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1
It was another late night. I coaxed the child to sleep. The pointer on the wall quietly passed eleven o'clock. The hustle and bustle outside had not yet completely calmed down.
My husband has not come back yet.
I watched the child gradually fall into sleep, and then I dragged my tired body out of the bedroom. I looked out the window. Sure enough, the figure stood alone under the street lamp, lighting a cigarette, and his thoughts were unknown. Where did it go?
He just doesn't want to go home.
I would call him before and ask him when he would be back. His tone became more perfunctory and finally turned into impatience. I just kindly asked him when he would come back and prepared hot dishes and rice for him, but I didn't expect him to be unhappy. I was full of grievances and had nowhere to talk, and finally it turned into a roar: "Forget it if you don't want to come back!"
Unexpectedly, he actually came back later and later.
In the past few days, I only vaguely heard him coming home after I fell asleep. I still pretended to be asleep and didn't want to have any more arguments with him. The child was still young and I didn't want to scare the child. I listened to him quietly changing clothes and washing up, then lay down next to me, and then snored like thunder.
I told him many times to stop snoring and at least wait until I fall asleep. I am too light a sleeper and will wake up at the slightest movement. When I was with him at first, I wore earplugs to let him sleep later. To spend the night peacefully. But now that I have a child, the child inevitably cries at night. I dare not plug my ears, but his snoring is like a saw cutting into my chest, torturing me from late at night until dawn.
Our rental house is very small, with only one bedroom. I have no choice. After discussing with him for a few words, he sighed: "There is really no way. I have to work during the day, so I have to sleep."
There is no solution. , without any change, not even a word of comfort to me.
My day and night were reversed. For a few days, I could only catch up on sleep during the day, and I had to be awakened by the crying of my children several times. I didn't have the energy to do housework or go out to buy groceries. Finally, one weekend, I asked him to go out and help take care of the children. I really slept hard.
What he got was a cold sentence: "Can't you sleep at home every day? I've been working for a full week, and it's just a day off. Can't you let me take a break?"
"But this week, I have been constantly Not even three hours of sleep," I said humbly, and all I got was his sneer.
"Pretend." His gentle word completely aroused my anger, and we had a thrilling quarrel.
He pours out his bitterness, and I pour out mine. We are not communicating, it is just a mutual release of pressure.
Our noise stopped only when the child cried loudly.
He didn’t say anything anymore. It was difficult for him to sit down and coax the child, but his eyes were full of terrible reproach to me.
2
Since then, we have had a long cold war.
We rarely talk, we are as strange as roommates with a bad relationship.
He still gave me this month’s expenses, but I always knew that he actually hid a sum of private money. He has been working for several years, and it is impossible that his salary has not increased at all, but he still has the money every month.
I didn’t care about it at first, thinking that the money was enough. But over the years, seeing prices rising, I complained to him several times, but he was always indifferent.
But I remember when we first met, he was so gentle.
The two of us met on a blind date. We were introduced by a fellow villager. I knew that he had a good education and a master's degree, while I only had a junior college degree.I went on a blind date with a boy with a master's degree before. When he heard that I had a college degree, he snorted on the spot to show his ridicule.
Since then, I have had a psychological shadow on blind dates.
Because of my low self-esteem, I was too embarrassed to meet, but he took the initiative to contact me: "Let's come out and meet. At least we are fellow villagers. Even if it doesn't work out, it's good to be friends with each other, right?"
He spoke softly and softly. The gentle tone makes people feel very comfortable.
As soon as I heard his tone, my heart melted in half.
I finally plucked up the courage and agreed to meet him.
When we met, I was a little disappointed. He was just an ordinary-looking boy, a little fat, not clean, but not sloppy, just an ordinary otaku.
sat down and we chatted for a while. His tone was still gentle, giving people a sense of peace and comfort.
