Don't ask me where I'm from Chen Yanping This is a wild land in the middle of the city. Almost only around a corner is the busy street. The trees are magical and look like a place of their own in the busy city. The forest that had just rained was fresh and clear. I like to smell

Don't ask me where I come from

Chen Yanping

This is a wild land in the middle of the city. Almost only around a corner is the busy street. The trees are magical and look like a place of their own in the busy city. The forest that had just rained was fresh and clear. I like to smell the water vapor from the river mixed with the aroma of dead trees and grass. While refreshing my heart and lungs, the scenery from the depths of my hometown flashes back before my eyes.

There are paths covered with leaves, ponds with withered lotus leaves, an abandoned railway, and a river flowing into the distance. Touched by such an encounter. They are all vital signs that I tend to ignore when living among people. I thought that only people will be changed by time. As everyone knows, there may be a lot of unfairness in this world, but time is absolutely fair. Everything will no longer be the same after being cared for by time. I thought that only people would be displaced. It turns out that the twists and turns, accidents, and changes in life occur in nature.

Silently, He was haggard, bent over and lowered his head, rustling in the wind, as if crying. The most beautiful time is when a pool of water is moistening. When I was the oldest, a pool of water was also adding fuel to the flames. The lotus pods in the center of the lotus pond, which were once held high, are now bent towards the lake, as if they want to say a final farewell to their homeland, or they lower their heads and let the lotus seeds fall into the water as a symbol of Seeds for next year’s new lotuses.

In such a scene, as a middle-aged person, I can't help but think about the day when my face withered, the moment when the oil dried up and the lamp died out, and my life died. When I think about it this way, I have to be sentimental. The years have driven away the beauty of He, and the years have faded my appearance. Li Shangyin said, "Leave the dry lotus to listen to the sound of rain." And I clearly heard He saying: The raindrops hitting my head are not poetic, but the pain of my helpless withering. I also clearly heard my heart saying: I don’t want to grow old, I don’t want to grow old.

Many plants in nature are either ugly in shape but have a pleasant fragrance, or they have no fragrance but are outstanding in shape. The lotus is both beautiful in shape and fragrant. There are many plants in nature. Some have beautiful flowers but ugly leaves. Some leaves are beautiful, but the flowers are not. As for the lotus, both flowers and leaves are impressive. This is perfect. He in my heart, you are the embodiment of a woman in this world who is both beautiful on the outside and beautiful on the inside. Suddenly seeing you like this, I don’t know what to do.

is sentimental about this transience and sentimental about this circulation.

I walked through the lotus pond, crossed the path, and met an abandoned railway in the woods. It lies quietly on the land, with an open mind, not accepting vehicles and distant journeys, and only watching the people passing by and coming. Everyone who passes by it is the person it wants to wait for. The old thing itself is a book, written together with the people who stop at it. There are no words that can be read. There is no sound, but you can listen.

When I was three or four years old, I took the train with my mother to my grandmother's house for the first time. I remember that the dinner on that train was Chinese cabbage and rice. The place where the conductor pushed the dining car was enveloped by the steam of the rice, and the lights became increasingly dim. My mother bought one for two cents, and I leaned against her leg to eat while looking at the car full of friendly and tired passengers. This picture will always be fixed in my heart. Later, my mother left, and I decided that the train took her away. There is no railway in my hometown, but there is one in my memory. When I miss my mother, the sound of the train is rumbling in my heart.

Later, I left home and came to the city. After making money, I can take the train to visit my mother. I bought Hubei specialty pastries and two bottles of Huanghelou liquor for my grandpa. When my friend was taking me to the station on his bicycle, he accidentally dropped his luggage. Two bottles of wine were broken, and the whole luggage was soaked in the aroma of wine. Many years have passed since that trip, and the fragrance of the wine and the regret in my heart are still in my memory.

When I came back, my cousin in Changsha bought a ticket for me and sent me to the station. My cousin is a few years older than me. He just graduated from college and started working. He was worried and kept sending me to the platform. The moment the train started, my eyes were blurry and I burst into tears. At that time, many pairs of eyes in the carriage were looking at me. They must have thought that my cousin on the platform was my boyfriend, and I couldn't bear to let him go and cried.

I was actually hurt by the death of my mother when I was young, so I was full of sadness for trains, railways and platforms, and I still feel that way today. The place where I live is not close to the train station. I am the only one at home. Every time I inadvertently hear the "rumbling" whistle of the train in the distance as it leaves the platform. Suddenly, a dull pain emerged in my heart, sadness passed before my eyes, and my thoughts flew into the distance. Or one day, when passing by a train station and seeing strangers coming and going with luggage, I always feel sad for them and pray for warmth for them.

In the past, I wanted to go to distant places to find my mother. I searched all over the dreamland and looked across the horizon, but my mother still didn't come back. After growing up, I came to a strange city to search for new things, looking for my hometown and childhood, but I could never find them again. No matter how much you grow up, you still have to search, search for youth and love, and search for everything that is lost... No wonder people have wandering dreams in their hearts. They like to listen to "The Olive Tree" and read the words of Sanmao .

The essence of a railway track is a road, even if it is abandoned. The road must point to the distance, and the distance is on the road, where you wander, even if you can only touch it with your eyes and heart. At this moment, as I step on the sleepers one by one, the road in life and my heart emerges in front of my eyes, and I recall Matthew Lane 's " Bressanone " in my ears.

doesn’t quite know the true artistic conception of this song, but he thinks it is a song for homeless people. The bells of the church, the back of a man carrying a bag, the afterglow of the setting sun, the desolate melody, the whistling of the train slowly going away... It is indescribably moving and beautiful, and I really want to walk into the distance like this. Not to meet anything, but to meet everything.

