In life, when others encounter bad news, are heartbroken or depressed, we especially want to express our comfort, but we don’t know what to say?
worry that others will think too much and get hurt, and think we are sympathizing with him;
does not comfort him, and feels that he is too hard-hearted, and he can't even stand this level...
What should I do? Have you ever encountered such a dilemma? The section
is really important to each of us!
comfort this matter. If it can be dealt with well, it will damage the relationship between the two parties. And if handled well, "comfort" will exert the power of gentleness at critical moments and win people's hearts.
01 Compassion does not mean empathy
When you see a person encountering a change, compassion will prompt us to say to him, "It's so pitiful, I'll be sad and follow the changes, and I'll get better."
But this is not comfort, it's watching. It is a condescending mentality - something happened to you and I am fine, so I will express my attitude.
This is why sometimes you are comforting others, but you get such a reply: I don’t need you to pity me!
sounds ruthless, but the problem is not the other party, but the problem is that we do not master the communication method.
What comfort requires is not the compassion of "poor and pitiful" but empathy - it is to accurately convey information such as "I understand you", "I empathize with you", "I accept all your emotions at this moment".
Being able to feel the feelings of others is a prerequisite for comfort.
02 Comfort = Mild intervention + Provide support
(1) Mild intervention
Comfort should be a relatively passive, moderate, and gentle transmission power.
You must grasp the subtle sense of boundaries between yourself and the person you communicate with. Slight intervention is the safest. It ensures that we decode layer by layer according to the other party’s needs without offending others.
instead of exerting too much force as soon as you start, which may cause the communication between the two parties to become rigid.
How mild is this mild intervention mild? A reference standard: As long as the other party does not express his needs, there is no need to actively provide comfort!
For example, the leader personally led the team to bid for failure. At this time, if we rush up to comfort our boss, we may encounter the following situations:
1. Deleting the bid is a big deal for you, but for knowledgeable bosses, it may not be anything! Your comfort is redundant!
2. Even if the boss is really frustrated, you can’t say it as long as he doesn’t express it!
Many bosses should maintain a decisive image in front of their subordinates. If your comfort destroys the boss's "personality", it will make him feel extremely uncomfortable!
3. If the boss is really in the mood of failure, you comfort yourself at this time, it is equivalent to hitting yourself in the gun! No matter how you look at
, it is all risk and benefit!
so, as long as the other party does not reveal his needs, don’t take the initiative to provide comfort! Remember to remember!
However, if the other party starts complaining to you, it will be inappropriate if you don’t have any more statements!
You only need to say one sentence: "Leader, see what you need me to do, you can arrange it at any time."
The comfort of mild intervention only needs to express two meanings to the other party: 1. I will accompany you, 2. I am willing to share the burden for you. This is enough!
Even if you are a friend with extraordinary relationships, don’t pursue him relentlessly or exert too much force when comforting him. This will only cause him to be even more troubled, lead to embarrassment between both parties, and irreversible relationship.
When a friend encounters family troubles, don’t volunteer to be a mediator. If your friend needs it, it is enough to accompany her, take her to have something delicious, or vent.
Especially for female friends, they need more emotional counseling. We just need to be by her side quietly, listen to her talk, and soothe her emotions.She will slowly figure it out and you don’t need to give advice on action.
I have met some friends who do not patiently listen to the other party’s worries, but are very enthusiastic about giving them various ideas. If you don’t understand the other party’s specific situation, your idea is most likely not suitable for him, and it will only arouse the other party’s disgust.
Mild intervention means not to use too much force at the beginning, but to accompany the other party, listen quietly, and provide the best of your ability according to the other party's needs, and slowly advance.
(2) Provide support
After mild intervention, in order to further promote the relationship, you have to do another key move: provide support so that the other party can feel the power of "action is better than words".
support is divided into two types: one is emotional support and the other is experience support.
For example, when a colleague encounters a major change at home and returns to work, he is still in a very low mood. If you want to comfort him, you can first be emotional support. For example, you can tell him: "If you are sad, cry out", let him cry as much as he wants, and release his emotions as much as he wants, instead of pretending to comfort him, "Stop crying, and your voice will be hoarse." - You are not comforting, you are denying the legitimacy of his emotions. His pain cannot be found to be released, and he will only be sadder!
There is another good way, which is to attract the other party's attention to other things - for example, let the other party say "How did you come through this time?" is to invite the other party to get out of the current emotions and enter a memory;
or ask him: "You are not in the company recently, do you want to know what big things happened in the company?" It also wants the other party to get out of the current emotions and take him forward.
When he looks forward or backward in the opposite direction, his current depressed mood will naturally be relieved. This is the role that emotional support can play!
But the premise of doing all this is that you must first ask the other party: "Do you want to talk?" - If you want to talk, I will accompany you, if you don't want me to bother you - this is the restrained and gentle comfort!
As for experience support, you can use this one: "I also encountered similar problems. I thought so at that time, and now I think so..."
does not tell the other party what to do, but spreads out your similar experience for the other party's reference.
As for whether the other party listens, it is actually not that important, because comfort itself is expressing the attitude of "I care about you". There is no need to assume the important responsibility of "solving problems for you".
03 "I just heard that you encountered this situation, and I don't know what to do for you. I have such conveniences. As long as you need them, come to me at any time. Don't be polite to me, I'm here at any time."
not only maintains mild intervention, but also expresses that you are willing to take action on your help;
can not only make the other party feel your company, but also does not infringe on the other party's sense of boundaries. This is the perfect comfort of kindness!
04 How to receive comfort from others
In life, we may also encounter some bad things, and we will inevitably become the objects of comfort from others.
is actually quite embarrassing.
also takes courage to accept comfort.
To hold the other party’s kindness firmly, there are three principles:
First, you can withstand what you can withstand it yourself! Don't always seek comfort from others. Don’t be “Xianglin Sao”!
And in the workplace, everyone is willing to cooperate with the strong. Negative emotions can only prove that you are still a weak person. If you tell them everywhere, it will only make people feel that you are weaker!
adult emotions must be learned to digest them by yourself!
When you can't digest it, you can find a secluded place and vent your own feelings, instead of throwing negative emotions to others. No one has the obligation to bear my emotions.
Of course, it is not good to keep silent if someone asks you on his own initiative. We can say: "Thank you for your concern, but my negative energy should not be borne by you. I set an alarm for my phone, and I will talk about this problem for 3 minutes."
said this, first, not letting yourself become Xianglin Sao, second, to avoid the other party from constantly asking questions, third, to make the other party feel: "This person still thinks about me when he encounters such a major setback. "
Second, for the comfort of others appropriately, and at the same time, you hope to maintain a good relationship with him, then accept the kindness of others openly. In the future, if he needs it, you can also help him generously, so that you can interact with each other and a communication relationship will be established!
Third, for the comfort of others inappropriately, hurry up and use a closed sentence: "Thank you, thank you for your concern". Don't quarrel with others!
In short, communication requires skills, and comforting others and accepting comfort of others also requires skills.
Let us learn slowly in actual combat!
Social university can teach us too many things!