My parents had bad tempers. When I was a child, I had to be very careful when doing things to avoid accidentally touching any of my parents' nerves and causing them to be scolded. So when I grew up, I always had a good impression of people with a gentle temper. The soft-spoken character of the boy in front of me gave me a sense of comfort I hadn't felt in a long time.
He introduced everything about himself gently and a little timidly. After speaking, he was silent for a while, then raised his head and asked me: "What about you?"
This look of a socially fearful otaku revealed a bit of cuteness, which made me endure. He couldn't help but smile.
have been together for several months, and we are both very satisfied with each other, especially him, who has not shown any dissatisfaction or discrimination against my academic qualifications.
He is a left-behind child, and his parents never cared about him since he was a child. His grandmother raised him alone. Later, his grandmother passed away and after his parents divorced, his remarried mother took him with her and gave birth to a boy. She always criticized his every living habit while his stepfather looked on with cold eyes. He couldn't stand it, and when he went to college, he never went back. As his brother grew older, his mother became less concerned about him.
His experience was also very similar to mine, which was abandoned by my family. I felt a sadness towards him, as if he was a fallen person in the world.
I had just graduated and my job was not going well. My boss and many colleagues were openly and secretly mocking me for my academic qualifications. I was very unhappy, but I could only endure it in order to survive.
It may be that I was influenced by my family of origin and the repressive work atmosphere. I fell in love with a partner who was gentle and did not look down on me. I had only known him for a few months and felt that everything was very comfortable and not too much. Just think about getting married.
This is truly the most hasty decision I have ever made.
3
After getting married, we rented a house and lived together. We had no car, no house, no betrothal gift, so my parents gave all their energy to my younger brother. They originally wanted to get some gift money from me, but I knew very well that my parents just wanted to leave all the money to my younger brother.
Both of us had just started working and didn’t have much savings at all. A betrothal gift would undoubtedly have a great impact on our newly formed family. For this reason, I flatly refused. My parents were so angry that they scolded me several times, but there was nothing they could do. After
lived together, some of his bad habits gradually emerged.
He doesn’t wash his underwear or socks, and throws them away every time when they are dirty. I disliked him for being too wasteful and urged him to wash it, but he didn't argue. Every time I told him, he would move a small bench and wash it honestly;
He would play games when he came home every day, rarely going out and rarely doing anything. When it comes to housework, he pretends not to hear when he plays games. Once I cut my hand while cooking and the blood flowed, but he remained unmoved.
Every time I accused him of being sloppy and lazy, he just He listened to me silently and whispered "I was wrong", but he didn't change it at all...
As time passed, his good temper did not change, but I, who was originally good-tempered, became more and more irritable.I felt like I was hitting cotton with a punch, and the other person would never feel any pain or itching. When his colleagues or my friends saw it, they would try to persuade me: "Your husband is very honest and gentle, don't do this to him."
I had no choice but to explain to others, but they just said "oh" and then advised me: "I have a high degree of education, earn a lot of money, and don't have in-laws living with me. It's just a small problem of laziness. Please tell me more about him. He's used to it." Well, it won’t change for a while.”
Everything others said makes sense, but I just feel depressed. I earn less and do more housework. This is also my responsibility, but he also has to take care of himself. Get it clean!
I complained to my best friend. She was not happy in her marriage. When I complained, she just said feebly: "You have a husband like this, so you can just have fun! My family has no academic qualifications. You make two thousand a month and still dare to roam around the house, am I not much worse off than you?"
When she said this, I could only shut up.
I had nowhere to express the anger and grievances in my heart. I could only bury them all in my stomach. This dull knife slowly cut into my heart, and my bad temper was gradually eliminated. Facing him, I just feel unspeakably tired.
4
Originally, I had become self-paralyzed in my marriage. At worst, I would just live in a muddle for the rest of my life. Thinking of the cruelty of my parents and the pressure of the workplace, it is always good to have someone I can rely on.
It’s a pity that I preset everything to be too beautiful.