Art is deeply rooted in people's hearts, not necessarily with the creator's ideas, but with the appreciator's own ideas. I think this is good art, which is constantly being recreated in the hearts of others. A song and a section of railway just happen to be here, giving people unlimited reverie.

Every time I come, I step on it, reconnect with the past in my heart, and resonate with the accumulated emotions. Over the past hundred years, the sleepers have rotted away, and the rails have become bulging with rust. The warm afternoon sun shines on the ravines on its face, embracing it calmly without leaving a trace of glare. The connecting screws and iron buckles have disappeared, and all it has to carry is time and years.

This section of the railway is the most difficult connection between the Guangdong-Hankou Railway and the Beijing-Hankow Railway on the Yangtze River. There was no Yangtze River Bridge back then, and trains crossing the Yangtze River from south to north had to pass through the train ferry here. It’s spectacular when you think about it. The long train passes by the boat close to the river. I can't figure it out even if I think about it. What kind of ship is it? There is such power. A little further forward, there are several thick broken walls. The rumble of the train back then must have had a lot to do with its pulling. Now, it has rested, and only the rushing river water keeps it chattering about old stories from the past.

With this ruin, it seems like an old man is sitting in the garden. The seasons are prosperous and waning, and it is easy to wallow in self-pity and sigh. I stayed with this old man for a while, chatting about time and years, and my mind suddenly became broader. This is like a family in the human world. When there are elderly people, there is an immediate depth of time. If this old man's old man is still alive, then this family will gain a sense of depth in time. The children gathered around the old man's knees and listened to the old man telling stories. This story is about human emotions. This story is the connection between the past and the future. This story slowly becomes history and is left to future generations.

The vastness of the ruins enriches the poetry of nature, and the existence of the ruins preserves countless moments in eternal time. What was it like here back then? Travelers pass by here and see the vast clouds and water. When they look out, "Where is the hometown at sunset? The Yanbo River makes people sad." Under such conditions, the train rumbled across the Yangtze River. The wife must have been nervous and held her husband's hand tightly. . What are they wearing? Like what is said in novels and TV shows: Wear a cheongsam and tie your hair. Wearing a top hat and using a cane. Either leisurely or panicked. Why did you come? Why did I go? Everyone is different, but the same thing is that I have spent time here.

In life, I am a person who is afraid of making mistakes. My instinctive closeness to railway tracks seems to have psychological implications. It's narrow and you can't go wrong walking on it. It is fixed and the path will not bend when walking. Just follow it and you'll get to where you want to go.

Beyond the railway is the Yangtze River. The Yangtze River, I dare not guess how old it is, it is the elder of this garden, even here, it only stretches out a finger. This image made me a little excited. I saw the mystery of greatness. Even if you only get a little bit, you can get everything.

looked at the running water. It was flowing by itself, not caring about my existence and stopping for every second. Confucius said on the river: "The deceased is like a man who never abandons day and night." Confucius said that the way of water is the way of time. Every drop is not the same drop, every moment is not the same moment. Where can I find the form of time? This river is the most real form of time. There is eternity and there are minutes and seconds.

In front of water, time flows. It shows us the law of time in the form of water flow. Whether you listen or not, whether you want it or not, time will push you forward like water. In front of the Yangtze River, time is solid. No matter how you go, you can't escape the embrace of time, just like water flowing forever in the river.

When I thought about this, my heart was agitated again, and I was also in a trance. I can’t really explain the relationship between river water and time. See the small in the great, see the minutes in the eternity. I just vaguely feel that the Yangtze River and its water are the carriers of greatness and smallness, eternity and minutes. It is not a whole, but actually a whole. Just like people living in time, passing by moment by moment, falling into the eternal river of time.

The poet said: "What is broader than the sky is the human mind." Climbing high and looking into the distance cleanses the mind and makes the realm of life broader. I am naturally afraid of heights, so I can only love the flat ground. At the same time, I also understand that no matter how high you climb, you still feel the remoteness in your heart. If you have a high place in your heart, you can still see far. The same is true in life. Many things that are difficult to find in reality can be reached as long as there is space and distance in the heart.

The idiom "self-deception" is mostly said to be a derogatory term. In fact, it is not necessarily the case. When applied to the level of life, it is self-deprecation, liberation, and wisdom. It can be said that the more people see high-minded, the more they will deceive themselves and others. When people reach middle age and reach the age where joys and sorrows can be turned into wealth, there is no need to say more about the bitterness in life. Xin Qiji 's "I wanted to stop talking, but I said it was a cool autumn." very nice. Walking here often, I understand that the twists and turns, accidents and changes in life all exist in time. This tells me that all life is integrated into time. It is both short-lived and eternal, just like the relationship between the river and its water. When did

start? Start thinking about time like this. I understand that I didn't do it deliberately, that it is natural to get these feelings, even if I can't explain them at all. When did you start pursuing this vast land? In the natural wilderness, trace the shadows coming and going in the form of eternal time.

There are too many unsatisfactory things in life. People need to forget, but the ways of forgetting are different. I search for myself, but I actually use it to forget.

Chen Yanping, whose pen name is Xinran, currently lives in Wuhan, is a national second-level psychological counselor and a freelance writer. She has published a collection of essays "Daughter of My Hometown".