Although I know that you are just an ordinary member of the million IDs, and although I also know that you once loved a man so deeply, I am still looking forward to and praying for your arrival.

Do you know that I have been looking forward to your arrival? Although I know that you are just an ordinary member of the million IDs, and although I also know that you once loved a man so deeply, I am still looking forward to and praying for your arrival. Even though I don’t know when and how you will arrive, I firmly believe that you will make me care and worry about you. Because of occasional encounters, text exchanges, and inadvertent activities, you moved me, and I will do my best to solve your problems. The learning of Chinese culture in

system always makes young men and women passionate and sad. Even under the slave and rigid system, the young heart always yearns for the outside world, hoping to pursue his dreams and lovers' flowers on the red carpet. What is my first love, you ask? I told you about Xue, the girl I fell in love with when I was in college. At that time, I really longed to be with her forever. Even though I knew that she was pretending to be another man in her heart, even if I knew that I might never make her love me like her first love, I still have no regrets.

I have loved her for three years and waited for her for three years. Finally, I moved her and finally made her give up the first love that made her unforgettable love, and finally got her on the eve of graduation. When she gently untied her clothes in front of me, our young bodies merged together. When I felt the passionate pleasure of the combination of the spirit and flesh, I kissed a cold teardrop in her eyes in the dark night. I began to kiss her tears. The more I kissed her, the more she cried, and at that moment, I almost lost all my strength.

After that, I got out of bed, stood in front of her upright, wearing her clothes silently, while she looked at me with guilt. At that time, I admitted that I was jealous, really jealous. At the same time, there was also a feeling of sorrow that filled the entire heart. When she saw my gaze, she suddenly pounced on me, unbuttoned the buttons of my clothes, and said in tears: "Xusheng, I'm sorry. I want you, you are the one I want..."

We went crazy all night that night... That night almost exhausted the power of my life's love.

But, Xue finally left me, leaving me forever.

After the snow left, I left Beijing, left my hometown, and walked through many cities. I tried to communicate with different women, longing for that moment of heartbeat and eternal warmth, but I was disappointed and failed again and again. On the shore of Xizi Lake, at the foot of the Great Wall, on the edge of the desert, on the sea of ​​coconut forests, I tried hard to find a beautiful shadow, even if it was just a shadow, but it still ended in vain. Finally, the spring of the soul that God gave me slowly dried up in the process of searching.

Finally, I returned to my hometown and to my mother. I was physically and mentally exhausted, thinking that I could no longer feel love. So under my mother's life, I did the most wrong thing in my life: through blind dates, I hurriedly got married, and wanted to live a quiet life, but that heart that longed for love did not have any impact on my marriage. I could not get the love I longed for in my wife, and I was still searching for it in the desert of love.

Under my wife's nagging and strong desire in my heart, I chose to leave again, leave my wife, leave my hungry young girl, and wander alone.

The world is noisy with matter, my heart becomes a wasteland, and my soul gradually becomes lonely and cold. In this bustling city with desires, I wandered in a daze, wandering in the bar at night, with so much heartlessness and a little arrogance, and I became more and more aware that I was not living like myself.

I began to be an unfaithful husband, met, went to bed, and had sex with many different women. "Making love is making love, love is love," a girl once told me that I actually agreed with her point of view, and believed that this point of view is very consistent with trends and human nature.

But I still couldn't help feeling a little sad. Is it the delicate emotions in my heart that are admiring? Or are you disappointed because you have not achieved the perfect combination of spirit and desire? Or both. I can no longer criticize and analyze myself like this.All I could do was just tell her with a smile, then we wouldn't talk about love, we would just have sex. That night, we were sweating profusely, but I clearly felt that there were more tears in it.

Loneliness is the eternal theme, and fall is Satan's paradise. But in an ordinary life, you can only experience the local pleasure and climax. More often, the pale and helpless time flies, white hair and pink. The laws of nature always ruthlessly destroy our youth and soul. Without profound thoughts, open-minded state of mind, and broad vision, you can only whisper and indulge yourself in your own small circle. How can you not make people sad? Perhaps, this is also a kind of life.