After a warm night that night, several days later, the trash can in the bedroom was full. I was about to clean it up, but I saw something with a small hole in the trash can. It was like a thunderbolt.
My mind was confused. It took me a long time to realize it. It had been a long time, and it was probably too late to take medicine.
At that moment, all I thought about was that it was not suitable for us to have a child now. House prices were so expensive and his family conditions were not that good. It would be nice to just ask my parents for money. We couldn’t afford to buy a house at all. What to do when we get down... My mind was completely occupied by these fantasies. It wasn't until he came back from get off work that I aggressively approached him to settle the score.
He was stunned for a moment when he looked at the broken condom, and didn't say a word for a long time.
With tears in my eyes, I shook his shoulders: "Did you do it on purpose?"
His eyes were full of panic and astonishment at the moment, and he quickly said: "No! I didn't notice that day... I'm sorry. ..."
He lowered his head as he spoke.
Looking at his reaction, I probably knew in my heart that he really didn't mean it, but tears flowed down.
saw me crying. He stood there numbly without any reaction.
His state makes me feel even more angry. When encountering such a thing, can't I even say a few words of comfort?
"What are you going to do if you have a child?" I asked him slowly, staring at his calm face.
He actually stood silently, and we just looked at each other in silence.
At that moment, my anger surged into my heart, and I wanted to see the final reaction of this silent cotton.
I was tired from standing, so I went back to cook. Unexpectedly, the man turned his head when he saw me, and he immediately went back to the bedroom to play games.
I was so angry that I stepped forward and snatched away his mouse, slamming it on the table: "Let me ask you a question! What if I get pregnant? Are you fucking deaf or mute!"
I Staring at him angrily, I cursed, just to arouse the angry side of this man. Even if he stood up and yelled at me, it would be better than the zombie-like silence now.
He looked at me blankly, and then sighed long and hard: "Let's go to the hospital for a check-up."
My anger was exchanged for the other party's indifferent words, but he could not be angered no matter what, as if he was a ball of emotionless cotton. With tears in my eyes, I stopped paying attention to him and thought angrily. If she was really pregnant, let's see what he could say.
I was furious, but I also thought it was okay to have an accident. But I didn't expect that the reality was like this.
5
I was sobbing. Throwing the hospital checklist in front of him, I finally saw a hint of panic on his face.
"This... can't be... just once..." His voice became lower and lower, obviously he was looking for someone. There are no suitable words to explain the current situation.
“Tell me, what should I do now? "I looked at him expressionlessly.
"I'm sorry... But I asked you to go to the hospital for a check-up at the beginning, but you ignored me..." He stammered, with a sense of grievance and confusion. He said such irresponsible words, and I finally understood that he turned out to be a man who was good at pretending to be a coward, and relied on this to trick me into getting married.
I am so upset now that I haven’t spoken to him for several days. , he didn't respond at all for the first few days. He went home and played games as usual, and didn't dare to ask me a question. Looking at this stagnant marriage, what's the fun in living like this?
I started to think about divorce. I loved me and didn’t want any gifts to marry my honest boyfriend. After the marriage, I was lying in the hospital bed and realized that I regretted it.
It’s strange to say that within a few days, he suddenly seemed like a different person. He began to be attentive to me and took the initiative to take on the housework. It’s rare to say that. He said a few words of obedience. I was very surprised by his change and asked him what happened. He just smiled and said: "I have thought about it carefully these days, let's give birth to this child. "
What he said shocked me. I grabbed his arm and asked, "What do you think? If you didn't look panicked a few days ago, why do you want to keep the child now? "
He said with some embarrassment: "I suddenly learned about this. After all, it was my first time to encounter it. I was also a little scared and couldn't make up my mind. But during this time, I thought about it. This child was given to us by God. It is not good for a woman’s health to have an abortion. It is better to keep this unexpected life. "
What he said sounded sincere, but giving birth to a child is not that easy. I sighed: "We don't have a car or a house, how can we raise a child? "
He was stunned for a moment, then smiled and said: "It's okay, we will have these things in the future. "
When he said this, his tone was calm and gentle, which made people trust him. I hesitated for a few days, but he became more active in doing housework and said more and more gentle words. I was attracted again. His tenderness was lost step by step, his belly was getting bigger and bigger, and his desire to have an abortion was getting weaker and weaker unknowingly.
