reading | Personal growth | English
Have you ever experienced escaping?
Maybe you are browsing the article, just in your hope to escape the quarrel at home, or maybe because you want to avoid the state of constantly working overtime.
Each of us has experienced escape, so have you ever wondered why we escape? What are we really escaping?
in "What are you escaping: The truth you are afraid of facing will surely make you grow" mentioned that we rarely escape external problems, but like to escape psychological pain.
As mentioned earlier, you are browsing the articles on the surface to escape quarrels at home, but in fact you are escaping the truth about problems with your family relationships.
Why do we use article swiping to avoid the real problem? Because it is too painful to face the real thing, we are used to using methods to deceive ourselves to temporarily avoid the pain.
is addicted to the fantasy of our own knitting. We keep deceiving ourselves to do a lot of things to maintain the fantasy of our own knitting, and then the harder we work, the more painful it is.
Maybe, in the face of life, self, and interpersonal relationships, the root of our pain is that we work too hard. We work too hard to weave scenes of our fantasy and too hard to escape the truth.
In "What Are You Escape: The Truth You Are Fearing, Will Make You Grow", author of Jon Frederickson of the United States.
In his book, he shows the consultation and dialogue process of people with psychological problems in life, workplace, family, and interpersonal relationships, and describes how we can avoid pain in our daily lives, and how we can face the truth, let go of our fantasies, and find solutions to the problem.
live in the fantasy of your own knitting, hoping to escape pain for a short time, but just take painkiller pills. The best way to escape pain is not to work hard to weave a fantasy world, but to let go of your obsession and embrace the reality.
1
Let go of your obsession and face your true self
Teacher Li Songwei once shared a case on his official account. A netizen who is studying for a doctorate has been postponed for several years and cannot write a paper, but he is playing games crazy every day.
How far has he played the game? Those games are already very familiar, and he even feels disgusted when he hears the sound of the game, but at the end of each game, he will continue to play the next game.
Every game is very painful. The game can no longer bring him happiness, but he still does not give up on the game. Because he doesn't want to write a paper, he hopes to waste time through games, but he just doesn't want to start writing a paper.
Teacher Li Songwei asked him: "What are you escaping?"
Netizens said: "Of course I am escaping writing papers."
Teacher Li Songwei replied to the netizen, saying: "Since you think writing papers is so painful, it means you are really not suitable for scientific research. It is better to give up. You are a free person, and your life is so long, there is no need to trap yourself in the same place."
After a long time, the netizen replied: "I have persisted for too long in learning this matter. You must persist, at least have an explanation to your parents and relatives. I have done this for so many years, and there is no way to look back now."
Seeing this netizen's reply, is he really escaping writing papers?
is not, what he really escapes is himself.
Maybe he is unwilling to learn, but he persists for so long and becomes the top student in everyone's eyes. However, he does not like to study, but he must learn under the pressure of "top student". Perhaps it was because I was unwilling to face society, so I would rather postpone it for so many years.
In this netizen, avoiding writing papers is easier than facing his true self.
When facing the painful things we feel, what we choose is not to face difficulties, but to choose to escape.
In "What are you escaping: The truth you are afraid of facing will surely make you grow", the author mentioned that all psychological problems include two parts, one is avoidance and the other is rigid.
. Avoiding means that we always avoid what we face intentionally or unintentionally, and we cannot overcome these obstacles that affect our development and become self-destructive.
Think carefully about whether we often do this in our lives.
When you reach middle age, you keep taking the test. It can be said that it is to adapt to the development of society. But if you have taken many skills that are not related to your workplace, isn’t this also an escape?
hopes to prove yourself through continuous verification and escape from the true state that your ability in the workplace can no longer keep up.
In the state of escaping the truth, the harder we work, the further we are from solving the problem. Only by facing our true self can we find the fundamental solution to the problem, rather than temporarily solving the problem with escape.
