一 Psychological Writers Group | Miss Blueberry
01
Those who blindly ask for love,
have never truly loved you
In modern people's relationships, most people are unwilling to give up part of their "self" to complete a relationship.
The most common reason is: has different views.
Of course, it is not ruled out that some people separate because of huge differences in values and outlook on life, but the root cause of most relationship breakdowns is far from that simple.
There was a famous post on Hupu: "A friend wrote a letter to his wife who has been married for two years. It's so miserable..."
The letter said that we spend all the time in "quarrels and compromises" with each other. Feeling "aggrieved and dissatisfied", we "live such a miserable life"... He attributed the reason to 's "three different views" . "All I see is despair."
After reading it, I discovered that "the three views of are inconsistent" and is just a symptom of a broken relationship. The essence of
's problem is: he has never been truly understood by his other half.
"I want to share some financial pressure for my parents, but you don't understand . Not only do you not understand. Instead, you accuse me of not spending money on my own small family to satisfy your need to buy luxury goods. "
"You said to my parents, they are not the parents who gave birth to me. Why should I respect them? You want me to agree with you, but please remember that I am also their son? "
"You said that I I am stingy and care about you and my son. In the past two years, apart from smoking and gas, I have had almost no personal expenses. The most stingy person I treat is myself. "
" In addition to feeling chilled, I am also heartbroken... Because all one person's efforts are not understood, only endless complaints and dissatisfaction are gained. "
Maybe both people are wrong, and there is no point in dwelling on it. The important thing is, why do people who once loved each other live such an "unbearable" life?
The boy said the reason - "There are not so many things that should be taken for granted in this world." The same is true for feelings.
The so-called husband and wife is a relationship of "mutual pleasure", not a unilateral give and take.
Why are we so tired in relationships?
Because there is too much "demandism" in relationships - the gangster logic of "you must satisfy all my needs unconditionally and without principles, otherwise you don't love me".
The root cause is that a person has no empathy when it comes to feelings. That is: an ability to understand and feel the pain of the other person.
Mary Yrigoyan said in "Cold Violence" ,
In order to satisfy their endless need for admiration and recognition, some people must maintain their self-esteem by belittling others and then gain power.
Because they don’t care about relationships with others, they don’t have empathy or respect for others.
Respect means to value the value of others as human beings and to be aware of the pain we may cause others.
So those who blindly ask for love have never truly loved you.
Because in marriage, they can only see themselves.
02
"Inconsistency in three views" is not the root cause of relationship breakdown
People without empathy are really not suitable for marriage.
They may end up with a broken marriage because of their small differences. For example, the famous "three different views" of are discussed in .
gives a classic example.
She likes to go to the cinema to watch movies, but he thinks he can just download and watch them at home.
She likes to eat out as a family at least once a week. He advocates frugality and thinks it is a waste of money.
She likes to set small goals for herself outside of work, such as learning baking, taking a driver's license, learning flower arranging, etc. He thinks it's better not to mess around and just focus on one thing.
No one is right. In the end, they broke up because of "different views".
If we use empathy to treat each other.
She likes to go to the cinema to watch movies. Although he likes to download and watch movies at home, he thinks she has her own reasons for liking to go to the cinema, so he goes with her. It turns out that the 3D effect in the cinema is really good.
She likes to go out to eat as a family at least once a week. Although he advocates frugality and thinks it is too wasteful of money, he thinks that his wife wants everyone to have fun together, so he decides to go. As expected, the family spent a happy Sunday.
She likes to set small goals for herself outside of work, such as learning baking, taking a driver's license, learning flower arranging, etc. Although he doesn't like messing around, he still generously praises his wife's flower arranging and encourages her to create, and the home becomes more and more beautiful. , people's mood has also improved a lot.
Change the perspective and the ending is completely different. Why?
What many people think of as "three different views" is mostly just "a disagreement with me", and I don't want to understand and accept the other person.
I remembered the poet Xi Murong and her husband whom I loved very much when I was a child.
Xi Murong has been painting since primary school and loves art. Her husband Liu Haibei majors in physics and is addicted to the world of science. She fell in love with her husband at first sight.
One day, Xi Murong went to see Liu Haibei and met him with a cold. She went to the boys' dormitory kitchen to cook a pot of porridge for him. It caused a sensation throughout the boys' dormitory. Of course Liu Haibei was deceived and thought Xi Murong was a good wife and mother.
The truth is that Xi Murong doesn't like cooking at all, and his cooking is not delicious. After getting married, Liu Haibei always laughed at himself, "I was fooled by a bowl of porridge."
Later, his daughter who was in elementary school suddenly said: "When I become a mother, I will definitely use a steamer to steam a lot of steamed buns, dumplings, "Fa Gao, let my children eat those fat, white and fragrant snacks as soon as they come home from school, so that they will feel very happy."
Xi Murong was speechless on the side, filled with guilt.
Husband Liu Haibei came out to smooth things over: "However, it is not easy to have a mother like your mother! Do you think there is any mother who can drive you straight to Alishan when you are happy? And as soon as you go, How many days do you have to play without going home?"
He wrote in "The Famous Wife", "Actually, the Famous Wife (Xi Murong) is also a very good house helper, and can do most of the housework. ."
Some people say that Xi Murong's poetic heart originated from a gentle lover. A man who understands her, supports her, loves her flaws and strengths, and has strong empathy.
He didn't judge his wife as not being a good wife just because she didn't like to cook. There is no reason to think that the two people have "different views" just because of one difference. Instead, he spoke for her in front of her daughter and told her:
Although your mother doesn't cook, she is really great.