Until the child was born, everything became extraordinarily different. I couldn't go to work for several months because I was pregnant and preparing for childbirth, so the family's income depended entirely on him. Since he had the baby, he has been working overtime more and more often, and I have to take on all the responsibilities of childcare in addition to housework.
He only had good food at that time, and the expenses were not visible, but once the child was born, he needed a can of milk powder a week, diapers changed several times a day, various examinations and baby supplies... his expenses skyrocketed. After deducting the rent from my salary, I was a little stretched.
At first, I felt that life was difficult, so I tried every means to save money, and then I was able to manage to have a monthly savings for our family after we had children. This also sounded a wake-up call for me.
I told him about the difficulty of saving at home and the fact that our child was going to kindergarten at the age of three, so we had to prepare to buy a house quickly.When I told him this truthfully, he listened carefully, but after listening he nodded perfunctorily.
I talked to him several times, and every time he looked sincere, nodded desperately and said: "You are right." Then he seemed to have forgotten what I said and never mentioned it again.
As time went on, my mental state became worse and worse due to the unresponsive other party and my long-term insomnia since the birth of my child. I didn't want to become a so-called shrew, but I still wanted to spend this marriage quietly, so I tolerated the anger in my heart. But as time went by, the anger I was holding in my heart grew stronger and stronger until it exploded.
It was rare for him to come back early from get off work that day. I was busy taking care of the crying child and cooking, but he stretched out his legs and lay down on the sofa, picked up his mobile phone and started playing games, not caring about things at home.
I was so angry that I stepped forward and slapped his phone away. In addition to being angry, I was slightly excited to see if he would get angry.
He didn’t even look at me, and then silently picked up the phone from the ground.
I slapped his phone away again.
This time there was finally a trace of anger in his eyes, and annoyance could be heard in his tone: "Are you sick?"
"Yes! I am sick!" I finally provoked him to talk and told him in detail After talking about his inaction these days for a long time, he stared at me blankly with his eyes wide open, and finally a few words came out of his mouth for a long time: "You really look like my mother."
I couldn't help but be stunned. , but I felt my eyes were wet. At that moment, I felt that I was empty all of a sudden.
This sentence has great destructive power and gave me a heavy hammer in my heart.
7
There is always a moment when a person completely changes his mind about another person. It should be from this moment that I start to treat my husband.
Before, I thought I had found a treasure by marrying a potential person with high academic qualifications and a gentle personality. I always wondered how I could have such good luck. But after that sentence, I completely understood that everything in this world has already been secretly priced.
But we still have to live our lives, but we can’t live like this.
I became more and more impatient and couldn't help but get angry with him. But he finally became less insensitive and started to quarrel with me. This silent ball of cotton was set on fire by me.
I thought that quarreling at least opened up communication, which might be an important step in improving our relationship. But he only unilaterally accused me of being irritable and rude, but turned a blind eye to the urgent needs of life. Once he could no longer quarrel with me, he returned to his usual silence.
His overtime work became more and more frequent, but his salary was still not good. From that time on, I began to gradually realize that something was wrong.
He once changed a set of keyboard and mouse. I checked online and found that it cost thousands of dollars. He occasionally bought an extra pair of shoes, which also cost thousands of dollars. He was so generous, so he must have deducted part of his salary.
I can understand that he wants to buy good things, but I have complained several times that there is not enough money at home. Should he also be considerate and considerate of my wife who has to hesitate for a long time to even buy a piece of clothing worth two to three hundred yuan?
I secretly went to his company to take a look at him. Many employees walked out of the door after get off work hours. I waited in a nearby coffee shop until all the lights in the company building went out, and he left alone in despair. The company comes out.