For many years, I have been living like this. My loveless heart is getting dry and becoming a wasteland. What else can I pray for? Pray for love? In this city where love gradually becomes an ancient fairy tale, urban people who indulge in lust dare to hope for love? Pray for the Internet? Isn’t the Internet a platform for men and women to express their desires in the world? Haven’t the Internet also become a stage for modern urban men and women to indulge in lust?

But one day, you used the Internet to get to know me in this city that felt a little cold, and quietly hit my heartstrings. At the beginning, you sent me a poem on the "Wilderness": "The barren mountains only look at the green grass, and the rainbow clears in the wilderness." I admit that I admire your literary talent at that time, and I also admit that you have not really moved me. I only regard you as an ordinary ID, like the green duckweed in the wind and the wild claws in the snow. Because there are many talented and beautiful women on the Internet, and there are many wonderful stories, you may be one of them, and our meeting is just a ruthless communication.

I am on the computer, you are on the computer, we just use the cold keyboard and monitor to express our desires, and we don’t consider that behind the computer is a dog, a handsome guy or a beautiful woman. These days, there are too many ridiculous things and too many bizarre phenomena. Too many soul springs have dried up and desolate. All they can do is stare at this quiet night and space, like a sheep on the road, and they cannot find their way home. We are just talking about each other's desires.

I even thought at that time: Maybe one day, I will send you an invitation, come here, we have sex, we are crazy, and then break up at dawn.

You also know that I have never told you this, never. You asked my first love, but never asked about my sex life. Perhaps in your mind, although I have no feelings for my wife, I still abide by traditional moral concepts and be a loyal husband; perhaps you don’t care about this at all, and you care more about emotional communication, so I have always played the role of a loyal online brother in front of you, having a true Plato spiritual love with you.

When I gradually enter your inner world, your sensitivity and sincerity, your weakness and melancholy, your innocence and kindness, your regretless pursuit of love, have permeated me like a mist. Looking back now, except for that poem, I seem to have forgotten what we began to say one by one, and I only vaguely remember that it was at the moment when we were destined to meet, and then the deepest thing was the innocent smile you could not see. Whether late at night or all night, the originally desolate heart garden has become no longer lonely because of your company, just like your figure, silently standing behind me quietly, and so sincere. No matter whether I succeed or wander around the world in the future, I think this is something I will never forget in my life. Perhaps this cannot be expressed in words.

To be honest, life is so hard and tiring, unwilling to be vulgar but so helpless, only to bear it alone and seek it from top to bottom, but there is such a pure land between you and me, which can allow you to rest for a moment, and have a little sincere sustenance. I am really grateful to you.

Life always passes silently as expectation as water in hope. The beautiful and fresh face also becomes haggard and aging due to the ruthless destruction of time. Even though aging and death are inevitable ends of life, for you who are sensitive, delicate, weak and sad, for you who have been drifting for a long time and are alone, this is the biggest crisis in life. I don’t know how you, who are in trouble but have a self-esteem and sensitive soul, have lived for so many years, but I can imagine it. Really, you make me feel so distressed. And your soul that is traveling through the storm of life, right and wrong, right and wrong, and still thinks of a belief related to ideals in the quiet place, and struggles with persistence and regret, how touching me.

In fact, it’s not just you, I also want to find a station, a station of my heart, a place where I can also cultivate my dreams. In this wasteland-like city, sincerity and warmth are a kind of luxury, and true feelings and warmth are sold in a distorted manner under the cold sunshine.

I spent this week in Beijing, and in Beijing, I finally realized one of my wishes.

I, who never believed in Buddhism, knelt in front of the Bodhisattva in Yonghe Palace and prayed silently. At that time, my heart was full of gratitude: Thank God for letting me hear your voice again.

When I was young, my father ran away from home and my mother raised me in trouble. I remember when I was seven years old, a serious illness almost took my life. On that night when the north wind was howling, in a coma that was half asleep and half awake, I saw that under the dim oil lamp with uncertainty, my mother knelt in front of the kind-eyed Guanyin Bodhisattva and cried and prayed: Guanyin Bodhisattva, as long as you let my son survive, I can do anything, really, do anything.

