Before starting today's content, let's first take a voting test:
1. Do you value the most in the following role relationships? (Single choice)
Father, mother
Husband, wife
Son, daughter
Friends, best friend
Work relationship
2. Who do you spend the most time and energy with? (Single choice)
Father, mother
Husband, wife
Son, daughter
Friends, best friend
Work relationship
What did you find after voting? Do you love your children more than your partner?
A few days ago, a classmate of mine divorced. One of the reasons was that he couldn't stand his wife having her son sleep among them for 5 years.
At that time, he said something that I still remember: Since her son was born, she has become a mother, but she is no longer a wife.
After listening to it, I was stunned for a moment and found that I had also "over-attention to children and ignoring my husband". It seems that many families are like this. Once a child is born, he becomes the C position of the whole family and is always at the forefront.
But this is not a good phenomenon, and "I love my children more than my partner" is not something to be proud of. On the contrary, this is irresponsibility to oneself, to one's children, and to one's partners.
01 "Is there anything wrong with giving my children all the love?"
Some parents say, "Children can only grow up happily in a loving environment, so I give all the love for my partner to the children. Is there anything wrong?"
Here we must clarify that children grow up in a loving environment. This " full of love" refers to appropriate, healthy love, and it is not lacking or excessive.
We must know that in a family, the first thing that appears is the husband-wife relationship, and then the parent-child relationship.
The quality of the husband and wife relationship directly determines the family’s happiness index. If the child is trapped in inappropriate emotional entanglement with his parents, it will also affect his psychological development and normal marriage and love.
Therefore, in a healthy family relationship, the relationship between husband and wife must be better than the parent-child relationship.
02 Over-value children and ignoring their partner is harm, not love!
Herlinger, a famous German psychologist, believes that the family is a complete system. Home system, each person in the family system, is one of the elements in this system, and assumes the key role of the operation of this system. If someone is out of his position and does not operate according to this law, there will definitely be problems in this system.
Some families with unhealthy relationships will be irresponsible because of the death of their partner, and put all their focus and their own need for love on their children, and gradually put the children in the position of their other half.
This will make the child feel deeply guilty and at the same time create huge pressure. This pressure will force him to desire to escape and freedom, and even run away from home.
Peking University academic master Wu Xieyu killed his mother, which shocked the whole country in the past few years, belonged to this typical psychological desire to escape.
Hold has heard of the story of Oedipus . It tells the tragic story of a boy named Oedipus who killed his father, married his mother, gave birth to two sons, and finally his mother committed suicide, and his two sons killed each other.
Later The founder of psychoanalysis - Sigmund Freud (Sigmund Freud) proposed "Oedipus complex" and divided it into 3 stages:
is interested in same-sex parents, imitating parents of the opposite sex → turning to parents of the opposite sex, attacking parents of the same sex → returning to identity with parents of the same sex
If the child does not pass these 3 stages smoothly, boys will have Oedipus complex and girls will have Oedipus complex , which will seriously affect the formation of a happy family in the future of the children.
03, what can I do?
So how should we handle the relationship between husband and wife and parent-child relationship well?
First of all, a good husband-wife relationship is the best gift for children's growth.
Since many women have children, all their happiness and happiness have been based entirely on their children. This is really terrible and will bring great pressure to their children.
is like a lover: "If you are happy, I will be happy, if you are unhappy, I will be unhappy." While we satisfy each other, we also bring great pain.
So, mothers should learn to transfer their emotions to their partner . Because the child sees his father through the eyes of his mother, when he finds that he is not the only one of his mother, and the role of father can meet the mother's needs and the joys and sorrows of his mother. When he cannot satisfy his mother, the child still has a father to rely on, so that the child will not have such great pressure in his heart, and he can be released and develop healthily.
Secondly, the mother should respect her father, and the father should love her mother.
When a child enters a triangular relationship from a binary relationship, this is a milestone development for the child and a sign of his maturity. In the initial stage, the child will still find ways to compete with the same-sex parents.
Let’s use boys as an example. At this time, boys often try to kill their father. When they find that they can’t kill their father, they will identify with their father and get their mother’s love while identifying with their father.
During this transformation, mothers must respect their father . Note that respect as a spouse is equally important as respect as a parent, because the child is passing through you and wants to understand what a good parents, a good wife and a good husband represents, which directly affects the child's sense of happiness and security.
When a couple quarrels, don’t always say to the child that the other party is not good, as this will cause the child’s inner disgust and resistance. In the long run, the child will most likely become the other half directly when he grows up, or marry such a person. They are expressing their identification and connection with their father in this way.
At the same time, Fathers must also love their mother , so that children can learn from their father how to express love, how to deal with relationships, and face conflicts. This will directly affect the intimate relationship model of children as adults, just like Peng Huaizhen, a professor at Donghai University, said:
"The best gift a father can give to his children is to love his mother."
Although you will never stop loving your children, you must also remember to try to love your spouse more, which is a win-win situation for all family members.
Finally, love yourself and be an 80-point mother .
A few weeks after the baby is born, the mother first enters the original maternal love state, just like there is a rope between her and the child, "Keep an eye on" to achieve the baby's care and needs.
When the child gradually gains the ability, the mother must start to learn to slowly turn to her life and retreat to the background role.
The order of healthy love in a family must be to love yourself first, then love your partner, and then love your children. Because in the system, you have yourself first, then you have a partner, and finally you have a child.
is like the safety reminder we broadcast when we fly: "Please wear oxygen mask correctly first and then wear it for the children and the elderly around us." This is what we mean. If cannot take good care of our bodies and cannot handle our emotions, we will naturally not have more physical strength and energy to take good care of our children.
Learn to be a 80-point mother advocated by psychoanalyst Winnicott, but do not blame yourself too much and tolerate yourself not always good in the eyes of children.
Do a good enough, general, real, frustrated one, you can ignore the mother of the child, because When we are good enough, the child will be good enough. If we are too perfect, the child can only be bad.
Be a good parent, start by being a good wife and a good husband. Couples love each other, so that children can be children with peace of mind.
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