At that moment I realized that I had been deceived by him.
He is not gentle and silent by nature, but uses this gentleness and silence as a strategy.
He used this to escape family responsibilities and conflicts with me, and enjoy this comfort alone.
At that moment, I just felt ridiculous. I smiled and took a taxi back home for the first time. I had to go to the neighborhood committee to pick up the child. I begged the neighborhood committee aunt for a long time before they agreed to take care of my child temporarily.Fortunately, I thought he worked so hard every day, but it turned out that he was much more leisurely than me.
At that moment, the bubble I was immersed in the beautiful fantasy about my other half burst. I no longer had anger, only disappointment and helplessness.
I returned home calmly and saw my fat husband still slumped on the sofa playing with his mobile phone. On the table were the instant noodles that had just been eaten but had not been put away.
He had enough to eat and drink, and he didn’t even ask where I went or where the child went.
I took a deep breath in order to suppress the grievance and anger in my heart.
I settled the sleeping child, slowly sat down opposite him, and asked softly: "You see that the child and I are not here today, don't you have anything to ask?"
He raised his eyes and looked at me, smiling. He said: "Aren't you back?"
"Oh," I said coldly, "I haven't eaten yet."
He lowered his eyelids and said slowly: "Then you go ahead and do it, I won't eat. I'm a little tired. I worked late today and I'm going to bed."
I saw him getting ready to stand up and sneered, "Is your salary really only that much?"
He stood up with an "ooh". I got up and said angrily: "What do you mean!"
"It's not interesting." I sneered, "The money at home is not enough, and there are children to raise. If you really can't make more money, I'd better work early. Right."
He was stunned for a moment, as if he didn't expect me to speak so calmly. He said "Oh", "If you are happy, then go to work."
I laughed at his reaction. , I asked: "When you just said these words, didn't you think about what to do with our children? Will I have time to take care of our children after going to work? Will someone automatically feed the child and change the diaper?"
"Then Let's hire someone to take care of the kids," he said, almost without thinking.
"Okay." I laughed angrily and found out the price of hiring a nanny online. He was instantly dumbfounded.
"It's higher than my salary, do you think it's a good deal?" I sneered.
"Since my salary is higher than yours, then you can continue to take care of the children!" There was no sadness on his face.
I was defeated by his "strict" logical closed loop. I sat across from him tiredly and said, "Have you never thought about our future, the future of me and my children?"
He said calmly without changing his expression. : "Can you have it just by thinking about it?"
I stared at his face for a long time, trying to see how much this man with a high degree of education really wanted to know. Is he really a monk who beats the clock every day, or is he just a clock-beater? Simply escaping family responsibilities? Was he pretending to be responsible to deceive me into giving birth to a child at first, or was he just trying to show off his three-minute passion for being a good father?
I finally couldn't bear it anymore and yelled: "Can you be a man!"
He was also furious and yelled: "Why am I not a man anymore! Didn't I make any money? What's wrong with me and you! I Is it wrong to go home and want to be quiet for a while? And didn’t I let you do whatever you wanted to do?”
I opened my mouth, feeling annoyed, but couldn’t say a word in reply.
I understand how hasty my marriage was. I didn’t recognize this man at all. What’s even worse is that I got a child out of nowhere.
But what can we do now? I already have a child, and I can't stuff the child back. Even if I am dissatisfied in every way, I know that he is shirking responsibility and hiding his private money, but there is nothing I can do.
After that quarrel, he came back later and later, sometimes standing outside like this until I lay down.
He started to escape again.
Since then, my anger has become less and less, and I have become as silent as him.
8
I couldn’t sleep well, couldn’t eat well, and didn’t have enough money to spend. I couldn’t escape from the family. I have been dragged into this deep pool, just because the water waves of this deep pool were so gentle at first glance.
