train is full of late people coming to welcome people. This is not a tragedy, it is a reunion.
——"Kamakura Story"
On the evening of September 29, a "Death Cafe" event was about to end in a coffee shop in Tanhualin, Wuhan.
Wuhan is entering early autumn, with a cool breeze. "Welcome to Death Cafe" - the sign in the cafe reads. There is a pot of steaming flower tea, pot crumbs and fruit on the long dining table in the store. The vase is filled with dried flowers made of ucali leaves and red roses and . Fifteen or sixteen people sat around the table, the atmosphere was warm and comfortable.
Some people mention their cancer experience, while others confess that they have thought about committing suicide many times. As the end was approaching, a female participant in her 40s suggested: "Let's use water instead of wine, let's have a drink together." So everyone clinked glasses together and shouted "Salute to death!" "Salute to Wuchang!" and laughed happily again. The moonlight that night was beautiful and everyone's smiles were beautiful.
Cafe manager Guangzexi said that putting aside the theme of "death", it is like an ordinary tea party.
Guangzexi held a "Death Coffee House" coffee shop. Photo/Jiupai News Reporter Wang Yiran
[1] After feeling the fear of death, he launched the "Death Coffee House" event
Guangzexi hosted the "Death Coffee House" event for three years, and each experience was different. She is also the first death coffee shop in Wuhan. This is not a physical coffee shop, but a community event that has emerged everywhere in recent years.
Some of the sessions are solemn, and sobs run through the audience; some are very happy. People talk about death, just like today's weather, participants can always use humor to relieve each other's pain.
When she initially held the event, she positioned herself as the "Guardian". She always listens to the content of the sharer and dares not fall into emotions. Once the conversation deviates from the topic or unexpected situations occur, she wants to pull people back immediately. Slowly, she felt her "resistance" and her inability to integrate. So, she began to share her feelings.
When she was a child, she slept with her mother and always got up to explore her mother's breath and confirmed that she was still alive. During the epidemic, she experienced the fear of "I don't know if there is tomorrow". Last year, she opened the first "death coffee shop" in China. The decoration was chosen in a white tone theme, with a love donation box on the photo wall and bar, and a dessert paying tribute to Austrian " Human Bone Church ". Later, the cafe went bankrupt, but the activity continued.
Some people will "return" after attending the event. At most, they have been here four or five times. Each time there are still new thoughts and sharing, and they are still unsatisfied at the end.
Some people cried from the beginning of the event until the end, and some people were optimistic and positive, giving positive feedback to others, and only told them about their experience of thyroid cancer when they were about to end.
A participant who has been suicidal inclination many times said that he had found a special suicide intervention institution, but the institution's words were the same and he could already deal with it. And in the "Death Cafe", he could hear something different. But he also frankly said that this does not guarantee that he will not try to commit suicide in the future.
"We do not guarantee that activities can play a healing role, nor are they knowledgeable guidance. We can only provide a safe field for everyone to communicate equally and discuss together." Guangzexi also believes so.
In Huang Jianing (pseudonym), "death coffee shop" has more functions and awakens people's understanding of death.
She is the manager of a "Death Cafe" event in Chongqing. Since the first event was held in 2020, she has initiated more than 20 events. She is 40 years old and is a medical practitioner. In her spare time, she devotes a lot of energy to "talking about life and death". Her WeChat personal signature says "a practitioner of life and death education."
Before she came into contact with the "Death Cafe", she had death anxiety. In 2016, she went to medical treatment due to increased hair.That New Year's Day, she spent 9 days alone in the hospital. All related projects were checked. After spending more than 4,000 yuan but the cause was not found, she ate two dexamethasone , and spent one yuan, and she recovered.
This is a small thing, but it touched her. She found that people have deep fear of death in their hearts. In the “Death Cafe,” people learn from each other’s values about death and life, and then think about “how do I want to live”.
She found that young people's attitude towards death is more curious, and as a pastime activity to play, "because there is no activity that can put the word death on the table." People in their 30s are preparing to face their parents' departure. But no matter what, after more than 20 events, she could still feel the progress brought to her by each event.