2
Put down your fantasy and no longer reject the issue of marriage
A case was mentioned in "What are you escaping: The truth you are afraid of facing will surely make you grow".
A wife went to seek psychological help because of her husband's cheating, and his husband's cheating made him very angry.
During the consultation process, she kept complaining about how ruthless her husband was and how difficult it was for her. She gave up her job for her family, thinking that such sacrifice would bring about happiness for her family.
Her husband's cheating interrupted her fantasy of a perfect marriage, and she felt that her life was ruined by her family.
Consultant asked her if she was willing to leave such a family? The wife said, "My child is still young and can't lose his father." The consultant asked again, "What can I do to save this marriage?"
This wife was particularly angry, "It is obvious that the other party is wrong, but I am the victim. Why should I let me maintain it? He must be punished and needs to make a promise to make changes with practical actions, otherwise I will not forgive him."
has heard a lot of such news in life, and for the sake of the children, I feel wronged and even the people around me have such examples. But is this really the case? Is this wife really for the sake of the children?
What she is afraid of is not that the child has no father, because the cheating father is also missing in giving fatherly love to the child.
What she is afraid of is loneliness, fear that she is not able to raise children, and fear that she will lose her support. She just used her children as a shield, keeping her true fear in her heart and not daring to say it out.
In real life, many such wives will use more actions to save their husbands, hoping to maintain a marriage, but the harder they work, the more they want to save them, but the more painful they are, because a broken marriage will not change because of one-sided recovery.
A problem with a marriage will never be a problem for one person, but it is related to both parties, and it is not the one who needs to work hard for one person.
If we hope to find a way out in a broken marriage, what we need to do is not simply work hard to change, but to recognize the reality. There is indeed a problem in the marriage. We have to face this problem, rather than working hard to address that superficial problem.
What we need is to let go of our fantasy of a perfect marriage, and stop lying to ourselves that "if we work harder, the marriage will become better", and are unwilling to face the truth about the failure of marriage.
When we want to change, don’t wait for life to get better.
Every crisis in life will break our defense and release real emotions. This is the best time to observe yourself and the best time to change.
3
Put down "should" and face the most real world
"I treat her as a friend and give her all good things. Why don't she tell her good news as soon as possible? She should tell me as soon as possible, because I am so good to her."
Have you ever heard such words? You have done something and feel that the other person should be as good as you.
There is nothing in the world that should and should not be. "Should" is like the instructions we give to the universe, and we want to tell people that they should act as we want.
"should" be like saying that something we don't want to happen, it actually happened.
For example, you live a good life and everything is good, but you feel very tired. You will say, "No, my life is much better than others. I have realized many of my dreams, and I should not feel dissatisfied."
For example, we have anxiety and ask ourselves if we shouldn't have this emotion. Why don't others do it?
For example, we hope that our spouse will work hard and bear the burden of a family. They should not play games, and they should not harm their bodies when drinking.
All these "should" are actually those things that have escaped our control. In other words, our fantasy of life is gone, leaving only the real world. So we will feel pain, uncomfortable, and entangled.
In "What are you escaping: The truth you are afraid of facing will surely make you grow", it mentioned that "should" is a hidden violence, an inner command to think about things that cannot be controlled, and our pain comes from those "should", but it has not become the result in our fantasy.
"should" be also a kind of escape, escaping from things that we cannot control, but we fantasize about being able to control.
instead of thinking about those fantasy things and making yourself work hard to do those things you should do, it is better to face the truth, which can bring us different hope.
4
written at the end
In "What are you escaping: The truth you are afraid of facing will surely make you grow", the author Jon Frederickson shows us through various cases. When we indulge in our own fantasy, when the fantasy is shattered, it will only bring more pain.
Instead of escaping reality to relieve pain, it is better to muster up the courage to face the reality.
As Jon Frederickson said:
"The most powerful state of a person is not the way he insists on his dreams, but the wisdom to see the truth clearly, the moment of getting out of his obsession, the freedom and freedom of harvest."
