradually realize that what their parents say about the other person is not what they are experiencing in their lives and emotions, their self-awareness will prompt them to instill the concepts that have been instilled in their minds. , Make a distinction and contrast with the actual experience—— Dad is not as bad as my mother said, and mother is not as ruthless and indifferent and selfish as my father accuses.
At this point, the process of the child being abused by emotional violence has ended with the gradual maturity and self-recognition.
However,Although self-awareness blocks the possibility of parents continuing to abuse themselves, the negative psychological impact has been deeply imprinted in their subconscious, and will be in the future interpersonal and social interactions, especially in intimate relationships. , Gradually surfaced.
.-The End-
Author | Tommy
Edit | Yili Mi
First Psychological Lead Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
Reference: Weinstein, N., Przybylski , AK, & Ryan, RM (2012). The index of autonomous functioning: Development of a scale of human autonomy. Journal of Research in Personality, 46(4), 397-413.
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