At the end of 2021, my father kept choking when eating, and kept putting off getting checked. He simply bought some medicine to treat stomach problems, not wanting to go to the hospital during the Chinese New Year.
After the Chinese New Year, we had a gastroscopy on February 6 at the doctor’s suggestion. A small piece of tissue was taken out for biopsy. The hospital notified us that the results would be available in three days.
In just three days, my father began to become anxious and worried that he would get a bad disease.
I am really afraid of whatever comes next. On the 9th, I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma , also known as esophageal cancer .
It took less than ten days from diagnosis to entering the operating room.
The operation lasted 6 hours and was very successful.
On the 15th day after the operation, the body developed persistent fever and anastomotic leakage.
Maybe it’s because I’m older and my body can’t bear such a heavy blow, or maybe the burden on my shoulders is too heavy and I feel depressed and can’t think about it, or both.
How many more good years will there be after the successful operation? Life has long gone by without any hope. Even I feel like a dying old man, with the future blocked by thick fog.
Is it really worth it to have children? Is life without children really miserable? Is marriage really that important?
In fact, it is not that you are afraid of getting married, but that you are afraid that you will not be able to live by yourself.
I am extremely afraid of pain, extremely afraid of the feeling of being abandoned, and afraid that thousands of sails will be gone without leaving a trace.
What is the right thing to do, or how to avoid mistakes.
Living is not important to me, because I can’t feel love when I am alive.
’s mother passed away from lung cancer three years ago.
The union of father and mother was just to complete the life plan. Men should get married when they get older, and girls should get married when they get older. My birth reflects the tragedy of the times. In those years of family planning, everyone despised girls. In the era of patriarchal preference for boys. Context, I was destined to be a tragedy.
They may not love me, but I cannot help loving them. I am afraid that I will regret it in the future and others will think that I am a cold-blooded person.
When I was young, I longed to be cared for countless times, but failed every time. My countless attempts to please were not worth a word from my younger brothers and sisters. They used bad words and encouraged me with sticks to make me a kind person.
When they grow up, they like to coax and lie. Let me be a valuable person to the family and do my duty.
Only now do I understand that the preference for boys over girls has long since changed. They just simply don’t like me.
Same thing, what is there to like about me?
The sun has come out, and what I am exposed to is not the sun, but my own dark and damp heart.
The sun will eventually fade, and sooner or later I will be in darkness, with only lights except the moonlight.
I will also be gray-haired, swaying like withered grass when the wind blows. Who else will look at my wrinkled face and remember that I am a child.
I was also a child once upon a time.