In an event led by Wuhan manager Du Juan, two young undergraduates and two aunts in their 50s debated the issue of suicide. Many of the young people who have been playing with each other since childhood died of suicide, resulting in their attitude towards life and death also becoming negative. The aunt advised her from the perspective of the elders, believing that "young people want nothing to die."
The atmosphere of that event was tense and no one was willing to give in. After all, no one constitutes authority in the face of death.
【2】Some events, the three packs of tissues are not enough
7 In July, Wang Zixuan (pseudonym) sat with more than a dozen strangers in a cafe in Shanghai. This was his first time participating in this event.
There is a shadow under the sunset, and a tear on the rose...
When such a card is presented to the participants, everyone must share their understanding. Some say that hope can die without pain, while others say that they desire the existence of "eternal life". The hours of the activity were depressing, but the subsequent thoughts brought by Wang Zixuan made him feel rich.
"It's not easy to live." This is his biggest feeling.
He is 33 years old and is a cosmetics salesperson who loves philosophy. Philosophy often discusses the meanings of death, happiness and life, which enlightened him and made him interested in the topic of life and death. From reading "The Fantasy Journey of the Shepherd's Boy" to "The Meaning of Life", he felt that human treasure lies in what he experienced, not in material abundance.
On weekdays, he doesn’t like famous brands and only wears clothes for more than ten yuan. His parents are in the clothing business and can't stand it.
Seeing the activity of "Death Cafe", he immediately signed up. This time, less than half an hour after the event was released, the number of participants was snatched away.
Most of the people who came to participate in that event were middle-aged people in their 40s, and Wang Zixuan was considered young among them. His idea of death has always been "It is better to live than to die well", and during the event, he found that many people were already considering "how to die decently". A participant worked in a pharmaceutical company and could get 5 mg of drugs that could make people euthanize. He said he left himself 5 mg.
Some times, people cried so hard that the three packs of tissues were not enough. Some people have suffered from severe depression and committed suicide several times. They got out of depression and later revealed their past fragility; some people have experienced life and death personally and were rescued from drowning. Before they died, scenes in life flashed in front of their eyes like 's lantern . There are also some regrets who don’t have time to meet for the last time when the important people leave.
In Wang Zixuan's life, death was once a difficult thing to communicate with. A friend asked him to recommend some philosophical books and activities to understand life. When he recommended the "Death Cafe", his friends began to avoid taboos. They would say, "This may be a bit far from me. I can start with love, family, and friendship."
Later, he no longer talked to his friends about this kind of topic. Although in his opinion, this is an open heart and deeper communication, it would be "a bit psychopathic" to mention this topic for no reason.
Hu Yian was in the life and death study class.Photo/Respondent provided
[3] People want to cure the disease more than facing death with a decent attitude
Wang Zixuan remembered that a nurse shared his experience and said that a retired old cadre was paralyzed in bed. Over time, the old man's back was covered with bedsores, and all the flesh was rotten, and the water in the bones could be seen. The family members said they were unwilling to give up and continued to use instruments to maintain the last sign of the old man's life.
Hu Yian, a professor at the School of Marxism at Guangzhou University, sighed after hearing this example that this is a dilemma caused by the "ignorance" of death. Because people are trapped in the myth of modern medicine, they want to cure the disease and continue to live a happy life in the world rather than "face death with decent face". He felt that this was a very regrettable thing. If you can face death calmly, you can make full use of this last limited time to do something you should do.
"Many times, our era is blocking death." Hu Yian commented. He taught a course on life and death in Guangzhou University for 22 years. In many universities, the course plan for life and death will not be passed, and life and death is still a taboo topic.
Guang Zexi once visited a funeral home driver in Wuhan, and his job was to transport the remains. The driver smiled and told her that since she started this job, she won and lost, and others would laugh at him for "How can you be lucky when doing this job?" When I got home and parked, my neighbor saw his car and said, "Go away quickly, we still have to do business." It seemed that he was not a lucky person.