This marriage was boring, and I was losing my passion for life in the endless housework. When the snoring and crying stopped and I still couldn't sleep, I realized something was wrong.
I went to a psychiatric hospital for a check-up, and the doctor told me that I had postpartum depression.
I originally wanted to throw the report in front of him and question him about his negligence as a husband and his incompetence as a father, but I was really too afraid to encounter his indifferent expression again.
I remember asking him why he wanted to marry me. He said several good things about me: hardworking, simple and considerate. I, who had low self-esteem, was so overwhelmed by his praise that I forgot what he said at the end. One sentence: "I want to have a stable home."
Yes, what he likes has never been me, but the stability I can bring him.
I remembered that he had briefly become a good husband who cared about his wife. When I asked curiously, he just said: "My colleague with the happiest family does this."
Maybe he was telling the truth, but It's a pity that happiness requires effort and management to obtain. He is too lazy for a fat house, but he just wants to obtain it.
I don’t want to question anything anymore. I just feel that I still want to leave a little bit of beautiful fantasy in this marriage. Since I have made up my mind to leave, the answer to this question will not affect the outcome.
When he learned that I was getting a divorce, he actually laughed.
When he looked up and saw my serious expression, he realized that I was serious, and his face instantly became stunned.
"What's wrong with you?" Although his tone was still gentle, these words were like a knife piercing my heart.
"What's wrong with you?" I sneered, "Have I been talking to a deaf person? Don't you know any of the questions I mentioned? Is it fun to pretend anymore?"
He lowered his head, obviously Justify the loss.
"But... child..." he muttered.
When he asked this, I already understood what he was thinking.
He didn’t hold me back, didn’t plead, and didn’t even ask why I wanted a divorce. The only thing he cared about was the children.
"So you have a child in your heart..." I sneered.
He hesitated for a long time, and finally expressed his thoughts: "I want to make money to raise children, and you have to take care of children. Isn't it good for us to divide labor and cooperate? Why are we getting divorced?"
"Division of labor?" I laughed dumbly, "It turns out How do you view our marriage? If I don’t have children, what’s my status in my heart?”
He lowered his head silently.
When I chatted with him about the distribution of property in the divorce and the ownership of the children, he just casually echoed a few words. I thought he agreed. Unexpectedly, after saying all this, I pushed the divorce agreement in front of him. , but he said: "Do I have to get divorced? I have always wanted to have a family."
I said lightly: "A home needs to be maintained. I am really tired and too depressed to stay in this home. You You are having a good time, but you also want to think about me."
He was silent for a long time, and finally whispered: "Didn't you say what I did?"
I stood up, and I understood at this moment. , until the last moment of the end of our relationship, this man was still doing Tai Chi .
He seems to have a strong logic of his own that cannot be broken no matter what others tell him. There are many people like
, but most of them are strong, but he is another kind of "gentle" strong. I need his active help and joint maintenance, but all he wants is to escape and perfunctory. Instead, he pretends to be stupid and asks me , what did he do wrong.
He does nothing, so naturally he can do nothing wrong.
9
After several fights, I finally divorced him.
When he got divorced, he didn’t worry much about the distribution of the children, and the children were naturally given to me. He probably also knows that he can't raise a child on his own, or maybe he doesn't care about the child in the first place.
But it's all over, and I don't have to bear this gentle torture anymore.
I went through a very difficult period after the divorce. He had to take the initiative to ask for monthly support payments, and I had to do some odd jobs to support myself and my children. People around me laughed at me and talked about whether the divorce was caused by my cheating. I was too lazy to argue. Everyone will be deceived by illusions one day, but one day they will wake up.
At least now, after being busy in the future, I can finally have a peaceful sleep, and 's depression situation is gradually alleviated. The most important thing is that I have regained my peace of mind and no longer have to endure the torture of cutting flesh with a dull knife.
After a few days, when my children went to kindergarten, I finally started working.
Although it was hard, I finally found my own value. (original title: "The Gentle Trap")
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