That afternoon, I suddenly lost your message. Without your voice, I tried to call my phone desperately, either turning off the phone or beeping. Later, a woman finally came to pick it up, but it had a strange accent. At that time, I knew something was wrong with you. I want to call the police, but I don’t know where you are? Your thrilling night was also my sleepless night. That night I was extremely irritable, the ashtray was full of cigarette butts, and I could hardly do anything. At that time, a strong feeling arose in my heart: as long as I could hear your voice again, I could do anything, really, I could do anything.

The pain and helplessness are still unforgettable to me, so on the first day after I arrived in Beijing, I came to Yonghe Palace and prayed sincerely in front of the Bodhisattva.

At that moment, I really felt the sacredness of religion. I once thought that doing this was superstition and ignorance, but now I think it is a culture with a long history. It belongs to customs and spiritual sustenance. It has a kind of power to allow both parties who miss each other to gain spiritual comfort from it.

Everyone has their own religion in their hearts. For a long time, I firmly believe in myself as a person who does not have religious belief in . What I believe most is myself. Since I am my own master, why do you need to believe in the gods of those wood sculptures and clay sculptures? However, under the concern of a strange emotional relationship, I felt the unaware weakness in my heart for the first time:

I was indeed worried about a woman who had never met in the distance but had suddenly no news. This strong worry made me find another feeling. Perhaps because of this spiritual inspiration, I no longer reject the true feelings I could feel. It was only after experiencing that night that I truly understood the emotions that I had been hiding in my heart, never told anyone, and even I didn’t want to understand and tried my best to escape:

You have directly penetrated my heart through the Internet.

But I can't tell you this, you still have him in your heart at that time, and I can't give you any promises, so I escape and try to play the role of a loyal elder brother. During those days, because of you, I often remembered the snow that seemed to have been sealed in my memory. You have too many similarities with snow, but you are stronger than snow and suffer more than her. The feelings you inspire in my heart are deeper and more passionate than my feelings for snow back then.

For many years, I have been longing for your appearance, and for many years, I have been praying for your appearance. Now I have found and sensed it, but it is you in the Internet. In this network that was originally filled with lust, I saw a lonely, stubborn, fragile and sensitive beautiful soul. When this soul was presented in front of me so truly, the sadness made me unable to suppress myself.

Everyone has had the experience of walking through the skyscrapers in the city helplessly. Everyone has been walking alone and suddenly heard the sound of sad songs coming from the roadside. At that moment, he was self-pity, sadness, depression, and confusion, and realized that his mood was so connected with the ancients. He could not see the ancients in front of him or the people behind him. He thought of the leisure of heaven and earth, but he was sad and crying. However, there are more than a million people with the same mentality as you and me. Who would pay attention to our ordinary and insignificant mood in a strange city?

In such nights, it is sometimes a habit to listen to a song all night. Tonight it is the song "Blue Love", which is faint, sad, and casual, accompanying me into my dreams.

When he appears in your life again, I understand more that I am hopeless. I began to live a life without you. I try my best to escape, escape some distant dreams about you and myself. In reality, I cannot fully experience the coldness in the original warm smile, feel the indifference in the original sincere language, and be numb in the contradiction and weird smile. At that time, I really believed that this was a kind of fate, and I couldn't do it. I don’t know if you believe in fate or not, but it is not easy to get to know each other among all living beings, and it is even more rare for us to be sincere. If there is really such a thing as "I can ferry the same boat for a hundred years", then I should have been practicing under the faint green lamp for several lifetimes.

Maybe I shouldn't say this, because it destroys the image of the deep and elegant big brother in your mind. He disappoints you and makes you feel that this world is not as simple as you think. Maybe you will think that I am an irresponsible fickle man because of this. Maybe you may even dare not date me again because of this, but I am fearless. In fact, I am not qualified to be afraid or gain anything. Every day and night when I lost your message, I am like a beast trapped in an emotional cage, unable to control myself...

No woman could touch and feel the sorrow deep in my soul before. You are the first, or maybe the last one.

Your silence shows your attitude towards this feeling.

I understand your mood. If you don’t want to destroy your peaceful life, I am willing to be your elder brother for the rest of my life...

[The pictures in this article are all from the Internet. If there is any infringement, please notify me in advance and I will delete the pictures immediately. Thank you! 】