And this driver is not afraid of these. He envied a friend of his who was diagnosed with leukemia since he was studying, and even when he was playing mahjong, nosebleed would flow down like a column. My friends were so panicked that he pulled a few pieces of paper to block his nostrils and asked everyone to continue touching the cards. Two years ago, he passed away and lived to be 50 years old. The driver envied him for his life and his experience of the joy that ordinary people could experience.
But Guang Zexi also understands that the progress of concepts takes a long process. The story that impressed her most was told by a woman in her 50s. She took care of her seriously ill and paralyzed mother in bed for many years. The latter entered ICU several times for rescue. In the repeated critical illness notices , she suffered hard and was exhausted both physically and mentally. In the end, the mother couldn't hold on anymore. She sat by the bed and said to her mother, "You can leave with confidence, everything is arranged." But her mother's skinny hands were still holding her hands tightly. She later thought about it, which represented her mother's nostalgia and reluctance to the world.
There is also a 70-year-old man who is in the late stage of throat cancer. He showed his optimistic side to his relatives, saying that it is "it's time to leave" and advised them to be more open, but when they close the door, they will secretly learn folk remedies online and constantly beat their bodies with their hands. It is said online that this can speed up blood circulation and become healthy.
Guangzexi's "Death Coffee House" event layout. Photo/Screenshot of the interviewee video
【4】Sedatism may give people the last dignity
, but these situations seem to be changing.
Du Juan once led a "special show" in which graduate students born in the 2000s participated. The issue of elderly care became the core issue of that event.
She found that these graduate students generally do not want to get married or have children. One of the most worrying problems is to die alone at home in the future. About 7 out of 10 young people hold this view. Du Juan was surprised by this view of life and death. In other activities she brought, few people around 30 years old had this idea.
Coincidentally, Guang Zexi once asked a question in a "Death Cafe" event, asking everyone how they hope they die. Some people say that they hope to lie alone in a rental house and die alone, while others say that they may suffer from terminal illness and undergo rescue, and some people are eager to die if the plane crashes. To her surprise, most people chose to die from a plane crash.
"The Huangquan Station leading to the train, the platform station is full of late people coming to welcome people. This is not a tragedy, it is a reunion." A participant shared a sentence from "The Story of Kamakura", which made Du Juan unforgettable. She felt that this was romanticizing death, and also to eliminate the fear of death.
Some people say that they don’t want to face the torture of long waiting for death; some people say that they don’t want to experience the repeated torture of illness; some people say that they don’t know how to face themselves who are paralyzed in bed and incontinent. They all hope to end their lives in a way that is less painful.
"We are accompanying him on the verge of death, just to be with him, tell him about the things outside, how the children at home are going to school, and tell him. Treat him as a normal person in the family, not a person who is about to die. This is to give him the last dignity." Hu Yian said.
Guang Zexi has been to Wuhan's largest palliative care hospital. The ward is decorated in a spacious and warm manner, just like home. Their customer base has always been under pressure. Although they have cooperated with oncology departments of major hospitals, there are still very few who are truly willing to choose to take this step.
"Sedanship and Care" is a concept that has emerged in recent years. It aims to provide physical, psychological, and mental care for patients in the end stage of the disease before their death, control pain and discomfort symptoms, improve the quality of life, and help patients pass away comfortably, peacefully and dignifiedly.
Hu Yian strongly agrees with the promotion of sedative care. Because at the irreversible stage of life, patients are usually sensitive and fearful, and they are afraid of being forgotten and abandoned. Peace care should be carried out, putting the relief of the disease first, so that patients can complete their final journey with great peace and dignity.
No matter what the future holds, at least for now, the “Death Cafe” provides a platform for people to spend hours thinking about the meaning of life. "Life is everywhere, vitality is everywhere." Huang Jianing said.
During the interview, Hu Yian also mentioned Ancient Greek famous saying "Know yourself", which was transformed from a greeting from an older Trap monk. It means: Remember, you will die.
Jiupai News Reporter Wang Yiran
[Revelation] Please contact the reporter WeChat: linghaojizhe
[Source: Jiupai News]
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