In the autumn of 2008, Liu Haibei passed away due to illness. Xi Murong recalled, "He is my biggest supporter. He has always been behind me today. He is very tolerant and generous to me... I want to thank him.
She said: I What I regret now is my 40-year marriage. Why didn’t I love this person more and cherish this person more? Later I realized that it wasn’t just my youth that I missed. What I missed was the only thing I had. ”
If love is blind, empathy is a pair of eyes that allows you to see the deepest joy and sorrow of the other person.
Most of the time when people argue, they never want a solution to the problem. I'm just saying, "I hope you can see my pain, my sadness, and my efforts."
The maturity of a person's relationship begins precisely when you no longer blindly interfere or criticize values that are different from yours, and begin to truly Put yourself in other people's shoes and think about things.
Because I have empathy for you, even if my views are different, I will try my best to understand. If you choose to stick to yourself, I am willing to support you behind your back.
03
True love has its own aura of understanding
Most people are used to "solving" problems through quarrels. In the brutal "killing", the chance of love surviving is too small.
What makes people prefer to fight to the point of exhaustion rather than "sacrifice themselves" to understand and tolerate each other?
Because we all want to be the person who gets love instead of taking the initiative to give love.
The man in "Talking to Strangers" who sent his lover to minus 196 degrees Celsius is an anomaly.
On May 8, 2017, Zhan Wenlian died of late-stage lung cancer. Her life system was voluntarily removed. In despair, Gui Junmin accidentally came into contact with the propaganda of human body cryopreservation.
"Stop, freeze, and people will sleep in it." Wait until the technology is mature before thawing and continuing treatment. Although this technology was called "a promise that may never be fulfilled." In despair, Gui Junmin decided to freeze his beloved wife.
As a result, Zhan Wenlian became the first person in China to undergo whole-body cryonics.
Why must we keep her?
Because, "cannot bear to part with ".
"When you really have a patient in your home, lying in that place... the person you love the most, you will watch him die day by day... you may try every means to keep her . "
Two people who have known each other since the third grade of junior high school met in the Xinjiang Construction Corps, fell in love, and then stayed together for thirty years.
After the college entrance examination, Gui Junmin was admitted to university, and Zhan Wenlian returned to his hometown in Shandong. When he went to see Zhan Wenlian, he could only describe it as "miserable". "Their sisters are poor, so when buying vegetables, they collect the stalls here. They go to pick up rotten vegetable leaves and take them home."
Zhan Wenlian could not leave her hometown in Shandong for various reasons. Gui Jun and the people understood each other's difficulties, and they made up their minds I am determined to go to Shandong to accompany her after graduation.
Chen Xiaonan said, "It means you have made a big sacrifice."
Gui Junmin smiled, "What is sacrifice? I always feel that to love someone, you should accept everything. Including you have to suffer a little and suffer. It’s a sin. If you really like her and love her, it’s not bitter. At least you can still be with her, right? ”
True love has its own aura of understanding. This is its innate temperament.
As a promising college student, Gui Junmin does not need to remind himself to understand the other party's difficulties, nor does he need to find reasons to persuade himself to go to the other party's city. All he knows is that I love this person very much. If I have to talk about the benefits, "At least you can still be with her." This is a huge benefit.
Fromm expressed the essence of love in "The Art of Loving":
Love is first of all giving, not receiving.
In modern emotional relationships where we are accustomed to worrying about trivial matters, we all place too much emphasis on our own "sacrifice" and forget that the essence of love is active giving.
"Why can't you give up your current job and come to my city for me?"
"Why can't you ask your parents for money to buy a house for me?"
"Why can't you get off work early for me and come to accompany me?"
"You Why can't you give up the opportunity to go abroad for me and live with me in China? "
To love someone is to not ask them to be exactly what you want them to be, and not to use the other person as a part of yourself.
And when empathy, a necessity in relationships, becomes something we need to emphasize again and again, we are getting further and further away from true intimacy.
Finally
In the short film "New York, I Love You", there is a scene that I particularly like.
An elderly couple celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary by walking to the beach to watch the sunset. Grandma walked very fast, but grandpa walked very slowly because of the inconvenience of his legs and feet.
Grandpa complained, are you in a hurry to go somewhere?
Grandma shot back: With the speed you are walking, we won’t be able to arrive until tomorrow.
So grandpa speeded up his pace in order to match his wife’s speed.
Looking at grandpa's struggling expression, grandma slowed down again and asked, "Are you sure? We are not in a hurry. Don't walk so fast."
They matched each other's speed and walked to the beach step by step, holding hands. Watching the sunset.
This journey is like the life of a pair of lovers.
It is too common for two people to walk at different paces throughout their lives, and we always like to exaggerate the differences between each other.
When the steps are inconsistent, don’t say to the other party:
“What are you doing, why don’t you catch up quickly?”
“Why are you so slow, you always want me to wait for you!”
“Can you think about me!”
“ Why are you so selfish…”
Be more empathetic. A "perfect" intimate relationship must be harmonious but different, seeking common ground while reserving differences.
After all, why would one fall in love with another?
is nothing more than enjoying and progressing hand in hand during the long, boring and ordinary years.
As Jacqueline Novograz wrote in "Blue Sweater":
The most important character trait each of us needs to strengthen ourselves is deep empathy. Because it will bring us the strongest hope, which is the basis for the common survival of mankind.
I would like to use this document to
those ordinary and great
go hand in hand with the love of a lifetime
- The End -
